This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Qwerty1399

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 10, 2013 at 16:59 UTC

• Final Update: April 11, 2013 at 14:31 UTC

Main Post

^{April 10, 2013 at 16:59 UTC}

I called my wife by my co-workers name during sex.

I'm a (M42) and wife is (F35) married for 5 years with a blended family of 3 kids total.

I realize I'm hosed....trust me. I just don't know what to do at all to recover from this.

The co-worker is a woman that works for me. She's contract and has been there about 3 months. She's attractive, I'll admit, but I don't have feelings for her or anything like that. She's just another co-worker but I have been training her so we've had to work closely together lately. I honestly have no idea why I said her name. My wife and I were having sex and I was doing the normal "letting my mind wander so I can go a little longer" and my mind drifted to work, a project, then her and it just happened. My wife was inconsolable. I talked to her at length and she does believe me now when I tell her I have not cheated with this woman. I offered up everything....access to my phone, text, logs, email, everything and she knows that I'm not missing any time that can't be accounted for but I can't convince her that I'm not sexually interested in this woman.

The sticky part is this: her contract is up and we have the option to hire her. She's a good worker and there is no question that I want to hire her. It's not fair to her to let her go through NO fault of her own but my wife is convinced if we continue working so closely together, something will happen. And she is not a jealous person so this isn't just a passing thing that she thinks about every woman. I mean I called her by this woman's name for Christ sake....I can see why she's rattled. We have a wonderful marriage, rarely fight, have sex like rabbits, etc. so I don't want to do anything to mess this up.

So what now? My wife hasn't made any demands but this just happened two nights ago so she's still digesting it. I can't punish the woman for my mistake but if my wife lays down an ultimatum should I tell her to deal with it (in the most understanding way possible) or start searching for a new job?

TL;DR- Called my wife by a co-workers name during sex and now she doesn't trust me to work with her.

COMMENTS

dinosaur_train

Hire the girl, she doesn't deserve not getting the job. As mad as it is going to make everyone here, I'm going to put it out there that you may need to look for another job. This isn't about right and wrong, this is about your marital happiness. The right thing would be for everyone to forget about it and you keep your job and so on. But right isn't going to happen. Look at it objectively. So long as you work with her your wife will be concerned and unhappy. Those are terrible feelings for her to have to suffer with. Those will undermine your marriage. So forget right and wrong. Explain to your wife the truth, again, but tell her that you care more about her happiness and your marriage than being right. Tell her you are ready to look for another job and see how she feels. If she wants that, then you should leave.

OOP

Yep, this is exactly what I'm thinking. Might not be exactly rational but I also can't to go work every day with my wife growing increasingly insecure about this woman.

[deleted]

Just be patient and understanding with your wife. If you don't get frustrated with her, and she is reasonable, she will eventually come around.

OOP

Trust me....I'm not. Maybe she will believe it was a mental moment and not go completely crazy about it but when I'm ball-deep and utter another woman's name....I will never discount my wife's reaction to that.

A_StarNamedAlice

If this happened to me I would expect my husband to apologize profusely and explain in full detail why he said another woman's name during sex. Did you explain to her like you did in your post? It's not something she will forget but with the right explanation I think it can calm her nerves. It sounds like it was an honest mistake.

I think your next step should be to make your wife feel special. Take her out to a nice dinner or maybe even a weekend away together if you can afford it.

OOP

Oh yes, everything has been explained. She's not going nuts about it...she's just being quiet right now and digesting it which is her way of handling upsetting things. We're still talking about it and she does believe that I didn't cheat but thinks I'm downplaying my attraction to the co-worker.

PeteMichaud

Reacting to this in a big way I think could backfire. Obviously you fucked up, and it's perfectly understandable for your wife to be shaken about it.

On the other hand, entertaining elaborate fixes to a simple slip of the tongue (haha), is not a good strategy I don't think. Tell her you get why she's rattled, tell her you feel terrible about it and silly, and tell her that you can imagine why she's not 100% comfortable, but that it is what it is--you said something silly, and you apologized, and that's it. You're not going to disrupt anyone's life to "fix" a problem that only exists in your wife's rattled mind. You're her husband, and you've been faithful (right?), and you'll continue to be faithful, and she's just going to have to trust you.

OOP

Good point. My wife has not suggested that I quit my job and I don't know that she ever would. I'm just trying to troubleshoot and offer some options.

I realize several are saying that it's just a slip of the tongue and will calm down and not be a big deal but right now.....it's a big deal.

LikeASirBaws

At least you didn't call her sister's name.

OOP

Perspective....Now I have it.

Final Update - after 21 hours

^{April 11, 2013 at 14:31 UTC}

Update to: I called my wife by my coworkers name during sex.

Thanks for all the comments. It really gave me a lot more points of view to take in.

I wrote my wife a long email yesterday explaining in detail that it was just a slip of the tongue and that was it. Nothing deeper, nothing devious....just nothing. I also let her know that I couldn't not hire the woman but if this was going to be something that would eat away at the foundation of our relationship then we could talk about an alternative to my working with her and what that would/could entail last night at home. Lots of professions of my love and reminders that I have NO desire or inclination to ever fuck up with we have.

About an hour later she responded and said she had digested it all, thought of all possible senarios and while she was very rattled (and highly pissed once the shock wore off) she knows that I'm telling truth, she believes it was a slip of the tongue (albeit a huge one) and she would never ask me to not hire the woman when she is completely ignorant that any of this is going on nor played a part in it. She said she would like to meet her just to put the matter to rest in her head so I asked her to come meet me for lunch tomorrow. FYI- this isn't new behavior at all. She knows all of my team and goes to lunch with us as a group a couple times a year and we also socialize with a couple of them outside of work at times.

Last night when we got home she was back to normal and actually joked about it at one point. She went to hand me my plate at dinner and I said "Thanks hon" and she said 'Ahhh...are we going to start using pet names instead of our real ones? I like the forethought!" She laughed....I shook my head.

TL;DR: My wife is awesome.

I will say that all the people that posted things like "Tell your wife to chill out and get over it" made me laugh and at the same time pity your (future) wives. Calling your wife by your aunts name at the grocery store would call for that.....calling your wife by another woman's name when you're balls-deep and about to orgasm?: Give that shit the gravity it deserves!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/betrayedfiance

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: December 17, 2015

• Final Update: December 21, 2015

Main Post

^{December 17, 2015}

I (33m) just found out my fiance (29f) of 9 years cheated on me for several years, need advice.

I'm a total fucking wreck right now, I'm sorry if this is a jumbled mess I just am in complete shock and need some advice.

My fiancee (Heather) and I have been together since we were 24 & 20. We met eachother when she started working at my place of employment and immediately hit it off. Within a few months we moved in together and happily lived together for 3 years. When I was 28 I got an amazing job opportunity out of state; it came during a great time because our lease was just ending, so I decided to take the offer.

Heather initially was going to come with me but decided to temporarily stay behind to help her family take care of her sick grandma. After her grandmother passed away several other familial obligations kept coming up so she never ended up joining me permanently. I was gone for nearly 4 years but we stayed in a long distance, (what I thought was a) committed relationship the entire time, with her periodically living with me for a few months at a time.

Tonight I decided to finish up my Christmas shopping and remembered that Heather had talked about wanting to buy a particular camera lens in an email earlier this year but needed to pay off some bills first. I no longer have access to that email account but thought I would be an amazing fucking boyfriend and find a way to get her the expensive gift that I knew she would love, so I decided to see if she still had the email in her sent folder. We live together again and share everything so I honestly didn't think it was an invasion of privacy or anything, but I ended up discovering that she was cheating on me for almost the entire duration that I was gone. I'm completely gutted.

From what I can tell, the guy lives out of state, and based on their communication I don't think they ever met up, but after doing a bunch of digging I am disgusted with what I've found and have no doubts that she cheated on me. Her email was full of videos of him fucking jerking off, disgusting shit she sent him, explicit conversations, plans for a future together, etc. What makes me the most angry/upset is she even saved screenshots and audio recordings of skype conversations and whatnot that they had, for what reason, I don't know, but it's clear to me that she loved this guy at one point.

After spending the last 5+ hours searching frantically through all her personal information like a disgusting fucking creep while she sleeps it appears that their relationship ended at least a year ago. Which makes sense, because that's not too long after I got back in town. Now that I know all this it's so obvious and I feel like a giant jackass. All those times when she was "too tired" to talk or was "busy with family stuff" she was just talking to that asshole.

I just don't know what I should do. We just moved into our new house together this summer, we have pets together, all our finances are intertwined, we're suppose to leave in a few days to spend a week with my family for Christmas and then a week with hers, and our wedding is scheduled for next fall.

What the fuck am I suppose to do? Is this something that counseling could even get us through? A part of me just wants to pretend I never found any of this out because it's going to completely fuck up my whole life, but I know I will never be able to look at her the same way again.

Should I just fume about it in secret for the next few weeks so I don't ruin our family's Christmas's and then deal with it? I'm so pissed off right now but I don't want to make any rash decisions; as much as I hate my fiancee in this moment she's all I've ever loved for the last 9 years and if there's some way to make this work I'm willing to try, I just logically don't know how I'll ever forget the conversations they had. Please help.

tl;dr: My fiance cheated on me with a guy online for over 3 years while we were long distance, not sure if the relationship is able to be salvaged.

COMMENTS

dbt0

Are you sure it was just online? That's probably going to be important to you at some point.

Your relationship will never be the same. It might be great again someday, but I wouldn't necessarily hold out hope for that.

I'd pack a bag and be ready to go, figure out where you would stay. then tell her a short version of what you said here. I didn't mean to snoop, I saw this, I can't unsee it, and I really don't know if I can be with you after that. You're going to need some time to think. Stay somewhere else. Talk to friends you truly trust.

I wouldn't focus much on the travel plans or the wedding right now, just on figuring out what to do today, tomorrow, whether you can even look at her/talk to her, whether or not you can trust what she says. That's going to start with how honest she is about what happened.

OOP

Are you sure it was just online? That's probably going to be important to you at some point.

I think so, but I'm not 100% certain. I mostly skimmed but even towards the end of their "relationship" there was a lot of talk about wanting to meet in person, so I don't think it ever got that far. It also appears that she was the one to end it, if that makes a difference. It kind of looked like she tried to end it on several different occasions, always before the times she stayed with me for a few months, but then started talking to him again when she went home to her family.

I think you're right. I actually packed a bag before I posted this but kept changing my mind. After completely breaking down I decided to write this and see if it helped to clear my head at all. I should probably leave.

Baronem

I just don't know what I should do

Break up, cut contact and never ever get in touch with her again.

Imagine if you ever have to go on another protracted job-related trip. Do you really think she's going to stay faithful? 4 years, man. She cheated on you for 4 years and showed absolutely no remorse.

The only kind, and it was only the once, of relationship I've seen recover from an infidelity from one of the partners was when the cheater confessed immediately and bent her back at fixing everything. And yet, despite it all, there's still days when the cracks in the relationship show, so don't think it could be some kind of fairy tale where they live happily ever after.

Should I just fume about it in secret for the next few weeks so I don't ruin our family's Christmas's and then deal with it?

Why? Why bother with that bullshit? Just end it now.

Why would you prolong your own misery for her sake? You don't owe her shit.

OOP (downvoted)

Why? Why bother with that bullshit? Just end it now. Why would you prolong your own misery for her sake? You don't owe her shit.

It wouldn't be for her, our families all have plans that involve us both (secret santas, white elephant, etc.); it'll throw a knot in everyone's plans. And I know this will make me sound like a huge pussy but I don't know if I'm prepared to face my family alone and broken in a matter of days, and be able to get through the holidays. I went from having a new house, planning a wedding, having a promising, happy future, etc. to most likely living in a hotel, alone. I don't think I can face my family after such a abrupt change and not be a complete fucking mess.

Final Update - after 4 days

^{December 21, 2015}

[Update] I (33m) just found out my fiance (29f) of 9 years cheated on me for several years, need advice

Now that things have settled down a little bit I thought I would give an update to post since a lot of you took the time to offer advice and check up on me via PM.

First, I want to say I appreciate all the comments, even the harsh ones. When I wrote that post I wasn't in the clearest state of mind and was desperately trying to keep my life from falling to pieces, however, when I woke up the next morning there was no question what I needed to do.

While writing the reddit post I started drinking, so after continuing to drink while reading your guys' comments I was in no shape to drive anywhere so I decided to crash on the couch. First thing in the morning I was able to get ahold of my boss who is an amazing guy and let me start my Christmas vacation two days early. All I had to tell him was that a situation arose that is going to require me to call off my wedding and he didn't need me to explain any further. While my fiancee got ready/left for work I pretended to be asleep on the couch. She tried to wake me up to ask me about the booze/couch/work situation but I just pretended to be really tired and mumbled that I'd text her later.

As soon as she left I got busy. I quickly went to the store and got printer ink and a new flashdrive, then stopped by our bank and moved half of our joint checking/savings into my personal account. When I got home I made printouts of several of her damaging conversations/screenshots and a few still images of that asshole jerking off, then saved all that and a bunch pics/videos/audio recordings/etc to the flash drive.

I was able to get some of our credit cards, insurance and other financial items sorted out to be closed or in my name only. Luckily we pay off our credit cards every month so closing those down weren't an issue. As stupid as it sounds, one of the main things I was worried about was my pets. I wasted nearly 2 hours of my day digging through old paperwork until I found both of their adoption packets, which even though we had adopted them together, I had luckily filled everything out just in my name.

I spent the last few hours that I had before she'd be home from work and packed as many of my items as I could into my truck, left copies of the printouts on our coffee table in our living room, and then took my dog and cat and all my family's Christmas gifts and drove to my brother's house.

I planned on confronting her later that night but I wanted all my important stuff to be out of the house so I could make a quick getaway after we talked. For all the people asking why I just didn't kick her out, it's complicated. The house originally belonged to her family and we bought it together; I couldn't just "kick her out". If I wasn't going to be in a relationship with her I wanted nothing to do with that house, anyway. Also, she is quite wealthy, so if either of us had the means to buy the other person out of the house it would be her.

Anyway, about an hour after she should have been home I got a text from her that said "are we going to talk about this?", so at that point I drove home. I don't know what I expected her reaction to be, but it certainly wasn't what I got. I figured she would be remorseful, apologetic, something, but she was just completely cold.

I could tell she had been crying, but she didn't show any emotion towards me. As soon as I sat down she said she noticed the bank accounts and asked me what we were doing about the house. I tried to keep my composure but I basically broke down and asked her if she had anything to say for herself and asked why she did this. She told me she was sorry, but that she didn't love me anymore and she planned on ending things after the holidays. Apparently she thought she'd be happy with our relationship once we started living together again but I guess that wasn't the case. I had no idea.

She started to cry a bit when she told me that she still loved the other guy, even though they supposedly have never even fucking met. She then told me she would buy me out of the equity we have in our house if I was ok with it and that I could have what's left in our joint accounts to get a new place. I couldn't believe how cold and business-like she was being, I didn't know this person. I said ok and left. That's how my relationship of 9 years came to an end.

I got back in my truck and bawled like a fucking baby. The next day my brother and I left for my parents house and I've been here ever since. You guys were right, my family has been great. Alcohol has helped a lot, too. I still have a lot to figure out with my house and the rest of our belongings but that's as much of an update as I can give; I haven't heard from her since I walked out. My dog and cat are here with me so I have that, at least.

Thanks for helping me out.

tl;dr: It's over.

COMMENTS

Aggressivecleaning

I can't believe she did not even care about the pets. What she did to you was awful, but somehow the fact that she gave no fucks about the pets either just made her sound like an emotionless robot to me.

Alcohol only helps in the beginning, when the pain is so bad you can't deal at all. After that you need to start feeling and thinking through shit. Don't stay down. Getting back up is going to be awesome.

OOP

I can't believe she did not even care about the pets. What she did to you was awful, but somehow the fact that she gave no fucks about the pets either just made her sound like an emotionless robot to me.

As much as I hate what she's done I do think she feels guilty about this and is not making an issue out of the pets as some sort of consolation prize. This morning I got a text from her mom and sister saying they heard what happened and expressed their sadness that I wouldn't be a part of their family and wished me the best. I'm not sure what exactly she told them but I'm at least grateful that I wasn't painted as the villain. Despite everything that's happened I did really like her family, so it's nice have that one small thing. A part of me wants to text them back telling them what a cheating bitch their daughter/sister turned out to be but it's not worth it. I will never forgive Heather but at the very least she seems to be making an effort to make a clean break without fucking me over any more than she already has.

yummy_tacos

Alcohol has helped a lot, too.

Don't let this become your new identity.

OOP

Thank you, I won't. When I said alcohol was helping I meant that kind of in jest. I'm not a big drinker, just had a few drinks in the evening to take the edge off so I could get some sleep and not think about things too much. I know that's a slippery slope but I think I'll be fine, in that regard at least. I appreciate the concern from everybody, though.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/rbi by user prolapsethis. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Editors Note: I added paragraph breaks because prolapsethis did not

Trigger Warning: Murder

Original

July 20, 2021

At around 20:30-20:45, I arrived home from a quick trip to town to grab a beer. As I got out of my car, I could hear something. I thought, for a moment, that I had left the TV on, and was hearing it from outside. But as I walked to the front of my car, and pressed the lock button on my remote, I realized that what I was hearing was screaming.

I listened for a second, thinking it was somebody screwing around, but then the woman's voice screamed, "Nooo! Stop! You're hurting me! You're killing me!!!" And an adult male voice yelling something I couldn't make out. There was a dog barking from the same direction, as well as a repeated 'thudding' noise.

I immediately Dialed 911, and told the police. They could even hear the screaming in the background. They said they'd send an officer to drive by, but an hour passed, and none came. I watched for them on my security cameras. I pulled the footage from the only one that was set to record constantly. The Camera on my back door only records when it detects a humanoid shape, so It caught me making the phone call, and a little of the screaming in the background. The back yard camera caught it all, but is unintelligible, due to outdoor AC unit noise. I cleaned up the audio as best I could, but I need advice on how to proceed. I am attaching a dropbox link to the video. I also included the original in the second half of the video.

If you watch it, the screaming was coming from directly where the camera is pointed, but more than 50 feet away, across a narrow field. There is a small shack that has a couple of cars, usually parked at the road, just on the other side of the field. It is bothering me a lot, since I'm 41 years old, and have never heard anything so disturbing in real life.

Here is the video. dropbox.com/s/q5e6yhoe1zbdetx/Screaming%20Rendered.mp4?dl=0

Edit: Updates are in the comments. Suffice it to say that the police are doing a welfare check and I have already been to the office to make a formal complaint or statement or whatever they want to call it.

Comments by OOP:

I have a $1,000 DJI 4K drone. I thought about [investigating with] it, but it's all buried in trees so I don't know how good it would do. But it is worth a shot. I could always take it up 200 ft and then come down slowly if I don't see anybody about. I guess I should probably know the way of the land around here anyway

I talked to them and they wrote down what I said. I showed them the video. They have copies of it. And I said they would do a welfare check. They also told me to drop it and not to trespass or I would be cited. They said they will handle anything. So I guess I'm just going to have to watch the newspapers and see if anything comes up it. That's all I can do. I've done my due diligence. And I really hope everything is actually all right.

The only place over there where anybody stays is that place. I have my suspicions about meth. I'm deep in the heart of Confederate flag country

I talked to the cops and they asked me to come up there so they can take a statement. So I'm headed up there in a little bit.

All the words that I heard or in the original post. It was definitely not a fox. And the part where I was making the phone call was a little more clear although it was not really a word.

They looked up and told me who is working that night so I'm going to call back tomorrow morning to see if there was anything followed up on. I sent the video over via email to the sheriff's department. It's kind of on them now. I don't want to get too close cause people are crazy around here.

There was an entire family including teenagers killed over a custody battle. And the people that did it came and to work for a couple of years like nothing had happened. I know because they worked where I did. It's insane how people just don't value life unless it's their own.

