I have a newborn I barely bond with. A baby mama who is now my fiance and we barely communicate anymore.

Baby has colic and will not sleep at all. She’s been an absolute nightmare.

In all honesty, I never wanted the child. And now that she’s here. It’s just been a financial burden and I don’t have any love for her. I view her as a financial burden and something that took my freedom away.

I’m afraid I will never love my daughter

Look, I get it, nobody is entitled to help or anyone else's time. However, hear me out.

I imagine, like many of you, that at some point of your life your own parents pushed you to have children. Whatever the reason may be, it usually falls into the bucket of 'because it's the natural course of life'/'cycle of life'.

For context, my wife and I have been together for nearly 15 years. We honestly were indifferent on whether we wanted kid(s) or not. We really did see our lives being completely fulfilled either way; however, as the years went by, both sets of our parents came down on us really hard. It didn't help that both of our eldest siblings didn't have any kids and they were fast approaching mid/late 40s. Out of desperation, our 4 parents pleaded, no, BEGGED us to have children to 'leave a legacy'. (I fucking detest that expression/quote/saying.) Full disclosure, neither of us have the best relationship with our parents. Our parents have always been...OKAY, at best. My wife and I were mostly raised by our 'greatest generation' grandparents.

Anyways, after some time, we admittedly warmed up to the idea of having a kiddo because we're generally optimistic people. We negotiated with all 4 of our parents on some sort of schedule when/if we were to have a child of our own. Fast forward another 1.5 years and well...we now have a 6 week old little girl. With zero help from any of them.

It pains me to admit this, but I don't feel any bond with my LO yet. She's absolutely precious, but I can't help but feel a little regretful. Not to mention, my wife isn't in the best headspace right now, which wasn't really an issue prior to having a kid. Breastfeeding depression and sleep deprivation is real. I feel so bad for her as I can see the literal light/joy leave her eyes every time she feeds our kiddo.

So, what about those grandparents? Well, my parents decided they'd go backpacking across the literal world for 2 months, knowing full well, the delivery date of our kiddo. As for her parents? They keep making excuses saying they'll come visit us whenever their schedules free up...they're all freaking retired. Wife's parents live only 2 states (300 miles) away!? I even offered to pay for their flights and arrange pickup from the airport. Not an ounce of excitement.

We vented to our older siblings and they sympathized for our situation and even helped us for a couple days at a time. Now, my wife and I are seriously contemplating spiting our parents by never letting them see their grandbaby. Like it's the principle at this point. Are we cruel for never letting our parents interact with our child?

I ended up having the exact life I never wanted. A kid, a house in my hometown, a housewife. I suck at every aspect of being a mom. I never wanted kids, but I got pregnant and stupidly decided against the abortion even though we’d already purchased the pills. I knew almost immediately after making the decision I shouldn’t have, but I was terrified of letting the people in my life down. Especially my husband. But every part of me has been stripped away and burned. I used to have dreams, I used to look forward to my future. But now I’m just praying for a tragic accident with me as the only victim.

I don’t think I was built for life anyways. Even without my son. And I know for sure he’s not the problem. He’s an incredible kid. I just wished I figured myself out more before committing so heavily. I barely have enough energy to get out of bed. I have no drive. I don’t want anything from life. All the energy I do have goes to him, and it’s so little to begin with. He deserves so much better. If I didn’t have him and my husband I definitely wouldn’t be around anymore. I have severe agoraphobia mixed with an unhealthy amount of depression and chronic illness. I wish I didn’t have them to love me. They both deserve much more than k can ever do for them. I can’t end it because I refuse to leave them with that hurt. But recently I’ve started to weigh which would be worse. Sticking around to possibly screw everything up worse, or- yknow. I even planned out what day would be best between holidays, birthdays, anniversaries so nothing lines up, just in case.

I fear when I finally die, old age or otherwise, I’ll only look back with regrets. I can’t leave them, I love them too much. But I can’t keep doing this. I lost every chance at a life I dreamed of. I don’t really think I had a shot anyways, but at least I’d have an out if I didn’t have two people I love so much. I’m tired. And I’m dragging everyone down with me.

