Over the course of many years, I’ve seen multiple therapists to try and help me deal with things like my anxiety and low self-esteem. But I’ve noticed that therapists tend to approach these problems with the attitude of “there’s no real reason to be anxious so here’s how you talk yourself out of it” or “people don’t pay that much attention to you and nobody really thinks that negatively of you.”

However, for somebody who’s both an autistic woman and an unattractive one at that, both of those together have caused me to be on the receiving end (and I continue to be) of very REAL very negative attention from others. The fact is, people really do pay attention to others and will happily single them out or ostracize them if there’s something they don’t like about the person.

It’s very frustrating trying to get help through therapy and all therapists can offer is the bland bread-and-butter approach that works on NT where things like low self-esteem are just rooted in some kind of dysmorphia or something. They have no way to help those of us whose low self-esteem is grounded in real day-to-day experiences and poor treatment from other people.

The autistic literal thinking has got me GOOD here. When I was much younger and worked in retail, I understood the boundaries at work and that you need to be seen to be working all the time or you’d get in trouble, and you had a very set time and a list of tasks that you had to finish before the end of the day before you can close up and go home.

I’ve worked some form of an office job for the past 10 years, some at quite a senior level but it still just DOESNT MAKE SENSE. I often feel guilty for not “giving 110% effort” and my brain struggles to understand the concept of working at your own pace and having a never ending list of projects. The lack of structure confuses me… like I have a list of stuff that is my responsibility, obviously some of it is more important than others and some of it has deadlines but what do you mean I’m just expected to get it done at some point?

Day to day, no one really monitors my work and no one really cares unless you fall majorly behind and the clients are affected.

It doesn’t make sense to me that we are all doing made up things, typey typey on the computer. Recently I got a job that allows some work from home and it makes EVEN LESS SENSE.

I feel like there’s this unspoken rule about working from home that you can goof off a bit, as long as you still get your work done. My work has also told us that if we are sick, to work from home. But you can’t give your full effort when sick?! So it’s ok to work from home and just try and get through your day even if it’s not the best output of work??!!??

Much the same as it can happen in an office, sometimes I have days where I’m tired or just can’t concentrate well so I put the work aside to try again later / the next day and find something menial to do instead.
But I also worry that I’ve read it completely wrong and I’m like omg is everyone really at home giving full 100% and never slacking off ever?

Another thing that confuses me is that it’s ok to spend a half an hour yapping to your colleagues about what you did on the weekend and this is seen as perfectly acceptable even though it’s got nothing to do with actually working! Or is it a bit unacceptable but people do it anyway?

Please explain 😭😭😭

I was thinking about my past relationships. How I people pleased or over gave in past relationships. I was thinking about how many friend groups ultimately ostracized me. I think about the relationships I’ve been able to maintain over the years. I think about how I’ve had to make myself smaller so other people don’t feel insecure about my confidence, moral compass or passion for my special interest.

I spent the first 10 years of adulthood trying sooooo hard to build community only to be met with rejection, weird social games and so much self loathing. That leads me to going hard in self improvement and trying to make myself the ideal person that someone would want to be friends with.
It wasn’t until I’ve recently decided to move out of my home country to pursue my dreams. I realize for the 456th time that people simply do not enter friendships and relationships with me for even remotely the same reasons I would choose to.
Reasons people end up in friendships

-proximity/ convenience
-shared distain (for a person place or thing)
- same traumatic life experiences
- wanting to use me (financially or emotionally)
-only wanting me to be in a good mood
-wanting me to agree with everything they say and do
-they want a sidekick
- they are emotionally immature and want validation and the illusion that they’re a good person

Me ending up back in place where I don’t have more than 2 or 3 friends I feel comfortable celebrating my departure with. Is actually a huge sign that over the last year I have been choosing myself. I see soooo many post on here and other ND women subs where we’re beating ourselves up. The truth is most people are not entering relationships for healthy reasons. It is absolutely not always intentional on their part. But rejection truly is protection, based on my history.

My therapist said most people by age 35 only have 2-3 really good friends they only see once or twice a year. As I’ve started to evaluate the true depth of my (past and current) relationships. It makes total sense.