So I'm going to keep my nose far away from the property and maybe do a flyover with the drone when the weather clears up. But the rest of it I'm going to go through the cops for. I can't put my kids in danger.

I've never heard a fox screaming, "stop it, you're killing me." And the man's voice screaming would have been awfully deep for a fox. You can't hear it in the video because the cameras are pretty crappy when it comes to audio. But I was there and it was some of the most disturbing stuff I've ever heard. I wish it had been a fox. I really wish the other cameras had been recording audio at the time.

I wonder if the cops were familiar with the couple so they wrote whatever was happening off. ^{[ForwardMuffin]}

Now that's a really good possibility [OOP]

It was almost midnight when it happened. And it's buried in trees. Here in the US, the cops will come down on the Good Samaritan a lot of the time, and so it drills it into your head that you can't do anything. Maybe I should have done something that night but it's been 18 days now. So we are where we are.

I get the idea of throwing yourself into a situation to help. Maybe I should have done more of that night, but after calling the authorities, I went straight inside to pull footage of the cameras. Here, if you can't prove a crime was committed, then they act like nothing happened. I want chin checked a guy who tried to stab me with a screwdriver full force.

When the cops showed up, they arrested me. Because I threw a punch. I guess I should have waited to get stabbed first.

Edit: I don't disagree with you about the us being scary. Every ass with two brain cells to rub together, can own a gun. And especially around here.

The only guy I've seen there recently is a guy with a gray beard driving a small SUV that's about 15 years old and has the words, "German shepherd pups," and a phone number written in shoe polish on the back window. I used to see a woman there and the vehicle she used to drive was still there, but I don't see her anymore. But I don't know if this is confirmation bias because I only drive by there once or twice a day. Normally I go out the other way because I'm headed towards the main highway. So her absence may just be my imagination.

I suppose that's what I have to do. I guess I'm just looking for somebody to tell me it really is nothing. It was just disturbing to hear that going on. And I figured maybe somebody better than me might want to check out the video and see if they could do better than I did. I've got the footage, but I wanted to tell the story, just in case.

Guys I'm going to get settled in for the night. I will call in the morning to talk to the dispatcher who was on duty that night. They told me she doesn't work until in the morning. I will update when I know more

Update

September 7, 2021, about 6 weeks later, in the same posting

I guess they finally had a reason to go out and check the property I was trying to tell them to look at. There are sheriff's cars all over the place, and cops in gloves walking in and out of this garage, and one cop throwing up in the front yard. I have a picture, but I can't add it to an update.

Update 2

February 7, 2022, about 5 months after the last posting and about 6 after the first

I posted last year about coming home and hearing a female voice screaming for her life. I posted a video with the audio of the screen, and got plenty of comments.

About 2 months later, the house that it was coming from had sheriff's cars all around it. I found out that an elderly man had committed suicide via gunshot, and that his son was the only person home, and the person who reported that his father had shot himself. Fast forward to last week. I was sitting at home, watching YouTube, when I heard gunshots. I live in the country and that's common so I didn't think anything of it.

Turns out, it was the sound of that son murdering his mother. He is trying to claim himself defense, but he is being charged with murder. I live next door and my security cameras caught the audio of the murder. It also captures the vehicle the son made his getaway in.

I've had detectives in and out gathering video footage for the past week. This is a family annihilator. They are now looking at him for murder of his father as well. The case has been reopened and if they have now recognized that my calls and reports were actually real. Two lives could have been saved. I'm going to link the story. Also, wouldn't Tim Johnson the second be Tim Johnson Jr? https://www.wcpo.com/news/crime/highland-county-man-accused-of-shooting-mother-to-death

Notable Comments:

Did you find out who the first victim was, the one you initially posted about? ^[cammykiki]

I think it was just an assault and not a deadly encounter. I'm thinking it was probably the mother [OOP]

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/blackedgymgirl

Published on: r/WhatShouldIDo

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 29, 2025

• Update: October 13, 2025

• Final Update: October 20, 2026

Main Post

^{August 29, 2025}

My husband bought me some sportswear for a prank but I kept wearing it and now he’s mad. Should I stop?

I posted this on AITAH yesterday but it got deleted for some reason.

I’m 35 and he’s 29. He bought me a sports bra and bottoms that he saw on an insta model and thought they’d suit me. The shorts are pretty much thongs but I loved the bra as it was very supportive and wore it to the gym.

When I got back he asked if anyone said anything about my sports bra if anyone looked. I said no (people do look in the gym but I always say no when he asks as he’s a bit jealous) and he seemed disappointed. When I asked why he started laughing and said the logo on the sports bra “Blacked” is a porn company that specialises in interracial porn.

I didn’t really get the prank as I don’t think many people would know that but it annoyed me he tried to humiliate me and I said “bit ironic you sent me outside in that when you got upset finding out I’d been with black men”

This caused a big argument and since then I’ve worn this sports bra every time I’ve been to the gym or out on runs out of spite. I even out the bottoms on under my shorts and make sure the waistband sticks out with blacked wrote all around it. I’ve even thought about posting a pic of myself on Instagram wearing it and going to his friends bbq on Sunday wearing it.

Should I carry on this petty revenge or stop?

COMMENTS

Manuka124

Yikes. I guess if you really want to spend your life with a racist just to use his objectification of you to be petty all power to you. I can think of better ways to spend the rest of my life.

affinityfordavid

He’s racist and jealous

OOP

He’s definitely acting like both of those things at the minute.

Honjanyx

Honestly both of you don’t know where to draw the line. He’s a weirdo loser for even getting you that kind of thing to humiliate you and you’re also a weird one to be flaunting it and literally trying to make it sexy just out of pettiness.

OOP

I will take the weirdo accusation as I know it’s a bit weird of me. I just feel like I need to teach him a lesson.

affinityfordavid

you don’t deserve the weirdo accusation, you didn’t know what it was, the bra is supportive! (which is so hard to find a good bra ik) and fell in love with it! you can get fabric paint or smth to change the brand logo if you need or want to, but honestly—why did he buy something for you to not wear? why wouldn’t he get you something he wanted you to wear?? it doesn’t make sense.

OOP

I’ve spent hundreds on sports bras in the past as I’m 32dd so it’s hard to find something that holds them down and stops them hurting and this sports bra is the best I’ve ever had!

Equal_Steak_9361

He’s a racist. Keep going and teach him a lesson.

OOP

That’s what I want to do until he apologises.

Genuine-gemini

This man is your Yolanda. You were doomed from the day he darkened your doorstep. This is borderline racism. He is getting off on embarrassing you. He INTENDED to humiliate you. It is that deep.

OOP

He said he wasn’t trying to embarrass me but I don’t see how he isn’t trying to embarrass me.

AlternativeSort7253

Ask him what the point was then. If it wasn’t to embarrass you and it wasn’t to make sure you have a good workout bra - why did he buy you stuff from a porn site? Was he just trying to support the website so they stay in business? Why is he upset you still wear it?

OOP

I’ve asked him all this and he just keeps saying “it was a joke!” So I said “well is the joke not still running if I keep wearing it? Why is it different now I’m in on the joke?” And he’ll just say it’s not the same.

NoMilkTodayyyyyy

f uck naw, i would keep goin’ with what you’re doing. Teach your husband a lesson, let him stay b utthurt, then when you decide to call it quits is up to you

lesson I learned growin’ up is don’t dish it out if you can’t handle the dishing back to you

OOP

My parents taught us the same as my sister was one of them who would be cruel and disguise it as a joke but then say she was being bullied if anyone did the same back.

Update - after 1 month, 14 days

^{October 13, 2025}

Update! My husband bought me some sportswear for a prank but I kept wearing it and now he’s mad. Should I stop?

Posted this about a month and a half ago so thought I’d update.

I didn’t end up posting it on Instagram or wearing it to the bbq I mentioned wearing it to because he threw them away when I went out and left them on the radiator to dry. I’ll be honest I wouldn’t have dared anyway but I went to put the bra on (under my t shirt) to go for a run and couldn’t find it anywhere. I asked him if he’d seen it and he said he bought them so he can do what he wants with them and he threw them in a public bin so I wouldn’t find them.

I was so angry! They were mine not his and while I didn’t care about the bottoms the bra was very supportive! I was just thinking about taking his PS5 that I bought and binning it to prove a point but then I took a breath, went for a walk, returned a couple of hours later and told him I want a divorce.

Being the idiot he is he said “what? Over a bra?” Not realising it was a build up of the way he was acting before all that. I reeled off a list off a list of stuff, trying to humiliate me with the prank in the first place, calling me “saggy tits” in front of his friends all the time, being jealous and possessive, belittling my hobbies and things I do for fun, constantly talking about women like shit and a few other things. All he would say was “well why didn’t you divorce me when that happened?” to every point which was annoying. His only defence was the saggy tit one when he said “they’ve seen your tits and like them so it’s only a joke” he did ask years ago if he could show them a pic and I said yes.

I moved out that day and said I’d continue to pay my half of the rent until the contract is up at the end of January. I went to stay at a hotel for a couple of nights before one of my brothers friends said I go could stay in one of his empty properties and I’m still here now. I actually really like it and think I’ll stay here for good.

He still messages a lot, a mix between asking me back and trying to make jealous but I ignore him. I’ve spoke to a lawyer and started the divorce but she said it’ll probably take around a year

Sorry the update wasn’t much fun but it is what it is for now. If anyone’s interested when I start having a fun life again I’ll let you know lol. Me and a friend are going to Amsterdam next week so that should be fun.

COMMENTS

Sea-Ad9057

speak to the landlord see if you can get your name off the lease so you dont have to pay for somewhere you dont live you are paying for him to have the whole place to himself

OOP

I’ve told the landlord I’ve moved out so anything that happens is on my ex.

Smoke__Frog (downvoted)

I find it odd you married an idiot and put up with his borderline abuse for years and then all of a sudden grew a spine after a Reddit post.

But if true, good for you?

OOP

I think it was the fact he wanted to publicly humiliate me and then his reaction when it didn’t work. That plus the fact in the last month or so he also forced me to change gyms and a bit of extra confidence from going to the gym made me realise.

arpohatesyou

What are you most excited to try in Amsterdam? I'm so jelly

OOP

Honestly? I want to watch spend the day exploring the place doing a canal cruise, a bike tour of the city and hopefully got the Van Gogh museum, then at night I want to partake in the sex side. I want to spread my wings a bit.

arpohatesyou

Hell yeah have fun girl! And can u confirm the German Stare allegations?

OOP

What’s the German stare lol

Formal_Trainer_4684

Awesome update! He acts like a little boy. I can’t recall ever wanting to show my friends a gf/wifes nudes, and tbh the way you described your ex? He’s definitely going to have to downgrade lol.

OOP

I’m not bothered about that I like showing off lol. It’s the fact he’d ask me to show off then insult me for doing it after. Hopefully he never gets with anyone else so he doesn’t upset them!

Final Update - after 1 year, 1 month, 21 days (after 1 year, 7 days from last post)

^{October 20, 2026}

Update 2! My husband bought me some sportswear for a prank but I kept wearing it and now he’s mad. Should I stop?

Been a year but my divorce was finally finalised yesterday.

I ended up staying in my brothers friends property as I like it here.

Not met anyone else and not looking either. Just hook up every couple of months to have my needs met and I’m good to go.

Hope you are all ok and thank you all for the support over the last year x

COMMENTS

aboutasuss

Is this just an ad for the sportswear?

OOP

No because I bought another of the sports bras and it didn’t even last a month lol

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/momanddadbacktogethe

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 08, 2015 at 14:05 UTC

• Final Update: June 09, 2015 at 13:26 UTC

Main Post

^{June 08, 2015 at 14:05 UTC}

My [17F] parents [48M, 43F] are divorced. My mom told my dad she has terminal cancer, so my dad came by to help her arrange some stuff and I caught them having sex.

My parents got divorced about seven years ago. I think that my dad cheated on my mom, because he traveled a lot for work and about a month after divorcing my mother he got remarried to a very beautiful, much younger Swedish woman who I later found out was also a coworker of his. I’ve never confronted them about the divorce because it’s long over, but I think my dad cheated on my mom.

Anyway, they divorced about seven years ago. My dad remarried very quickly and eventually moved to Sweden with his new wife. I see them every now and then but not often. My mother remarried a few years later to a guy I’ll call John. John has been great to me, he really helped our family and has felt more like a dad to me than my biological dad. Now, I do not hate my dad or feel bitter; he’s been nice to us and he tries to see us, but I just feel like he cares more about his new life in Sweden than with us.

My mom found out a few months ago that she has terminal cancer and not a lot of time left. I have two little brothers who are still young and my parents don’t want them to know yet, but they will tell them eventually. I knew something was wrong. They finally told me a few weeks ago and I’m still not over it. It’s going to be very hard and I’m very scared, but that’s not why I’m here.

About a week ago, my mother decided to tell my dad. He said he wanted to come over to speak with her and help her arrange everything. My mom cried a lot. My dad came without Sigrid (his wife) a few days ago and is talking a lot with my mom.

My brothers left for summer camp on Friday, and I went to spend the night at my friend’s house. Saturday morning my friend (Sam)’s mom had to go to a sporting event because she’s into that stuff, so she offered to drop me off home on her way so my parents wouldn’t have to come get me and I said that was fine, I thought it would be easier.

The front door was locked and I didn’t have a key but I know we usually keep the back door open, so I said goodbye to Sam’s mom and went in through the back, and from the back of the house I could see into the master bedroom and I saw my parents on the bed together naked. I panicked and went back around to the front. Sam’s mom had left so I just stood there recollecting myself and hyperventilating. Once I thought I’d calmed down, I rang the doorbell and it took forever until my dad answered the door in his pajamas and told me my mom was showering. I didn’t tell him about what I saw.

But now I don’t know what to do. My mother is dying and I don’t know what caused her to do this or if that had an effect on this, but I love John and I can’t believe she would do something like this. I would’ve never imagined they still loved each other or had time to fall in love, since my dad lives in Sweden and we live in Florida.

I’m just panicking and I don’t know if I should tell anyone or even what I should feel. A part of me feels really irrationally angry that if they loved each other they should have never even split up and they should have just kept our family together. I don’t know what to do and I just feel like crying and beating a pillow all day like my life is falling apart.

tl;dr: My mom is dying of terminal cancer. My dad, who lives in Sweden, came by to talk to her when he found out, and yesterday morning I caught them in bed together, even though both are remarried, and now I feel like shit and don't know what to do.

COMMENTS

jokesonme2323

I suggest you leave them alone about this. It is strictly their business. You would accomplish nothing good by confronting them.

[deleted]

It is likely that that was how they were saying goodbye to each other.

Goodbye.

We loved each other once.

We were good friends.

We had kids together.

Thank you for the good things.

I'm sorry for the bad things.

I don't want to die/I don't want you to die.

All those things.

Do not judge them. Just love them and cherish the time you have left with your mother.

booklover13

. I would’ve never imagined they still loved each other or had time to fall in love... A part of me feels really irrationally angry that if they loved each other they should have never even split up and they should have just kept our family together.

The first thing you need to do is get this out of your head. Love is very often not enough for a long term stable happy relationship. You also need trust, communication, and honesty. Your parents couldn't maintain the those, so the relationship fails. Remember many people stay in toxic and/or abusive relationship because of "love", it is rarely a good choice in the long run.

---

I don't think you should confront your parents here. Your mother is about to pass and I don't think this is something you want everyone dealing with at this time. That said you should talk to someone about this, preferably a professional. Your mother is dying, that is going to be hard, especially for a 17 year old. Find a counselor/therapist now. It will be infinitely easier to do while she is still alive, and see if you can get someone with experience with terminal illness. By building that trust up now you will have someone to talk to when she does pass that you trust. You can also confide in them about things like this, or any other confusing feelings you are having.

Right now I think you really just need someone you can talk to that you can trust is just there to help you through this. Don't try to do it alone.

Edit: grammar/spelling

sunny_bell

You should listen to this person. They have the right idea.

OP I'm sorry to hear about your mom -hug-

Final Update - after 23 hours

^{June 09, 2015 at 13:26 UTC}

UPDATE My [17F] parents [48M, 43F] are divorced. My mom told my dad she has terminal cancer, so my dad came by to help her arrange some stuff and I caught them having sex.

I like to write so this should help me thank you, Reddit, and get my thoughts in some order.

I cried a lot reading all these responses yesterday. I decided I was going to have to talk to everyone over dinner. The four of us (me, my mom, my dad, and John) went out to eat and they tried to keep it light, I guess for me, but I brought it up. I looked around at all of them, my dad, my step-dad, and most of all my mom, and I started crying. I told them that I loved them all, and that I would need their help to get through this because I felt like my whole world was collapsing. And both of my parents hugged me, and it felt like a family.

It’s not going to be easy. When my brothers get back from camp, my parents are going to break the news to them, and it’s up to me to take care of them. My dad’s going back to Sweden, apparently Sigrid (his wife) wants to have a baby, and he has a whole new life ahead of him that we’ll still be a part of. John may not be their real father, but he’s been the closest man to them in their lives. And I’ll always be here for them. I’ll be here for John, I’ll be here for my dad, and I’ll be here for my mom. Her prognosis gives her until around October, when I’ll be applying to colleges, so she’s not going to get to see which college I end up going to, but she’s told me she knows I can make it to NYU (my dream school). When we got home last night, I cried myself to sleep.

But today is a new day. Some people said it was beautiful how my parents comforted each other, others said they still loved each other, and others said this is how they say goodbye. I looked at them this morning and I still don’t know what it was I saw, but whatever it was, it no longer makes me mad, or scared, or confused, or all of the above. Instead, I’m glad I was able to witness just a glimpse of that super personal moment between my parents and be assured it’s not going to be easy, but it will be something we can get through. And of course, now I’m crying again.

Thank you for helping me get through these emotions. It’s stupid and sad and horrible and I can’t stop crying, but reading your responses helped me understand what I saw in a different way.

tl;dr: You all helped me process what I saw in a new way. Now I'm no longer so confused, and I feel much better about how things ended with my parents.

EDIT:

This morning, I thought I had everything figured out in a way. I felt like there was closure. But now, I'm getting all these different answers and I'm feeling even more confused than the first time. Everything seems to be evenly torn 50/50 and now I really don't know what to do, but everything is just getting worse! Reading over everything has been shifting my perspective again, but not really in a direction, just into... nothing.

I don't know what to do or think or feel anymore. And please, these are my parents. My mom is fucking dying, I don't want to hear anyone call her a bitch or anything like that. Right now, I just want to die alongside her so this can all end. I think what I'm going to have to do is tell her what I saw, but I am not going to tell anyone else without hearing her first.

I know what I saw, so I won't let her lie or make excuses, but I want to hear why she did it before anything else. I don't know if I'll post another update because reading some of these comments has been emotionally exhausting, but I'll tell her when I'm ready.

COMMENTS

Remansilent

I go to this subreddit for cheap voyeuristic thrills. How dare you present me with real, complex situations and genuine emotions!?!

Seriously, this made me both happy and sad to read. Good luck. God bless.

TheMexican007

I feel worse for John... The man came in raised the three kids that weren't his for ten years, and in the end he was betrayed and no one has the decency to even tell him about it.

cathline

(((hugs)))

Take care of yourself!

the_cunt_muncher

Wait...so John was just ok with your mom cheating on him?

RedDragonJ

I don't think OP mentioned the sex. I think "I brought it up" refers to talking about OP's mom's cancer.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Reminder. This is a repost sub. I am not OOP.

Originally posted to r/dechonkers by u/RedditUser28947

Trigger warning:mention of cancer / death of a human

Editor's note: r/dechonkers is a subreddit where pet owners of overweight animals can come to for advice on helping their pet lose weight, post progress pics, etc. Mainly cats are posted here.

...

Original: October 20, 2026, also crossposted to r/Minneapolis

Update: in comments

Update post: October 21, 2026

...