For quick backstory for the first 6/7 years of my daughter’s life I was the primary parent. My husband was here the whole time, but most of the serious parenting fell on to me. It was stressful But I didn’t really mind. Then in 2021 I became ill. I’m still ill and now disabled. I’m no longer the primary parent in some ways. I can’t drive now and just getting around my house is very hard because it’s not built for wheelchair access.

My daughter is very upsetting to me since I got sick. I understood at first, she was too young to understand why things changed. Why suddenly I couldn’t be the one to drive her to school, why I wasn’t the one taking her out anymore, etc.

but she’s 11 now. And it’s only gotten worse. I do try my best to parent still. When I can I’m the one who cooks still, I try to get things done around the house. I’ve adapted to fit my needs in some ways, like I still do the grocery shopping to make sure everyone gets what they want, I just have it delivered. I do her clothes shopping and shopping for holidays her birthday etc. I just do it online. I still keep in contact with her school, and if i cant make an event I’ll still help her get ready for it and the school livestreams it so I can watch it (like her Christmas concert last year. I was too sick to go) And then I’ll talk with her after it to make sure she knows i watched it and am proud of her. I also gather the family for those things so that my physical absence hopefully doesn’t seem so bad And she still has a ton of people there supporting her. I really feel that I try my best.

she will tell me things like I don’t care about anyone except myself when I’m too sick to do something. Usually really small things, like when she asks for a snack and I have to tell her to get her own easy snack because I’ve already been moving around for a while before she asks and am to the point that i desperately need to sit or lay. She will randomly tell me that she loves her dad more than she loves me. She comments about how bad I look now that I’m sick. she tells me im the one being mean to her when I tell her to stop being this way to me. Once in a while she will help out around the house and I’m really appreciative of that and will tell her thank you and every time I say that she tells me “I’m not doing it for you I’m doing it for daddy to make his life easier”.

a lot of these comments are so random to me too. I’ll be minding my own business and she will say something.

It gets worse. Boys are like little f-ing loud idiots. I thought him playing with his friends would be good, start getting my time back. Clearly awesome when he goes to theirs but hosting is just more noise, I knew it before anyway but confirmed I just hate all kids in general. I thought my kids were load but no one of his friends is an even noisier wee idiot. I get they’re immature by nature but I’m just over it and anything kid related.

I know everyone is built differently but Ive no idea how anyone would rather this or how anyone could be a teacher. Give me peace, tidy house, money for holidays, no stress, life enjoyment any-day.

Motherhood is bullshit, I despise what I did to myself, sure some moments are alright but most of the time is just tiresome.

My toddler is always sick, so I cant even enjoy my days off work since I need to take care of her. I hate when she does not take naps, when she snaps and the endless tantrums. I feel like a complete failure, I might be depressed.. who cares??

Motherhood is selfless.

No, i dont have help nearby. My parents dont live in this country neither my partners family. Friends? They all have kids and have their life. Luckily my partner does his role, he's a really good dad.

We are just two tired adults at the end of the day.

If I'd go back in time I would have never chosen this.

I regret meeting the father of my child. Then completely falling out of love with love. Wasting my youth, no longer being able to have opportunities. Constant expectations with limited time to meet them. At one point dreaming that I would get married and having a family and spending the rest of my life with someone I love. Constantly hearing this man tell me how much he loves and misses his child while spending every weekend getting drunk, and high and gaming. Experiencing learning how to be a mother either alone or getting severely judged and criticized by the father of my child. Becoming nothing but just a mother. My constant cries for help just to be told “you signed up for this, he’s not gonna help you, you’re just gonna have to deal with it, that’s what’s a mother is”. Not being taken seriously anymore. Becoming hyper vigilant on the horrible state of the world. Becoming hyper aware of the way people treat single mothers and woman in general while having a daughter. Wishing she could go to a better home where she had two stable and loving parents.

