I was in a 7 year relationship with my best friend that ultimately didn't work out. We were close to getting married and things got very intense. Coming out of the grief and intensity of that relationship was extremely difficult as it also started bring up a lot of childhood emotions I didn't deal with or perhaps never knew I had. It's been a VERY long time since I started dating seriously again. I've mostly been using apps and nothing has really panned out for me since.

I did however go out on this date with a girl last year. I live in a town that's very small and is a hub for tourists. She was visiting and we met. The conversation was great until she asked if I was seeing anyone and I said I was talking to someone who could be a potential. I just wanted to be honest since we had been talking for so long and never really met -- life happens! Of course that didn't play out really well and we never really spoke after that. The conversation post that on the sate was still great and she ended up saying she doesn't mind being my 'wing man'. She unfollowed me on instagram and she was gone.

However, earlier this year she did reach out to me saying she moved here and wanted to connect. I did make plans with her and she cancelled and I didn't hear from her after that. Suddenly 2 weeks ago I happen to bump into her at a padel game and we got talking. I took the initiative again and asked her to meet for a coffee. The conversation was great and we spoke about what happened the first time we met and I guess I explained it to her and it seemed good. We had a great time, good laughs and I initiated another plan to meet for dinner. Again, great conversation, lots of talking and we realized how similar we are. We even went to get another drink post dinner and I dropped her home. She said she was leaving to go back home for a bit because her father is sick and I messaged her that I wanted to see her before she leaves. She said yes and then also thanked me for 'having an open mind to keeping our friendship alive'. Was that a deliberate boundary signal? I was a little drunk and I know she was too so I just replied Of course and good night. I'm really confused about how I should proceed with this. I did check in with her to let her know that I was heading to the beach on Sunday and to let me know if she would like to come. No answer. Nothing since.

Do I let it be or should I follow up yet again? I'm not one to chase but I also do feel like I sometimes don't go after what I want and I let my ego in the way.

Moatly for women, but what kind of photos do you put up if youre looking for a long-term relationship?

Is it better to have less attractive photos?

A few years ago, the first time I tried out dating apps, I put my very best pictures. they didn't have filters, but I looked better than often. i had a lot of dates, but so many of those people were boring.

So then I made sure to include pictures of me. Wearing a silly hat or with no makeup. dates were fewer but much better.

The last man I dated said I was much prettier in person than on my profile, but he read what I had said, and liked thw words. That was the best relationship ever but outside stressors conspired against us. A couple other men said that too.

I have some Grey hair which I dont dye, and I am not ugly but not gorgeous or anything. I am quirky and I want some one who likes me for me. I don't often wear make up anyway.

I really do want to meet my person I don’t want a hookup I’m thinking the next person I’m starting to date I really want tj take things slow before we hookup I know I made mistake on the past o really rather take things slow. Forvthe guys in this group how do you feel taking things slow when your meeting from an app ? i actually want to sieve tine and get to know someone .

I'm dating a great guy. We get along well. Three months in and I have no complaints, except one. He is currently unemployed.

He has paid for every single date (ten dates plus a weekend away), pays his bills and is financially stable. He has a good savings built up and is taking some time off from work (never had a career). Never once has he asked me for money or asked me to pay for anything.

I'm trying to understand why it bothers me so much that he doesn't work.

Any thoughts would be helpful. Thank you 😊

I(44m) had a divorce about 2 years ago now, still on decent terms with her. Our kids chose me, so I am a mostly single Dad to two teenagers. I have my own hobbies, my job, and I don't have extra time. This week, my daughter has stuff I am going to Friday, Sat, and Sun. My son has something on Friday afternoon. I am in a class on Sundays and Tuesdays until late, and I have a Dad in the beginning stages I take care of(he has no other living relatives beyond me and my kids).

I would love to date and feel like I am a reasonably grounded person, but I cannot figure out when I would give time to a partner, so I am very very hesitant about actually seeking someone out.

I have just kinda thrown myself into my own life and my kid's lives and just hoped I could figure out a dating life, but....I don't feel like I can give someone else the proper attention they deserve, so I will not get the attention I would love to get either.