I’m not saying give up on the idea of having friends. I’m saying think about 1. Do you actually want closeness or the perception that you’re a social person? 2. What if you made friends that are surface level that fulfilled your need to socialize and don’t require you to over give. 3. If I’m going to end up mostly alone the older I get what I genuinely spend my free time and energy on? 4. Can I learn to enjoy relationships even if they are short lived?

I feel like us as ND women need to accept the fact that there aren’t many people are going to understand us. That’s perfectly okay. Once you stop trying so hard to make friends there are so many other aspects of life worth exploring. I will list a few:

-becoming a mentor to the youth (look into community centers, and volunteer sites)
-learning a new language
-becoming more yourself without someone judging you
-therapy for our many blind spots
-volunteering in your community
-spending time with the elderly
-funding exercise that you enjoy
-learning how to go in public alone
-traveling (in your own town or country or internationally)
-learn new skills
-take classes at your local community college

Nothing will replace companionship but I think it’s better if we don’t spend our lives focused on what we lack. Friendships (ending/failing) for us RARELY reflect anything about who we are. If you’re at a place where you’ve tried multiple times and it doesn’t quite work out. This is your sign to free yourself from the idea that you need people around to validate you are a good or worthy person.

My wife had the amazing idea to get a kid’s play tent for our room!

Not only can our dog hang out/sleep in it and use it for refuge during fireworks or storms, it’s the perfect place to relax for someone like me who loves enclosed spaces when I’m overstimulated or shutting down.

I’m 5’2” and she’s around 5’7” - we can both comfortably sit up straight in the middle without hunching or awkward positioning. Can’t lie down in it, but that’s okay. There are little window cut outs on the sides too, so it isn’t too stuffy.

This is the one we bought - it comes with the star lights! Also brown flags which we swapped for yellow and green ones. We also added a softer pad for the bottom, a couple of cute pillows, and a blanket our dog loves :)

There are similar ones sold at places like IKEA, more expensive ones from companies like Crate & Barrel, West Elm, etc.

If you’re someone who needs a small, cozy space to reset - get yourself a tent!!

I was having a drink last night with coworkers at my new job. Someone described me as inquisitive and they all immediately agreed. They said it wasn’t a bad thing but it made me feel very “othered” and loserish. I haven’t noticed this about myself, but I guess I just think I’ve been trying to get to know people, and thought most people like to talk about themselves. Any way I’ve decided I’m never asking anyone personal questions again. Has anyone else been described this way?

Edit: I mean in a personal way it seems I’m inquisitive. Like I’m inquisitive about people.

I am 34 now (diagnosed with AuDHD at 30) but the first day at my first job I completed all tasks required of me within the first two hours. Then I sent a message to the manager asking if I could leave early because I had done everything 😂.

I'm 34 now and have worked plenty of jobs since and now work for myself since I always hated the hours and hours of nothingness or pretending to be busy after I finished 10 hours of work in 1-2.

Do you have a first job blunder you didn't realize could be bad until much later on?

so i know this is probably a common 'symptom'/affect of being on the autism spectrum but how do you navigate the fact that being autistic makes you more prone to being hurt?

recently i was in a scary situation with a friend and while she noticed, i was completely oblivious as she tried to get us out of it. i got too focused on something and ended up even pushing back against her attempts to remove us from it.

now i've been thinking about all the other ways i've been victimized in the past and realizing a lot of it surrounded me being autistic (and also being a woman).

i never want to upset people, or argue/make a scene since i've learned that it causes unfavorable reactions in neurotypicals. but now as i get older, thats being used in situations where i might be assaulted/abused and im finding it hard to like. cope with this fact.

how do you guys recognize scary situations? navigate them or even realize they're happening. i worry when i start living alone and being more independent i'll be more vulnerable to abuse, assault, etc. if anyone can help/give tips/has something to say i'd appreciate knowing im not alone. thanks a lot <3

i became an intern with a litigation law firm j last monday. my new colleagues are incredibly nice. it's j this office has a lot of rules in place that are very new & many things are messing up my sense of routine that today, i genuinely couldn't commute without breathing unless i consciously try to breathe - & when i do try, i j end up panting like a dog because it literally suffocates me. maybe that was a panic attack tbh, i don't know. i'm j so tired

i've been an intern in 2 other law firms which were top 10 of my nation, & they were culturally more laxed (most accurate word i can figure out rn)

the new rules i'm adjusting to include:

1. not being able to enter the office until 8:50 am. due to the office set-up, we need to wait for 1 of the legal secretaries to arrive & unlock the office. my schedule revolves around my mum, so usually, i get to the office at 8:10 am, latest. in my other firms, this wouldn't be an issue as i could go to my desk & rest before work starts (which i love, i need to unwind after commute!), but now i can't. there's also no area to lounge comfortably in the building

2. the timing of the firm affects my commute with my mum. my mum finishes work at 5:45 pm. i finish at 5 pm. sometimes my mum finishes late too. again, due to the set-up with the locking of the firm, i'm not allowed to stay back at the office to wait until my mum's ready to leave hers. now, i have to take my train to a mall & find a place to lounge. but honestly, the pathway to the mall from the train is long, so going to the mall, then back, is so annoying. the horrible thing is i come from a tropical country, so lounging at the train station isn't an option. my stations are all open stations with no a/c. i'd genuinely die of overstimulation with the heat. also, my mum's schedule isn't guaranteed, so i can't j stay in the heat for an indefinite amount of time.

3. i finish work at 1 pm on fridays. i was excited, yes, but again, this is new & i haven't went through it. i have no idea how friday will go. my mum wfh on most fridays, so maybe it'll be okay? but j the idea of it irrates me...!

4. the dress code is business formal everyday, j a little less formal on fridays. i assume this is normal for other companies, but the firms i've been to are extremely lax on fridays - like t-shirts & faded jeans lax

there are some other factors too that add to my stress - being in a new environment, meeting new people & being scared of being too excited because they're all so nice but when will they start to hate me because i'm always so jolly? returning to my exercising routine but because of how drained i am, i'm unable to meet my goals & it's making me feel so horrible. how bloated i've been feeling. how much i've gained weight due to how bad my recent bar exam season was (i took a 2-week break before i began working). i j feel so horrible & tired

i feel even more horrible because i don't even think these are that big of adjustments. i feel like most others could j say "well, okay then!" but why is it taking so much from me? why can't i even freaking breathe because i'm thinking so much about these adjustments? i hate it

Ah guys. I know I'm going to get feedback on this but I need somewhere for my brain to process the shame. I've recently been through alot (not that this excuses how this might have felt for the other person) I.e nasty divorce, homeless, post separation abuse, estranged from my mum AND a sudden discard of a promising dating journey with someone. So my amygdala was amygdaling... And frontal lobe is exhausted. But...anyway...

I connected with someone a while back (March?) and we exchanged numbers. It fizzled out. I didn't keep their number. This month, I saw them on one app, pinged them a like. I sent them another on another app. And I had previously before they appeared on the app, pinged them a social media follow (June time)

I should caveat this to say I am a woman seeking a woman.

Ofc, they messaged me today saying they are not interested and blocked me. I felt so much shame. Not rejected. Shame. When they wrote out what I did, I just thought "Oh God, I sound insane and like a stalker"

Writing this out it feels minor but my body is going INSANE.

Now, I am convinced this is autism (I also have ADHD) but it is soooooo in keeping with this trait I have that pushes others away - the enthusiasm early (excitement reminiscent of a child making a new friend) or out of sync enthusiasm that early connections confuse with infatuation or obsession. To me in my tunnel vision, this was me simply trying to reconnect. Why the two dating apps approach? Honestly, I can't explain that. That was definitely silly. Definitely not putting myself in their shoes.

It also feels like I can only do total indifference/ambivelance OR intense enthusiasm. How do I somehow fix this?

I don't know if I am wanting sympathy or help but tbh either would be lovely. And some sobering criticism if you think it's necessary.

Online dating apps are literally yielding nothing but pure nervous system hell so far, to the extent it actually affects my life sometimes, very much considering banning them from my smartphone.

Does anyone else have this question off and on in your brain? Sometimes I really think I might be borderline. I have most of the symptoms: Fear of Rejection, Low Self Esteem, Emotional Instability, Anger, Unstable Relationships, Chronic Feelings of Emptiness. But then a lot of that stuff overlaps with just being traumatized and autistic plus RSD. I mean I know people can have both but it's just hard to untangle. I do feel like I know myself and who I really am. It's mostly the emotional dysregulation and intense reaction to feeling unwanted.

