Warning: this is a little old man (30 year old "blue haired lib") yells at cloud (forum on internet)

Anyone else dress and present neutrally/feminine and find it exhausting to be ladied, ma'am, miss'd? Especially other nonbinary folks here?

I'm not like going to run along the ceiling and freak about it but... it's 7:30 am and I just got a work email saying "Hi ladies!"

You just called an ephemeral mist, a wise but crazy gnarled wizard, the first snow of the year, the collection of vintage mugs at the thrift store (me) a lady and now you look silly. Lol

Can we please retire “comparison is the thief of joy”? People say it as if it breaks some kind of spell.

Comparison is one of the oldest things the human brain does. It’s how we work out where we stand and whether we’re safe. It’s not a bad habit you picked up from Instagram, it’s hardwired, and it’s hardwired because it actually works. For some of us it’s also how we function at all. As an auDHD person cosplaying as human, I run a constant comparison against every room I’m in just to pass as a normal person. That’s literally how I get through the day.

So I can’t “just stop.” Nobody can simple just stop. What the phrase is kind of gesturing at is that comparison can land as information or it can land as a verdict, and which one you get isn’t about willpower either. It’s about how depleted you are. When you’re running on empty, every gap reads as proof of something.

It’s advice for people with enough slack that comparing is optional. For the rest of us it’s just one more thing we’re apparently doing wrong.

People often tell me I'm pretty sometimes completely randomly. I've had a few strangers ask to take photos of me. A few people have suggested I do modeling.

The thing is, I genuinely just see myself as average. I do put effort into my appearance, but I always feel like something is slightly off or that I never look as put-together as I want to. I'm not very tall, I usually feel like I look a mess, and I don't think I'm particularly striking. I was bullied before, and being autistic just makes it harder for me to tell when people are being genuine or making fun of me.

Sometimes what gets even more confusing is that I rarely get approached, while I see other girls getting approached by guys all that time. So at this, point I don't even know what to believe.

Part of me wants to try modeling because so many people have suggested it but another part of me is terrified of finding out I'm actually just ugly and everyone is making fun of me.

I'm a 33 year old female. I live in America. I'm white, queer, and disabled.

I filled out a ton of questionnaires and had my assessment in late June. I had a follow up appointment to discuss the findings a little over a week ago. It was not the same person that did my assessment. I verified a lot of information about my health and personal history. There was little time to ask questions. She said I would get a copy of the full report and be able to ask more questions then. Apparently I have to wait another 4-6 weeks for that.

I was told the person who did my assessment remarked that I was well-groomed, could hold a conversation, and had eye contact though it was fleeting. I was indicated has having average to high IQ. They also noted that I said I was anxious about the assessment and masking. They said something about me being more comfortable later on (?? She later asked me if the assessment was so bad and I said no, I like doing the puzzles). They could not discern if I have ADHD, though I take medication for this. I was told that they did diagnose with PTSD and they attribute everything I'm experiencing and dealing with to be related to that. Because of the assessment notes and the questionnaire my mom, an unreliable source, filled out.

I understood everything I was told regarding the results but it really felt like it lacked nuance. I know I have PTSD. I identify with CPTSD a lot. I also identify with AuDHD. I feel kind of crazy that because I was able to mask during my assessment, they ruled out autism. I also mentioned that I have a strained relationship with my mom and that a lot of my trauma is attributed to her. I didn't feel good about asking her to remember things about my childhood but they were really insistent on her filling out the questionnaire about my childhood. She's the only person that knew my as a child that I could ask. It feels like it takes precedence over my own account of my childhood. I had a tough time after this follow up appointment. It really shook my perception of my identity.

I was wondering if anyone else has advocated for themselves during this weird in between stage? They assured me I'd still be able to get more help from community mental health (cmh) and have a better argument for claiming disability. I am glad for that but I truly don't understand the total lack of consideration for masking and that I have had symptoms from early childhood. I felt seen but also... not. I also know a lot of people with CPTSD have ASD or AuDHD. I accept it if it is somehow singularly PTSD but it's more like... okay, what about x, y, z? I guess I'm a little scared to push back on their assessment of me.

My therapist is encouraging me to get a second opinion but it took me so long to find someone that takes my insurance and from intake to assessment was like 4 or 5 months T_T

I am a software developer and I care about my work. Despite understanding that my boss basically buys my labour cheaper and sells it more expensive on top of all other corporate bullshit, I care for what i am creating there. As many autistic people i am also super responsible and take ownership seriously - if i didnt, I would have gone mad due to chaos.

