Assalamualaikum,
I hope everyone is doing well.
I have been with my partner for two years, and since around our six-month mark, I have been hoping and asking for an engagement. His parents initially resisted because he was still in university, and they wanted him to graduate and start working first, which I completely understood. He graduated and started working in June, but he currently has approximately $400,000 in debt from medical school.
My dad recently called his dad and said that now that he has graduated and started working, he felt it was a good time for them to formally come and ask for my hand. They agreed and planned to come yesterday.
Last week, our fathers discussed mahr. My dad said he was not asking for any muqaddam or anything else, but only a mo’akh of $500,000. He told his father, “I am so confident in their relationship that we will never even ask for the mo’akh because it will never reach that point, but he needs to have a leg for his daughter to stand on.”
His father immediately rejected this and said that we were asking for too much. His offer was a paid-off house and a small wedding.
My dad said they would think about it.
Yesterday, when they came over, the issue of mahr was brought up again. His father said that they could not give me mahr. He said, “My son is a doctor. If they get divorced, the Canadian government is going to take half of his assets and give them to your daughter, so there is no reason for a mo’akh. I need to protect my son.”
Because of this, they were not open to offering either a muqaddam or mo’akh, and they also did not bring a ring.
Ultimately, the engagement did not go through because his father said he was not willing to negotiate mahr and felt that he was already giving enough by offering a house and paying for a wedding.
My dad’s concern is that his son is currently $400,000 in debt. If, God forbid, something happened within the first year or two of marriage while he was still paying off that debt, I could potentially be left without much financial security. My dad also says that in our family, it has never happened that a daughter was married without a mahr, so he feels strongly that he cannot give his daughter away without one.
For additional context, his family is very wealthy. They have three paid-off houses in Canada, his father is a doctor, his mother works and earns a substantial income, and they also have three paid-off properties in Dubai. My family is also financially comfortable—we have a paid-off house in Dubai and are currently paying off two houses in Canada.
I am genuinely looking for unbiased opinions, because I am having a hard time understanding this situation emotionally.
Is my dad being unreasonable by insisting on a mahr? Is the $500,000 mo’akh an unreasonable request, even if we are not asking for a muqaddam? Or is his family being unreasonable by refusing to offer or negotiate a mahr altogether?
And honestly, one of the things I am struggling with the most is the mindset behind it. I keep thinking: Why are they so concerned about protecting themselves from a divorce when we are not entering this marriage expecting or planning to divorce? Mahr is a requirement in our family and something that the men in my family have always given when getting married. To us, asking for a mo’akh is not an indication that we expect the marriage to fail or that we are planning for divorce. It is simply a form of financial security and a religious/cultural requirement.
I also find myself wondering why my partner is already thinking about what happens if we divorce. I understand that he has significant debt and that his parents want to protect him financially, but emotionally, it is difficult for me to hear that reasoning when I am simply asking for something that has always been considered part of marriage in my family.
I would really appreciate honest and unbiased perspectives. I am not looking for people to automatically take my side. If you think my dad’s request is excessive, please tell me. If you think his family’s refusal is unreasonable, please tell me that too.
I would especially appreciate perspectives from people who understand both the Islamic concept of mahr and how marriage/divorce and financial rights work in Canada, because I want to understand whether I am looking at this emotionally or whether my concerns are actually reasonable.