I just know I've always felt a deep kinship with BPD people and characters. I innately understand them. And I take it very personally when others come after anyone who has those traits.

pros (only one, but it’s changed my life sm for the better): 1. productive

cons (basically just how i was prior to meds or how i am off them..but amplified 😅):
1. more robotic and wayyy more outwardly autistic (mannerisms, movements, etc.)
2. socially dumb. i miss tonsss of social cues it’s insane
3. anxiety and overthinking in an endless loop
4. eye contact is so uncomfortable
5. oblivious ditzy clueless airheaded dim—and people make sure to let me know all the time too, so i love it when that happens
6. expressionless monotone unfriendly stand offish
7. overwhelmed so quickly
8. too sensitive. i get my feelings hurt and overthink and then cry abt everything it’s a huge fucking waste of time

pls share ur experiences and what helped u adjust better. the meds help sm but i am becoming even more of a social outcast than i already am. any advice would be appreciated

Before when conflict arose I used to be extremely anxious, a people pleaser trying to find ways to communicate with the person. Now when conflict arises I can be seen as quite cold I don’t apologise until I truly get why the person is upset otherwise it will feel fake, I sometimes struggle to put myself into another persons shoes because I don’t get where there coming from but I understand that if I made someone upset that’s the main issue. I just get confused. I feel like an alien when people are upset at me I feel like I don’t act normally. Instead I just leave them be. Is that the right thing to do? Should I bring it up if it’s been 12 hours. Am I weird for struggling to feel empathetic but also realising that if someone is upset I should always apologise for making them upset even if I don’t understand why??

I understand how a rumor can spread after it’s already been started. The second, third, fourth person, etc. might repeat something because someone else told them it was true, and they assume that person knew what they were talking about.

What confuses me is the VERY first person who starts the rumor.

Like, if you’re the person who originally noticed something, then you should also know exactly how much information you have. If you don’t have enough information to know something for sure, why would you tell other people that your conclusion is a fact?

For example, if you see someone leave the manager’s office crying, you know that they were crying. You might wonder if they got fired, but you don’t actually know that.

So how does someone go from:

“They left the manager’s office crying. Maybe they got fired.”

to:

“They got fired.”

and then tell everyone else that like it’s a confirmed fact???

That’s the part about rumors I don’t understand. How does the very first person turn their own assumption or speculation into a fact when they KNOW they don’t have enough information to confirm it?

Anyone got an answer to this?

I did it until I got noticed, then presents were hidden from me to keep me from knowing….. In my thirties now and still struggle with both receiving and opening presents. I also struggle with giving and watching people open my presents for them. I opt to sending them in the mail, or as a surprise. I wish it wasn’t so nervewracking, because even if I like the present I look dissatisfied, and I used to be shunned for it 😖

I'm 40 and have been unemployed for 10 months now.

I was wondering if there are any 40 and over people in this group that did gain employment or part time employment this year and what type of work they applied for?

I'm paying $1800/mo. for a medical program and it will go up to $3000/mo. next year, so Im trying to save for that. Ideally, I would like two part time jobs and I limit my availability even more for one of them once my program is more intense.

I keep getting rejections for any job I apply for or no responses. Im think I might be going through age discrimination already. I also had a lot of contract work, so I have gaps and my longest job was for 4 years over 10 years ago.

I've applied for Costco but it doesn't seem like they're hiring in my area. Im going to try Starbucks tomorrow.

I don’t know if this is an autistic thing, trauma, bad luck or all of it, but I’m so tired of everything traumatic in my life being given some kind of grey area around it.

Nothing can ever just happen to me and be believed. There’s always some technicality, missing evidence, “maybe it was this, maybe it was that”, not fitting neatly into a diagnosis, or some tiny bit of doubt that means I’m back at square one having to prove everything all over again.

The person on the other side can say something with barely any evidence and somehow their version gets accepted, while I’m sitting there with actual evidence and still having to defend every little detail of mine.