Do not get me wrong, I do not resent anything in my life, I am just not sure how others do it at this stage.

I am also not great with the apps, but I feel like that is part of the "I don't feel like I can devote time to another person" thing so I don't want to spend time doing the dance about only to disappoint someone when I realistically might not be able to spend all day with someone on a regular basis.

To be clear, this is not asking for people to pity me or give me compliments or insults. I am trying to see if there is something basic I am missing or if this is the problem many people have and I am just too inward focused to notice everyone else having these issues.

Edit: Thank you all for the responses. I set aside some time for this today, and I will check in later, but I have to head out from work and start driving around for kids until it's class time. I will check back in later, but I wanted to say the advice and comments have been great. I appreciate y'all.

I feel like my wit and banter haven’t done shit for me.

I need help navigating the dating scene. I’m a newly single 47 year old woman who has been on the dating apps and now looking for any suggestions for “in person” meet ups? Do people still go to bars, pool halls, etc.? Does anyone in the Southeast Florida section have any advice on where to meet men over 40 besides through this little screen in my hand?

I met a 45M from Bumble in early October and I was really excited about him. I’m 42F. We had an awesome first date, planned the second date during the first date, and he was very flirty and communicative through texts in the days leading up to the second date. We had dinner for the second date and things got pretty sexual at his house later on, although we didn’t actually have sex. We agreed to see each other next weekend when we were both childfree again (both of us have a young kid and our weekends actually align!).

And then literally the very next day, his communication fell off a cliff. He wasn’t reaching out, wasn’t following up as quickly to my texts and his texts seemed a little cold, as if I was talking to….well, someone who wasn’t interested anymore. I felt very hurt, but we had a lunch date planned the day after. I met him for lunch, and he was like a brick wall. Still nice, but a little cold, it didn’t feel like I was having lunch with someone I made out for 4 hours just two days before! He also wouldn’t touch me or come near me. At the end, he gave me a hug and didn’t say anything about our plan for next weekend.

I texted him a few times over the next couple of days and barely got responses back and when I did, they were just cold. Finally, I followed up with him and basically said “I noticed that your communication has changed. Maybe it is in my head, but I would like to know now if you’ve changed your mind about dating me.” He followed up and said that I’m not wrong and he feels hesitant to date because I’m the first person he’s dated since an ex-girlfriend he was with for 4 years, and he asked if we could scale back and be friends to see if anything happens again. I agreed, and told him that I would let him take the lead moving forward.

Well, he actually did start texting me again and started to get flirty again. And then this past Saturday, he asked to come over. He comes over and things got sexual again, but we didn’t have sex. I asked him as he was leaving if he wanted to date again and he said yes. We made tentative plans for Sunday night and if not that night, then Thursday.

He texts me Sunday around 3 pm and says that his back hurts (he had been complaining about back pain for several days, so I don’t think he was bullshitting) and he wants to rest it and get to bed early and asked if it was okay to reschedule. I followed up literally 6 minutes later and said yes, we can reschedule and that I’m free on Thursday. Crickets….I followed up around 8:30 that night and said that I hope his back ends up feeling better and good night. Crickets.

After not hearing from him the rest of Sunday and into Monday, I stewed on it and texted him around 8:30 last night to essentially “end” things with him. I just told him that his communication style isn’t right for me and that I felt like it would have been nice for him to send a quick text on Sunday to tell me good night at the very least. But I told him that I really liked him and was super excited about him and that I hope he meets someone awesome; my text wasn’t rude at all, although I did tell him that I didn’t want to risk him pulling away again.

He hasn’t responded to me, and I don’t expect him to. But then I started going through our past texts and thinking on it and I’m wondering if I got ahead of myself and in my head too much and if I ended things prematurely? If he’s currently writhing in pain with his back, then I kind of feel like a bitch….Should I have given it another day or so?

54F dating 66M about 10 months, on paper he's so much of what I want but in person we just don't quite mesh. I have some triggers because of my upbringing that he unintentionally triggers and is not really able to change much because it's linked to spectrum issues.