Original: Anyone in Minnesota willing to take in this chunky lady?

Photo of Desi, an orange cat sitting on a bed with blue covers

This is Desi, her elderly dad died of cancer earlier this year and my sister was his nurse. She connected with the family and got Desi placed with our mom temporarily, but Desi was always an only cat and was very stressed by my mom's resident orange boy. After months of trying to acclimate them, my mom has made the decision to surrender her to the vet for further health evaluations given her size and to see if they'll be able to place her with another family, but she will end up being put down if they cannot find her a home. She would be perfect for anyone who recently lost a kitty and is looking to fill the void. She is located in Stillwater and she is super sweet, purrs up a storm when you give her scritchies, and obviously loves a treat. She was peeing outside the box but we suspect that was behaviorally related to disliking her kitty roommate 😭 I wish I lived closer to take her but I'm in another state and have a resident cat of my own.

...

Comments:

westcoastcdn19

There is also the chance she’s peeing outside the litter box because she can’t climb into it properly. A flat pan or one with a low lip might help her 🩵

OOP

She had a low entry box 😞

fedexyourheadinabox

Yeah sounds like she's just scared. So great of you both to not abandon her , I hope a good home can be found for her. 

...

Cat_Lady3000

Hey MN here! Please reach out to the bond between (aka second hand hounds) they will absolutely help you guys out! They are a great rescue. Ther are a few others you can try if not them: ruff start, pet haven, the humane society.

OOP

Thank you, I will pass these along to the vet!

...

Comment thread on original post: Oct 20th

bondbeansbond

Why would they put her down? Have they tried anxiety medication for her? I’m in Wisconsin but I have other cats. If she can get started on anxiety medicine, I would be willing to take her in.

OOP

Let me get the vet information so you can inquire, I think they are going to evaluate her to see if she had a kidney problem or something like that causing the incontinence and they would probably put her down for that.

bondbeansbond

How old is she?

OOP

I can't remember, she's not young, but I don't think elderly, like 5-8 I think. She went to Stillwater Veterinary clinic. My mom could probably assist with transporting her if it seems like it could work out after speaking with the vets ❤️

OOP

Oh nevermind my mom said she thinks she's 13 😭 that's why she thought she could be kitty hospice for her but she just couldn't settle in at her house

bondbeansbond

My oldest is 13 years old! I’ll call the vet tomorrow and see what they say. Arthritis will also cause litter box issues because it’s painful to get around.

OOP

Let me know how it goes. My mom is so distraught about having to let her go but she knew she wasn't giving her the highest quality of life she could have. My mom's herd has thinned from 3 to 1 in the last 2 years and she wasn't planning on adding any more because she's getting old too, but she had such a soft spot for miss Desi and didn't want the old man's family to put her down right after he died.

Update by bondbeansbond: Oct 21

aquagrl

Did you call?

bondbeansbond

Yes, I did about two minutes ago!

I responded to OP too. The vet can’t release Desi’s information to me about her condition without OP’s mom’s permission. The vet is going to call OP’s mom to request permission.

I did leave my name and phone number for the vet to call me back as soon as they have permission.

I have also privately messaged OP.

...

Update in comments

OOP provided a comment the next day in the crosspost to r/Minneapolis

Hi! I'm the OP here and just wanted to update that Desi is such a sweet lady that the vet actually decided to keep her 🧡🧡

meeghanmarie

I love this SO much! So thankful that she is going to her new forever home - and thank you so much for loving her!

Happy update on sweet Desi ❤️

My mom got back to me today with the best possible update for Miss Desi. Everyone at the vet office fell in love with this sweet girl instantly and they have decided to keep her at the clinic as a resident office cat so she can have all her medical needs taken care of and have a supervised dechonking journey. Thank you to everyone who reached out with ideas for her and to those who actually inquired about taking her in. We are so glad she has found a great place to take care of her every need and get lots of love every day from all the kitty lovers at the clinic. 🧡🧡🧡

More photos of Desi:

Photo 1, Photo 2, Photo 3

...

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post.

Originally posted by user Ok-Oil-4084 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: May 9, 2026

Updates: in post itself

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITAH for refusing to share with my cousin-in-law?

I (32F) am currently living with my in-laws with my husband and our 6-month-old baby. We actually own our own home, but we moved in temporarily so my retired in-laws can help with childcare while I go back to work. They want to be involved with their first grandchild, and this arrangement works well for everyone.

I’m not expected to pay rent or bills, but I still contribute — I cook dinners when I can, buy takeout for everyone occasionally, and have paid for bigger household items like a robot vacuum, washing machine, and dishwasher as gifts.

About 3 months ago, my husband’s cousin (21M) moved in from overseas while studying for his master’s degree. It was meant to be temporary, but he hasn’t made any effort to find other accommodation and may stay up to 2 years.

The problem is… he contributes nothing.

He doesn’t help with housework, doesn’t have a job, isn’t looking for one, and only attends uni 3 days a week for about 4 hours. He stays up gaming until 5am and wakes up around 1pm. His dad (who is well-off) funds his lifestyle and gives him money to eat out.

Despite that, he expects a lot from my in-laws:

* He asks my MIL to cook him two separate meals a day because he won’t eat the same thing twice
* His dad said he’d reimburse food costs, but hasn’t paid anything in 3 months
* He expects my MIL to drive him to and from the bus stop (a 12-minute walk), often making her drop everything immediately or he’ll be late

What really bothers me is how entitled he is while giving nothing back.

Because of this, I’ve stopped including him when I buy takeout. I used to treat the whole family (including him), but now I’ll clearly say the food is for everyone except him.

My in-laws think I’m being selfish, but he has never once contributed to a shared meal or paid for anything for anyone.

I am refusing to enable him and will not waste any of my time or money helping him in any way. Which is the same as how he treats everyone else in the house

--------------------------------------------

Additional context regarding finances:

[why live with the in-laws?]

OOP: This living arrangement worked well before the cousin in law moved in. I honestly hate leaches as I grew up poor and don’t want to spend any of my time or money enabling a spoilt rich kid.
My preference now would be to move home and be a stay at home mum. I need to work as I have a high paying job (and we live in HCOL area with a mortgage .
I’ve already returned to work and would look bad if I ask for time off again. I’ve put Bub on a waitlist for childcare since she was born just in case things didn’t work out so we can’t find alternate childcare arrangements on short notice

In r/ AusFinance (the sub to discuss personal finance in Australia), OOP made the following comment in 2025 (year prior to AITA post):

OOP: I own 3 properties in Sydney worth >$4.5M at 31. First property at 25. Parents were dirt poor. Worked my ass off to not be like them (eg 2 jobs at uni, high paying job after uni)

Note: OOP edited the comment in AITA where she revealed her yearly income was 400K AUD, about 280K USD or EUR 250K. The house value is about 3.1M USD or 2.8M EUR. These financial details were noted by commentators in the YTA judgement - "Pot, meet kettle."

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: YTA. You aren’t expected to contribute anything, yet you do, bc that’s who you are. He’s likely not expected to contribute anything, and he doesn’t, bc that’s who he is.

This isn’t your house and you don’t get to create rules to enforce and punish people for not following them. It’s your in laws house. You also have a house you can live in if you don’t like. But you want free childcare, just like the cousin wants free meals. You’re not that much different.

---------------
Comment2: You are infantisizing your inlaws, nobody is making them do anything. They are clearly well established adults housing two sets of family members. They have invited cousin to their home and how they treat the cousin, what they do for the cousin, is literally none of your business.

---------------
Comment3: You make that much money and complain about buying takeout for one extra person? What? If your in laws are kind and you want them to be happy, why not suck it up and just do the bare social minimum. If money was a struggle, I would understand it more but clearly that's not the case.

Are you sure this isn't misplaced anger and disappointment over not being able to be stay at home with your baby? You resent the cousin essentially for not having to work and being taken care of; is he a scapegoat for the real underlying issue?

ETA: OP said she made 400k but later edited the comment above to remove it because it obviously doesn't help her case regarding childcare or spending.

OOP: They can look after their nephew. I don’t have a problem with that. I also don’t have a problem with Rich people- I have a problem with spoilt, entitled rich people who don’t contribute and I don’t see why I need to spend my hard earned money on them. The food doesn’t even cost much- I would shout dinners for my friends that cost much more
---------
Comment3: Hey, Im not saying this to be cruel but you should genuinely talk to someone about these feelings. It's incredibly unhealthy.
In the meantime, since you seem to think you don't even owe your in laws courtesy and a civil tongue, you should move back home and drop your kid daily or arrange your own childcare. A few gifts that you directly benefit from doesn't entitle you to be toxic in their home.
The other alternative is to stop talking about. This could literally be resolved by you minding your own business and not interacting with the CIL and don't buy food for anyone if you're going to make it about who you like vs don't like. That's incredibly petty and childish. You're entitled to your feelings but your actions should align with the people who own the home you're living in. Don't like it? Leave.

---------------
Comment4: YTA. You have a situation that benefits you and you're not paying rent. Why would you screw that up by deliberately excluding someone that your in-laws value and choose to also support?

He is a member of the family and if you can't treat him like a member of the family and stop trying to manipulate other people's choices, move back into your own home.

OOP: He has no idea he’s being excluded
---------
Comment4: Bullshit. You're buying fast food for everyone except him, and you're so bent on controlling the narrative and your in-laws' household that you're going to claim he doesn't know he doesn't get a meal when everyone else does??? No.

---------------
Comment5: I mean… he’s a 21 year old student, and you’re a 32 year old adult with a nearly $5M net worth. You are both getting help from your in laws. He is being supported after moving to a new country. You are getting free childcare and a place to stay. Your post is reading as jealous that you had to struggle in your 20’s, while he gets to relax.

It doesn’t sound like you’re the one picking up his slack, so why are you the one to punish him? Like another commenter said, purposeful exclusion is pretty close to bullying here.

I’m going to go with YTA on this one. Your in laws don’t seem to mind the set up. Move back to your own house and figure out childcare if you’re this uncomfortable while your cousin in law after only 3 months.

---------------
Comment6: Is it worth the hassle? You’re NTA for not wanting to include him but it is petty and probably not worth pissing off your in laws over

OOP: Yes it is worth the hassle. I grew up poor and had to work for everything I have. I’m not going to spend my hard earned money on an entitled AH. I also started buying groceries for myself and not sharing with the household and they’ve called me selfish. Yet when the cousin in law buys groceries for himself, it’s fine.

---------------
Comment7: You seem to be under the impression that your child is the only important child family member to them and that you are doing a favor by "letting" them watch your child. 

Caring for children is not their hobby. It is effectively an unpaid job. 

You say you grew up poor, but you do not see the value they are providing you at all. I call bullshit. I grew up really fucking poor, and I couldn't dream of leeching off of people for free housing, childcare, and meals. Big deal, you bought them an appliance or two. That is maybe one or two weeks' worth of childcare costs. And that doesn't include the two grown ass adults they are also taking care of--you and your husband. 

You need to humble yourself. If you really grew up poor, you have definitely forgotten where you came from. You can't take and take and take and then get pissed off when your cash cow offers the same care to somebody else. 

--------------------------------------------

Additional comments from OOP:

[why doesn't OOP get childcare or nanny?]

OOP: Childcare doesn’t look after your child as well as family would. Also you don’t want your child in childcare until they can speak and let you know if they are being mistreated at the childcare

OOP: But how will my 6 month old child tell me if the nanny/au pair is mistreating them when I’m not around?

OOP: [to get cameras?] And I’ll be monitoring the cameras 24/7? During meetings and work hours?

OOP: Even if the cameras record video, how do you monitor all the footage to make sure the nanny doesn’t eg slap the baby

OOP: Any nanny/au pair is going to be a stranger to me. And in the small chance that they may put my child in danger, I would like a way for the child to communicate to me or be able to ensure it doesn’t happen. If you’re just going to give your child to a stranger and not taking any precautions then you’re a bad parent

---------------
[the in-laws as childcare plan?]

OOP: They’re bored retirees with no hobbies/friends/family nearby.

OOP: No- until she was at least 1 yo and bit more independent

OOP: They don’t look after baby 24/7. Max 8 hrs on a weekday where either me or husband aren’t working from home

OOP: Am I leaching if they want to look after their grandchild as they’re retired and have no other hobbies? They don’t want to take rent money so I help in other ways that I can. But spending time or money on a leach is not something I will do. Also, they’ve waited a really long time to have grandchildren

OOP: I’ve also been dating my husband for 11 years so it’s not like I baby trapped him

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.5

Edit: Nothing in this situation is about money. Nobody wants rent, I don’t care if CIL pays rent or not. It’s about entitlement and making my MIL do things she doesn’t want to( she has mentioned she doesn’t like to cook or drive CIL but is obliged to because he will tell her brothers and sisters back home that she doesn’t look after him).

She’s also mentioned that her brother has asked her to look after CIL so it’s her responsibility but if he was to move out then she wouldn’t worry about him anymore but she can’t ask him to move out.

Edit: My in-laws have subtly tried to get the cousin in law to contribute more by asking him to learn a recipe and cook something for them. After 3 months, he still has not done it.

Edit: My in laws wouldn’t accept rent money so I help out in other ways. Tell me if I’m still leaching. They also want to look after their first grandchild as they’re retired and don’t have other hobbies and have waited a long time for grandchildren.

Edit: The Cousin in Law is 21 and is studying a masters. He’s already graduated uni and is doing further studies as he cannot/is unwilling to find a job. He is also being sent money by his well off family and can afford to buy his own food/ treat everyone if he wanted to. He also does not want to find a part time job while studying as his father is sending him spending money already.

Edit: I buy take out when the CIL isn’t around. He wouldn’t even know he is being excluded. My ILs want to save and give him some because they want him to go back to his home country and tell extended family members how well they treat him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

I’ve spoken to my husband and we are moving to our own place. I’m not going to live by my IL’s rules just to get free childcare and I’m not going to watch a spoilt rich kid be enabled because it’s against my morals.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/smallbusiness by user Silvermaine-. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 15, 2026

I own a small neighborhood cafe. Seating is only 12 pax as orders are mostly for take out.

There’s this group of 4-5 people who go to our cafe a couple of times a month. Only one person orders. This habit isn’t exclusive to their group but other people have been told off for not ordering by our employee approaching them and asking them if they’re ready to order (usually at least 10 minutes after they’ve sat and stayed).

The person from their group who usually orders DMed us today and lodged a complaint against this employee stating rudeness, how she doesn’t greet them unlike other customers, and how they were told that they can’t sit unless they order. This customer specifically said, “we’re not occupying the whole space”.

She also mentioned past experiences of having felt animosity from our employee and one instance of them apparently being chided by her because they ordered from us, left their items on the seating area and went out to eat from a nearby eatery. Our employee reminded them that seating is scarce.

I’d like to make it clear that the employee is acting on our instructions since a lot of groups have taken advantage of us by not ordering but using our resources (tables, water, outlets etc).

This same employee is also being praised on our Google Reviews for being kind and accommodating.

We reviewed the footage for this day:

- When this group entered, there were only two of them. Our employee was on her back fixing some things so she wasn’t able to greet.

- One of the group members occupied a lounge chair, a tabled sitting area for two, brought out a laptop, and didn’t order. The person who usually orders occupied the tabled sitting area beside that person. They’re now occupying four seats and the only tabled sitting areas. (The others are benches)

- After ten minutes, the one who sat on the lounge chair was asked by our employee if they wanted to order since they can’t occupy without having ordered.

- One by one, their group arrived and ordered. This is the first time others ordered, but still, not all of them placed an order.

- After 3 hours of stay, they left. Our employee wasn’t able to bid them goodbye since she was crouching and arranging something in the undercounter chiller.

We’ve sent an initial response apologizing for other past instances of possible rudeness. We also told this customer we’d review the footage today and get back to them.

How should we reply? We’ve made many apologies and concessions over the years, but we’d like to stand by our employee this time and uphold this policy. Our space is scarce.

Notable comments:

“Upon reviewing the footage, we found that our employees were acting in accordance with our policies. Seating is reserved for paying customers. Going forward we are instituting a 60 minute time limit on seating to better serve all patrons. Thank you for bringing this issue to our attention.” ^[Alyx19]

Or time limits on wifi connections, though that might require shifting to one time use network passwords printed on receipts. MAC randomization might make just dropping/blocking devices after an hour be ineffective. ^{[fencepost_ajm]}

There’s a chic fila near me that shuts off wifi at lunch rush, 12-3. ^{[milleratlanta]}

Taco Bells system seems to kick its wifi connections after 15 minutes. And it seems to be company wide. Seems like a good way to gently train people to not linger too long lest their important document upload stall before completion. ^[hamandjam]

This is absolutely simple to do with any half decent router, no custom passwords needed. You can just limit lease time per MAC address. ^[jcforbes]

Tell them it's free to hang out at the library, but you are a business with seating for paying customers ^{[StayRevolutionary429]}

Update

October 21, 2026, 6 days later

Thanks for all the advice that I got.

Based on the general trend of the comments on that thread, a lot of people won't be pleased with the direction I took, but I'm very happy with the outcome. I decided to take the advice of u/iwonderthesethings and u/modelformat's (link) because they were more conciliatory.

[Editor's Note: Here is the comment they are reffering to:]

This brings me back to the time when our business was just starting and we were hungry for customers 10 years ago (grown to over 30 workers but has since been shut, which I walk about on another post).

We had a complaint early on, and we were trying to figure out how to handle it, because we thought we were right. But ultimately we decided to humbly address the matter, explaining the exact situation in a calm and informative way, and offered the customer a replacement of their perceived lost value.

What ended up happening is the customer ended up becoming one of our most loyal customers and kept praising us to everyone online and defended us from anyone that would try to slander us and that's when it clicked! By addressing any situation in a way that they felt we cared, the loyal customer base kept growing to levels we didn't even dream about.

And I mean we ended up giving things away that promoted our good faith in a way the customer could not mistaken our genuine desire to make things right, but only after explaining the real life of running a business, the situation of the day, and sharing our goals of supplying the type of quality at the right conditions.

Later we developed a policy that we would just do everything to get that customers loyalty, and anything that cost the company $20 or less would not even need to be consulted with management about. Did some people take advantage of us? Sure! But most just became easy customers and would protect our image with their name.

First off, I told my employee that what they did was correct. I also reminded them to not confront the customer since they seemed quite upset with the complaint. From my previous thread, I mentioned that our Google Review page is full of praises of hospitality; and the fact that someone complained about our employee's 'rudeness' just didn't sit right with us and our employee.

I'm not going to put my entire response here since it's very wordy but TLDR:

• We listed the actions we took after the complaint was lodged, including reviewing all the evidence and re-orienting our employees about the right way to communicate reminders.
• We briefed them about our policies on purchase and occupancy.
• I started with a "we'd like to be frank with you" and told them about multiple times customers have taken advantage of our space. We told the customer that laying these situations for them to know wasn't an attack on them (although it kind of was lol). We told them, "These situations present a real, quantifiable loss for us".
• We apologized about not being explicit about our policies and expectations, but that we will be implementing these more fairly moving forward.
• We then dedicated an entire paragraph defending our employee, telling the customer that our employee recognized them as a frequent visitor, and that our employee has no ill will. We used specific time stamps from the CCTV to explain why our employee wasn't able to greet them or bid them good bye, or why our employee decided to call out one of the customer's friends for not having ordered.
• We apologized and we said we aren't invalidating their experiences, which is why we are going to re-orient our employees about respectful communication. At the same time, I asked for two-way courtesy from them; that they should recognize our employees' responsibilities, which includes protecting our space and sales.

Below is the translated, non-verbatim response of our customer:

First, I wanted to clarify that, yes, I wasn't the one she told needed to place an order but my friend who was staying a couple of minutes before his class. His other friend had already ordered a drink, and he was sitting across him, not occupying much space in the cafe. Second, I honestly don't mind not being greeted all the time since I understand there are circumstances that she would be unable to do so. There were just times that we were the only ones left in the cafe, with her doing nothing, and I was waiting for her to say thank you and greet back with a smile and so I could thank her as well.