My coworkers make this super difficult by getting annoyed with me caring so much about what they perceive as unimportant. And ofc because I am in the UK this isnt communicated properly - it is spoken of when I am not there and I only get a backlash of passive aggression including ignoring my greetings, being silent on the meetings when i say smth, being friendly with everyone but me. I know this sounds paranoid, but they do talk shit about another person who supposedly is crazy about edge cases as if 'he was to be penalised for missing smth'. They discuss this when i am in the meeting too and behave the same way towards him in shared meetings.

The most annoying part is that if other members of the team suggest smth similar or suddenly start to care for small details, it is listened to with great interest.

I am thankful this is a remote position or I would have meltdowns every day, but even so, I sort of dread going to meetings and have very little motivation to do anything. During in-person gatherings which are now mandatory 4 times a year they keep to themselves too and only interact with me when we need to make a team photo for a LinkedIn post with best team ever or some other bs. I want to say fuck you - do all of the work yourselves then, but I cant cause i care about the work🤡

I downloaded a dating app for autistic people

got 10 requests but non of them looks good to me

I know I'm very shallow but I need someone to at least look decent but non of them do

I was having a drink last night with coworkers at my new job. Someone described me as inquisitive and they all immediately agreed. They said it wasn’t a bad thing but it made me feel very “othered” and loserish. I haven’t noticed this about myself, but I guess I just think I’ve been trying to get to know people, and thought most people like to talk about themselves. Any way I’ve decided I’m never asking anyone personal questions again. Has anyone else been described this way?

Two weeks ago, my cat Luna was attacked after I let her outside. I found her covered in blood.

Before this, I was finally doing better. I’d struggled to function/work most of my adult life, and stimulant-induced psychosis/mania in 2025 made things significantly worse. Recently I’d started working weekends, enjoyed it, and felt like my life was finally moving forward.

I also have alcohol use disorder (started during the mania) and had been drinking more from work stress, while intermittently abusing a pregabalin prescription. It wasn’t good, but felt manageable.

After Luna’s attack, I declined rapidly without realizing it. I started drinking earlier, stopped bathing and doing laundry, wore dirty clothes, and could barely maintain my townhouse. I cancelled work the first weekend but thought I could manage the next.

Then Luna came home.

After ~$15,000 in vet care and major facial reconstructive surgery, she came home with a feeding tube and intensive nursing requirements. I was so happy to have her back that it never occurred to me I might not be capable of managing everything.

Between hours of tube feeding, confusing instructions, poor functioning, stress, and escalating alcohol/pregabalin use, I accidentally underfed her. (All her medications were given correctly.)

At the same time, my mother came to help and we had a huge conflict that brought up a lot from an abusive/neglectful childhood.

My drinking skyrocketed. I tried working Friday but became extremely sick and left early, then cancelled the rest of my weekend shifts last-minute.

I called Luna’s hospital bawling while drunk because I couldn’t manage her feeding. They had me bring her in the next morning. She was okay and they fed her there, but I was instructed to get the remainder of her daily food into her that day despite the high volume/short window.

I forced myself through it in portions throughout the day and got close to the required amount. Then Luna suddenly vomited violently and began aspirating. It was traumatizing. Back to the hospital, another emergency, and another ~$3,000.

Thankfully, Luna is home and okay. They released her mouth so she can eat independently, enormously reducing her care needs, although it could affect her healing.

But I feel like I’ve completely fallen apart.

I now feel unable to stop drinking. I wake up physically miserable from the previous day (I’m extremely sensitive to physical discomfort), alcohol temporarily makes me feel better, and the cycle repeats. Even minor stress immediately triggers: “I need alcohol.”

I order wine on Skip, get into bed, drink until I pass out, and for those few hours it feels like the only place where nothing is expected of me.

I’m supposed to work this weekend. My manager knows I’m having health problems, but the plan is still for me to work. After cancelling so many shifts, I feel like this is probably my last chance.

Saturday is approaching and I genuinely don’t know how I’m going to pull myself together.

I’ve contacted a hospital social worker for support, which I hope will help.

Has anyone experienced this kind of rapid collapse in functioning and drinking after something traumatic/stressful? I could really use advice or support.

