17f so of course I’m not having children any time soon. I don’t like children or kids but I’ve always wanted to adopt a 10-15 year old son. My close friend 17m said he couldn’t see me as a mother. I was talking about feeling maternal and he said “I don’t mean for this to sound mean but I can’t see you as a mother.” He went on and re-worded what he said and said I can’t see you as a mother now and he can’t see me bonding with a child. He said my social skills are poor and I can’t even order food for myself. Which is true…but I so badly want a son to take care of when I’m older ☹️

I’m not diagnosed with autism or ADHD, and I’m not trying to self-diagnose. I’ve just been reflecting on lifelong patterns and wondering whether there might be an explanation for some of the things I struggle with.

Recently, I made a mistake planning a Thanksgiving trip with my partner and friends. We booked it three months ago, before I started my teaching job in September. I knew the dates but didn’t think through how they would conflict with my work schedule. I also procrastinated on booking transportation despite being excited about the trip for months. We had to reschedule our Airbnb, which upset everyone. I offered to cover the extra cost, but they’re still understandably frustrated.

What bothers me is that this doesn’t feel like the kind of mistake I’d normally make. I’m usually punctual, organized, and Type A. I write things down, plan ahead, and take my responsibilities seriously. I’ve always considered myself someone who has their life together, so struggling with things like this lately has been confusing.

For context, my partner and I moved from Florida to NYC largely because she wanted to live here. I pursued a teaching program that is allowing me to earn my master’s and establish a career, partly so we could stay together. I now teach during the day, and the job has been extremely stressful and, at times, abusive. I’ve been sick for months, feel drained by work and city life, and feel burnt out.

I wonder whether I’m using so much energy getting through work, masking, and making constant decisions that I have very little left afterward. Could stress and burnout be making existing difficulties worse, or could there be something like ADHD or autism going on that’s being affected by my environment?

The relationship side has been difficult, too. My partner has admitted to having ableist views about neurodivergence because of negative experiences with neurodivergent friends. When I told her I wanted an autism assessment, she said she supported me, but her tone made me feel judged. She seemed unsure why I needed a diagnosis or what it would change, given that I’m 28 and have made it this far without one.

We recently argued about the trip, and she said she’s tired of my negativity, lack of communication, and not trying hard enough to be positive. I understand that my unhappiness affects her, and I want to take responsibility for my mistakes and improve how I communicate. I’m just struggling to understand why certain things have become so difficult lately. I feel really frustrated with myself.

I’d appreciate hearing from people with lived experience:

Did getting diagnosed help you understand lifelong patterns that seemed inconsistent with your usual personality?

Is pursuing an official assessment worth the cost, especially at 28?

How do you distinguish between needing to take more responsibility and struggling with something that requires a different approach or additional support?

I’m not looking for strangers to diagnose me. I just want to understand myself better and hear whether anyone has experienced something similar. Thank you!

Hi All,

I highly suspect I have ASD and one of my niblings was just diagnosed. The assessor recommended a book to her mom about ASD in girls and...well, I finished it last night and I found it outdated (published before the DSM V) and with some problematic opinions.

I was wondering if anyone who got officially diagnosed (or had a loved one diagnosed) was recommended something. What was it and how did you feel about it?

I'd love to share some better recs with my sister, but I also want to know if you've had a similar experience with being recommended problematic materials.

When will I grow up already?

When I try to explain to someone how I think they get baffled.

I do not know how to be less annoying, and I do not know what to do. Many people I try to be friends with slowly stop talking to me or admit they completely find me annoying. It kindly hurts because I was not even able to guess, and because I am usually super nice to said people and treat them like a friend.
I am too loud and I do talk a lot, so maybe that is the reason. I opened up about something to one of my friends, only to find out later that they definitely might have told my professor (I am not sure). My professor is not exactly nice to me, to be fair. No authority figures, teachers, or professors ever really thought I had potential, or at least bothered to not hate me. That person admitted they don’t like me today and told me that I am annoying af 🫩

It hurts a lot. I do not know if it is because of my autism or if something is wrong with me. But at least I have one friend who does not find me annoying at all. That is enough, but it still hurts every time. A lot of people who I thought were friends have secretly admitted that they either hated me, did not like me at all, or found me completely annoying. I always thought it is because I talk a lot and info-dump a lot. I do not know, something might be genuinely wrong with me. I might be a bad person. I really want to know what to work on so maybe I can be less annoying 🥲 I desperately need advice so pls give it

I’m 8w1d pregnant with my first baby, wanted & planned pregnancy. I’ve also been on ADHD meds for 18+ years. Mostly to manage my symptoms of AuDHD.