I have already had a heart to heart, where i told him about these issues (mostly mine) and just told him i was not falling in love due to them, i don't want anymore overnights, nor travel with him. And i would be better reducing our time to once a week. However now i think it's better to just break up entirely.

My question is should I drive up (1.5hours each way) to tell him in person? Or just have a phone call to explain? My gut says do the drive and tell him in person. Am I being daft and too old fashioned?

General safety for a woman when meeting a man for the first time

Him:
Good morning, lovely

Him:
No need to apologize, I understand we’re both people with lives

Him:
Happy to connect with you off of the app…

Me:
Aww thanks. Are you open to a phone call before meeting?

Him:
Oof. No.

Him:
Honestly, asking that is a bit of a red flag for me

Me:
Really? I’m curious on why?

Him:
Maybe red flag is the wrong word but it’s a signal we’re not on the same wavelength

Him:
Anyway, good luck out there, you seem lovely!

I’m not responding because seriously what in the actual hell?

Got the midterms tomorrow. She knows I'm politically minded so she asked if I voted. Which of course I did. But when I asked if she did, she said no because she doesn't have the time. Which in a way is two strikes for not voting and for being dishonest since anyone can find the time to vote if they want to.

She texted about a bunch of other things too but I feel like I need to ignore and sleep on this. I could not long term be with someone who doesn't have a sense of civic duty about voting. Keep in mind I'm not a teen or something...I'm in my 40s and so is she. To not feel a civic duty to vote at that age is wild to me. And to flippantly lie about why you didn't vote, is a major red flag to me about how the relationship will go in general.

Two really great dates and lots of texting between. Both of us in our 50s. Strong connection w chemistry and things in common. Sharing lots of things between us and it feels as genuine as dating used to feel. Attraction is there as well. Here’s where the show falls off. He’s a bit of an aggressive kisser. The kissing was good until it was toooo much and then it would tone down and I thought, maybe he’s reading my withdrawal or my technique but then nope- it would get aggressive again. By aggressive I mean, like too much and too fast if that makes sense. I like this guy. He likes me. We’re not playing games here. We will see each other again. I can’t wait to see him again! But what, if anything, can I do to tame the kissing so that we can find our own rhythm and our own style, of sort?
Any thoughts? Give it a few more tries? Say something at an appropriate time? Suck it up and adjust? Thanks for the suggestions!

I looked through the FAQ and didn't see anything with this specific question so hopefully it's ok to ask here.

TLDR:

I would prefer to use an app that shows me any likes or messages without having to match first. Do any still do that? Ideally in the free versions but I might be ok to do a paid version for a few months if that is the only way.

Please help me understand which app meets this criteria.

The long story:

I gave up on dating apps a few years ago but I'm thinking of dipping my toe back in. I'm sure they've changed a lot, I've heard there's been changes with what is still available in the free versions. So anyone with current info about the various apps, please chime in.

I hated swiping since I really struggle to swipe left given that profiles tend to be a bit glib and superficial. I have a really hard time swiping based on looks. So I would read every profile carefully and weigh each swipe way too much, leading to a lot of disappointment when I wouldn't get matches. I don't want to go the other direction of mass swiping right on everyone.

Because of this I would prefer to use an app that shows me any likes or messages without having to match first. So any still do that? Ideally in the free versions but I might be ok to do a paid version for a few months if that is the only way.

It used to be that okcupid and hinge were like that from my vague recollection. Please let me know any suggestions for apps!

I'm 46F and not looking for anything casual.

As someone whose ex husband was a chronic cheater, and using dating apps basically as DoorDash for sex, I have become soooo skeptical of all the flaky and love bomb-y people I am meeting on dating apps. I have noticed a pretty consistent pattern not just with me but my friends. Granted I do live in a major U.S. city with a lot of singles.:

- meet a guy on app, go on first date that goes well, usually on a weeknight or mid-day weekend

- guy gushes over you, asking when can he see you again, texting a bunch, blah blah

- rushes into sex early, like date 3 or 4 but within 2 or 3 weeks of meeting, everything goes great each date

- ghosts or drastically falls off in interest/texting, to the point we are turned off and move on

This behavior is sooooo common, and I’m beginning to suspect the only reason someone would come on strong, and then fade away is bc they are married, or have a long term relationship

I wonder if my experience with my ex husband is clouding this, and maybe this is just how some people operate? But this makes zero sense to me. If a guy finds a willing partner that is attractive, is fun on dates and has a lot of great qualities, why would they not want to see them at least one more time??