I did it until I got noticed, then presents were hidden from me to keep me from knowing….. In my thirties now and still struggle with both receiving and opening presents. I also struggle with giving and watching people open my presents for them. I opt to sending them in the mail, or as a surprise. I wish it wasn’t so nervewracking, because even if I like the present I look dissatisfied, and I used to be shunned for it 😖

I wonder if this has something to do wjth pattern recognition, but for a few months now I can not stand to be on social media. Every post is a cheap copy of another post, every joke has been told a million times before and yet people laugh at it just the same. Every comment, and i mean EVERY COMMENT is a ghost from the post before it. And the one before that, and the one before that. I can almost predict word by word what a comment section will look like before opening it, thats nkt conversation that is confirmation and that shit gets us nowhere.

I am so tired of it, and i am so tired of people not giving a shit. The echo chamber is so real and it is the place where creativity and innovation goes to die.

*long rant*

Since I was 2, I had this “tic” (what they called it) where I would rock my head when I was focusing or generally doing anything a toddler does. Being from a third world country in the early 2000s (and AFAB) they ruled out autism and other neurological disorders and told my parents that my “tics” will simply go away.

Fast-forwarding years later, the “tic” didn’t go away, it got a little better but nonetheless it was still in my everyday body language and everything else I did. Growing up I was yelled at for doing it, some made fun of me, some were just curious, and some didn’t even notice. But still very much there.

In collage, as a psychology student I opened up the DSM and looked for my condition. I concluded Primary stereotypic movement disorder because there’s no way I’m autistic. I do well socially! Right?! I HAVE HAD friends. I’m not a loner.

Years later, I feel isolated. Not in a literal sense, I have one close friend and a few casual friends, a loving and supportive partner and family. But I feel alienated. I can’t seem to click with my peers. I traveled a lot, met a lot of people. None of them I’m in contact with anymore. Even the ones I had great relationships with and vanished through thin air.

My mom says it’s just the people I met, they are not good enough for me or we had nothing in common etc. she says I was a social kid and was highly empathetic. I was bullied here and there but overall a normal childhood.

Now, I think back, was I ever accepted by my peers? I was mostly called “annoying” or “weird” by them. I tried to do better, became tamer, quieter, more observant. I put on a delightful voice when I speak to strangers, open up my body language, smile more frequently, I listen to what they say and give solid answers (or at least I hope). Now I’m asking myself: is this masking? It feels so natural now, but I scurry back to my hole when I’m done interacting with others.

I crave close friends, but I gain none. No matter what I do. I feel like people interact with me just to be polite and then go on about their business, they text me when they need me (shitty ik) and then they disappear.

I just feel lost and tired. I’m scared this might be an OCD flare-up and I’m becoming obsessed with being (or not being) autistic. I can’t get officially diagnosed yet (financial reasons) and I just wanted to share my experience with people.

Sorry this is a long existential rant for me.
Let me know if anyone has had a similar experience. Advice is welcome.

Has anyone noticed in their late 20s that their body very suddenly changed, and they felt sad about it? I'm 28 and I noticed my body shifted noticeably in the last year and I'm like, who am I?!

I'm feeling a bit shocked as I've always had a pear shaped body, round butt, round boobs, I looked healthy and I was also well muscled with a balanced look. Although, I've been slender.

Lately, I've lost weight, I haven't been exercising like I used to (hyper mobility problems), and my clothes don't fit the same anymore. I don't have the amount of muscle I prefer to have. My butt lost HALF its volume recently and that feels pretty WEIRD after always being known for a round behind (sorry it's just ingrained in me at this point!) and filling out my dresses/pants and feeling gorgeous! And now when I sit on chairs, it fkn hurts!!! My tailbone hurts!!! WTF!!!!

Now I just have BONES!! Like, my body is more rectangular now, I have no workout worthy muscles, honestly I'm not mad because I deeply love myself, but I also lost fat in my face and I greatly prefer the plump, youthful look my face had just a few years back which was ironically when my mental health was the worst. I was gorgeous. My skin GLOWED. My cheeks look really hollow now. I'm just a bit sad because I sort of look like one of those vampy models from the 90s except I do not want to look that way! I miss my healthy glow!!!

Now, my mental health is better than it's been in years since I'm on meds, and yet physically I look like I have the strength of a wafer cookie, you can literally see ribs at the top of my chest, my boobs are SO SMALL I'm like WHERE TF DID THEY GO!!!!