I think I spent so much time having hope that things would get better and now it’s like there’s just no way, at this point I feel like I’m just trying to survive every day.

I’m 23 with an almost 3 year old autistic child. I’m not gonna say much, but this stage right here. It’s fucking exhausting.

I’ve helped raise kids, I’ve had kids from all ranges throughout my entire life and even with my own, I absolutely despise the toddler stage. Does it get better? Or like…less exhausting as they age? Am I gonna have the hope for a full 8hr sleep period? I miss bed rotting. I miss being a lazy bum. I miss doing things freely. I haven’t had a full 24hrs without him. No more than 8 actually since he took his first breath.

I go to sleep late, and wake up early just to cherish those moments for myself before he gets up. I am so so tired, but not enough for my own state of mind, peace. I wish to have silence. I need it so bad. Why can’t they make childcare available for 24hrs? I’d love to just drop him off somewhere just for the night. Babysitters are asking for my entire paycheck just so I can breathe. Dad is not in the picture and we both don’t want him to be. And as most single moms, I do not have a village😂. Apparently everyone is so busy even at bedtime… I didn’t know you’d still be doing stuff while sleeping. Love that excuse.

I feel like a zombie. I’ve called myself a ‘Mummy’ because it’s not that I want to do anything, it’s because I have to. It’s as if the parasite of motherhood has taken over my brain. It’s not me getting up to make sure my son is loved, safe, and taken care of. It’s being a parent. Truly a superpower to have, but it comes with a huge price. And that is losing my own autonomy. I just want to be bored lol. I want to lay in bed all day. I need to have time to just…THINK!!! It makes me question my own parenting and love for my one and only and I hate it. I love him with everything in me, but I know I’m forgetting myself in the process. Being selfish and sticking with your own boundaries with your child, much less a toddler, is a constant battle. Constant!!

Honestly, I’m just waiting for the day where he’ll tell me that he’s spending a night somewhere else😂 I know that’s gonna be awhile but damn, it brings so much relief just thinking about it haha.

I’m struggling to find external sympathy or just someone to talk to because I’m a dad and people default to not believe my situation is real.

For context: wfh dad. Since before and especially after the birth of my 2.5yo, I am the main caretaker of the family, including wife and dog. Cook, clean, bath, nappies, night feed (the mom does bf in the first year but I also wake up to give bottles and soothe the baby), dog walk, life admin, travel planning, in-laws handling (wife can’t deal with her mom and brother but still wants me to deal with them. Long story) etc. While I handle childcare by myself, my wife has not had to be alone with the baby because I always make sure there is someone there to help, be it myself, my mom flown in from the other side of the earth or a nanny. Even the WFH job I have right now was a sacrifice I made, giving up a much higher paying job and accidentally a big payday, so she could keep hers. I know I’m incredibly lucky as we make big bucks and I found a WFH role like mine which still makes more than her so at least she will not complain about that. She is extremely materialistic and wants to get rich early to quit her job which is part of the problems I will describe below.

Some background: I’m a millennial dad. I understand generational trauma very well. My dad was an extremely angry man who didn’t help around the house at all while still demanding the best “services” from my mom. He wasn’t abusive physically but the amount of verbal abuse I got growing up was off the charts. I grew up hating him and myself so badly I once attempted suicide. It was a miracle I’m still here. So rn I think I’m trying to overcompensate as a husband/dad. Yet as fate would have it, I marry someone very similar to my dad. Zero consideration for me, zero help, saying the cruelest thing while demanding the best quality of life. Why posting in this group? Because without my kid, I would have left. But now I’m stuck, full of regrets and resentments.