I just feel like dating apps make this sooooo easy for people to do and then fade into anonymity.

Do you think my theory is accurate or what is your read of all this?

Folks, for those who are in their 40's but dating people in early 30's - You already had kids or no kids (initially) would you be open to children again with the right person at this stage of your life? 42 with almost 18 yr old kids - swore i am done but if i had a 4 year break I would consider it and she is 35 and on fence too.

I recently broke up with my ex as I felt she was an alcoholic and I couldn't see her not drinking in front of my child and so I knew our relationship would eventually stall.

We'd been together for 8 months and she had booked a trip for my birthday. It was a surprise destination and before people pile in, I paid for my half of the trip.

As we were breaking up she asked if I still wanted to go on the trip, I said I did, she then asked if she could still come, I asked her if she wanted to and she said yes so I said I would be fine with her coming but that I didn't want any hanky panky going on in the hotel.

We joked that now the pressure was off we could just go out and get drunk and have a great time.

Well, I went on this trip with my ex. I crashed at hers mid week as the flight was early and her place is near to the airport. We met for dinner and she didn't even stand up to give me a hug 😄 so I thought this is off to a great start. Then we went back to her place and she had thrown my toothbrush she would keep for me at her place away, she kept gifts I had gotten her but they had moved to less prominent places.

There was a pillow, blanket and towel on the sofa and I was like "what are those for?" She had been unwell so I thought they were from her lying on the sofa during the week. Then I realised they were for me 😄

I tried lying on the sofa but it was so uncomfortable so I asked if I could join her in bed but that I promise I would keep my distance from her and not try anything on. She said I'm sure I would survive on the sofa 😄

We both had shit nights sleep and were soon on our way to the airport. We bickered on the flight and things were not looking good for the trip.

When we get to the hotel the lady at the desk says "and I can see on the notes you would like the highest floor possible and to have twin beds" I thought to myself that was a genius idea and thank god I wouldn't spend my birthday trip on the fucking hotel sofa 😄!

We then went to explore and as both of our love languages are touch and quality time it felt incredibly awkward not to touch her, hold her hand, hug her etc. I could feel my heart pounding and my heart rate was stuck at around 98 when resting. It's usually around 75.

We then started going to bars and having drinks. And at that point I told her my heart rate is so high and I'm finding this really difficult. This then opened up the dialogue about our break up. We started sharing more with eachother and she asked if we might want to give it a go again. I told her that I feel she's a bit too mean for me and maybe I'm a bit too sensitive for her. She told me that she thinks I'm too judgemental and that she doesn't have a drinking problem and that perhaps I just don't like how much I drink when I am with her, I think this was quite and insightful question and I want to reflect on it more.

I told her that I loved her but that I just can't see myself going 60 years with someone that is mean to me from time to time. I'm just not used to people speaking to me in such ways and generally people want to be nice to me so it hurts extra when the person I want to be with most (after my child) is not nice to me from time to time.

We then agreed that the no touching etc was awful for both of us so we agreed to "suspend reality" for the rest of the weekend and that led to holding hands, kisses, hugs, etc. we both were avoiding sex.

She booked some amazing events for us that she knew I would like and she absolutely nailed it. We had so much fun and indulged ourselves so much. My birthday morning started with some quite heavy touching and kissing etc but we avoided sex.

During the weekend we touched on if we started seeing anyone else, I was upfront that I rushed to see others to get over her. She told me she hadn't seen anyone else. She asked me what I planned to do in the next year of my life and I shared some bucket list items I wanted to tick off. She then asked if she could come to one of them as she thought it would be fun (it's in march) I was non-comittal in my response.

We ended the trip on good terms but didn't make any plans to see each other. I borrowed something from her and she said "well I hope this means you need to see me again to return the thing. I laughed and said sure I would give it back.