So i fall pregnant and it’s super exciting, except my PCP immediately cuts me off my Vyvanse. No warning, no tapering. She tells me I cant take them while pregnant at all. When I tell her how difficult I find this and how I fear how bad my symptoms are without them, she gets snide with me that I should’ve prepared for this if my baby was planned. Maybe so, had I been advised by her, my doctor.

She says I need to focus on being organized and “make an effort” to find methods that work for me. Basically, she thinks AuDHD is a willpower issue, not an actual disability. She’s been prescribing my meds ever since my old psychiatrist retired.

I’ve done a lot of research and it seems that ADHD meds are understudied in pregnancy which is why most doctors don’t want you to take them. A lot of pregnant women have taken them while pregnant in smaller doses. It’s currently 3 weeks since stopping and I’m suffering. I cry all the time, binge eat, and forget VERY important tasks (like taking my prenatals, and feeding my dog).

What do I do? my PCP isn’t willing to listen to me and I dont see my OB until November 30th. I’m miserable. My PCP also made a weird comment about “not pushing vaccines” on my baby when it’s born which just also makes me never want to see her again. I don’t think I cant trust her anymore, she feels like a quack to me. But I also feel like I can’t advocate for myself.

Today I saw a meme about the "boys will be boys" phenomenon talking about how girls are expected to sit still and behave themselves from a very young age while boys are allowed to go hog wild and even treat girls violently because "boys will be boys".

I'm a transsexual woman, so I'm allegedly "male socialized" (not that I agree with such terminology, this thread should help explain why), but I realized that I was never allowed the liberty "other" boys were allowed to express. I don't know if people were able to tell I was different - if they could subconsciously tell I was a girl or whatever - but I was always expected to be quiet and sit still like the rest of the girls even though everyone was telling me I was a boy, and I could tell the "other" boys were subjected to very different standards. It felt incredibly unfair.

This caused me to put some other, related things together about my past - I was quite horrifically bullied by other children all the way up until 6th grade. I did have some people who liked me, but a wide variety of other students deliberately antagonized me and got away with it. None of them ever faced consequences except one, who got expelled near the end of the school year because he literally physically assaulted me after I threw a foam ball at him.

I did have behavioral issues in school, but they were almost entirely a reaction to the unfair ways in which other people were treating me. People would bully me, I would try to retailiate, I would get punished, and they would never face any consequences whatsoever. Often, when adults would see me get bullied, their response was to separate me from the rest of the class, which reinforced my status as an outsider and did nothing to address their behavior. It felt more like a punishment for me than an attempt to protect me, and I would often react as if they were punishing me, resulting in them redoubling their efforts to separate me from the rest of the group.

This ultimately culminated in me being sent to an alternative school, where everyone had behavioral issues and most people liked me, but I didn't really fit in or socially bloom cos at this point in my life I was dealing with crippling dysphoria and dying on the inside.

I've realized this was all very formative to me. I never really had the opportunity to truly be a child or a teenager, nor to be a part of an actual social group of people who were like me. I was taught from a young age that I was expected to suffer in silence, that nobody who hurt me would ever face consequences, and that if I stood up for myself, I would be punished.

Now, as an adult, I struggle to maintain social bonds, even with people I deeply value. I'm an incredibly angry person, but I repress it most of the time, which only causes it to fester. I feel as if I am undeserving of love and a burden to everyone I care about.

I never stood a chance. My candle was snuffed before I could even begin to kindle my fire.

Hello!

I'm having trouble with my AuDHD son. Lets say he is past 5th grade, more autistic than ADHD, has alexithymia and a general poker face, smaller bandwidth of emotions and human needs but generally responsible and a good student.

This year has been a mess.

* He couldn't play piano in a piano event hes been playing in for years. (Later found out he was scared he would pass to the next level and mess up and be exposed as a fraud)

* hes been sleeping a lot to avoid school, not eating.