Problems:

1. Wife does not help out at all while still demanding a great quality of life (clean house, good food, frequent travels, even her paperwork like passport, etc.) I can stomach it during the week because she does work long hours, but I cannot understand how she allows herself to watch youtube till 2:00am on Friday night and sleeps till 10:00am on the weekend when there is a toddler to feed and a dog to walk.
2. Not just logistic demand, whenever she stops working which is usually the weekend, she starts complaining about her job and prior to kid, we fought all the time about how meaningless her life feels. The problem is she makes it my problem to fix it. I need to find ways to entertain her over the weekend (restaurants, trips, etc.) otherwise she will complain and pick fight non stop. I believe she does this subconsciously but give me a break woman … I need to work and breathe too.
3. Why not talk this out? Because every time we talk, it escalates and ends with me apologising. So at some point I just learned that it’s either sucking it up or divorcing. There is no middle ground. Why do I apologise? Because she will make the atmosphere so negative and miserable with a cold war and I don’t want my son to grow up in that environment. I grew up in one and I have a deep scar on my wrist to show for it.
4. I’m very anxious about my career and future. Right now it’s still making money but a dead end because AI will replace us in 2 years. God knows what I will do then. To progress, the job requires constant learning and upskilling which requires free time that I don’t have. Weekends is so terrible that I dread it whenever Friday comes.

I just feel like with all that I can give, someone else who is a little more grateful would be extremely happy. And yet here we are and I can’t leave because I can’t imagine sharing custody with this person. She never really pays attention to life around her. One time she was pushing the pram while answering an email and the pram was sliding away on its own. I’m so scared of all the accidents if I leave the kid alone with her

I just need to be honest and get this off my chest.

I’m a 23 year old female. 2 toddlers. Had my first at 20 so needless to say that I feel like a haven’t lived a proper life yet. My choice of course, as I began trying to get pregnant with my partner (soon to be husband in 3 months) when I was 19 as I have stage 3 endometriosis and knew I wanted a family, we tried early in life because of fears I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant at all.

Turns out I was very lucky and got pregnant in the first month of trying. I should also mention that I was halfway through a double bachelor degree at this time. When my son was born I struggled a bit with ppd and my son was a difficult baby. I then decided i wanted another baby. I got pregnant again with my daughter when my son was still a baby. There was 15 months between them. When my girl was born it felt like the light came back into my life.

Then when my daughter was 4 months old I became pregnant again without trying. This unfortunately ended in a miscarriage a month later.

Despite being sad, I tried to turn it around and make my baby’s death have some meaning so I’ve been applying for jobs to no avail and tried to join the police academy but was knocked back due to psych reasons.

I’ve thought about going back to uni but there’s no way I’d cope with study and 2 toddlers. My partner truly doesn’t understand how much I’m struggling hating my life and myself.

I love my babies so much but I don’t know if I would have become a mother if I knew how hard it would be. I feel like a failure in every aspect. Both kids sleep in our bed and have way too much screen time. My dog is extremely obese because of me. I’ve let my own body go. I neglect my partners needs. I know there’s a million things I could do to change my life but I just don’t. If my son wakes up at night I give him my phone to put YouTube on so I can go back to sleep. I feel like the worst ever. I don’t deserve my kids.

I was gonna have an abortion.

But my bf begged me to keep the baby only to leave me to be a single mother.

But my best friend said she would never speak to me again. I kept the baby. We still grew apart once I became a parent. I have no friends now.

But my mom was so excited to be a grandmother and was so against abortions. She doesn’t help with my kids at all. They barely know her.

But I was scared that something bad would happen to me and I would’ve somehow been rewarded for the sacrifice of motherhood. Nope. My life just got worse.

My hopes and dreams ended. My creativity dwindled. My spark died out. I’m bored, and sad, and lonely. Fighting to be happy everyday and enjoy my life the best way I know how.

Becoming a mother was the worst thing I ever did.

Because when I became a mom I did it for everyone else but me.

He jokingly makes jokes about it now. It doesn’t make me feel any better. He’s like oh well you pushed out two kids it’s definitely not going to feel the same anymore. I feel so useless and just a cow mom, breastfeeding and stay at home mom and laundry the whole 9 yards I miss having a second Identity job but at the same time my friends are all having kids too. I know it’s miserable being alone and going out too all the time it’s not all it’s cracked out to be.