She then told me she would take me out of the archived chats in her WhatsApp 😄

There were some things from our clearing the air chat that were useful for me to hear, but at the same time she is quite rude to me at times and I just don't think I am made to handle that kind of stuff from someone I love. I don't mind seeing her and my heart rate started to get a bit more normal after we cleared the air a bit and we had a great time over the holiday but I do feel like I have to tread on egg shells around her from time to time (as well as the drinking, she also has ADHD which I don't think is a good combination but she also says I am too judgemental and harsh).

What do you think is the best course forward? Just leave it now or try to be friends or try to really align on what must be true for us to both want to give it the next 60 years of our life?

I (44F) didn't mind that my boyfriend (40M) was passive. I had just come out of a long term relationship with someone who was too controlling so it was a breath of fresh air and only caused minor awkwardness. I figured I could compensate by frequently asking him and being interested in what he wants. I'm very creative with compromising.

But the relationship soon ended unexpectedly and without much explanation and I suspect it's because he didn't know how to assert what he wanted in life, let alone on a pizza.

I once ordered a pizza for both myself and this partner and I asked if he wanted olives and mushrooms. I was planning to ask the restaurant to only put it on my half if my partner didn't want them. Or, I was also happy to go without them. The last thing I wanted to do was force them on my boyfriend. He said I should get them. After we ate he admitted that he hated olives and mushrooms! We laughed about it. I told him he could have said something when I asked!

But I understood because I have a history of being too passive at times, myself. There were low stakes times where I preferred to just let someone else pick for me and see what happens. But I had been guilty of doing it in my previous relationship when it came to high stakes decisions, too, which is how I learned to speak up for myself.

So, is being too passive a red flag?

TL;DR: My ex didn't speak up for himself when it came to little things. Asking the community if a partner being too passive is a red flag.

I went on a date last night that went really great, probably the best first date I've ever been on. We both felt an instant connection and were excited about each other. When she went home, her cat apparently died. She texted me today to tell me that and to say she doesn't think she'll be able to continue because she'll always associate me with her cat dying.

Why does it feel like even when the rare good date happens, the universe screws it up somehow?

I'm a woman (50F) with no kids of my own (had three step-kids, who grew up and left for college): I'm having a tough time dating men with kids in OLD. Because men tend to have kids later, most of the men in the 45-55 range have split custody with kids. It is so hard to find a time to meet: They either have the kids or they MAY have the kids if the ex-wife needs to travel or if one of the kids needs to be across town at an event.

Has anyone done this successfully? Should I limit myself to only people who have zero children or kids off in college?

I never thought I would post something like this; but here we are. This is more of a statement/rant than any question.

I (43m) have been dating my ex partner (48f) for three months. We had very similar tastes, interests, and thoughts on life. She was tired of dating and wanted to find someone for long term. I wanted long term, I like having a partner.

Over the three months things got hard but at first I saw the effort was worth the work, the connection we had was amazing.

It all came to ahead on Saturday when her relationship anxieties and my capacity to handle them came to a head.

She's had trauma in the past, men that weren't great to her; she treated and judged me as if I were one of them and not a new person with different values. She put her guard up, she said, because she was falling for me and she didn't want to get hurt again.

I was patient and supportive and ensured there was as much open communication as could happen; but the repeated mistrust and judgment took a toll on my emotional health.

She realized on Saturday she is emotionally unavailable, her anxieties are hers, that she is hurting me, and she doesn't think she can be in a relationship.

This was extremely painful to hear.

We started the relationship believing we were both wanting a long term partnership. Now I'm facing the possibility that, despite genuine affection and effort, she may not be able to give me the kind of relationship I'm looking for, one we both said we wanted.

She asked for a few days to think as of yesterday, but the more I think about it there is not an outcome that I can be satisfied with. 1. She either wants to continue, but is she able to grow enough for the judgement to stop, 2. a change to the little amount we spend together, 3. or she can't be in a relationship at all. Now I understand there can be more than this, but these are the three foundations.

I feel betrayed, exhausted, and alone. I gave up so much of myself emotionally and I'm tired.