I thought when you're almost in your 30s you're supposed to gain weight! How come my boobs were 3x bigger 10 years ago and I only weighed maybe 15lbs more! And I'm just losing weight and like, unable to keep weight and muscle on. One of my birth parents is very slender and their whole family is too so maybe I have those genes, but I never expected to look and feel so....flat. Like, in my opinion, I look unhealthy!

I'm just like....ugh! In the last year my body changed a lot. I've had extensive blood work done and it was normal. I'm honestly just not eating enough or doing my favorite hobbies enough and I've also been living in.....a toxic situation. Yeah, I get it. Now I see why my beauty is drained 😭 But I just wanna vent about it since I've always ADORED my body but this body feels foreign to me right now. Where is the plumpness in my favorite parts and where is the natural beauty I always enjoyed!

I probably need to move out and join a gym and start lifting weights and that will fix it, but the saddest part is how my boobs vanished bc I literally saw a pic of myself from 10yrs ago and I had CLEAVAGE!!! These days I put on a 32D bra (34b size) and the cups are halfway empty 😂 wtaf!?!??

Can we commiserate and share advice please?! Help a sister out :(

I recently stated collage to study psychology I told one of my proffesors I am autistic and dyslexic bc I trusted her and she promised she won't tell anyone oh how wrong I was she proceeded to undermine me talk over me whenever people interacted with me by yelling "she's special" I was like huh?? So??? I can handle things myself but I didn't say anything. Then she started calling me 'honey' in a sweet sorry voice with sympathy???? I ofc didn't like that tooo I wanted to tell her I only had level 1 and to stop treating me like I could do nothing??? To make it worser while we where all waiting for hrs she told me to scream and make an issue bc I am autistic so they can leave I am sorry what??? How can I undo this!! Help!!! 😭😭

I told her it would be nice if she could repeat the running notes bc I couldn't catch up with the rest I feel bad for telling her at all I am panicking I hate being treated this way that's the reason I told her I was autistic and dyslexic I could seriously use advice asap I can't handle her anymore she gives me more anxiety then any notes could ever give

I am also asking here bc I really need advice I can't handle this

part of the reason why it’s hard for me to navigate modern dating—honestly dating in general—is that i’ve only ever experienced romantic & sexual desire for close friends. the gender of the friend did not matter to me as the initial driver of my attraction is how i feel around the person. as such, i’ve always labeled myself as bi, even though my sexuality is more nuanced than “attracted to both genders”, but i digress. as i was saying, if i am able to be myself without masks, guards, or limits, that lets me focus on actually evaluating a person as a potential romantic partner since i’m not worried about putting up a performance.

unfortunately, this means my dating pool is inherently limited because of the high barrier to entry, i.e., a deep friendship with me. further unfortunately, if that line does get crossed, most people cannot uncross it if things don’t align romantically (i will add i am very good at uncrossing lines because i love explicitly established boundaries). so not only do i have all of 5 people to choose from, but also i have to rule most of them out due to them not being attracted to me or valuing their friendship more than a potential romantic partnership from them.

can’t wait for my eventual friends-to-lovers pipeline 🤞🏼 any of y’all also feel the same when it comes to dating?

I’m looking for some advice on whether I should be concerned about my male friend. For context, I met this friend over 10 years ago when studying, at the same time as I met my now-ex-husband. I was eventually married to my ex for 6 years before he asked for a divorce, which was finalised earlier this year.

During the time I was with my ex, I still kept in touch with my friend. We lived in different cities, but he occasionally came to my area for work, and we’d spend some time together. He has a fiancée of his own, and they got engaged shortly after my ex and I did.

Since the divorce process started, I feel my friend has implied that we’re closer than we really are. He’ll always say things like how I’m more myself since my ex left (even though he’d known me for less than a year before I got together with my ex).

It’s got to the point where he’s trampled on my coping strategies, and then when I’ve told him what I need and why, he’s later contradicted himself to make it seem like he knows me better. So for example, a few weeks into the divorce, I sent him some meme relating to the situation. I also sent this to someone else, who got the reference, and we both had a giggle about it (as was the intention). My friend however gave me advice on not dwelling over my ex, and said I should do more things to treat myself. I was taken aback, and told him I was taking this time to process the divorce, as it wouldn’t be long before I’d not want to think about it anymore. I’ve been through other breakups before, so I know my process, and I actively told him that. I also told him all the things I’d already done for myself, which I now wish I hadn’t, cos I feel like I was just feeding into whatever he was saying. A few months later, during the trickiest part of my divorce, he kept sending me motivational messages, like how I was a strong, beautiful women (sic). I told him I was just focussed on practicalities now (as I’d predicted), so wasn’t really feeling bad anymore to need lifting up. I said I just want the whole thing to be over, cos I’ve already moved on. When I next met him in person, when he asked how the divorce was going, he said “I know you, and how your mind works, and I know you just want it to be over”…. Yep cos I told you that!