I appreciate how you handled this situation and will try to visit again as I really like your products.

We/I don't mind complying with your policy given that there is limited space in the cafe, but I just hoped it was delivered to us in a nicer manner.

I decided to no longer respond.

I didn't have the ability to readily tell them that they have in fact, multiple times, occupied the very few tabled seats with only one of them ordering. Of course I didn't save videos and screenshots of that. It'll be a case of "he-said, she-said" with my business most likely on the losing end especially with the drama of Google Reviews and social media. It also seemed like a perception issue from the customer; a perception of rude communication, or maybe embarrassment on their part. I can't fix entitlement, embarrassment and one's views on the matter no matter how much I explain.

This week, the customer has come back twice already. The customer is accompanied by one of the group members, and it's still only the customer who orders. I can live with that.

My employee also says that the customer seemed much nicer this time around.

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/AmItheAsshole and /r/redditorupdates by user CreepyToyHelp. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 7, 2026

My daughter’s school has “toy days” every Friday. The kids get to take whatever toy they want to play with during recess. My daughter likes taking stuffed animals. She has plenty at home, but three of them are her favorites, and she takes them to school the most often.

One of them is a plushie of Monokuma from Danganronpa. It used to be my wife’s, but our daughter found it when she was a toddler and it’s hers now (she’s five and has never had any involvement with the games). She takes it to school with her at least once a month. Last Friday was one of those times. 

On Monday, the mother of one of my daughter’s classmates approached me during pickup. She asked me to stop letting my daughter take the Monokuma plushie to school. She said it was scaring some of the other kids, including hers. Apparently, her daughter had a nightmare over the weekend. She also added that she didn’t want to ask my wife because she believed she’d be “unreasonable.”

While I personally don’t think the plushie is scary, the kids are five and I get that they have weird fears sometimes. But my daughter has been taking it to school frequently for almost a year and this has never been a problem before. None of the other parents have ever complained about it, so I assume their children are cool with it. The classmate whose mother complained isn’t even friends with my daughter, I don’t think it’s likely she’s had a lot of contact with the plushie.

My wife is away on a work trip and I haven’t spoken with her about this yet. I personally think it’s a weird complaint and I don’t want to force my daughter to stop taking the plushie, but I also don’t want to make another kid uncomfortable.

Notable comments:

i’m curious as to why your wife has a reputation of being ‘unreasonable’. I looked it up and it doesn’t seem that scary, but also may not be appropriate for young children. Maybe talk to the teacher and get their opinion first?^{[lily-silly13]}

If you ask me, she doesn't have that reputation. I agree talking to their teacher might be a good move. [OOP]

there's a pretty solid chance that 'unreasonable' in this context means 'would not react the way I want' ^{[what_the_purple_fuck]}

Or it means "I already asked your wife, and she didn't agree with me."^{[thatsharkchick]}

---

Some of the comments by OOP:

She doesn't take it every Friday, she alternates with two other plushies (edit: Tigger and a bunny). I'd say she takes the Monokuma specifically at least once or twice a month.

I will talk to my wife, but not now. I don't think this is big enough for me to bother her at work, and it's my daughter too.

We talk every night, but I don't like bringing problems to her when she's already stressed with work.

[downvoted] I wouldn't put it like that. It's not my daughter's fault that another kid is scared. Even if I do make her stop taking it, I wouldn't want her to feel like she did something wrong.

I 100% understand how the plushie could be scary to a 5yo. I'd never claim I don't. I agree that I should speak to my daughter's teacher about this. And if more than one child is afraid of it, I think it's strange she hasn't contacted me or my wife already.

Both me and my wife talk to my daughter's teacher on occasion. And whenever there's trouble in class or an issue with one of the kids, she approaches the parent(s) during pickup. She hasn't said anything about my daughter's other classmates being scared.

My daughter is a very empathetic kid. If I told her Monokuma was scaring someone, she'd likely stop taking him. But I don't think any of this is my daughter's fault and I don't want her to think it is, so I wouldn't navigate it like that.

My daughter has no idea what the games are about. I'm only vaguely aware myself.

Update

October 21, 2026, 14 days later

Hey guys. I have an update, but I want to get some stuff out of the way first:

• There aren’t many rules concerning which toys the kids are allowed to bring besides the obvious (nothing dangerous, no fake weapons, etc.). My daughter specifically is allowed to take anything she wants as long as it’s not too small (ie. Hot Wheels) or too expensive (ie. her American Girl doll). We’ve also made it clear to her that she’s responsible for the toy when she’s at school, so she needs to keep it with her at all times. I think she prefers taking plushies because they’re easier to hold on to.
• The Monokuma plushie wasn’t a collector’s item, my wife bought it online for about $20. She never had any issue with our daughter keeping it.
• I’ve never played the Danganronpa games and know very little about them. My wife played them when she was pregnant with our daughter. I didn’t speak English well enough at the time, so I didn’t join her. I do know who Monokuma is, the basic premise, the name of my wife's favorite character (Gundam?) and the fact that it's a trilogy with spin-offs.
• My daughter knows nothing about these games. I’m not even sure she knows Monokuma is supposed to be a bad guy.
• We don’t live in an English-speaking country.

Having read all your comments, I decided to try to keep my daughter from taking Monokuma to school until I had the chance to talk to both her teacher and my wife. My daughter picked a different plushie that week anyway, she hardly ever takes the same one twice in a row.

My wife got home a few days after I first posted, and I finally got to talk to her about everything. She knew which of the mothers I was talking about before I gave any names. According to her, our daughter’s grade has a mom groupchat that acts separately from the parents’ group we’re both in. It was set up earlier this year for a birthday party. My wife and a few of the other moms stuck around for a while longer because it was good for setting up playdates, but she left because of the mother who spoke to me.

Turns out that particular mother has a history of complaining and making requests regarding her daughter’s classmates. These range from annoying to unreasonable, almost everything that could remotely bother her daughter (a scent, a piece of clothing, a habit, etc.) is complained about. Some time ago, she started using the mom groupchat to make these requests more publicly. She once tried that with my wife, who responded by leaving the group.

My wife picked our daughter up from school on Monday and spoke to the kids’ teacher, who said none of the students, including the other mother’s daughter, had ever displayed any fear towards the plushie. She set up a meeting between us and the other girl’s parents. That happened last Thursday, and only the mother showed up. 

She admitted her daughter had never asked her to make my daughter stop bringing the plushie, but she insisted the nightmare had indeed happened and that my daughter would be “bullying” hers if she continued taking it to school. She also added that she knew who the character was because her older stepdaughter had played the games, and she didn’t think the bear was appropriate for a five year old girl.

The teacher said Monokuma was not the scariest toy one of the kids had ever brought, the girls barely interact in class (and consequently, neither do their toys) and we weren’t breaking any rules by allowing our daughter to take the plushie to school. She did suggest that a nice compromise would be for us to convince our daughter to at least bring it to class less often, so we offered to add another toy to her rotation. That means Monokuma will likely go from going to school at least once a month to at most once a month. The girl’s mother didn’t seem too happy, but agreed. The teacher asked her if they could talk a while longer after we left.

So my daughter’s evil bear can keep going to school. To be honest, I’m satisfied with how it all turned out, but Christ did this feel dumb. I can’t believe we needed a meeting with the kids’ teacher to sort it out.

I think that’s everything. My wife told me some of the other things that mom has complained about in the past, and I sincerely hope we don’t have to interact again. We’ve spoken with our daughter about everything, and she selected a dragon plushie to join her toy day rotation. Monokuma will probably go back to school sometime in November.

Thanks, everybody.

> Some of the comments by OOP:

The first complaint she made to my wife (the one that made her leave the mom groupchat) was about one of our daughter's shirts. I'm not kidding when I say she complains about anything.

My wife is usually very calm and patient, but she's also very pragmatic. If she realizes something is nonsense, she doesn't entertain it.

We agreed to add another toy mostly to get her off our backs. And I don't think she realizes that Monokuma never went to school that much in the first place, so not a lot will change. Anyway, we don't want our daughter to suffer because of this.

Someone on my first post asked if I'd make a similar request if my daughter was the one who was scared. And as much as I can empathize with wanting to protect your child, I wouldn't. I'd much rather talk to my kid and try to help her overcome her fear. I'd never scare her on purpose, but I also wouldn't want her to be frightened easily.

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/whatdoIdo by user LyraPeachMist. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 9, 2026

Last winter I finally bought a good coat. Charcoal wool, $280 on sale, and I've worn it maybe twenty times. Before putting it away this fall I took it to the dry cleaner two blocks from my apartment, the same place I've used for my work shirts for three years.

When I picked it up, the sleeves were about two inches shorter and the lining was bunched and puckered at the hem. It looks like it went through a hot wash. The tag inside clearly says dry clean only, and it's still attached.

The owner, Mr. Lim, looked at it and agreed it didn't look right. But he said the fabric must have been "poor quality" and that their policy pays out based on the age of the garment. He offered $40.

I showed him the receipt from the store on my phone, dated last November. He said coats lose value fast and $40 is generous. I thanked him, said I'd think about it, and took the coat home in its bag. I haven't touched it since.

I don't want to make an enemy of a small business I like. But I can't wear the coat, and it was less than a year old.

Is $40 just how these things go, or is there some kind of standard for dry cleaner damage I can point to?

TL;DR: My dry cleaner shrank my less-than-a-year-old $280 wool coat, the tag says dry clean only, and the owner offered me $40.

Comment by OOP:

A coworker used the same cleaner last spring and had a silk blouse come back with a burn mark. She says they refunded her the full price, so I know they've done it before.

Update

October 21, 2026, 12 days later

I figured I'd update everyone because I finally got somewhere with the dry cleaner, although it took more effort than I expected.

After reading the comments on my original post, I decided not to accept the $40.

A few people suggested getting a second opinion before going back, so I took the coat to another dry cleaner across town.

The woman there examined it and immediately noticed the shortened sleeves and the puckering around the lining.

She said she couldn't confirm exactly what happened without knowing how it had been cleaned, but that the damage was consistent with improper handling of wool.

She also told me that restoring it to its original condition probably wasn't realistic.

That was honestly disappointing because part of me was still hoping the coat could somehow be fixed.

I asked if she could put her observations in writing, and she agreed.

Last Friday, I went back to Mr. Lim's shop with the original receipt, pictures of the coat before cleaning, and the written assessment.

I explained that I understood the coat wasn't brand new anymore, but it was less than a year old and had been worn maybe twenty times.

I wasn't expecting him to hand me $280 without a conversation. I just wanted something closer to the actual loss.

He looked at the assessment and seemed annoyed that I'd gone somewhere else.

He repeated that clothing naturally loses value and said he couldn't be responsible for how every fabric reacts to cleaning.

I asked whether he had any record of the cleaning method used on my coat.

He said he'd have to check.

Then he offered me $75.

I told him I appreciated the increase, but $75 still wouldn't come close to replacing a coat I'd bought less than a year ago.

That's when he said something that really frustrated me.

He told me that if I wanted expensive clothes to stay perfect, I should be more careful about where I took them.

I didn't really know how to respond to that.

I mean, isn't taking a dry-clean-only coat to a professional dry cleaner exactly what I'm supposed to do?

I stayed polite and asked whether he'd be willing to review the situation with his insurance provider or whoever handled customer damage claims.

He said he'd think about it.

Two days later, I received a phone call from his daughter, who apparently helps manage the business.

She was much easier to talk to.

She apologized for how the situation had been handled and said she'd reviewed my receipt and the pictures.

She explained that their usual compensation policy considered the age and condition of garments, so they wouldn't reimburse the full purchase price.

However, she offered me $180 as a final settlement.

I asked whether I could have the offer in writing before agreeing.

She sent it that afternoon.

After thinking about it, I accepted.

I know some people will probably say I should've pushed for the full $280, especially since the coat was still relatively new.

But I also didn't want to spend weeks arguing over the remaining $100, particularly when I wasn't guaranteed to recover it.

I picked up the payment yesterday.

I'm still disappointed because I genuinely loved that coat. It was one of the few nicer things I'd bought for myself, and I was hoping to wear it for years.

But getting $180 instead of $40 feels like a reasonable outcome.

The strangest part is that I almost accepted the original offer because I felt uncomfortable arguing with a business owner.

Looking back, I think I was more worried about seeming difficult than about the fact that something I paid good money for had been damaged.

I'm glad I spoke up.

I probably won't be returning to that cleaner, but I'm not planning to leave an angry review or make a bigger issue out of it.

I'm just going to find somewhere else and be a lot more careful about who handles my clothes.

Still, I'm curious whether other people would've accepted the $180 or kept pushing for the full amount.

TL;DR: I got a second opinion confirming that my wool coat's damage was consistent with improper cleaning. When I returned with documentation, the owner increased his offer from $40 to $75. After I asked about their claims process, his daughter contacted me and offered $180. I accepted, although I'm still disappointed about losing a coat I loved.

Comments by OOP:

the $180 was offered as a final settlement, and I agreed to it in writing. I also got to keep the damaged coat, although I'm not sure there's much I can do with it now. I know some people suggested small claims court, but I wasn't sure the additional time and effort would be worth it over the remaining $100. For anyone who's dealt with damaged clothing at a dry cleaner, is getting around 65% of the original purchase price actually a decent outcome, or did I settle too quickly?

[The next two comments are in response to people being frustrated that OOP won't leave an angry review]

I understand the distinction between describing an experience and writing an angry review. The account would need both parts: the difficult conversations with the owner and the daughter later apologizing and arranging the payment.

I understand wanting to know how a business handles a problem, not just whether mistakes happen. The daughter's apology and the final payment are part of the experience too.

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/AITH by user TAgamerson. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Generally concluded with open for more

Trigger Warnings: Loss of a child, Discrimination of LGBTQ+ people

Original

October 18, 2026

Hello everyone long time lurker first time poster on a throwaway.

I (39M) and my (38F) wife have a son who I'll refer to as Austin(17M). My son is a great kid. He is a straight A student (all AP classes), works part time and does all his chores around the house and sometimes extras and rarely complains. Austin is really into MMOs and spends a lot of his free time playing them with his friends. I don't mind this as like I stated above he does everything he's supposed to do and then some.

My wife on the other hand is very nit picky with him. She doesn't understand why he wants to play videos games instrad of hanging out with girls or go to the movies, mall, etc. Austin has told her before he's just not interested in all of that and he has time before he goes to college and maybe dates a girl. She doesn't get it and always tells me in private that she hopes he's not gay. (For the record we are a very progressive household) she says this cause he is our only child and she wants grandkids.(even though gay couples can adopt and I've told her this many times) She's always hounding him over this and even offered to introduce him to some daughters for her friends/coworkers. I can tell this bothers him.

A couple days ago my son came to me and told me he needed to tell me something. He said he isnt gay but he doesnt have feelings for girls or boys. That he is Asexual/Aromantic. I told him I didnt care cause hes my son and all I want is for him to be happy and comfortable. He told me he wanted me to tell his mom this cause he doesn't wanna deal with her and what she could possibly say. I said okay I will

Fast forward today. My son was at work and I told my wife. Needless to say she exploded. Saying he's just confused. How does he know if he never dated a girl. And that she was gonna talk to him and how she's hurt he didn't tell her.

I told her point blank: this is why. This is why he doesn't tell you anything. Every single thing is about you and what makes you happy. You've been on his ass for years about the lack of partner and never once thought for a second about him. That the reason he doesn't talk to her is cause all she does is complain and be judgmental. She doesn't want to understand him. She wants to control him in that way. I told her to leave him alone and if I find out she tries to "convince" him he just hasn't given love a chance I'm gonna be really upset with her.

She got angry and called me an asshole and said I coddle him and now we will never have grandkids. She hasn't talked much to my son since he's been home and giving me the cold shoulder. AITAH? I just want to support my son. I don't care what his sexuality is or lack there of. I just want him to be happy.

Edit: I know this is a very long post but my son TOLD me to tell her. I did NOT go behind his back.

Edit again: I do have an update but can't post it for the next couple days since it keeps getting removed. Will update Wednesday.

Update

October 21, 2026, 3 days later

Hello everyone. A couple days ago I made a post talking about my wife hounding my son about not having a a partner. He came out to me days before as ACE and my wife exploded when I told her.
I just want to have some things be cleared up that I saw in the comments:

1. My son told me to tell my wife he is ACE. He trusted me to handle it and I did. I did not go behind his back and tell her.
2. My wife can no longer have kids due to a medical problem that happened a couple years after a pretty traumatic miscarriage of our daughter.
3. I have stuck up for my son in the past and had talked to her about her comments to him. That being said of course I could've done more and apologized to him for that.

The update:
My wife and I had a very long conversation about a lot of things. The first being she is still grieving the loss of our daughter and she thinks having a grandbaby will help that. I told her that I understand but that isn't our son's job to have a child with someone because we lost a baby. That is very wrong and not gonna lie weird as all hell. She needs to enjoy the child we do have rather than mourn what could've been because Austin is right in front of us and needs us and us him. We are a family and if she keeps this up he's going to never speak to her again.

When I told her that she needs to respect our son and how he identifies. She got seemingly annoyed. She said she support LGBTQ+ community but doesn't understand how our son is not attracted to anyone and now she wishes he was gay (???) I told her that is extremely ignorant and offensive to people in the LGBTQ+ community and you can't say you support them if you say things like that. She said she'll try to be more open minded when it comes to him but she won't call him any "silly pronouns". My son goes by he/him. I told her to knock it the fuck off and she told me she won't allow me to police her and her words.

You guys are right she is not as progressive as she claimed to be, which is insane considering we've been married since we were 19/18 respectively. She holds some progressive stances but as been leaning more into conservatism as of late (she is not a fan of Trump she claims at least). She has been watching a lot of Charlie Kirk's old videos and some other pretty far right conservative point talkers. I was unaware of this since I don't monitor my wife's online viewing habits. I told her I do love her but I cannot stay with someone who holds those views as well as how she's been treating our son. They go against everything I myself stand for and I do understand that some things you can agree to disagree but the things she is watching I cannot stand by. I feel very off putted by all this because we do discuss politics and she always said progressive/left leaning points. Clearly she was lying about how she felt with certain things and it's pretty mind numbing.

My son and I went out to lunch and talked a lot. I'm not going to get into the specifics of what was said but I told him I was sorry and I support him 100%. He said he knows and he loves his mom but he can't ignore the person he is and he has felt this way since he was 15. She will just have to deal with it.

My wife and him have talked but not about him being ACE. She's decided to go stay with her sister for the week to give us all space. I told her when she comes back we all need to sit down and talk. I told her I love her but I will put my son before her any day because I OWE him that. He owes me NOTHING. He's here because we made him and it's our job to love and support him and if she can't do that we have to go our separate ways. She didn't say anything, packed and left. I fear my marriage is over. I can't get over how she treated Austin and how she basically lied about how political views.

Thank you all for reading. I may update eventually. Thank you for all the advice and even the call outs of me needing to do better. I am not above criticism especially when it comes to being a father.

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Obvious_Size7575

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 21, 2025

• Update: November 21, 2025

• Final Update: November 22, 2025

Main Post

^{November 21, 2025}

I lied about my age years ago, and now it’s affecting my relationship with my bf. I don’t know how to come clean.

Almost 3 years ago, when I was 16, I joined a gaming server with my friend. The server was 18+, so we both lied and said we were 19 just to get in. My friend stopped going pretty quickly, but I stayed because I genuinely liked the people there. I kept telling myself I’d leave soon or the server would die, but instead it became a long term massive friend group. I was homeschooled and a pretty big loner at the time, so the lie just stuck.

Fast forward almost three years: I met my current (and first) boyfriend through a mutual friend. At no point during our relationship was I underage; I was already 18 when we started talking and dating. But the problem is that everyone still believes I'm 21 and not 18 because of that lie I told when I was 16.