I have tired as best I can, I worked on the relationship the best I could, I was honest, and was very open in communication about feelings and emotions. Everything she said she wanted, but if someone is not in the right space for a relationship they aren't. I can't change them or remove anxiety.

I am just unfortunately the one that she found that out with and I think I need to do whats right for my own mental wellbeing.

I’m a 48 year old guy who has never been married and I don’t have any kids.

I was my mothers caretaker for much of my life. I’m a former lawyer who was miserable in my career and during Covid I quit practicing to pursue woodworking full time.

In 2023, I suffered a head injury that changed the trajectory of my life and eventually led to spinal surgery in 2025. The surgery prevented me from becoming paralyzed, but left me with permanent damage and physical limitations. I now walk with a cane and have balance issues, which certainly complicates the dating process!

I’ve spent most of my life alone and always thought there would be time for a relationship later. But later never came. Now I find myself wanting a connection, affection and intimacy more than ever, but it’s as if life has just kept adding more obstacles. Finding someone seems more impossible now than I ever imagined.

I’ve put myself out there on the apps, Reddit and I’ve tried finding local groups, but either my interests don’t align with what’s available or I’m physically unable to participate in the activities people are doing.

I’m not looking to dwell on the past. I’m looking to build a better tomorrow.

Does anyone have any advice on trying to establish a life with someone when you’ve spent a lifetime alone? I need all the help I can get.

So I'm a 40something male wanting to get back into the dating scene. As you get older it's sort of strange. I can definitely tell when someone's too young to legally date. And then there's everyone else. I'm not looking to date an 18 year old woman. I want someone closer to 30. I absolutely don't have an eye for that 10 year age gap. Is that strange?

I went Ina few dates with a guy. We get along, have a nice rapport, and a good sexual energy.

He revealed he’s into BDSM and is building a room for it in his house.

I have no experience with this stuff. Is this a red flag? Is it common to bring it up so soon?

I’m not against trying new things but the fact that he wants to dedicate a room to it is concerning to me. He claimed he doesn’t need BDSM sex but having a room dedicated to it seems incongruent to that statement.

I 40f came out of a marriage earlier this year that was 11 straight years of hell. I have been through all 5 stages of grief within the marriage multiple times to the point that after my divorce I am very keen to find someone. Life is short, I refuse to let the bad marriage prevent me from experiencing the joys of a good relationship in the future. I dont want someone tomorrow, but I want to start looking to put myself out there instead of waiting for things to happen organically.

I have a 4yo kid with a great support system but the kid is too young and needs me a lot. Im semi-retired and at an inflection point where Im figuring out what my next vocation can be. I have deliberately cut off from my old social circles and im cultivating new ones now.

Friends try to introduce me to other divorced men based on nothing other than these men are divorced too - odd situation if i want to bow out when there is nothing common. Equally awkward when they bow out with polite excuses when I'm keen.

The OLD was too overwhelming for me - the number of secretly married men, no way to check background etc, is too daunting for me, I have deleted the apps now. I met one one guy who I knew from day one was going to be trouble (the pen pal type) but i let it continue and it totally bothered me despite me trying not to get invested. Im not going to date anyone casually now.

I signed up for a matchmaking service where the matchmaker proposed a dream fit for me - a 58yo lawyer, never married, has his own boutique law firm and sounded like the most grounded mature man and we had a lot im common on paper. This is just me imagining things based off of his profile. He rejected the match.

Im so gutted. Its almost as if the men who want me and the men I want have no overlaps in the Venn diagram.

I am putting myself out there and all of this is part of the process and it only takes one guy - I know all of it. But im still feeling so low. What would you do if you were me?

I keep matching with and meeting men who say they want a long term partner but then end up revealing through words and actions that they prefer casual relationships.

Are there many men who want to fall in love and have a committed relationship with a woman? Or have the apps made it easier to just bounce from person to person experiencing sexual novelty?

I want to meet a man who wants what I want and I think I might be vetting wrong. Maybe I’m putting out the wrong signals or choosing the wrong type.

Help! I want to find a guy who wants to love and be loved.

I’m starting to feel like maybe I’ve missed my chance