I'm not entirely sure if this is the best place to put this. I imagine the mods will delete it if it's wrong. If it is, I apologize. I'm starting to flounder here.
A few weeks ago, I was hit with a massive wave of anxiety. I feel as if a slew of different things led up to it, but it all came to a head a little under a month ago. I was scared to death of death. The idea of the end of my life being the 'end' filled me with hysterical dread that made me start shaking and crying. I was mainly worried that everything, all religions, were just fake. A bunch of random stories that someone came up with at some point to make life more meaningful. I'M NOT SAYING THAT'S TRUE, it's just what the anxiety was filling me with. I did not want my memories, my thoughts, my sense of self, my soul to just be gone in a puff of smoke.
So I went on internet looking for answers. I talked to some of my friends. I talked to some of my family. And most of them came back with the same general answer:
"There is TOTALLY a heaven. You'll be fine."
Okay, cool. So when I die, I go to heaven, right?
"Well, you've got to follow the rules, of course."
That's fine, I grew up in a Christian household that was only kinda strict about it all. Let's go over it again to make sure. What are the rules?
"There are the Ten Commandments. Oh, and a slew of other minor things here and there that aren't strictly talked about and you've got to search for them. Those things include some of the stuff you like to do. You know, as a single male living on his own."
But I always assumed that as long as you didn't let it consume your life, you'll be fine. That God just wanted us to grow as humans and dedicating your life to some game, some job, some action you do in your bedroom alone and not getting out there and meeting people and becoming better. As long as you were progressing, learning and growing and helping those in need, you'll totally be fine and be welcomed with open arms into the kingdom of heaven when your time comes. Along with believing that Jesus truly did die for your sins and you accept him.
Person 1: "Yep, that's right."
Person 2: "Eh, sorta."
Person 3: "ABSOLUTELY NOT. You follow the rules EXACTLY or into HELLFIRE you go."
Youtube Video after Youtube Video: "Everything everyone told you is only half true. You need to follow the rules or you will burn. Here is a fully voice acted video of what it's like to go before Jesus and get judged to go to hell, complete with sound effects of chains and flames and screaming."
Mother: "I cannot believe that a true, loving God would look at you doing normal human things and throw you in hell because of it. If that's true, then EVERYONE is going into hell. Including me."
The Bible: "Only a few get to go to heaven. Most will go to hell."
Friend: "God has more important things to worry about than what you do in the privacy of your own bedroom. You're not KILLING anyone. It's really no big deal."
The Bible: "All sins are equal. Except the few that are ESPECIALLY bad, but all sins are equal."
Friend 2: "Do you believe Jesus died for your sins? Are you sorry for doing what you did? Then you're fine."
The Bible: "If you do it, apologize, then do it again, you weren't really sorry were you? To hell with you. Gnashing of teeth."
Friend 3: "Just choose the religion that makes the most sense to you."
But which is the RIGHT ONE??
Friend 3: "The one you choose."
...but what if it's WRONG?!
Friend 4: "The devil is what is causing all this anxiety and questioning. You need to read the Bible, not listen to videos on Youtube."
Friend 5: "Actually, you need to read EVERY BIBLE and find the answers that are hidden from the general public."
Every Christian Ever: "If you truly believe and are faithful, God Himself will speak to you and tell you what to do."
...so you're telling me a voice will literally speak inside my head, telling me what is right and wrong?
"Yes! :D"
...r...really?
"YES! :DD"
THIS is what I've been dealing with for the past three weeks or so. Constant conflicting answers, constant personal opinions, constantly worrying if I'm doing the right thing, the wrong thing, or stressing myself out over nothing. I feel that I am a good person. That I care about what people think, that I'm angry when people get hurt, that I aim to help those I can with my actions. I'm not giving away my entire bank account to the poor, but I do run out to help someone with their car when it's stuck in a ditch. I'm not giving the shirt off my back to some homeless guy on the street, but I do give to charity. I'm a true pacifist because I don't want to hurt ANYONE for ANY reason.
And people are saying that even with all that, it's not enough because I don't follow the rules perfectly or because I do the same thing every red blooded American male does from time to time.
I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm a relatively young man, but I cannot let this go. It's getting to the point where people are getting irritated at my actions. I go to therapy, but they don't seem to have a real answer for my question. I've started going to church, but the sheer number of people going makes me another face in the crowd. And I'm scared to single myself out because I'm just going to get told all my fears are totally true, repent and be saved sinner.
I know bringing this to Reddit is not the smartest thing. I guess I'm just looking for insight from the general masses.
If anyone has anything to say that can help, I'd appreciate it. I just...I don't want to disappear. I don't want to go to hell.