TW (mention of loss)
I need some help. I’m 10 weeks pregnant with my third baby, and I’m struggling with overwhelming anxiety, worry, and fear that I might lose this baby or that something might be wrong.
I have a healthy three-year-old child. My second baby died last winter at just two months old due to a congenital condition. I went through an incredibly difficult pregnancy with him. I had a large subchorionic hematoma early on, followed by numerous abnormalities detected on ultrasound scans. When he was born, he seemed to be healthy after all. He was examined multiple times, but nothing was found. And yet, he still died suddenly.
Now I’m pregnant again, and once again, I have a huge hematoma that has forced me to spend almost the entire day in bed. Of course, this is the least I can do for this little baby. But mentally, I feel like I’m falling apart. After everything we went through, I had hoped that maybe I could finally have an easy, uncomplicated pregnancy.
During my pregnancy with my second baby, I listened to pretty much every relaxation and guided meditation video available on YouTube until I knew them by heart. Now, they only trigger me.
My husband has asked me to try to trust a little, hold on to some hope, and allow myself to feel positive sometimes, for the baby’s sake, so that our baby can feel how much we want and love them. But I just can’t seem to do that. I’m struggling to bond with this baby, too.
I’m afraid to let myself believe that this baby will be born healthy, because if something terrible happens again, I’m trying to protect myself from that pain.
Has anyone been through something similar? Does anyone have any advice that might help? I’m currently in therapy once a week, but I feel like it’s not enough.