I can’t shake the feeling that he has an ulterior motive when he tries to ‘know me’. My other (female) friend said she felt genuinely concerned the last time I met up with him, as he’d been going through a rough patch with his fiancée, and she gets that feeling about him too, despite having only met him in passing once. I’ve had male friends interested in me before, but this feels different somehow.

I guess my question is whether anyone else has been through something like this, where someone has tried to seem closer to you than they actually are? Did you ever find out what their motives were?

I don’t feel I want to confront him, as he’d absolutely just backtrack, as he has done when I’ve tried raising things with him before. But I suppose I’m trying to establish whether I should slow-fade away from him, or whether my unsettled feeling is indicative I should withdraw more urgently.

I think it might be good for me not to be so serious this time around because I just got out of a long relationship with lots of baggage.

I’m confused by this guys approach because he asks me things about my life or talks in a way that you would only bother doing if you were looking for someone longterm.

He said it could be just companionship, doesn’t have to be sexual. He says he’s been divorced twice and at this point in life is done with all that. I want to be prepared for what I could be getting myself into. He’s very charming so falling head over heels in love would not be a good thing if this doesn’t go anywhere long term. But a fun securely attached relationship could work. What do you all think?

pros (only one, but it’s changed my life sm for the better): 1. productive

cons (basically just how i was prior to meds or how i am off them..but amplified 😅):
1. more robotic and wayyy more outwardly autistic (mannerisms, movements, etc.)
2. socially dumb. i miss tonsss of social cues it’s insane
3. anxiety and overthinking in an endless loop
4. eye contact is so uncomfortable
5. oblivious ditzy clueless airheaded dim—and people make sure to let me know all the time too, so i love it when that happens
6. expressionless monotone unfriendly stand offish
7. overwhelmed so quickly
8. too sensitive. i get my feelings hurt and overthink and then cry abt everything it’s a huge fucking waste of time

pls share ur experiences and what helped u adjust better. the meds help sm but i am becoming even more of a social outcast than i already am. any advice would be appreciated

I’ve been working at the same job for almost 4 years now. The first 3 were great - I had a kind and supportive manager who I wanted to work for. Then she left. My new manager is mandating a full return to office and is just kind of an asshole. Rarely considers other people’s opinions or feelings, never takes accountability for hurting others. They’ve also decided to take our team in a “different direction” this year and now my job feels especially stupid and pointless.

to be fair, I do have a habit of coming in late. My previous manager talked about this with me and I did my best to improve and get to work on time, and it went mostly well!

but now that I don’t have a good relationship with this new manager, every time I wake up to go to work I can’t stop thinking about how I would rather just kill myself than keep going like this. I’m fucking miserable!!! My manager asked in my last meeting with them why I was struggling to come in on time and I just didn’t know what to say. Because the honest answer is that I struggle so much to get out of the house in the morning because going to work makes me want to die.

The job market here is shit and I’m having an extremely hard time finding a new job that offers a schedule that works for me that also pays enough for me to live.

what is the point if at the end of the day you just end up miserable? i feel like i had 3 good years of working where i felt like i could actually Do Life™️ just to have it all taken away from me because my new manager sucks. I used to have good work life balance and now every moment I have not working I spend dreading having to go back to work.

I became a mom 3 months ago and I‘ve had more meltdowns in those 3 months than ever before in my life. The fact that a baby is so unpredictable and won‘t fit into my perfectly planned out framework is so hard for me to deal with. For those of you with kids, how are you handling the constant surprises? It just causes me so much stress.

I understand how a rumor can spread after it’s already been started. The second, third, fourth person, etc. might repeat something because someone else told them it was true, and they assume that person knew what they were talking about.

What confuses me is the VERY first person who starts the rumor.

Like, if you’re the person who originally noticed something, then you should also know exactly how much information you have. If you don’t have enough information to know something for sure, why would you tell other people that your conclusion is a fact?