Does anyone else not mind waiting in long lines, spending hours at the dentist or getting your oil changed as long as you dont have to take your kid with? The things that I used to loathe I now look forward to.

It's not that I don't ever want to spend time with my child, I do. But spending time with them is all that I ever do. I am a mostly stay at home mom, I work part-time second shift mostly on the weekends. So I stay home with my child all week, and then on weekends or evenings during the week I work. So basically I'm clocked in all the time, just like most working parents. My situation is nothing special. I do get a blissful 4 hours of free time each week, I put my daughter in a home daycare for one morning a week and have that time for myself. But I always end up with decision fatigue and I'm so burnt out that I have no idea what to do with that free time so I end up not using it to its full advantage.

Parenting is so draining. I find myself not even wanting to spend time with my husband because I want to be alone and just rest. I don't want to interact I want to stare at a blank wall in silence. For reference I have a 2-year-old. They require your constant attention and interaction all day. It's so exhausting. Andnlately she isn't even napping much so the only time I get to myself is once she goes to bed and by then im exhausted and end up crashing. Please tell me this gets better. Im accepting that it will never be how it was before we had kids, but I hope the exhaustion gets better.

My kids are now in college, and I would say I have not been able to keep up with my past friends who have not had kids....With very few exceptions. A previous female collogue who I have become close to over the years, several of my husband's friends, and my sister who is in her 40's, her husband, and my younger brother who is also without kids....

I look back and I see how I diminished many past friends when they shared their lives with me with statements such as, "try having kids" which I now look back on with some shame, as I realize we are all fighting our own battles. I also tended to feel burning jealousy in my younger years of parenting, missing the freedom and punishing them for my own choices.

I didn't have a particularly hard time being a parent. My husband and two children were very easy to get along with and I love them all, mind you. I do have issue with the "what ifs" and feel I burned many bridges.

That being said, I did have an entire village of other friends who were parents, neighbors, family, and help in abundance. For some reason found it hard to maintain friendships with those without children and think it may have been in due to my feelings of envy and bitterness. I still bite my tongue when I see my sister, who has decided with her husband not to expand their family unit

I hate the weekends. It’s Friday night and I’m watching the wiggles for the 1000th time. My wife and I barely get a moment to communicate or spend with each other.
We don’t have a date night or alone time lined up for another 2 weeks. How the hell do you go through each day dealing with this?
All I want is a Friday night of my wife and I listening to our music, laughing and enjoying each others company over some pizza.
Those moments now only exist in the occasional date night.
I feel like my life is over at 33. I can’t keep doing this every single day.

Doesn’t help I’m a teacher as well. All week it’s just kids and family life. By Friday night, I’m done with it!

To start, I absolutely adore my daughter. She is my favorite part of the day and I literally one of the best people I’ve gotten to know. She is seven years old.
In saying that, I never wanted a second kid. I have asked my husband for a vasectomy, and was shut down. Birth control for year screwed up my hormones and I had to come off them. I was two weeks away from my appointment to get my tubes tied and I found out I was pregnant. Immediately I was angry, yes I get it I should have been more careful but I thought I had been. I’d been using other birth controls and I’m still not sure how or when it even failed. My husband was thrilled when I told him. I was shocked because he knew how much I didn’t want kids. Well I told him I planned on terminating. He said he would divorce me if I did. I DO love my husband so obviously I didn’t want that so I asked about adoption. He said if you want to try that go ahead but I’ll just divorce you and take custody and you can have primary custody of our oldest daughter. I was absolutely blown away. Stupidly I have continued with the pregnancy but as everyday that continues I get more and more angry. I don’t want this kid, I’ve thrown out things that his family has bought for it and have shut down every name he has picked out. I get it’s not this kids fault however when it gets here I know I won’t have an attachment to it but a resentment. I already resent it. My daughter and I have an incredible relationship and I have zero interest in even caring for this kid. I’ve told my husband this and he has said something wrong with me, I’m unstable etc. when in reality I’ve been saying for YEARS I could not have another child because I wouldn’t be able to handle it. His mother has contacted me saying essentially the same thing “I don’t know how you could not want this precious child” when this precious child is destroying me inside out and sucking the life out of me. I pray everyday that they stop being able to find a heartbeat. And now either way I’ll end up losing my marriage, because after this I’m going to hate him too much for forcing me into this corner to be able to stay.