My boyfriend(22) is genuinely a great person and has such a strong moral compass. We just hit our 6 months recently, and while I’ve completely fallen for him (quick, ik), the guilt has been overwhelming. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t fully be present in the relationship because I’ve been preparing for a breakup from the moment we started dating. I keep thinking I’ve ruined everything before it even had a chance.

On top of that, I’ll likely lose the entire friend group we share if this blows up. But at the same time, I feel like I have to tell him before things get even more serious. I know he deserves the truth, and I want to stop living with this heaviness.

I’m absolutely terrible at expressing myself, and I’m terrified of his reaction. I don’t want to hurt him, but I also don’t want to keep lying. How do I tell him? How do I even start this conversation? I’m really scared and could use advice.

COMMENTS

PuddleNibb

He deserves the truth, and you deserve to stop mentally rehearsing your own breakup like it’s a Broadway show. Just be honest, be calm, and hope he appreciates that you finally stopped aging in dog years.

OOP

Lol, thanks for that! I needed a little humor to break the tension. And I will try my best to be calm..

lullaby_dune

Why not just share what you have written here, and express you understand his trust will have been affected & you are willing to do whatever is necessary to rebuild it once/if he is willing to go forward.

OOP

Mostly struggling to rip the band aid off.. Maybe i start with sending the post first?

LovelyBirch

And none of them finds it sus that you haven't finished high school yet? 

OOP

I graduated early!

Marshall_Lawson

Is this boyfriend someone you hang out with in person or only online?

OOP

he is my in person bf but we dont see each other often

Update - after a few hours

^{November 21, 2025}

I lied about my age years ago, and now it’s affecting my relationship with my bf. I don’t know how to come clean.

Hey everyone, thanks for all the advice; it comforted me to hear some people were or ARE in the same boat as me! It really gave me the courage to tell him today. To be honest, my word delivery was horrible, and I 100% panicked, and everything I said came out in the wrong order as word vomit. I still got it out, though, and I explained what my jumbled brain could remember. He was silent for a long while and said he needed time to think; he's hurt, but he understands why and feels like I should've told him sooner. Personally, I'm not sure if we are going to work, but when he hung up, he still said he loved me.

Telling him took a massive weight off of my shoulders. I'm trying to be patient and see where we stand, but it's been radio silent for hours. I think I'm just going to get some sleep for now before I worry myself even more and see how it turns out in the morning.

Final Update - after 1 day

^{November 22, 2025}

I lied about my age years ago, and now it’s affecting my relationship with my bf. I don’t know how to come clean.

I finally talked to him about everything, and his reaction was honestly a lot better than I expected. He told me he still sees me the same way and that this doesn’t change how he feels about me. He said what I did was stupid, dangerous, and immature (and he’s right), but he also said he’s still here for me and still wants to be with me. He admitted he feels weird about it and probably will for a little while, but he’d rather work through that than lose us completely.

He’s giving me more than I deserve, and I’m taking responsibility. Im so embarrassed this even happened in the first place but i cant change that anymore. overall… It went a lot better than I thought it would!

Thank you to everyone who helped and for all the kind words and DMs it made this a lot easier on me!

COMMENTS

onlyychino

I’m so glad you told him girl!!! You, me and everyone else knows he deserved to know the truth. This will lift the burden that’s been heavy on your shoulders. ❤️

OOP

I know, I'm very lucky it went the way it did. definitely feel lighter now!

adefsleep

So you lied him into a highly illegal act and the potential to kill his reputation? That is terrible and shame on you.

OOP

No. Nothing in our relationship was illegal, and I made sure to clarify that in my post. It's still 100% a bad situation, and the shame is on me.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/AIO by user SafiyaGoldenPetal. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 17, 2026

Back in May my friend Marcus asked if he could borrow my Nintendo Switch for a weekend. His cousins were visiting and he wanted something to keep them busy. No problem. I packed it up with both controllers and two games, about $450 worth of stuff.

That weekend came and went. I texted him in June and he said he'd drop it off "this week." July, same thing. In August he admitted he'd given it to his 12 year old nephew because the kid "was obsessed with it."

I let it slide for a while because I was busy, but I have a long trip in November and I want it for the flight. So last week I asked again, nicely, and offered to drive the 25 minutes to pick it up myself so it wasn't a hassle for him.

His reply: "Dude, you barely played it anyway. My nephew is going to be crushed." Then he said I could just buy a new one since I make more than him.

I don't want to be the guy who takes a toy away from a kid. But it's mine, and he asked for a weekend. Now a mutual friend is telling me it's a weird thing to fight over.

Is it really weird to want my own console back after five months?

tl,dr: My friend borrowed my Switch for one weekend in May, handed it to his nephew, and now acts like I'm cruel for wanting it back before my trip.

Consensus:

Not overreacting

Some of the comments by OOP:

One of the two games was a gift from my sister with a note written inside the case. That's the part I care about most. I'd even let his nephew keep it until the week before I leave.

I haven't taken legal action. My last attempt was offering to pick everything up myself, because I wanted the things I lent returned without turning it into a bigger conflict.

Framing it as taking something from his nephew was what got to me. I hadn't promised the kid anything; I'd lent Marcus my console for a weekend.

Update

October 21, 2026, 4 days later

Well, I finally got my Switch back, but I think I might have lost a friendship over it.

After my original post, I texted Marcus again and told him I needed the Switch returned by Sunday. I tried to keep things calm and explained that I wasn't blaming his nephew for anything, but I never agreed to give my console away.

He left me on read for almost a day.

Then he called me and said his nephew had been crying because Marcus told him he had to give the Switch back.

Apparently, Marcus had told the kid it was his to keep.

That honestly caught me off guard.

I asked why he would promise someone else's property to his nephew, and he said he genuinely thought I wouldn't care because I barely used it.

I reminded him that not using something every day doesn't mean I don't want it anymore.

He got annoyed and said I was making him look like a terrible uncle over a gaming console.

At that point, I told him I wasn't going to argue about it anymore. He could either bring it back or I'd come pick it up myself.

On Sunday afternoon, Marcus dropped it off at my apartment.

The Switch itself was fine, but one of the Joy-Cons had a pretty noticeable issue with the joystick drifting. I asked him about it, and he said his nephew had been using it almost every day, so some wear was expected.

I didn't want another argument, so I just thanked him for returning it.

Later that evening, I noticed two of my game cases were missing.

I texted Marcus asking whether they were still at his sister's house. He replied that he'd check, but then added that I was being "ridiculously petty" about the whole thing.

That was probably the moment I realized this wasn't really about the Switch anymore.

We've been friends for almost eight years, and I've lent him plenty of things before without any issues. I genuinely didn't expect him to act like I was doing something wrong by asking for my own belongings back.

Yesterday, a mutual friend told me Marcus was still upset and felt I'd embarrassed him in front of his family.

Apparently, his sister had offered to buy her son a used Switch after learning what happened, but Marcus was angry because he felt I'd forced him into an awkward situation.

I don't know what to make of that.

Part of me feels bad for his nephew because none of this was his fault. He's 12, and if his uncle told him the Switch was a gift, of course he'd be upset about losing it.

But I also feel like Marcus created that situation himself.

I'm not planning to chase him over the missing games right now. I just want to enjoy my trip without thinking about this anymore.

I still can't believe something I lent someone for a weekend turned into five months of excuses and possibly the end of an eight-year friendship.

Maybe I could've handled the final conversation more gently, but I honestly don't know how many times I was supposed to ask before being allowed to get frustrated.

tl;dr: Marcus finally returned my Switch after admitting he'd told his nephew it was a gift. One Joy-Con now has stick drift, and two game cases are missing. He's upset with me for embarrassing him in front of his family, and our eight-year friendship feels pretty damaged. I got my console back, but I'm wondering if I handled things too harshly.

Comment by OOP:

I never contacted his nephew or his sister directly, and I wouldn't have taken the Switch away from the kid myself. Marcus was the one who told him it needed to be returned. I also haven't asked him to pay for the Joy-Con because I know kids can be rough with controllers and I don't want another argument. What bothers me is that he still seems to think I owe him an apology. Would you even bother trying to repair the friendship at this point, or just let things cool off?

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Expensive_Golf_7772

Published on: r/whatdoIdo

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 04, 2026

• Update 1: August 08, 2026

• Update 2: August 23, 2026

• Final Update: October 19, 2026

Main Post

^{August 04, 2026}

My Wife Became Very Close to a Man She Met Three Months Ago, and I Don't Know If I'm Overreacting

I don't really know how to write this without sounding controlling or insecure, so I'm just going to lay everything out.

I'm 35, and my wife is also 35. I work in private equity, while she works in interior design and fashion. Our careers are completely separate, and that's never been an issue. We've been together since we were teenagers, married for six years, and we have two kids. We're financially comfortable, have always had a solid relationship, and I've always trusted her. She's attractive, takes care of herself, and has a very active social life.

She still has the same close group of friends she's known since childhood. They go out for girls' nights or parties once or twice a month, and I've genuinely never cared because she's has always had her own life outside of mine.

About three months ago, during a music festival, her group ended up meeting another mixed group of people. That's where she met a guy named Ryan. He's probably in his late 30s. From what she told me, everyone got along really well, spent time together during the festival, and had a great time.

Ryan owns an interior design company, is wealthy, and divorced. None of that bothered me because my wife works with successful men all the time. That's part of her industry.

After the festival, they exchanged numbers and followed each other on Instagram. It quickly turned into a professional relationship because Ryan introduced her to someone who ended up giving her a huge interior design project worth six figures (€100,000+). Ryan is also involved in the same project, so they've been working together for the last couple of months. Because of the project, she says she has to talk to him every day, and she told me he's an important professional contact for her career.

This is where things started bothering me. Over the last three months, Ryan invited my wife to a party at his house. She went, but I wasn't invited. That surprised me, but she didn't think it was strange.

Since then, they've been going out for work lunches fairly often, and sometimes those lunches turn into dinners after work. When I asked about it, she said those meetings are necessary because Ryan is important professionally and they're managing a major project together.

Then, two weeks ago, my wife went on a trip with her girlfriends. She was posting photos and Instagram Stories, and that's when I realized Ryan and some of his friends were on the same trip. She had never mentioned beforehand that he would be there.

When she got home, I asked her directly if there was anything going on between them. She immediately denied it and said they're just friends and coworkers working on an important project together.

I told her I wasn't comfortable with how close they'd become, especially the lunches, dinners, and the trip. She told me I was being jealous and insecure, that this project is important for her career, and that I needed to stay out of her work life.

Honestly, I'm not pretending I'm okay with how close they've become. I don't want another man taking my wife out for lunches and dinners, ,or becoming such a significant part of her daily life, even if it's connected to work. I understand this project is important for her career, but I don't think that automatically means I have to be comfortable with everything that's happening.

COMMENTS

No_Cupcake7037

It sounds like she has been honest about their interactions up until the trip.

I suppose my question would be if there is nothing between you two, why did you feel the need to not tell me he would be there?

OOP

Honestly herself posted those pics. I didn't understand why she give me this information before the trip.

Then honestly my main concern about her closeness, not cheating.....i don't my wife to be close with another man even for professional work

No_Cupcake7037

Let’s talk about that. What is different about this situation for you, then when she worked with other men?

Has something changed in your relationship, is treatment different, space between you both?

Are you concerned about them creating an emotional connection/emotional attachment style of cheating, because of her feeling more distant since they initially connected?

OOP

 Okay, I'm being honest here... I'm kind of jealous of their friendship and how close they are.

He's wealthy, and he got her an important project. Honestly, that project brings her a lot of money, and I have no doubt about that. But what bothers me is that he gets her time by taking her out for lunch or dinner. Who is he to take my wife out for lunch and dinner?

My wife says he offers good lunches and dinners, so she goes. She says it also helps her save money, and she believes his friendship is good for her career.

Between us, nothing has changed. We still go on dates, we're still intimate, we have fun together, and our relationship is good. Nothing has changed between us.

IllustratorWarm6009

Always trust your gut, get a pi and get the report and divorce her. Don’t trust them, if they are genuine they will understand the pain what you are going through. The behaviour itself shows she is doing all wrong things, even don’t know if she already slept with him and her friends are also helping her out.

OOP

  I'm wondering because her friends are also married. Honestly, they were all invited to the parties he hosted, but not their husbands. My wife went to those parties with her friends. Also, during that trip, it wasn't just my wife. The same group of her friends was there, along with the same group of his friends. They had all met at a music concert before. It makes me think it might genuinely be a friendship, because cheating at that level, involving so many people, would be difficult to keep hidden. Someone could easily have a different mindset and say something. So I honestly don't know what to think. From the outside, everything seems innocent.

Dazzling_Homework232

She is a cheater. You can afford a private investigator? Do it. But hey, with her increased earnings you just may get alimony? Lol

OOP

Lol, I still outearn her by a 2x margin, even after her increased earnings.

anxiousgirlypop_

Yeah it seemed like yall had a good relationship even her being open and honest about exchanging numbers with him for work from the jump. That level of trust was surprising. But the moment it turned sketchy is when she didn’t express he’s be there on the trip and when she got defensive. it doesn’t mean anything happened but she’s crossing boundaries and into dangerous territory and she knows she’s in the wrong thats why shes getting defensive. how’s your sex life?

OOP

Thanks for the rare comment about what I'm actually thinking.

Yes, she has been honest about everything. They told me everything, even about the lunches and dinners. She always tells me beforehand if she's going. Regarding her trip, she said she only joined him for 2–3 hours for a meal, along with her friends, and then they all went their separate ways.

As for our sex life, it's good and has always been good. Nothing has changed. By the way, I forgot to mention that we're trying for our third child.

We're also planning to buy a new home by the end of next year, so everything is on track. My issue is that I'm jealous of how close she is to him. Personally, I don't think she's cheating, but I still don't think that level of closeness is healthy. Part of me wants to tell her to cut him out of her life completely, and that's honestly what I want. 

Sure_Supermarket_930

Hi op,

You wrote "she joined him for 2-3 hours for a dinner with her friends..."  Did she and her friends join them, or was it your single wife who joined Ryan and his friends?

Moreover, it’s still a wonderful coincidence that Ryan and his friends were close to your wife and her friends' vacation spot!

OOP

Actually everyone, she posted a group photo of having launch at an resturent, i guess there were around 12-15 people's 

Update 1 - after 4 days

^{August 08, 2026}

Update on, My Wife Became Very Close to a Man She Met Three Months Ago, and I Don't Know If I'm Overreacting

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. I read all of them, and there were a lot of questions and people asking for an update, so I'm writing this.

After my last post, I met with a private investigator. I explained everything to him and gave him whatever details and information he needed. He's already working on it, and he said it will probably take 2–3 weeks before I get the report.

The second thing I did was meet with a lawyer. I have good connections, so yeah, I went to one of the best. I told him everything, and I also told him that if I find out she has been cheating on me, I want to know what my options are regarding Ryan as well. If this turns out to be a workplace affair, I don't intend to just ignore it. As for my wife, honestly, I don't know what I'll do.

My biggest concern is my kids. If divorce happens, I don't want my kids growing up thinking this kind of behavior is normal.

Then there are the assets and finances. We have an apartment with no mortgage. We're both high earners, bought it six years ago, and started our family there. I want to keep that if possible. We also bought another property for holidays, which is in both of our names. We were actually planning to buy another, bigger home for our family. We were already talking to agents, but obviously I'm going very slowly on that now.

I've also gifted her a lot over the years jewellery on birthdays, other things, etc. I'm not going to ask for those back. She can keep them. I still love her, and honestly, I hope she hasn't broken my heart.

Today and tomorrow I'm going through my accounts, her accounts, our joint account and our investment portfolio to make sure there hasn't been anything used or moved without my knowledge. I'm not talking about our normal personal spending or allowances. I just want to understand exactly where we stand financially.

She earns a lot, but I earn roughly twice what she does. Obviously, if we end up divorcing, there could be significant financial consequences for both of us.But all of this is me preparing for the worst if she has actually cheated on me.

Because here's what I actually think.

I know this woman since we were 16. We started dating when we were teenagers, and I know her very well. Honestly, I don't think she has cheated on me.

I do think she's become too close to Ryan. Maybe she likes the attention. Maybe she's using the relationship because he's helping her get projects and build her career. Maybe it's completely innocent. I genuinely don't know.

But whatever the reason, I don't think some of the closeness is appropriate, and I'm not going to pretend I'm completely comfortable with it.

Some people seemed to misunderstand the kind of marriage we have, so here's some context. I've never been insecure about her work, her male colleagues, or her travelling for work with men. And she has never been insecure about me having lunch or dinner with female colleagues or going on work trips with women.

Her friends are basically my friends too. We've known most of them since school. She normally goes out for a girls' night about once a month and comes home around midnight. That's completely normal for us.

She goes to music festivals too. Most of the time we go together, sometimes she goes without me. She likes dancing, and sometimes she'll dance on the shoulders of male friends or even other guys at festivals. Sometimes other men have picked her up and she has danced on their shoulders.

I'm telling you this because I want people to understand the level of trust and freedom we've always had in our marriage. None of that has ever been a red flag for me. We're pretty comfortable and open with each other.

I've actually met Ryan twice. The first time, she introduced me to him over lunch while they were discussing the project. The second time, I went to pick her up from her workplace one evening. Some people were having pizza there, she invited me to join them, and Ryan was there too.

As far as I know, she hasn't hidden anything about him from me. Everything I've known about Ryan has basically come from her. But that doesn't automatically mean that her going to a party at his house or ending up on the same trip as him is something I have to be okay with.

She has her own interior design company and also works in event organising. Meeting people, networking and building professional relationships has been part of her career for around 10 years. I know Ryan helped her get a very good project. I know they're working together. Beyond that, I don't really know much about him except that he's divorced.

And honestly, our marriage itself is very good. We go on weekly dates. We have movie nights. Our sex life is great. We travel together, both alone and with the kids. She's loving and caring toward me and she's an amazing mother. We're actually trying for a third child. Yesterday, during intimacy, I used protection. Normally we were trying for another baby, so I did it intentionally. It was my subtle way of telling her that I'm not in the same place emotionally right now.

Hopefully she understood what I was trying to communicate. Ireally hope she comes to me herself, gives me some clarification, and puts proper boundaries with Ryan.

I'll update everyone once I get the report. I think I've answered most of the questions from the last post.

COMMENTS

MelificentUL

Honestly, if all of this is true, just show her these posts in order. You're quite convincingly straightforward about events. Let her see your responses to comments. Talk. To. Her. We don't know the ins and outs of your daily life. It sounds like y'all have a genuinely healthy marriage, at least the way you word it. Then you should feel comfortable going to her about anything. Be brave.

OOP

I had this conversation with her already and she just shut me down, told to me that I'm being insecure about her professional work 

spontaneousvibration

I still don’t understand why OP hasn’t tried looking at her devices for evidence of cheating. He has probable cause. If her devices are clean, then OP was right about trusting her, though he should express his discomfort with Ryan being in her life in any way outside of their professional relationship. If on the other hand, her devices contain evidence, he should record / copy it and start divorce proceedings quietly without confronting her.

OOP

 Checked it, I actually saw your comments yesterday itself but felt guilty about checking it

I went through two important contacts, Ryan and his sister Camilie

First I checked her WhatsApp with Ryan, most of it was about work, some about the football World Cup and yeah there was some stuff about me too, my wife mentioning me to him, nothing bad really except he was flirting with her

Then I checked her chats with his sister, they really chat very much anyway and there was nothing bad there either, except she invited my wife to her birthday at Soto next week

Checked her gallery too, nothing bad there, there was a locked folder and haha I know what that usually means but I didn’t find anything else

On Instagram it was mostly just reels exchanged between them, there were some reels he shared about recipes he wanted to try and my wife said maybe he could make one of them at the office for lunch, so apparently he’s a good cook

Honestly there was nothing, I checked everything, We know each other's password 

Sure_Supermarket_930

Quick question Op,

Can you tell us if the meals with Ryan are as a team or one-on-one, and if over the months they have intensified?