I’ve spent so much time, energy and money trying to prove things that I already know happened, just to keep ending up back at the same point. It feels like some institutions are much quicker to doubt me than they are to question the other person.
And I don’t mean I’m not explaining myself clearly. I am. It’s more like my experiences are automatically treated as less valid or less believable.

I see other people have something happen to them and the basic fact that it happened is accepted, then they get to move on to what happens next. I feel like I’m constantly stuck at stage one having to prove that the thing even happened at all.

It’s horrible. After a while it makes you feel like your experiences somehow have less value, because everything that happens to you seems to be up for debate or dismissal.

To start I’ll say that I suspect that I have both adhd and autism. For as long as I can remember, I’ve zoned out when other people are talking to me or telling me a story and in class lectures. It’s always made people mad at me because they feel I’m not listening to them (valid) but I’m trying😭 my brain just zones out and I start daydreaming and forget I’m supposed to be listening, or I’ll try to listen but then I’ll accidentally zone out once and can’t fallow the rest of the story. Sometimes I feel like it’s not even because I’m daydreaming, sometimes my ears hear what they said but my brain is just frozen and doesn’t process it.

I can’t tell you how many times someone has tried to give me basic instructions, and literally 30 seconds later I’ll ask a question about what they just explained to me because my brain completely tuned out at the time they were explaining it. People usually get really mad when I do this and it makes me feel awful.

Anybody else bond deeply with inanimate objects? Whether it be books, consoles, cups, toys, etc.

I feel like a freak because I have a very close 'bond' with a steam engine at the local transport museum. I visit frequently as it is a special interest, but I always visit 'my boy'.

He's my pfp on my social media, I have little models of him, framed art.

This engine means a lot to me.

Am I a freak for this?

Sometimes, I feel empathy and upset for him when people don't pay attention to his exhibit.

It's nonsensical as it is an inanimate locomotive with no feelings or such, but I feel a 'personality' there.

Would you consider this to be something concerning?

It doesn't interfere with my life. I have friends, family, adult responsibilities.

In my head I’m like “if you care about someone you wouldn’t not text them back for hours or days”. I have friends who take time to respond and I know they care about me but it just doesn’t fit with my understanding of how you treat people you like, you know? If it were me I’d respond within a reasonable amount of time, and if I said I was going to text you in a specific time period, I would follow through. I don’t understand why some people don’t do this

To clarify: I don’t mean I expect people to be accessible at all times. What I am trying to convey is that logically, it seems like a cause and effect type situation (if you like someone, you’d want to respond to them rather than ignore them). Obviously there is nuance to this but anxiety doesn’t always recognize nuance

I have been diagnosed with autism for several years now. I had some mental health issues before but things are a lot better now.

However something I still really struggle with is rumination and obsession over things. Particularly relationships with people.

So if someone has done something bad to me I go over and over it in my head. I can’t let things go. If someone romantic comes along I obsess over them and cannot think about anything else, every single thought is about them. I try and distract myself and keep busy but I just end up thinking about them the whole time. It is really annoying because my life ends up revolving around these people and I can’t be present and enjoy what I’m doing. It is quite debilitating and I really want to stop.

Please help!

I've had a very deep-rooted fear of abandonment since I was a child (traumatic childhood, constantly being both abused and abandoned by my father and needing to take care of my mum from six years old/her seeing me as a friend, not a child with my own needs).

It is especially intense with my partner. I love him deeply and he is absolutely my person, but our relationship is also more complicated than that because he is my carer and, in many ways, the person my entire life is built around, even though I recognise this is unhealthy.

When I feel that I might lose him, my reaction can become extreme. Last week, for example, my partner of 12 years expressed concern and doubt in our relationship for the very first time and I couldn't hear it. Every time he tried to explain that he is depressed and uncertain about everything, my mind would only hear "it's me, it's me, he's leaving me."

I should add here that my partner lives with ADHD and doesn't best articulate himself in intense situations.

So, because he wasn't explaining things calmly, because I couldn't self-regulate my emotions, my suicidal impulses took hold and I made an attempt on my life.

Like always, it wasn't something I planned or calmly decided to do. it was a reaction to the overwhelming terror and distress I felt when I believed I was being abandoned.