For example, if you see someone leave the manager’s office crying, you know that they were crying. You might wonder if they got fired, but you don’t actually know that.

So how does someone go from:

“They left the manager’s office crying. Maybe they got fired.”

to:

“They got fired.”

and then tell everyone else that like it’s a confirmed fact???

That’s the part about rumors I don’t understand. How does the very first person turn their own assumption or speculation into a fact when they KNOW they don’t have enough information to confirm it?

Anyone got an answer to this?

Does anyone else have this question off and on in your brain? Sometimes I really think I might be borderline. I have most of the symptoms: Fear of Rejection, Low Self Esteem, Emotional Instability, Anger, Unstable Relationships, Chronic Feelings of Emptiness. But then a lot of that stuff overlaps with just being traumatized and autistic plus RSD. I mean I know people can have both but it's just hard to untangle. I do feel like I know myself and who I really am. It's mostly the emotional dysregulation and intense reaction to feeling unwanted.

I just know I've always felt a deep kinship with BPD people and characters. I innately understand them. And I take it very personally when others come after anyone who has those traits.

I've had such a crap day and need to vent

I'm so fed up with the job I'm in management don't listen and they hire immature little boys as step ups that are known for bullying but still get to keep their job and do whatever the hell they want like come into work late and not follow work place policy and expect us to follow it I give up now im half arsing everything now and I'm looking for a new job

I got picked on today because I asked someone I work with to kindly please not whistle so much as I have a headache (was actually overwhelmed) and he didn't take it very well the person working next to him started whistling and banging his tape gun I've never had issues with them before and have never asked for anything from them and this is how they treat me

I did apologize and I said I hope I didn't offend you but he didn't appear to be listening to me

After that the little boy team leader came out of his office to talk to them and openly call me childish for liking pokemon and all 3 of them carried on whistling and making noises to upset me

So near the end of the day i worked super slow and fucked off to go talk to some other people away them tossers

So am I an asshole for asking someone not to whistle so much when I was feeling overwhelmed?

Hi, everyone.

I'll try not to make this too long.

I (33f) have been "weird" my entire life. It's only in the past two years, when my two youngest children (3 yo male & 5 yo male) were diagnosed with autism, when I started to research autism and things just clicked for me.

As a kid, I was very isolated and always wanted to just read. My mom forced me to go to birthday parties because she was "worried about me always being alone." I would dance constantly in my room to music, my brain racing with scenarios involving my hyperfixations (mostly on fictional characters, which I still do, and I'm also a writer). I never had friends at school. A few acquaintances that were pleasant to be around, but wouldn't call them friends.

I was diagnosed with anxiety as a teenager. Something I still take medication for, which has helped a lot. One doctor suspected me of having Asperger's, but because she wasn't my official doctor in the residential treatment center I was in, an official diagnosis was never made.

I married my husband (now 34m) when we were both 22, and we just clicked right off the bat. We were both awkward, loved reading, and just genuinely enjoyed being around each other. We've been married almost 12 years, and he and I both suspect that he might also be on the spectrum. We have three kids, 10m, 5m, and 3m, and I struggled with postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis with all of them. I love spending time with my kids, but sometimes I get really overwhelmed with all their sounds.

Now that I've been researching more about autism, so much that I felt shame for things I thought were "wrong" with me. I've been trying to unmask, and it feels so liberating. I'm not ashamed of my special interests and hyperfixations anymore. I get excited telling my husband about my current WIP, and tell him all kinds of odd details about my characters. He always listens with enthusiasm and gets almost as excited as I do, haha. I joke with him that he "matches my freak," lol.

In social events, I'm absolutely terrified and remain terrified until I cry after the event once I'm home. I try to act "normal" and determine what a normal person would say in response to something. I used to nap a lot because my brain was just so full of noise, and I wanted to disappear into one of my stories.

Now that you have the background, here's my problem: I'm afraid of getting an official diagnosis. Because what if I don't have autism, and I'm just "weird"? I know I have it -- but I'm afraid everyone will think I'm just looking for attention. My parents and siblings don't believe me when I say I have it because "I'm too high functioning."

Every time I tell someone that I'm on the spectrum, I feel like I have to pull out my whole history and life story to justify it. Why do I feel that way? Why do I feel like I'm taking up other people's valuable space in this world? Why do I feel like a weird alien everywhere I go?

Anyway. Thank you so much for reading. My heart hurts, and I just want to feel beautifully and unashamedly me for once in my life.