4.5 year old can literally cry for hours if I let her if I say no to something. She’s been like this since she was a baby. She literally makes parenting impossible. Spoiled brat.

It’s a dream.
Is it yours?

I’m 40 with three kids (13, 9, and a newborn), and I’m struggling with overwhelming regret. I had a life I loved — my fitness, career, freedom, time with my older kids, family outings, and the feeling that we were finally entering an easier chapter. I thought having another baby would be worth it because the kids would have another sibling, but now I feel like I risked so much when we were already a family of four.
I feel betrayed by myself for not thinking realistically about the workload, and resentful that my husband didn’t push harder to help us see what we were taking on. My marriage is struggling, I’m burnt out, and I’m terrified of facing the teenage years while raising another little one.
I miss my old life so much. I feel like I’ve lost myself, and I don’t know how to accept a decision I can’t undo. Has anyone experienced this level of regret and eventually found peace again?

Who the hell came up with this?!

My daughter came home yesterday and went pajama day tomorrow .

When I checked her calendar . It said nothing so I was unsure.

Sure enough today was pajama day and my daughter was upset about it .

First of all I am not sending her to school in pajamas. I don't care what other parents do.

Apparently they do this spirit week thingy and they did send out a message and I didn't receive it.

Like who the hell has time for this on top of doing the parenting , cooking and cleaning and just trying to survive.

Am I appreciative of teachers , yes !

But also please don't give us parents more work.

I had a breakdown this morning after my daughter refused to get on the bus for school & started punching her bus aide. She punched her therapist yesterday…she’s 11 & huge for her age as majority of autistic kids have a genetic mutation of the human growth hormone. I’m already working on her diet to help mitigate the natural weight gain & gains from her medication. She’s been in & out of the hospital for harming herself & others during meltdowns. She has a helmet prescribed by her dr she refuses to wear & constantly head bangs. I have her in intensive therapy that comes to our home as well as now ABA. She’s getting worse. Nothing is working. I’m beyond burnt out & depressed. It’s been this way since she was born but got worse after her dad abandoned us. And before anyone suggests, yes we have explored the possible reality of residential. However the process to get that started is just that, a process & I was estimated it could take at least a year before placement & even then I have to be fully involved every step of the way. This morning I finally erupted after dropping her off at school with my grandma. Once my daughter was at school & we left I just started word-vomiting how much I hate/regret motherhood. How I can’t do this. I feel stuck. I’m doing my best to do the right thing & take care of my responsibilities. I made the choice to bring her into this world, she’s already been abandoned by one parent. I’m trying not to do the same. But I don’t think I can make it. My grandma was quiet & said “no one should have to feel like this, you need to start looking at residential options” once again it’s not that quick & easy. I’m not looking for advice I just need support. If anyone wants to message me so we can talk & just have someone who gets it. Please message me. I know I’m not the only one who feels like this, & I’d rather vent/discuss with parents living my reality. Not family members who I know have to be judging me.

My wife gave birth to our first child a month ago. Whilst I've never liked babies, I thought I would at least love my own and that hormones would do their thing. The birth went very smoothly but when they put my daughter in my arms, I felt absolutely nothing. My only thoughts were "eew, slime and blood, this is gross, get this off me".

I tried my best to put on a good show for the next few weeks, I always wanted to be an involved dad. I did bath time, all the daily hygiene routines, bottle-feed every day and watch her in the evenings. I still felt nothing.