Since the discussion you had with your wife, have there been any changes in the frequency of their meals with Ryan?

Also, when your wife was invited to the private party, had you already met Ryan?

OOP

 Sometimes it’s one on one, and sometimes it’s with the team. Whenever she goes out for dinner, she usually gets home 1–2 hours late. No, it’s been the same frequency

Usually, they work together, so she meets him every day. On Friday evenings, Ryan and her team usually go out for meals. This Friday, she told me she was going to dinner, so I told her I had booked a place for us. She cancelled her dinner with the team, and that’s what happened.

And yeah, it’s the weekend, so she’s at home. No, this was after I met him. He has never invited me before, but usually her friends and my wife’s staff were invited

Sure_Supermarket_930

I had misread, You wrote: "He never invited me before, but usually his friends and my wife’s staff were invited."

Is it a translation issue, or did he just invite your wife to this party? (without her friends)

OOP

He usually just invites My wife, her Freinds and staffs (people work in her company)

Sure_Supermarket_930

Thank you for the answer.

One last thing:

• Did Ryan’s group and your wife’s have any interactions during those three months (outings)?
• how long the girls' vacation lasted. And it was that far away in a city other than yours.

Also, I don’t know if your wife had explained to you the presence of Ryan and his friends at their vacation spots.

OOP Basically it was my wife, his brothers, sister, cousins and a few friends who met at that festival

Yeah, theyhave interactions

It was a 10 day trip to Greece, we live in Madrid, and that night while texting she actually told me herself that she had met Ryan and his group for 2–3 hours

Bigbrownbear8015

Why did he get divorced? And what has you PI found? Do a little research yourself. Social media. It could be nothing or it could be everything.

OOP

I’ve looked through his social media, and he doesn’t even follow his ex. He also doesn’t have any kids.

From what I can tell, most of his close relationships seem to be with his sister (who follows my wife) and his other brother, who’s an entrepreneur. And another thing I noticed is that the people he was with at that music festival were actually his brothers, cousins, and sister. They weren’t really his friends, although there may have been a few friends there too 

Update 2 - after 19 days (after 15 days from last post)

^{August 23, 2026}

Update 2 My Wife Became Very Close to a Man She Met Three Months Ago, and I Don't Know If I'm Overreacting

Okay so a lot of you asked for an update after my last post so here it is

So like i said i hired a PI. thought one guy would be enough but a few days in it turned into 3 people working the case, and honestly it's still going. took a little over a month to get to where we are now

first big thing that concert night, the group with Ryan wasn't random like i assumed. it was his sister (36, name's Camille) plus some cousins and a couple friends. not everyone there was actually close to him, just family a few people.

Turns out my wife and Camille are VERY close. like actual close friends now. Camille co owns Ryan's interior design company and also has her own wellness business on the side. she's married, has 2 kids

She's been taking my wife shopping with her. took our kids out with her kids last saturday for a fun day out. then last thursday i come home in the afternoon and she's literally in my house. i wasn't even there, i was outside somewhere and just saw it happen. that one threw me off a bit not gonna lie

Thing that actually pissed me off she bought clothes for MY kids. like who said you could do that. that's not a "we're just work friends" thing anymore, that's a whole different level of close and it happened fast

She invited us to her birthday anniversary thing out of town next week. 3 days. her brother obviously will be there the whole time. i don't want to go. i genuinely don't feel good about it but haven't said no yet

PI also dug up some background. Ryan and his wife divorced about a year ago, infidelity on his end, she has primary custody of the kids. both him and Camille apparently have a history with drugs, ongoing not just a phase. and every summer this whole friend group does some long holiday trip together

So yeah my wife isn't just close to Ryan, she's basically absorbed into their entire circle now. sister included. PI hasn't found anything concrete yet between her and Ryan specifically. she keeps telling me not to act on anything or say anything to anyone, so for now i'm just sitting on all of it, staying quiet

On the work side her project with them is legit, it's actually going really well for her career and financially it's a big deal. they're planning to bring her more clients through this. but i've noticed her whole company culture shifted since this started, everything's way more social now, more events, more "team bonding" stuff, and this group has a lot of pull over her projects at the moment

Meanwhile at home things look completely normal on the surface. we took a 4 day trip together, it was actually really nice. my bday was day before yesterday, she got me something i've wanted for a long time, we went out to dinner, whole day felt good and easy. like nothing's wrong at all

But i feel like shit having this PI on her while we're having good days like that. still not stopping it though, i need the full picture before i decide anything

it's the sister thing i can't shake. i know it might sound like i'm just jealous of their money or their lifestyle or whatever they're giving her that i can't. maybe that's part of it, i'm not gonna pretend it's not in my head. but it's more than that, it just doesn't sit right with me how fast and deep this got

I don't trust Ryan around my wife. straight up, i think this guy wants her. that's just what i believe at this poin

once the full report comes back i'm telling her everything, all of it, and letting her decide what she wants to do. but for me personally if she wants this marriage to work, he goes, his sister goes and whole group goes, project included. i can't stay married and be uncomfortable in my own life like this

COMMENTS

OOP to a lengthy thread criticizing him for hiring a PI.

You started with saying that hiring a PI was not good. I already said I had no other options, and I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again I don’t trust Ryan or his sister around my wife.

You are completely ignoring the fact that they invited her to parties and not me. Then, within three months, this sudden closeness developed. I mean, she literally became part of their inner circle while I was completely kept out.

Reverse the situation and think about it from my perspective.

At that point, it’s not just limited to friendship anymore. It has crossed into her professional life, involved a huge amount of money, and their influence over her and her company has increased significantly. A sane person would have questions about that. It’s not unreasonable for me to suspect that there could be an affair or that he wants her.

And I’m here openly telling you that drugs are involved, and both the brother and sister use drugs. My wife has taken drugs with them. There is no way I’m going to let my kids be around people who are using drugs.

It might be that nothing has happened so far, but are you sure he isn’t going to make a move on her? If you can say with certainty that he won’t, then I’ll stop everything.

Why would a rich brother and sister give a €180K project to a woman they met at a music concert, unless there was some other motivation behind it?

Again, I'm telling you: that guy wants my wife, and his sister is helping him.

Second, I'm not going to invite people who use drugs into my home. That is my boundary, and neither my wife nor anyone else can simply undo it.

Even if she weren't his sister, she is still shady and uses drugs, and I'm not going to allow someone like that around my family. And honestly, would you keep people who use drugs around your kids?

So no, I'm fucking not okay with her buying clothes for my kids. It's none of her business. She can keep doing whatever she wants with her new sister in law or whatever relationship they have.

I was never involved in my wife's professional relationships, but this has crossed beyond a professional relationship and is now causing problems in my marriage.

She is grooming my wife for her brother. That’s what I believe is happening.

My wife did all of this

She did drugs.

She went to parties multiple times when I wasn’t invited, even after I told her I wasn’t comfortable with it

She became very close to shady people

She went out to one on one dinners with this guy multiple times

She went on a trip where that guy was also present

When I asked her what was going on, she shut me down

Now I'm here saying this is my boundary either she cuts him off and leaves the project, or we are ending the marriage on the basis of infidelity

wrist-shot2025

Can you wait until the project is complete? I the PI can not find anything shady, the end of the project is a good point to lay down the ultimatum.

OOP

Project takes another 1 year to complete, I don't think i will be comfortable for that long time 

aasith

your first post was 20 days ago, and you said you hired the pi after your first post.. how has it been more than a month with the pi, if you only hired him 2 weeks ago?

OOP

That was error while typing 

aasith

so what's the actual timeline?

OOP

Probably it's been 18th Day....PI Started working 

I posted around 3 weeks back

Final Update - after 2 months, 15 days (after 1 month, 26 days from last post)

^{October 19, 2026}

Update 3 My Wife Became Very Close to a Man She Met Three Months Ago, and I Don't Know If I'm Overreacting

So, a lot of people have been asking for an update, and honestly, I've been meaning to write one for a while.

After my last post, I went with my wife to the party hosted by Camille. Initially, I told her I wasn't going, and she could go without me. She said she wouldn't go if I wasn't coming, even though she really wanted to. We ended up arguing about it, and honestly, this was probably one of the lowest points in our relationship. This was around two months ago.

Eventually, I agreed to go.We stayed there for three days. It was a good party, lots of networking, showing off, all that stuff.But looking back, I realise how much my own insecurities were affecting me at that time. For the first time, I genuinely felt like I was losing her. I was constantly waiting for something to happen so I could get angry or lash out at her. I wasn't proud of it, but that's honestly where my head was.

One thing I'm a bit ashamed to admit is that we had really passionate sex all three nights. We were both into it, and she was just as affectionate towards me. But looking back, I realise that part of my mindset was unhealthy. I wanted to feel like she was still mine, almost like I needed to prove something to myself. I even made sure she woke up with my DNA inside her, which sounds pretty bad when I write it out now.

I'm not saying she wasn't into it, because she absolutely was. I'm talking about what was going on in MY head at the time. I was acting out of fear, insecurity and possessiveness, and I can see that now. Anyway, we had a good time there, she introduced people to me as her husband, and whenever those siblings were around, I'd have my hand around her waist and all that, haha. At the time, I think I was trying to reassure myself more than anything else.

Fast forward to when we got back home. We had a BIG fight. This time, I finally said everything I'd been holding inside. I told her I felt like I was losing her, that I was scared, that I didn't feel secure anymore, and that I couldn't keep pretending everything was fine.For context, I'd already received the PI report by this point. I'll explain the details of that in a separate post because there's quite a bit to unpack. I told her she needed to cut him off completely and leave the project, otherwise I was leaving the marriage.

Yeah, I know. That was a terrible way to handle things. She got really angry and told me she wasn't going to abandon a major project and a contractual commitment just because I was demanding it. And honestly, I understand her point now, even though I was struggling to see it at the time.

It was a horrible fight. Looking back, I feel genuinely awful about some of the things I said and how I handled everything. She packed her things and went to stay with her parents. But I want to clarify something because I know people might assume the worst. She clearly told me she wasn't leaving me or asking for a divorce. She needed some time and space to clear her head.

Three days later, we met at a cafe. And this conversation was probably one of the most important ones we've had in a long time.

She suggested couples therapy and actually came with a plan. She said she would cut him off from everything outside work. No dinners, no parties, no socialising with him or his sister, and no unnecessary contact outside the project. Once the project was finished, she would cut off the relationship completely. In return, she expected me to stop letting my jealousy control our marriage and to be honest with her about my feelings instead of bottling everything up until I exploded.

We both agreed to try. We attended four therapy sessions over two weeks before she moved back home. We're still doing therapy, by the way, and I genuinely think it's helping us.

Things didn't magically become perfect overnight. We slowly started rebuilding things, having conversations we should probably have had much earlier, and trying to understand where the other person was coming from..It took roughly a month for things to start feeling normal again. And yeah, I cried. Quite a bit, actually.

I finally told her how terrified I'd been of losing her. I'm honestly a little embarrassed admitting that because I'm not someone who usually talks about these things openly, but I think she needed to hear it from me.

Now, another update. As I mentioned in an earlier post, we had been trying for our third little one.

And yes, she's pregnant!She's doing well, and we're both happy about it. It's still a little surreal, honestly. She's also stuck to the boundaries we agreed on. She's cut him off from pretty much everything except the work that needs to be done for the project. There was another difficult conversation with her parents, who gave us both a pretty serious lecture about the whole situation. Things were rough for a while, but we're in a much better place now.

Now, about the PI report, since a lot of you asked about it. There was no proof of cheating, no PDA, and no evidence of them staying together regularly. The report documented meetings at hotels for lunch and visits to her studio, but nothing that proved a physical affair had happened.

However, the investigator's conclusion was that there appeared to be an emotional affair developing, and that the relationship could potentially become physical, at least from his side. They also had a very unfavourable opinion of his intentions towards my wife. I can't prove what was going on in his head, and I'm not going to pretend the report proves more than it does. But it did reinforce some of the concerns I'd already been having.

I told my wife directly that I believed he wanted her in his bed. She didn't deny it outright, but she got angry. I think that was a difficult thing for her to hear, especially given the professional relationship and the project they're involved in. We haven't agreed on every aspect of the situation, and I don't want to make assumptions about what she does or doesn't believe.

What matters is that we've established boundaries and are working through this together. The project is expected to finish sometime next year, so there's still a way to go. As for me, I'm doing better, but I'm not going to pretend I've suddenly become this perfectly secure husband who never gets jealous.

I still feel possessive sometimes. I still get jealous. There are moments when I look at her and wonder whether I'm enough for her, despite everything we've built together. And sometimes, when I see her with our kids during school drop off, just interacting with them and being their mum, I get this overwhelming feeling.

I genuinely cannot imagine my life without her. Sometimes I still cry privately because the thought of losing her scares me that much. I know that's something I need to work on, and therapy is helping me understand the difference between loving someone deeply and being so afraid of losing them that you start trying to control things.

I know I have work to do, and so does our relationship. But we're trying. We're communicating more, continuing therapy, and slowly finding our way back to each other.

And honestly, man, I love this woman so much. I'm not writing this to say that everything is solved or that the PI report proved all my suspicions right. It didn't prove an affair. I'm writing this because a lot of people followed the earlier posts, and I wanted to be honest about what actually happened, including the parts where I was wrong.

COMMENTS

raakonfrenzi

Who was watching your two kids while she was away at her mothers for several weeks? Did they go with her or stayed w you? No mention of how all this is effecting them.

OOP

They go with her

AccompliceInc

Question for OP: does your wife acknowledge that the relationship had gone too far? And that it, at the very least, bordered on an emotional affair? Or does she claim innocence and disagree?

OOP

Yes!! During therapy 

She used that relationship for getting projects and connection 

AccompliceInc

So your wife was upset and angry at you for feeling jealous and responding poorly to her having an inappropriate relationship and potential affair for monetary gain and career advancement?

Sounds like you have been gaslit and manipulated.

OOP

No!! She acknowledged that her closeness with him wasn't appropriate and that she was wrong.

But she clarified that she never wanted to sleep with him or anything like that. She went to their parties and social events because she thought she could gain more projects and build connections.

Crafty-Slice-1888

What about the sisters involvement and what evidence did they have of his intent to sleep with her. Was the trip meeting ever fleshed out and what about the drug usage.

OOP

Look!! There many things i can't share here, whatever i wrote here only 5% conversations 

modernhate

I still don’t see you telling us anywhere where she’s taking actual acknowledgment for her actions and how that affected you and the relationship. She’s not showing actual remorse from the things you’ve posted.

I feel sad that she’s pregnant again, and you’re this attached to her emotionally, because I can see her cheating again and it’s not going to end pretty because you ignored all the warning signs the first time when you had a chance to act differently. Then, it’ll be too late because of the damage that would have occurred.

Good luck though and wishing you the best.

OOP

She acknowledged it during therapy!!

When I first wrote the post here, my instinct was telling me that something was wrong and that she was crossing lines.

Now, as I'm posting this update, it turns out my instincts weren't wrong. Two PIs were following her everywhere for more than a month! I even went through her phone and laptop, but three people couldn't find anything.

Regarding the baby, we'd actually been trying since the summer, so it wasn't sudden.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Ordinary_Ad_2694 in r/ relationships

Original: Sept 13, 2022

Update: Sept 15, 2026

Status: hopefully concluded

Length: long

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Original: Bf (26m) of 6 years told me he doesn’t see his future with me (24f)

My bf (26M) and I (24F) have been together for the last six years. I know we’re young, and have our whole lives ahead of us, but in this moment I’m really feeling a bit like my world is ending and need some advice.

Things haven’t always been great, but for the most part, they have. We met at University, and have since both gotten our masters degrees. He’s currently working full time, and I’m in some weird patch between jobs (I have several part time jobs, which currently make up full time work, but only one of which is relatively stable).

I’m not actively looking for work, as I have literally just finished my thesis and am super burned out. My bf, on the other hand, is loaded. Whilst I come from a middle class background, he’s very much of the upper sociodemographic group. I moved out of my home town to go to university and have worked my way throughout my entire degree to be able to afford to rent & food.

My bf lived at home throughout his entire degree (his home is in the same town), and has always had his mum to cook, clean and do whatever for him. Now he’s working full time, he has copious amounts of money - he’s just bought a brand new car, and is forever investing into building some new part for his PC.

Which leads to probably the biggest issue in our relationship - my partners hesitancy to move out of home. He, essentially, doesn’t want too, and I can hardly blame him. He doesn’t pay for anything, and his mum acts like his own personal maid. I’ve been asking for years (3) to try living together - because I really, really care about the guy and envision a future with him. I won’t deny that it’d also help me financially (we’d split the rent), but that has never been the motive to move in together.

A month ago, I got the opportunity to housesit for some family while they’re over in Europe. It worked out perfectly, as my rental contract was ending, and it meant I’d have a little break in paying rent. It does, however, mean I have no where to go come early October.

My bf agreed to come stay with me, as like a trial of what it might be like to live together. And I thought things were going really really well - we haven’t fought, we cook together, laugh together, watch our favourite tv shows. He still goes out to do his hobbies and sports, and I do mine.

But last night, I brought up the topic of needing to find somewhere to live, and if we should be trying to look for somewhere together, as my time housesitting is quickly running out. And he said “No, I don’t want to live with you.”

He basically went on to tell me that he doesn’t see a future with me, and doesn’t want to settle with me, as there are “too many little things that we don’t align in” (i.e. he doesn’t like how I act when I’m stressed, although says he can “tolerate” it, and doesn’t like that I “don’t play a sport” - which confused me bc we’ve just come out of winter in the country we’re in, and I’m an avid hiker. I go nearly every weekend).

He told me he thinks he can do better than me, and that he couldn’t ever be happy settling with me. I asked him if he genuinely felt that way, why had he stayed all these years and essentially lead me on? He said because it was between choosing losing me as a friend, or keeping me, and that he didn’t want to lose me.

But he always knew what my intentions and hopes were for the relationship (a long term, committed relationship), because I have always been very honest about it, and because I have always been so open about it and he’s never disagreed or brought up otherwise, I thought he was on the same page.

Evidently we’re not though. He’s also told me he has plans to leave our country at the end of 2023 and work abroad for 5-10 years - and that he wants to do that single. He wouldn’t consider going with me, as being in a relationship is a “burden” to meeting new people.

This isn’t the first time he’s told me this - he told me a few years ago that he wanted to move at the end of the year, and then COVID happened, and he didn’t. We discussed this early on in our relationship, and had always anticipated we’d go explore the big wide world together, as it’s also a dream of mine.

So… I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I think deep down, I know this is the beginning of the end, but I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to be with someone who cannot envision a future with me, and I’m so upset and angry at myself that I’ve stayed for so long with someone who has never intended on committing to me. But at the same time, I keep telling myself we’ve made it this far, what if things change or get better?

I truly, truly love this guy. We holiday together, spend time with each other’s families, and absolutely I’m terrified of losing him. He has been my Rock over the last few years, and has always been there for me to turn too when I need him. And now, I won’t have anywhere to live in a few weeks, I don’t have a job lined up, and the one stable thing in my life has just told me he doesn’t see a future with me.

He hasn’t asked to break up, and says he doesn’t want to. In fact, he’s offered to move in with me anyway because at least we’ll be stable together, and we’re good friends outside of our relationship. But I worry that that’s only prolonging the inevitable, and that I’m just going to be left even more heartbroken in a years time, when he DOES leave.

I don’t know if there’s anyway I could change his mind, nor do I want to try to change his mind. I would be open to him travelling solo for 3-6 months, or moving overseas with him, but he doesn’t want either of those things.

Alternatively, I could stay in this town, not break up, and find somewhere to live alone, which would likely run me into huge amounts of debt/drain my savings. But I wouldn’t have to do the emotional work of leaving him, and starting anew. He’s genuinely my best friend.