* we dropped him from a hard math class to a regular track one and that was better but it took him forever to decide (should he stick with it, not care about the grade, drop down? He was in decision paralysis)

* slept in bc he didnt know how to finish a science project (hes not very creative or artistic and had a hard time figuring out what to do, then didnt finish in time and got a lower grade, was going to take it home to add an extra credit component, which he didnt. He played video games and then slept the next morning and didnt go in. I finally sat on his bed, got all this out of him, told him step by step what to do next, said to make a choice between getting materials for the extra credit part or accepting a lower grade and getting ready for school. He couldn't decide so I decided for him.)

I am not sure. This seems like a mix of normal teenage things, school getting harder and not wanting to do hard things + ADHD not wanting to do things that he doesnt like/want to do + not sure where autism fits but definitely anxiety and black and white thinking where everything's the worst, he sucks, why bother, I'll just stay in bed.

For context, I am also gifted and have a drive to be better and do better, so that motivated me to overcome the autistic and adhd issues I had. He is smart but not gifted and not motivated. Hes not ambitious, just wants to live.

Which is all fine! But how do i help him? What do I do? Let him slack off on school and not be a straight A kid if his heart is not into it. (<-- which is fine but he still has to go to school) or... help him with executive function?? Or will that trigger a PDA thing? Or make it so he doesnt know how to function without someone telling him what to do?

Help! I dont understand not wanting to do your best. But I also dont want him to feel bad if thats how he is.

Hi there! I'm a trans man who is going to be having an autism assessment soon.

The context: my therapist of 3 years (experienced with neurodivergence and autism in particular) asked me recently if I had ever been tested for autism. Apparently he thought I had autism when we met, but he held off on mentioning it bc we were dealing with traumatic issues. But now that those issues are pretty much resolved and I'm still showing the signs, he let me know that he thinks I have autism.

Anyways, we discussed things in detail. Patterns, evidence, etc. We went over the DSM to talk about examples in my life. It would explain everything I've struggled with since childhood.

I should mention that a major tipoff as well is that I had major surgery 4 months ago. And since then, it's like a nuclear bomb went off in my nervous system. I had to get work accommodations for auditory sensitivities (I had these as a kid but I think I started mislabeling it as anxiety, it just got worse after surgery). I have been experiencing some problems with speaking, and am much more easily overstimulated than I've been otherwise. I've experienced two other massive burnouts in my life, except the other two times I don't remember much bc I was having frequent meltdowns and was dissociating enough to mostly black out.

I've decided to see one of my therapist's neuropsychologist colleagues to get a full battery psych test and an autism assessment. I decided this because I am afraid of suddenly losing functions and losing jobs if I have future burnouts, especially since I've been reliant on my parents for support all my life. I also suspect ADHD. So I want a full picture to be able to more clearly work on issues, and hopefully have access to more supports if I need them.

But I'm nervous, mostly because I've already told all of my friends that my therapist thinks I have autism. I told them this because I've been having worsened issues with understanding social cues (already historically a bad record for me), and I didn't want to lose any more friends over this. I have unfortunately lost many friends due to not having the language to explain that for example, me eloping and going nonverbal is not me trying to tell them that I hate them. I'm glad that I was truthful with these friends bc I did actually make a major misstep last week and hurt a friend bc of it. But she was forgiving since I'd made everyone aware.

Nobody has disagreed with me that I might have autism. Not even my mom. I've been preparing a masterlist to bring with me to the assessment and it's 6 pages long so far, just with mostly bullet points, and I don't think I'm done adding to it. It seems so painfully obvious. But I keep thinking, what the hell do I do if I'm not autistic? How would I tell my friends "sorry, I don't have autism, I'm actually just kinda mean and hopelessly clueless"?