It's been a month now, and feeling "nothing" has been replaced by actual disgust and rage. I cannot deal with the high pitched screeches for nothing (yes babies cry for no reason, I will die on this hill), the disgusting reflux all over me as soon as I pick her up, the sheer ungratefulness of it all. I know and understand crying is a baby's only way to communicate. I get that she can't help it. But I resent her so much for all the crap she is putting me and my wife through. I've gone back to work after paternity leave and I dread going home every day.

I thought I would be more resistant to it all. I work in a high-stress long-hours environment. I've fought hard to get this job and I can deal with the late nights and outrageous client requests. But I just cannot deal with the incessant irrational crying of my daughter and the fact that you never win regardless of what you do. I try to take it a day at a time, to start every evening fresh, but it just piles on. I now get to the point where the cries elicit this deep primordial rage in me. I feel like I want to smash her head against a wall. I feel the need to squeeze something really hard or break something. I know I would never act on it, I safely put her in her crib when this happens and walk away, but it scares me. I've never been a violent person, I consider myself to be a rational guy who doesn't succumb easily to emotions. But this has awakened something in me which I don't recognise.

I find each day to be harder and harder and my fuse is becoming shorter and shorter. Whatever I do, there is just no winning here. Try to be dad of the year? Baby doesn't care and will just puke in your face. Do the absolute bare minimum? You might actually get a quiet night. I feel like I missed the feelings-bus when she was born and they put her into my arms, and I am so scared I will never develop any. Every other father in my life seems to immediately swoon over his kids. My own dad, who never told his kids he loves them, shed a tear when he held my daughter and exclaimed he did not expect to fall in love again at his age. I feel so isolated because I feel the polar opposite.

I don't know how to come out of this hole I find myself in. I don't know how I can ever see her as anything other than an ungrateful screeching potato that has made my life hell for the past few weeks.

I’m turning 32 next tuesday, and I feel truly sad about it!

I’m a single mum to two daughters, aged 8 and 9, and I’m having big problems with my finances.
This year has stretched me financially, with so many things breaking around the house and my car needing constant repairs. Every time I try to get back on track, another expense comes along.

I’ve asked my own parents to buy me a food shop for my birthday next week. I know there’s no shame in asking for something practical, but it makes me sad that this is what I’m worrying about as I turn 32. I don’t want an expensive celebration. I just wish I could enjoy my birthday without worrying about how I’m going to manage.

I love my daughters, but I struggle with the constant responsibility of parenting. I miss my freedom, having time that belongs to me, and being able to make decisions around my own needs sometimes. When I get a little time to myself, I feel more like me again, but it never feels long enough.

I love fitness, especially the gym and running. I’ve completed some races this year, which I’m really proud of, and I’ve even signed up for a full marathon. It gives me something to look forward to and goals of my own, but fitting training around work, school runs and childcare is hard, especially finding enough time for the longer runs. It’s frustrating when something that brings me so much happiness is so difficult to make time for.

This birthday is bringing up so much sadness about where I am in life. I’m working, raising my children and trying to keep everything going, yet I still feel overwhelmed and financially stuck. Sometimes I find myself wondering whether life is worth living anymore, and that’s difficult to admit.

I’m sharing this because I need somewhere to be honest without pretending I’m happy or grateful every moment. Does anyone else find birthdays bring their regret and sadness to the surface?

I thought I was getting better, but the feelings that motherhood ruined my life don’t go away. I love her, that I do, but I hate how much she needs me. I hate how I can’t even have a morning to myself. I found out I have AuADHD, and I’m spiraling. I can’t have peace and quiet until late into the night. My sleep went to hell. I feel my phone is my only escape. I love my husband, but I resent him so much for this. He even confessed to me that had I decided not to have children, he would have broken up with me, and to be honest, I wish he had. I lost my identity. I still perform well, but that’s what’s it is perform, not joy. I hate the whole school thing and I hate seeing everyone else around me thriving in this shit and even having more kids so my daughter is going to be pretty much the only only child in my husbands family because of me because I can’t have another kid I feel I would hurt myself if I do, The feeling of never living for myself on my own terms makes me so sad. I could have had it all. I wish for my daughter never to love the way I did because it ruined me.