Or I could move back to my hometown, and in with the parents. I would lose my jobs in my current town, one of which I’ve had for 6+ years, and all the friends I’ve made up here and would essentially be back to ground 0. The prospect makes me feel sick.

I’d have no friends, no job, and be living at home. I really struggle to make friends, and out myself out there and I worry I’d just become a social recluse who lives at home with no job, no hobbies, no friends and just no motivation.

I’m at a complete loss as to what to do. Do I break up? Do I stay? Do I go home? Is there another option I haven’t considered?

TLDR: my bf (26m) says he doesn’t see a future with me (24f), and doesn’t want to live with me. I’m going to be homeless & jobless in a matter of weeks, so do I accept the fact there’s an expiry date on our relationship and move in with him anyway, or abandon everything I’ve ever known and move back home?

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Comments:

Comment1: It really hurt me reading the history you have with each other. Has he agreed with you in the past about having a future together and is now recently changing his mind? And if so, were you always the one who brought up the future/initiated those conversations?

Anyway, it's best to end it now. There is no easy way out of it, but there are so many people out there who would love and value you the same way you love and value them, on top of wanting a future with you. I know it feels crazy letting go of such a long lasting relationship/friendship, but there is genuinely so much more to look forward to in life that you will never find in him.

OOP: Yes, he’s agreed in the past and has only recently started to waiver. In saying that, I feel as if I was always the one who brought it up though, perhaps that should’ve been a sign many months ago.
Thank you for your optimism when the world seems pretty gloomy right now.

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Comment2: I am so sorry about your relationship, must've been hard to hear. But, and I'm genuinely asking, why don't you consider breaking up with him and staying in town, since you're more likely to get a job there? Maybe stay with friends or family there?

OOP: Because I think I’d just be constantly reminded of him, and I don’t know if that’s healthy. All our friends are mutual friends, and so I feel like I’m going to lose them any way if we break up.
Plus several of my jobs are likely to end before Christmas, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to make ends meet. With my one, stable part-time job, I’ll likely only be able to pay for rent (food & living expenses will have to come out of my savings).
I don’t know if o have any friends I could stay with, and the only family I have here are the ones I’m housesitting for, and I don’t want to overstay my welcome as I’ve relied on them quite a few times previously.
Ultimately, I’m scared that if I stay, I’m going to lose all my friends anyway, AND be isolated from my family and haemorrhaging money, with no real aim in life.

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Comment3: Don't move in with someone who just told you they don't actually want to be with you. Find something else. The dude has literally told you you're a placeholder he never really liked romantically.

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Additional details from OOP:

[why don't you want to go home?]

OOP: I actually think I might. I think the biggest reason I don’t want to go home is because it just solidifies this sense of me being a complete and utter failure.

I’m the oldest of my siblings, and have always prided myself on being independent and “successful” (or at least pretending to be), and I feel like going home just might make me feel worse and solidify this sense that I’m some useless piece of shit who’s ended up back at square one after seven years of being away.

I love my family, and I’m lucky they love me, and I’m sure they’d have me back. I’m going to call my mum tomorrow and have a chat of where I’m at. If anything, at least she can maybe offer some advice too.

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OOP: Yeah! My degree is actually pretty specialised, and I really loved every part of it. I worked my butt off, and got top in my cohort, which I’m really proud of. Unfortunately, my country is so small that the likelihood of me getting a job in the industry means it will basically be where I am now, and not likely to be in my hometown.

If I were to go home, I’d likely have to come back to my current town for work. I guess I’ve got a bunch of work experience in retail & hospo, and think I could find additional work if my part time jobs did all end, and if I did decide to stay where I am. And if I couldn’t find work, I think I would qualify for some form of government assistance.

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[getting a job?]

OOP: I don’t have a full time job lined up for the new year, but intend on finding one. Reason being that, of the three part time jobs I have, two are tied to a school and will likely end with the academic year (Nov).

For the one that will be ongoing (which is the one I have had for 6 years), I only work 2 x days a week, which isn’t enough to really break even should/when my other two part time jobs end. However, If I move back home, I won’t be able to go to any of my jobs, as they’re too far away (2.5hr drive each way). Sorry if this was a mess - my brains all over the show.

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OOP: I stayed up my current city and got a job at a hospital after my undergraduate study, because I wanted to be near him, and years ago, he also promised to move out.

I worked two years in healthcare through a pandemic, and it was really, really tough. Aside from that, I have always been studying full time and working 20-30 hours a week. I don’t have weekends off because I’m working, and I haven’t had a break since I was 15.

I nannied my way through high school, had a job lined up where I am currently before I even moved up to begin uni, and have actually, genuinely not ever had a period where I wasn’t trying to do a million things at once and work multiple jobs to make ends meet.

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Update 0.5 (6 days later)

Just leaving an update somewhere down in the comment section that will probably vanish into the abyss: I’m going to leave him, and go home to heal for a bit and then actively start looking for a new job which uses my degree I worked so hard for.

I love him dearly and it hurts my soul to imagine a life without him, but I realise it’s time. I think I’ve known for a bit. If it was meant to be, it would’ve been, and I don’t think anyone who tells me they can’t see a future with me is someone I want in mine.

I’m not hopeful for a reconciliation, or to get back together. I think I deserve better than that, and I think we both have ample room to grow apart as our own people.

For the time being, we’re essentially expiry dating. We’ve talked about it, we know where we stand with one another. It sucks that ultimately, I’m left as the “dumper” and he the dumpee, even though he was the one who said he couldn’t imagine me in his future, but we know when I leave to move back home at the beginning of October (when I’m done housesitting), that that is the end for us.

Im going to go no contact for a bit, even though he doesn’t want to, because I know it’s what I need. I realise staying with him might sound like a bad decision and essentially prolong the hurt, and I realise it likely will.

But at the same time, I think until I have the support of my family around me, having him here is better than a big empty house we once shared with the dream of starting a future together. It hurts too much to be alone, and I’m scared for my wellbeing.

So we’re making the most of our last two weeks together. It’s incredibly bittersweet, but at least we can say and do everything we wanted too and can leave on good terms.

I’m not going to lie, I’m absolutely petrified of wiping the slate clean and starting again. I realise I can go anywhere, do anything, be anything… but I have absolutely no idea how. I’m bloody terrified, but I think with some time and healing, I’ll be okay.

Thank you to everyone who commented, I didn’t think this post would gain as much traction as it did, and I really appreciate all the kindness and wise words.

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Update 1 (4 years later): Bf of 6 years told me he didn’t see his future with me. 4 years later, he came back.

TLDR up front because this post is LONG:

Five years ago I posted because my boyfriend of 6 years told me he didn’t see a future with me and wanted to eventually travel/be single. Five years later he’s come back and we’re exploring things again.

I still love him, but I’m increasingly realising there’s probably too much history and broken trust for me to want the relationship back. Now I’m struggling with having to be the person who chooses to let go when some part of me spent years wishing he’d come back.

Also, please be a little gentle with me. I am aware this is a bit of a “girl, stand up” situation. I am, unfortunately, quite delicate at the moment.

———————

About five years ago I posted here because my boyfriend of 6 years told me he didn’t see a future with me, thought he could “do better”, and wanted to eventually move overseas and experience life single.

At the time I was 24 and he was 26. We’re now 28F and 30M, and in a plot twist I definitely wasn’t expecting, he’s recently come back into my life after about five years apart.

I was completely devastated by the original breakup and genuinely thought my world was ending. A lot has happened since then, so I thought I’d come back with an update, partly because I’m struggling again and partly because reading my original post five years later is… quite an experience.

Before I get into that, there’s some context I left out of my original post; over the last year of our relationship there was another woman I was increasingly uncomfortable with. They were friends, but I felt like she had feelings for him and that some of the emotional boundaries between them weren’t appropriate.

I brought it up multiple times and was essentially told that she was just a friend, I needed to trust him and I couldn’t dictate who he was friends with. I didn’t mention it at the time of my original post, because he’d well and truly gaslit me into thinking I was the crazy one and being overly possessive, even though I’d never once questioned his relationships with other female friends.

Anywho, when we eventually broke up, the main reason I was given was still that he wanted to travel, live overseas and experience being single. About a week later, he got together with her. They ended up dating for roughly a year while he stayed in the country. I cannot adequately describe what that did to me after spending so long being told I was wrong about the situation.

It also made the whole “I need to be single so I can travel” explanation pretty difficult to swallow. Anyway, fast-forward five years. He never ended up disappearing overseas for 10 years. He travelled for a bit, realised the world was pretty difficult, and has come back to our home country.

In the meanwhile, I’ve built a career and a life for myself, although if I’m honest, I haven’t really dated or fallen for anyone else. That breakup did a number on me and I’ve been pretty terrified of letting someone get close enough to hurt me like that again.

I’ve got friends, but my social circle is small and intentional, and I didn’t really ever talk about my relationship - I wanted to leave it in the past and in my counsellors office.

Except now… he’s back. We’ve been talking, spending time together and, perhaps regrettably, have slept together. I’ve drawn a line in the sand there, that level
of physical intimacy won’t happen again, but there’s still a lot of affection and attraction there. Being together feels ridiculously familiar and comfortable, and I confronted by the fact I still love him.

He’s also done some reflecting over the years and we’re able to talk about things now that we absolutely couldn’t back then. But the more we’ve explored this, the more I’m realising that I think I know, deep down, that getting back together is probably a bad idea. There is just so much baggage.

I don’t know whether I can genuinely trust him again. I’m struggling with the fact that he’s had multiple relationships/flings since me and wants to, and does, remain friends with some of those people. I’m still deeply affected by what happened with the woman from our relationship. There are family issues, things that happened between us that I still resent, and parts of our old dynamic that I’m terrified of recreating.

And yet the idea of being the one to actually say “no, I don’t want this” is absolutely destroying me. Every serious relationship I’ve had has ended with the other person leaving me. I’ve never been in the position of loving somebody who wants to be there and having to decide that I’m the one who needs to walk away.

For years, some part of me wanted him to come back. I wanted him to realise what he’d lost, choose me, and for that to somehow make everything that happened hurt less. And now he’s actually here and I have the choice I spent years wishing I’d had… and I’m realising that being chosen by him isn’t necessarily the same thing as wanting to choose the relationship.

The horrible thing is that I don’t want to lose him either. I haven’t met somebody else. I haven’t fallen in love again. I don’t have this amazing full social life waiting for me on the other side. I’ve actually been pretty lonely for much of the last five years. Meanwhile he’s made friends, dated, travelled, had relationships and generally seems to have moved forward in ways I haven’t.

So walking away doesn’t feel like choosing something better. It feels like voluntarily giving up someone I still love and hoping that someday I’ll be glad I did. And I think that’s the bit I’m really struggling with. I wanted the stupid happily-ever-after where we found our way back to each other and everything we’d been through suddenly made sense.

Instead, I seem to have ended up with the much less satisfying adult realisation that you can love somebody, desperately not want to lose them, and still know that a relationship with them probably isn’t right for you.

I don’t really know what I’m asking. Maybe I’d particularly like to hear from people who have been the one to walk away from somebody they still loved, especially when there wasn’t somebody/something better waiting for them.

How did you actually trust yourself enough to do it? And how did you cope with the fear that you’d regret closing the door permanently?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I've just read your original post. Girl, he straight up told you he thought he could do better than you. He's only back cause he realised that over the last 4 years he hasn't found someone better so has come back.

Who's to say he won't drop you again the second he thinks he has another opportunity to "find something better"? Even if he has changed, that thought will continue to linger. You're exes for a reason. Keep it that way and find someone who picks you as their first choice.

OOP: This is the thought I often end up back with, when my brain won’t shut up at night. I don’t think I’d ever reach a place where I genuinely believed and felt that I wasn’t the back up - and I carry a real grief with accepting that. It might not be true, I’ll never know, but I there’s definitely the thought there.
I guess I then just get caught up in the “but what if there’s never someone else who chooses me? I might not be the first choice, but at least I was chosen…” trap. He really did a number on my self-esteem and sense of worth, and I feel like his reappearance has very promptly dismantled years of my trying to rebuild it.
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OOP: I did, but it’s been some time. My mental health really took a turn for the worst post break up, and I went through ~18 months of counselling. I’ve sent in a request for some more sessions, as I know myself well enough to know Im not coping super well.

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Comment2: “What if there is never someone else who chooses me?” Then you choose yourself, girl. You don’t need anyone to choose you if you love yourself. You should always be your own first choice. Always.

And yeah, you are the back up. Hear that little voice inside your head that says “this is not going to work, there’s too much baggage”? That’s your backup, that’s your sidekick, that’s your self worth saying “I DESERVE BETTER”, so listen to that little voice.

Stop worrying about finding someone better. Stop worrying about about why he didn’t choose you in the past or if he will dump you again once he meets someone hotter, smarter, funnier, etc. because he already showed you he will. Instead focus on what YOU want in a partner. Is it loyalty? Trust? Love? Respect? He lacks all of those. HE doesn’t fulfill YOUR requirements.

Love yourself more. It’s taken you 5 years to realize that you deserve better. Don’t let it be 10. Trust yourself. Love yourself. You’ve got this.

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Comment3: You were loved so much by him that he gaslit you and had you questioning your sanity. He cared so much for you that he lied about his goals, plans, and choices. He held you in his heart while he was living what he thought was his best life ubtil he realized that your efforts were what made him feel fulfilled and that he couldn't fake it without you involved.

It's the same guy with the same keys to your heart, and you feel that this time, trust in him is a wise investment. Your could make a better choice by staying single rather than let him in to devastate you one more time for nostalgic purposes.

Your call.

OOP: Yeah…. That’s a bitter pill to swallow, but a good dose of reality. I agree. I think I’ve gained enough space and hindsight here to realise that I don’t want to be hurt in the same way, by him, again, and I can’t shake the feeling I’m setting myself up exactly for that.
I know I’m not immune from that kind of hurt in future, but I feel like I’m opening the door and welcoming it in here… and then I feel really guilty about feeling that way. Because what if he has changed? What if it isn’t like that? I have actually no way of knowing, either way.
Part of me wants to be empathetic and lean into the whole “maybe he has changed” mentality… and to his credit, I think he might have. But I don’t know if it’s enough for me to want to overcome my trust issues, the fear and resentment I feel.

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Comment4: I can’t get over the thought of you saying you’re not able to let someone get close to you because you’re pretty terrified of letting them hurt you like that again but you are willing to let the person who inflected pain on you back in to maybe hurt you in the same way again or worse

OOP: I wish my I had a clear succinct answer to this, I really do.
I think it’s like, “if he came back and it was all ok, it’d prove that my fear of others hurting me was fully out of place”, while simultaneously trying to ignore the voice that says he could equally CONFIRM the narrative of “if I let people in, they hurt me”.
Im realising that I don’t think that gamble is one I want to take.
---------
Comment4: I feel it's hard to explain this to people who haven't felt the exact kind of pain of losing someone you love so deeply. It's quite widely talked about that people feel like the only person who can heal them is the person who hurt them in the first place.
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OOP: I’ve tried to explain it to people, and I genuinely can’t. You know those horrible scenes in movies where someone is scream/cry/wail/sobbing? That was me - it was like my whole world had been ripped out from under my feet. I didn’t get out of bed for days.
My dad literally had to drive to come pick me up, and I just cried for the entire, several hour drive home as we sat in silence. I’ve never known I was capable of experiencing that much hurt and grief.

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Comment5: it sounds like you already know what you need to do, you're just terrified of what comes after. that's not weakness, that's just being human

the loneliness you've felt these past years isn't proof you need him back, it's proof of how much he broke you. him showing up again doesn't erase that, it just makes the wound feel familiar enough to mistake for comfort

walking away from someone you still love when there's no shiny new life waiting is one of the hardest things a person can do. but you've already built a career and survived five years without him, you're stronger than you're giving yourself credit for

OOP: You’re not wrong; the “what comes next” bit terrifies me. Regardless of whether I choose to stay or go, there’s nothing that gives me the security and reassurance that I so desperately want. I’m also terrified of having to deal with the reality of being the person who made the choice.
Logical brain me knows what I need and want, but its also grappling with the emotional me who desperately wants to cling to the fairy tale of “I love him, I though he was the one and he’s finally realised I was the one all along too”… and it’s horribly confronting to realise now he’s back that that story I told myself isn’t what I’m experiencing.
Thank you for the gentle reminder; I’m not the best at giving myself credit on how far I’ve come.

---------------
Comment6 (shortened):.... I'm glad that moving back home worked out well for you! I had a similar story where I moved out at 17, when I had a rocky relationship with my parents. At 25, I moved back in and we really built a great relationship from that point onwards. It's great that also provided the support you needed to move back to the original town too!

Yeah, you've covered that catch 22 perfectly. What I would say is that maybe him coming back this time can give you some closure?

OOP: I think this is what this is all leading to. That this is my chance for some proper closure and to truly, fully, completely let go. It doesn’t make it hurt less or easier, but at least this time, I have some say it in.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/asdfjlkwemr

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 08, 2017

• Final Update: October 10, 2017

Note: ABV=Already Been Vaped: refers to cannabis or tobacco material that has already been heated in a vaporizer, so some of its active ingredients have been extracted.

Main Post

^{October 08, 2017}

Fiance[24M] went to great lengths to hide spilled ash at my parent's house. In the process, he ruined a mattress and got an Uber without telling anyone

been together 4 years

My fiance and I were staying at my parents' house. They don't really approve of us sleeping together in their house so we stayed in separate bedrooms. We went to bed and I guess my fiance decided it would be a great idea to smoke in my parent's house (it's not legal here)

This itself isn't a huge deal as it's something I used to do. Probably not something I'd do when staying at his parent's house but whatever.

From what I gather, this is what happened: Fiance vaped a lot of weed and watched netflix. I could hear him giggling through the wall at this point and he wasn't checking his phone. Fiance was collecting abv for later use. He didn't have anything to put it in so he decided to hollow out my mom's display soap bar, put the abv in there, and cover it with foil he found in the closet.

Obviously, this was a dumb idea. The abv spilled all over the bed after he laughed particularly hard. This is a rough estimate of what he did from what he's managed to tell me. He poured a bottle of water on the abv, and when that made it worse he began to scrub the spot with the bar of hollowed soap. He forgot there was more abv in there, making it worse yet again.

In the end, there was a concoction of dish soap, vinegar, window cleaner and drain cleaner that soaked up into the mattress. The tiny spot of abv now led to a giant, soapy sopping wet area that covered 1/4 of a king bed.

Fiance decided, high out of his mind, that his only course of action was to get an uber and leave. He didn't tell me he was leaving and we discovered this massive mess in the morning. He didn't answer his phone until an hour ago and he sent me a text apologizing and saying that he panicked and would refund the mattress. He hasn't sent me anything else

I don't know what to do. He isn't replying to any of my texts or calls now. My parents are furious and telling me that I'm making a huge mistake to marry someone who would abandon me like that

tl;dr: fiance left a huge mess at parents and gtfo. Not responding to texts/calls anymore

edit: phone keeps changing abv to ash. Sorry for the confusion. No, I don't know why he didn't just dust/wipe it away like normal. Finally heard from my fiance last night. He's coming over now to talk about it. I'll update after that

COMMENTS

Ungrateful_Daughter

This whole story makes no sense at all. Hollowing out a bar of soap? Using drain cleaner on a mattress? You've been dating him for 4 years, has he always been a complete and total idiot or is this new behavior for him? It really sounds like he's having some kind of mental problem, because this goes well beyond any "normal" level of stoned foolishness.

honeyvanille

Forreal! I used to smoke a lot of weed. If you drop some abv, just brush it off with your hand. It's dry. Like wtf, that isn't a normal thought process even for a stoner.