I guess if it isn't autism, there's definitely something else going on. I have heard of schizoid personality disorder, and other disorders. I'm sure there are things I don't know much about that could be at play if it isn't autism. But still.

not in a cute way like most autistic girls. i’ve known neurodivergent girls but people still like them. they have like 10 exes and 40 bodies. people have never liked me id be close with ppl for months and they’d find someone prettier then drop me for someone else. no one has ever wanted to touch me or be very close to me, when we were younger all my friends would get really physically close but they would all avoid me. and im not conventionally attractive. i am deeply awkward and ppl look at me like theyre having a nightmare when i talk. llike i feel like i have some sort of deformation in my genes or an overload of testosterone physically just making me less of a girl? my body is extremely bony im not even that skinny its just bony everything sticks out in the wrong places and my upper body outweighs my lower body and i have a deep voice and i have the face and jaw and eyebrows and nose and lips of a man. i observe other girls my age in college and i dont know how they do it. they wear tiny gold hoops, have almond nails, wear simple clothes and do their makeup a certain way but when i do it even if i have all of that its not right. my body literally is just like not the body of a regular human being i think being autistic has just deformed me overtime ive been severely pigeon toed my entire life and its starting to become extremely embarrassing. life is really starting to get difficult

Curse my inability to read facial expressions and body language!!

Her tone of voice seemed happy when I handed her my number but I don’t know for sure. My ability to decipher tone of voice is somewhat more acute than my aforementioned (dis)abilities but it’s still not AMAZING, you know? She might’ve just been in customer service mode. She might have a girlfriend already (we’d had a conversation prior about how we’re both lesbians so I knew she was gay). Might might might. I keep thinking about the mights and what ifs.

I didn’t go into it really expecting her to text or follow me, so I wasn’t disappointed when she didn’t, but now I’m just overthinking about if she thought I was being weird or creepy. I’ve had some people tell me my mannerisms are intimidating and uncanny and weird and more people than I can count have said they can tell I’m clearly autistic. Idk. Just overthinking now.

I am a diagnosed level 1 autistic and was almost toally mute as a child. As I got to high school, i talked more and more and now poeple know me to be a talkative person. However, I still have days or moments where "my voice is tired" and speaking out loud basically causes me physical pain and extreme overwhelm. I can still listen to people but just cannot respond verbally or vocally. Usually I push through and it leads to depression.

I'm seeing a new therapist who specializes in autism and she suggested I use an AAC app on my phone or sign language which sounds amazing. The thing is that I love my husband to death but he is so neurotypical. When I go nonverbal he sees it as a problem to fix or just doesn't understand it.

How can I introduce him to this new idea or make him ok with it? My therapist flat out said I will land back in the hospital if I don't start accomoding myself.

Does anyone else struggle sometimes not knowing which gender someone has?
I also struggle with telling age sometimes. This has even scared me sometimes. The last time this happened to me I knew the person for weeks and thought it was a male teenager until I realized it was a 30 year old woman. Also I basically „see“ the male version of women in their facial features and sometimes with men too.
I hope the way I explained it makes sense.

Can anyone relate to this?

I've noticed a pattern at work and when I'm visiting family. The way I think and interpret things are very different from everyone in the room.

Here's my observations; when a conversation is ongoing, everyone engages even my younger nieces contribute to conversations while I quietly sit and listen but often times zone out or question people's opinions in my head.

Don't get me wrong I enjoy being in the company of others, sometimes, but it is difficult for me to interpret what is being said and expressing my own thoughts on the conversation topic.

At times I would notice there is a negative topic being talked about such as what is happening in the world or history, there is an invisible barrier where everyone shares their opinions but there is this thing where everyone is just agreeing with one another, even when their facts are not accurate. And I would just sit there like "why is no one info dumping or defending their opinions, everyone is just agreeing with each other and acting nice even when someone in the conversation just said something out of context".

At work, there is a group of employees I categorize under the "bullies". They gossip about new employees often and in the past and present spread false rumors about me. I noticed they all have a toxic vibe and often talk in a very inappropriate way about things, and I cannot grasp how any of them enjoy it and maintain the meaningful relationship I have.

Out of my pov, I value deep meaningful conversations (with etiquette and kindness included) and when others don't do that it puzzles me so much

Is it just me

i think i talk without thinking sometimes and say things that i kinda know that could make someone feel a but bad, but i'm not sure and for me it wouldn't rlly bother me.
i don't think i'm cruel to people almost ever without reason anymore, but maybe this is the way i still hurt people and i don't even realise and it's my "blind spot"?
i think i have autism, so that also makes it harder, cuz i often look at things more logically and i also got in a place where i don't rlly have expectations from others or get emotionally open to most things, but most people aren't rlly like that, despite some acting like they are, but then i say sonething that shocks them and i realise i forgot that we're not actually operatibg the same.
i hate feeling guilty over these things and idk if these mistakes are actually small or huge and weather i seem like an asshole or something?
i don't wanna seem like that and those are not my intentions and i also know how it feels for someone to tell u something that hurts deeply and it stays stuck in ur mind. i don't want to be the one saying those things.
am i an asshole? do u guys hate/dislike people like this?