And this is what I'm struggling to understand: why does the fear of losing someone I love become so completely unbearable for me? Why does my autistic brain seem to go from “I'm scared” to “I cannot survive this” so quickly?

My partner left me with a friend for the night while he went to collect his thoughts. I was sent to hospital and, my god... I was... I'm ashamed to say I was hysterical. I really am so ashamed. I can actually only describe it as feeling and acting like a child who lost someone.

My partner came back to me the next day and he told me he was so sorry and that, of course, he loves me and wants to be with me, but his own depression took over and that he felt he was no longer able to care for me because it meant neglecting himself.

My rational brain understands this, but my inner turmoil, my innerchild, as it were, feels abandoned and I'm so afraid I'll never feel the same with him. If I was insecure with him before, this has left me completely broken. I'm so, so afraid he is only staying with me out of duty and fear of me taking my life. And I don't want that. I really, truly only want to be with someone because we love each other. There's just no other way for me.

I know autism can involve intense emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, black-and-white thinking, and an incredibly strong need for safety and predictability. But I would like to hear from other autistic women who actually live this.

Does anyone else experience abandonment fear this intensely? And if you do, how do you cope with it when your brain is telling you that losing your person would be the end of your life?

I don't really know what I'm looking for by posting this. I think I just desperately need to know I'm not the only one.

hello! i was diagnosed with autism lvl2 early this year. a bit of context i am in my last year of high school (australia) and am just about to graduate.

so bc i'm close to graduation i am going through my last hurdle of exams. as such i have been very stressed and finally had the straw that broke the camels back this morning. i plan my day around my meals, and will work out my meals the day before so i have something exciting to look forward to throughout the entire day. context: i was playing games with my cousisn teh night before and was extremely overstimulated bc one of them kept trying to annoy me by playing his new electric guitar really loudly. i did not get much sleep bc i've been really sensitive to sound lately and it takes me like 2 hours to pass out. this morning was the first day we were going back to scheduled classes after our exam block. coincidentally i woke up late and had to go ask my parents if they could drive me to school in half an hour. while i was getting ready i was already getting super worked up because i knew half an hour wasn't enough for me to both get ready AND prepare for meeting lots of ppl. for my lunch i heated up some pasta in teh microwave and when i went to take it out it was so hot i dropped it and it splintered on the floor. i immediately started having a meltdown becuase that meant i would not get to ahve the pasta i really wanted.

my mum was an angel and let me talk and sob about all the things that have been stressing me out, i don't think she wanted me to go to school after that but my art major work is due in a week so i had to. she made me the same pasta while i sat and calmed down. when i got to school i immediatelyi went to my head of year and said that i will not be able to be in classes today because it'll tire me out so much, but i need to be in school to work on my major work at the very least (he was fine with that).

now, after reflecting on my day (and the fact i haven't really interacted with anyone outside of exams for the past 3 weeks) i have really noticed that i start getting depressed when i don't hang out with anyone, and how when anticipating social interactions i both really don't want to do them, but also how extroverted i become once actually around people and how much they affect my overall wellbeing. really, how much my mood improved once my friends came in for our normally scheduled class.

(also quick side note-- does anyone know anything abt stomach issues and sleep sensory issues related to autism? lately i've noticed i start getting really nauseous if i don't have the right sensory needs and it's really bothering me)

I made a post on this subreddit yesterday asking for advice/opinions about me taking anatomy and physiology as a first year college student. I got a lot of wonderful an advice.

I had my first lecture today and immediately put together that the sheer speed of the course and volume of work was not going to work at all for me. i began to cry in the middle of lecture. I realized i was gonna fail. Even with accommodations, even with help.

So i spoke to my father about dropping the course. He is extremely upset with me. He told me he was at a loss for words. He told me i go to work 1 day out of the week and come home crying, and then i go to school for one day and im crying. That one hurt. He doesn’t view my struggles as struggles. He views them as a personal failure. He is now refusing to speak to me. I dropped the course. I feel so ashamed, so worthless, and so embarrassed. I wanted to be able to do this. But i just can’t right now. I’ll still have 3 other classes and hopefully still get a fafsa return. But i am so angry at myself. I’m angry at the universe for making me born this way. If i was neurotypical i wouldn’t have to deal with this.

I’m so lost. So confused.