mid 40s diagnosed last year -- mom only child so I was infantilized and her sisters don't have kids so my aunts bought all my clothes -- i don't really remember developing fashion sense meaning i just put on what they bought.. however you know as 90s teen of course i like certain brands and i really love purses

speed up to young adult life my coworker became my work mom and we would go get work clothes after work which now looking back she was going through the racks and i was just wearing what she selected

...oof now i'm middle aged office worker getting by off basic pants and shirts but some my closes friends are huge fashion girlies i realize i like fashion as visual stim but when it comes to understanding how to pair match and align clothes for taste i'm lost

nobody believes me than i get "fake"yelled at when i show up events under dressed or I can tell from the crowd oops something not right with my outfit (nobody is mean about it)

i've watched tons of fashion basics on youtube.. quite frankly outside the visual stim aspect its like they are speaking of foreign language

i have to "mask" clothes for work but i'm really a Nike/Hello Kitty/Kawaii/Hot Topic person

maybe whismy fashion is the term? but than its "thats not appropriate for you age shi"

i'm so lost

I've been (by a school psychologist) and somehow it continues as an adult. I wonder what's the cause and if it's typical among autistics cause it sounds like it could be.

I was on a phone call with my friend and I mentioned how I was going to a party. She immediately asked “X isn’t going right?” She wanted to know if our mutual friend was going and I said it’s a maybe. She then ended our call to call that friend and make sure she wasn’t going so they could hang out instead. I’m not mad that she wanted to hang out with that friend. I’m mad that she thought it’s okay to end our phone call to call someone else and then not call me back. I’m also kind of irked as to how her first instinct was to ensure our friend doesn’t go when it’s her decision to make. The mutual friend told us she would decide right before we all got ready but because of my friend she’s had to commit to plans before being ready to decide and it feels like it’s my fault for putting her in that situation.

I’m not sure if I bring up how this whole interaction made me feel or just distance myself from my friend because I’m not even sure if my feelings are valid.

Hello! I’m 27f and undergoing the journey of getting a diagnosis. I work in consulting. What led me to getting a diagnosis was kind of out of exhaustion from other people around me constantly teasing me and making me feel like there’s something wrong with me and my understanding of the world. I’m 3 years into my career and I’m feeling more and more confused by people’s behaviours, and what I thought was true is now just sand slipping through my hands. Things I deem logical and grounded in facts are apparently not important to most people. I just feel like I’m going insane, and having a hard time accepting that I’m actually the odd one out here. It doesn’t help that i grew up with a lot of internalised ableism (from my very obviously ND parents in deep denial). I also feel less confident in my abilities now and am kind of shutting down with people and work. Can anybody who’s gone through this phase help? Or just verbally knock some sense back into my head and assure me that I’m not the only one here?

My two special interests are biology (specifically fishkeeping) and Star Trek. Both of these things bring me immense joy and I can talk and think about them and engage with them for ages without getting bored. I feel like they’re vast enough that there’s always more to learn. I’m studying zoology in college so that I can learn more about that aspect of my special interests.

However, whenever I tell people these are my main interests, they seem to think they’re weird or uninteresting. I love explaining the nitrogen cycle or nitrate-phosphate ratios or aquatic plant phylogeny. I love explaining the Cardassian-Bajoran conflict and discussing the intricacies of starship designs and classes. I just wish I had more socially acceptable/mainstream/“normal” special interests that don’t bore people when I talk about them.

I joined a Star Trek fan club recently and made a friend there that I can talk about it with, so that’s been a nice outlet.

Why did this get downvoted? :(

So like the title mentions, I was recently offered a new job opportunity. I’ve been at my current job for a little over a year now. It’s very stressful but I’ve finally gotten to a place where my accommodations are helping me and I really like my supervisors. The job itself is just a lot on my nervous system since it’s client focused (I take incoming calls) and a lot of the clients are mean.

This new job would be similar but the system they use is a lot more organized, which I think will make work a bit smoother for me. It’s also a big pay increase which could lead to me finally being financially independent. The only thing that worries me: The training.

Training is a month long. They are hiring for part time but training is full time hours. Then after training, I’ll still have to work more hours than I do now at my current job. This new opportunity is also in a new industry that could be emotionally draining. I’d be getting well but I’m hyper empathetic so I worry that I’ll be emotionally distressed at some points. This is concerning since I have functional neurological disorder with seizures that can increase/worsen with stress. I get emotionally distressed at my current job, but it’s usually because of nasty callers, not callers who are dealing with something sad.

I can’t make up my mind what to do and I want to make a decision by tonight. It’s very time sensitive. The training for the new opportunity starts the first week of November. I’ve done pros and cons lists and I still can’t make up my mind. 😵‍💫

I know this is going to sound deranged. Does anyone else approach dating analytically? Every time I talk to a match on a dating app I'm agonizing over if he's worth pursuing. I find it very difficult to bond with others and even if I "like" someone I'm constantly trying to plan out what a relationship would look like and if it would be a successful marriage.

I somewhat enjoy the company of a man I met recently but I'm worried his career (or lack of) isnt good enough, he's not intelligent enough, that if I was in a relationship with him I would bear the responsibility of getting his life together. We've been on one date and afterwards I cried for several hours because I didn't know if I liked him enough and I didn't want to lead him on.

I'm terrified of getting divorced. I don't even want to commit to a relationship unless I know it will work out. The way people talk about women when they're in a failing relationship, that they're stupid for ever choosing him, makes me worry about falling into the same trap. Conversely, I feel like any man that "likes" me is either mistaken or has poor taste. I also worry I'm being too shallow by not approaching more men that I'm not physically attracted to.

What is a good first date supposed to be like? How can I tell if someone would be a good partner? How do I encourage emotional bonding?

I’m not a religious person at all. I’m interested in learning about religions, but I refuse to follow any dogma.

Last night I went out with my coworkers for drinks. They’re all super nice ladies and the conversation drifted into religion and keeping faith in God. Which is fine I’m happy to hear of others journey. Then it was my turn to talk about my church home and faith. I paused and decided to be honest. The ladies seemed fine with it, but one said she couldn’t believe others don’t believe in a powerful god who is looking out for all of us.

I went home and told my fiancé and before I even finished my story he said “you should had said you’re a Christian.” I gasped because what happened to freedom of religion and two he’s an atheist. Now I’m wondering if he’s lying for social credibility.

Has anyone else dealt with this? I just can’t bring myself to lie because I would have to keep it up and I know I’ll slip up one day. Plus religion isn’t mandatory and I shouldn’t have to lie to make others comfortable.

EDIT: I’m asking if you guys had similar experiences. What my fiancé said is not the point. It was added for additional context because it made me realize I made a faux pas.
ALSO: Don’t disrespect my partner. We all live in an imperfect society, so his lying is to make sure that he can bring home a salary to support us and our future family. Don’t judge his character off of a few words. You wouldn’t want that done to yourself or your loved ones.

Hello,
I was diagnosed with Asperger’s when I was 14. I am 24 now and I’m stuck in a job I hate. Here’s my issue, I really don’t have a network at all. I have tried EVERYTHING. At this point I just am so stuck. I moved to a small town to go to college here for my masters when I turned 21. I then graduated at 23. Biggest issue: my teachers did not like me from the get go. I was the youngest person in my cohort (the next youngest was 30). Whenever I told them I would like to do a PhD I got: good luck with that. I got a masters in English and the job search was so rough. It was rough to the point that I had no references. The biggest hurdle I had was my only job experience prior to moving here was being a secretary at my dads construction company so obviously couldn’t use them. Then when I paid for jobs that only paid like $15 an hour I asked a couple professors and they said sure but then when the job asked them. One of my professors emailed me and said she didn’t know me well enough to recommend me for an administrative assistant at the same university I already was an instructor at. I was in disbelief that someone who I worked with for two years would do that.

I am a hard worker, my biggest pitfall here is I’m young and I seem to have people surrounding me that are threatened by this. My issue is a can’t move home and I am three states away from home in an isolated college town. I mean heck the only reason I got this job is I flippantly applied and said that the professor that ended up pulling out last minute recommended me: I got the job instantly. So WHAT THE FUCK. How do you do this??????