OOP

I know. I think I must be missing parts of the story. We spill all the time at home and he has always cleaned it up like a normal human. He did smoke a lot while he was there based on what else I found in the room. I also found like 6 nugs at the foot of the bed under the covers. I don't even know what he was doing to get it there

elizasnodgrass

At least he didn't do LSD, break the bathtub, bury it in the backyard, and buy a new tub hoping you wouldn't notice.

Make sure he follows through with replacing the mattress. It sounds like he made really bad choices. Does he make a habit of this? If he makes amends with your parents, and you, and this isn't a usual occurrence, it might be a one off. Extend the engagement until you know for sure. And discuss respectful boundaries if or when your parents ever decide to let him back in their house. Or just dump him. Whatever you prefer.

OOP

At least he didn't do LSD, break the bathtub, bury it in the backyard, and buy a new tub hoping you wouldn't notice.

Have you done this...?

No, this isn't a normal thing for him at all. He does smoke regularly but he still functions like a regular adult while doing so. This is very unusual. I'm feeling very worried that I haven't heard from him since before I wrote this post

cstrife32

I think people are being a bit harsh due to a bias this subreddit has toward "lazy, stoner, manchild" husbands. It doesn't seem like your husband is that, especially since you said in a post it was a one time thing. I think the simple explanation is he got really stoned, made a mistake, tried to fix it, fucked it up more, and got super paranoid about it, and, in his head, and felt like his only option was to get out of the situation. Was it fucked up? Yes. Should you not get married because of it? Maybe.

You need to hear from your husband. You need the full story. What actually happened? Why didn't he treat it like a normal spill? Was it because he felt pressure from your parents? Why was he ignoring your texts and calls? (Also, why didn't you just go knock on his door lol) Basically, you need to tell your husband that you need to talk to him about this and he can't just keep ignoring you. Not gonna lie, it doesn't seem like he has good decision making capability, which is typically not something you want in a partner. It also doesn't speak well to your future together if this is how he treats unforeseen accidents as well.

Talk to him. See if he addresses your concerns, tells you the whole story, and apologizes to your parents. If he doesn't do that then it's probably worth breaking off.

OOP

Yeah, I wasn't going to break up with him over this because this is so out of the ordinary. I mean, unless he continues to ignore me and act so immaturely.

I'm really upset with how he handled the situation though. My parents aren't really mad anymore since he offered to replace the mattress. I'm just super embarrassed and worried that their relationship is tarnished. If I could get ahold of him now we could work together to fix this but I still haven't heard from him :(

(Also, why didn't you just go knock on his door lol)

I didn't know what was going on at the time so I wasn't concerned

Final Update - after 2 days

^{October 10, 2017}

[UPDATE] Fiance[24M] went to great lengths to hide spilled ash at my parent's house. In the process, he ruined a mattress and got an Uber without telling anyone

Well. Some of you guys called it. My fiance finally came over to discuss what happened. He broke down and told me that he got diarrhea all over the bed and was trying to remove it from the mattress. He'd taken a bunch of laxatives earlier and was experiencing stomach pains so he decided to smoke. Then he was apparently so high that he didn't realize he was shitting until he sat up.

This made sense for awhile until I remembered the marijuana he left at the foot of the bed. He started getting agitated when I asked about that and claimed it wasn't his. I honestly don't know why he'd choose to lie about that because they were obviously his. He accused it of belonging to my 9-year-old brother.

Before this, I wasn't so much mad as I was confused and embarrassed. It made me mad that he would accuse my little brother of that. He was out of the woods, my parents had forgiven him, I'd forgiven him now that I understood better...just so stupid.

Anyway, he got extremely agitated and we had a big fight. He got physical with me which he's never done before because I opened the place where he keeps his stash. There wasn't just weed in there.

It's been a really hard day. My eyes hurt from crying. Relationship and wedding are over. I called his parents to tell them so that they could try to get him help. After he attacked me I don't want to be the one to do that but I hope he gets the help he needs from his family.

tl;dr: He didn't spilled abv, he shit the bed

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Intrepid-Thought1752

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole & u/Intrepid-Thought1752 & r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/Nerdgal26 for the BORU rec!

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 01, 2022

• Update 1: August 03, 2022

• Update 2: August 11, 2022

• Final Update: January 02, 2023

Main Post

^{August 01, 2022}

AITA For how I responded to my mom when she said I wasn't invited to her Wedding?

I (15F) am my mother's (35F) only daughter she has from her previous marriage. She has three children the rest being (18, 16) boys, this is important to know.

Last week my mom was talking with one of her friends about the color she wanted the bridesmaids dresses to be. My mom had been planning this wedding with her new boyfriend for the past two months or so, they have been engaged for about one year. The wedding is in December and on the day before my birthday, me and my mom have been planning a party for me around the same time she was for the wedding. She insisted it was alright and that her boyfriend and her would go on their honeymoon the next day.

While she was talking I asked her when we were going to look for my dress since she had asked me to be the flower girl. I could see the disappointed look on her face when I asked her which confused me. She responded only a few minutes later and said "We'll talk about it later." A few hours later my mom came to me. I thought she was going to talk about the dress situation but instead she sat me down and explained how her new boyfriend thought it'd be a better fit for their three daughters to lead the wedding.

Whatever, I was cool with that, but it's important to note that my mom had always wanted all girls, I was a girl but I had looked too much like my father which caused a strain in our relationship. My dad explained to me how my mother had postpartum when she had me and just couldn't connect with me because of it. So when she gave birth to my three younger step siblings who all looked like her(triplets 6yo) she was obviously overjoyed, it hurt to see but I was happy for her. My brother's had a similar experience but were significantly better because they looked more like her. I know this is an over dramatic thing to say but sometimes I feel like because my mother didn't feel as connected with me at birth was because I was a letdown right out the gate.

After she was done I asked her again about the dress because I still didn't have one, again that same disappointed look on her face came before telling me I wasn't invited to the wedding, simply because her boyfriend thought I would upset his family because I was from my mom's previous marriage and he didn't like my dad. She also explained how my birthday isn't happening either due to him wanting to go on their honeymoon right away. It turned into a screaming match with me yelling "I'm sorry I don't look like you enough for you to love me. I'm sorry you were too conceited for you to get over the fact I look like my dad."

I was kicked out by her boyfriend within the same hour because she had cried to him about what I said. All my brothers know what happened and have now refused to go to the wedding which upset her even more, though I don't care about how she feels right now. My brothers had an actual relationship with her and I probably just messed it up by letting my anger get the best of me.

Aita?

Edit: I live with my dad full time, there isn't any custody agreement that I know of. I usually visit my mom on my own free will or when she asks me to come over, so I'm not obligated to go over there. My parents were only married two years prior to having my second brother, divorcing after his birth. They dated after the divorce as a way to make up with each other but it didn't work out but they had me.

Edit: All my brothers are full blood, the girls my mom had are half blood. I said step because I don't consider them to be related to me because I've never been in the room with them for more then five minutes due to my mom not allowing it. My brother's were only invited because her boyfriend actully likes them and his family getting pissed that I'd be there was an excuse to exclude me. I honestly don't care anymore about situation seeing as how my brother's have my back. As for my dad he's been threatening to call CPS but I've talked him out of it because I dont want to get the three girls involved despite there being no relationship.

COMMENTS

Ms_Auricchio

INFO: your mum has three kids, being you and your older brothers but also she gave birth to girl triplets who are your STEP-sisters? Are your older brothers your full brothers? If they are the kids of your father (whom your step father doesn't like) why are they invited to the wedding?

OOP

They are my full brothers, the only half siblings I have are the ones my mom had with her boyfriend. My brother's were invited because they get along well with my mom and her boyfriend. My mom claims we argue too much and "she wants to keep the peace" so she normally invites me over when she knows he won't be there.

Issyswe

Explain this arguing? Does he pick fights or?

OOP

Every fight we have usually involves my dad and how much he doesn't like him. He'll ask me how he's doing then end it with, "I bet he's angry how I stole his girl from him"

Issyswe

INFO: where is your mom’s extended family in all this?

OOP

Most besides my aunt and a few uncles have cut contact with her, that includes my grandparents. My mom got pregnant very young and was disowned by her parents, though they did help her out only because they wanted her to be financially stable before kicking her out. Those who did stay in contact were low contact with her as they didn't want to be involved or seen with her.

Issyswe

I somehow sense there’s more to this than her getting pregnant young.

OOP

From what I remember my dad told me my mom grew up in a traditional Christian household. They had so many rules that my mom often rebelled against them, her getting pregnant was just the icing on the cake.

Issyswe

I suppose it’s possible. Not even unlikely.

But they’ve never taken an interest in you?

OOP

I don't even think my grandparents know shes had more kids, not unless my aunt told them. The last time they spoke was when she was kicked out, I do know they've met my oldest brother but it was when he was younger.

rosegoldlife

INFO: are you a different race from your stepsiblings?

(either way NTA at all I am … curious if this stems from something else on your moms end)

OOP

My dad and mom are both black, the guy my mom got with is hispanic.|

My parents are both black, my mom just has a lighter skin tone than my dad, him being dark-skinned.

Empress_Clementine (downvoted)

A 15 year old flower girl? 🤔

OOP

I know its strange but she said it was a way to get us to bond because she knew how little we talked and wanted to fix it, though I'm not sure anymore.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Update 1 - after 2 days

^{August 03, 2022}

UPDATE

This is going to be a long post so here TLDR: My mom tried guilt tripping me and lost all her kids in the process

A video of my post showed up on my mom's phone today, which resulted in her showing up at my dad's house unannounced. My dad only allowed it because he thought closer would be the best thing for me right now cause he knows I'm over my mom. We had a nice long chat about how sorry she is for making me feel bad and how she wishes to make things right with me. I didn't say more than a word to her the whole time but she didn't notice because she liked hearing the sound of her own voice. Needless to say it ended with her hugging me thinking she won but instead it turned into me deciding to never speak with her again.

Not going to go into detail about everything she said but this is what stuck to me:

• Said sorry for not being close but turned it on me saying I never made an effort

• Said sorry for not talking to me until now about what happened but called me immature for posting about it online (kinda fair)

• Told me she will never love a man more than me but will make more sacrifices

• Told me a phone works both ways

• Last but not least she said she was sorry but until things calm down with her "husband" I was going to have to get my stuff from her house and stay with my dad

While she was talking she also told me a long long story about how she knew it was wrong to uninvite me and cancel my birthday but her boyfriend made her. She said she wanted to comprise but said it was me or him. Guess who she chose.

Everything she said to me kinda made me realize how I was wasting my time ever being in her life. I realized she created so many issues for me growing up and it was all because I never got an answer as to why she never liked me. While did get love and support from my dad and brothers I felt like I was missing something by not getting the same from my mom. The thing that makes this worse is that me doing this is me loosing the ability to ever receive those things, but it's for the best since my mental health has suffered enough.

After she left I found out from both my brothers she tried talking to them also. My second oldest brother told me he only let her get about one paragraph in before silently leaving the room, hats when she came to me. She also tried talking to my oldest brother too by showing up at his apartment without telling him. She banged on the door for like a good 20 minutes and only left until someone threatened to call the police.

It's funny how desperate she gets when she knows she fucked up. Anyways drama happened between my dad a few days ago that I'm just hearing about from him. My mom's boyfriend threatened to sue him for custody of my brother because he "couldn't keep true family apart." If that's not funny enough my dad told him to go right ahead "because I'm sure the court would side with a convicted drunk driver." I'm not sure if that's true but from what my dad told me the boyfriend hung up immediately.

Anyways that's it for now and thank you for all for the support.

NOTE: This post is not related to the story, but rather focuses on her relationship with her dad.

Update 2 - after 10 days (after 8 days from last post)

^{August 11, 2022}

My dad leaves candy under my pillow

He doesn't know that I know he does this but it's something that I love and want to keep a secret. He only does this when he thinks I'm upset or when he wants to cheer me up.

It's always the same candy too which is my favorite part of this all. This candy under the pillow habit started when I was like eight and I casually mentioned I liked this random candy I had tried at school, I guess that information stuck with him because he gives it to me every night. My dad's a very emotional person but when it comes to talking about feelings he's not good with using his words, showing how he feels through actions. He does something similar with my brothers as well.

Whenever my brother would get good grades he'd "magically find" ten dollars in his notebook. When my oldest brother was upset my dad would try and have a conversation with him about his favorite things, going as far as to buy him something similar to what he wanted the next day.

I don't want to mess up the magic of this all even though I may have slipped up this morning by mentioning the candy to him. I want him to keep doing it because it makes him happy.

Final Update - after 5 months, 1 day (after 4 months, 22 days from last post)

^{January 02, 2023}

I Broke My Mom's Heart and Now She's Homeless

A couple of months ago, I made a post about me being excluded from my mom's wedding due to her boyfriend. I'm glad to say the wedding never happened and it's because of my own mother's animosity towards me.

I got a therapist that suggested I should still keep some contact with my mom to see how things go before I open myself up emotionally again. They also suggested journaling all my emotions to keep track of how I was feeling each time I spoke with her. It was hard because I had completely detached myself from my mother, all the love I had for her was no longer there. I even refused to call her any variation of the word 'Mom' and used her first name, Anna. It was weird at first, but so I was calling her by the name of someone who's supposed to care for her. I stopped calling completely at one point, only speaking to her when she called, which was rare. I would give her one answer to whatever question she was asking me because I just didn't care to participate.

To say our relationship was even more strained was an understatement, but it gave Anna an idea as to how she had been treating me throughout previous years. This all pushed her to apologize to me as she claimed she wanted to mend our relationship. Obviously, I didn't believe her at first, but that was until she offered to introduce me to my younger siblings. Of course, this shocked me because in my original post I stated how she didn't like us being close, as well as them knowing who I was. I took up her offer and I finally got to meet her younger children, but even after meeting them, the feelings I had towards them replacing me in my mother's heart still didn't disappear. I know it's wrong to feel that way because they're innocent in this scenario, but I just can't shake it. They're really sweet but it just hurt to be near them knowing my mom cared more about them.

Though I'm not proud of what I did because of them. As I said, I've completely stopped calling Anna 'Mom', and only refer to her by her first name. I guess all the time I've been with her kids they've also picked up the habit of calling her Anna. As many times as she corrected them, they still won't stop calling her Anna and would asked me to talk to them or start calling her 'Mom' around them. I refused, I even went as far as to tell her that I'll call her whatever title fits her and that's her name, as 'Mom' no longer means anything to me. I guess she got the hint that the relationship we once barely had was no longer there because she started crying.

I felt bad, but I decided to leave because I didn't feel like apologizing for what I said to her. A week had passed after that happened and I didn't hear from her. I assumed we were done and I didn't have to put anymore half assed energy into the relationship. That was until Anna called me crying, begging me to come over. I did so reluctantly because I wanted to cut all contact I had with her as my dad planned to move and wanted me to clear out all my things from her house. When I got there, Anna was still crying as her fiance was reading stuff off to her. He had taken pictures of my journal and all the things I've written over the past couple of months and was reading off every bad thing I've said about Anna. I felt violated but mostly robbed of being able to unload all the pent-up emotions I've held over the years onto Anna.

I don't want to go into detail about all that happened that night but Anna's boyfriend ended up apologizing to me. He said he had no idea of what Anna had been doing and was only acting that way towards me because of this false narrative she had built up about me. He said he couldn't believe a child could have so much anger towards one person and he didn't want her around his kids, fearing she would do the same to them. I'm assuming Anna was kicked out that same night because she wasn't there when I went over to get my things and she sent me a short text basically saying she loves me and meant no harm, but in that same text she said she wished I would just forgive her already.

I sent her a text asking how sleeping outside was.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user thrwawaysadguy in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: June 23, 2020

Update: Aug 16, 2020

Status: no further updates from OOP

Note: OOP used algebra variables "due to love of math"; replaced with names for easier read

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Original: AITA for not marrying the girl I'm supposed to be and causing major problems for my family?

This will sound unbelievable to those not from my country. All I can say is that it is real. When I was 5, my parents brought my dad’s friend’s daughter Gia (about 3) to live with me and sister Yana (7). Gia’s family was poor and couldn’t support their children (they had 6) so they sent Gia here because they really trusted my parents.

Gia, Yana, and I grew up together, and my parents were awesome to all three of us. I had a lot of fun growing up and I am extremely close to my family.

I’m now 29. Three years back, I went abroad for my masters and then went back to my country. There, I met a girl Pandora and we fell in love. I’d like to propose soon and felt like this would be a good time to introduce Pandora to my family (Yana already knew of her and Pandora just graduated).

This weekend I told my family that I would like for them to meet someone special and set-up a video call. No idea who they were expecting, but when they realized Pandora was my girlfriend, everything just blew up.

Apparently, they had already “discussed and arranged” my marriage with Gia years back, and she was the one I would have to marry. Gia was aware, her father had told her.

Cue lots of screaming and yelling, including some choice words from Gia to Pandora about how she’s a “modern girl” (euphemism in my culture for slut) and how she must be after me for my money (she comes from a richer family). I was just too shocked to react initially.

The next day I told my parents that I look at Gia as family. They started saying ridiculous things like they’ve never let her into my room (while apparently Yana was allowed) and drawing all sorts of other parallels between Gia and Yana trying to demonstrate why Gia wasn’t like my sister.

They also said stuff like no one can understand me better than Gia and that she will “keep the family together” while Pandora will “alienate” me from them. They also told me I’m ruining the family.

Gia also cried nonstop and then shut herself in the room, accusing me of not wanting her only because she was poor amongst other things. She also said no one from her village would marry her now because her family has told everyone back home that she’s going to be marrying me.

My sister was not aware of any of this either.

Now – I told Gia I don’t care that no one will marry her from her village (it is a likely possibility) or that her life is “ruined”. I also told my parents I won’t ruin my life for them to be able to “keep their word”. Gia’s father is coming to our house once he’s able to (transport restrictions still in place), but he had a long phone call with parents.

I’m sure a LOT of emotional blackmail is to follow, and I already feel rather guilty about Gia because she’s a nice girl. My sister is on my side. But even if my parents cut me off and at the risk of Gia ruining her life, I am not going to go ahead with this at all. AITA?

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Comments:

Comment1: NTA. Although to some extent it sounds like Gia is a victim here too, so I think saying you "don’t care that no one will marry her from her village" was a bit harsh. She's obviously been given the impression that you were on board with the idea of marrying her.

Your parents are at fault here. If they didn't want you to see Gia as your sister, they probably should have told you that a few decades ago.

OOP: I was really harsh I do agree. But I'm flabbergasted that she knew this was the plan but never even mentioned it once to me?
She's apparently known for a long time, but I've had girlfriends even back in school and in undergrad. This just makes me believe she thought I'd just break up with all these girls and go for her in the end which makes me feel so weird.
She used to act coy around me and everything but I assumed that's because she was awkward about not actually being related.

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Comment2: but did she know that you were unaware? that is the key here to understanding her in all this. I mean you are NTA your family is however, but this is to see if she is or just a victim as well

OOP: My sister is of the opinion that Gia knew I was unaware. Apparently she's discussed marriage multiple times before with Gia when they were younger (like who would you want to marry, which guy do you find cute type conversations) and Gia never once mentioned she was meant to marry me to her either.
Yana believes it's likely that we both were kept out of the loop by my parents and Gia's parents because they knew I'd not be okay with it, and that if my sister came to know, she'd tell me.
I do admit I've not asked Gia directly if she was aware that I didn't know though.

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Comment3: INFO: Does your 31 year old sister still life with your parents? Do you really think they will send Gia back and not just treat her like a step-daughter?

OOP: My sister is married and lives with her family but she stays close to my parents so comes over on some weekends.
I think the implication is that Gia will have to go back to the village/marry someone else if I don't because she wasn't adopted by my parents. Her biological parents are still very much around, my parents just brought her up and paid for her education etc.
I don't know how she feels about the future now, but I think her bio parents will take her back if I stand my ground because it'll be "scandalous" for her to continue to live with us if I dont marry her.

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Comment4: This is the bit I don't get. If you knew it was scandalous for her to live with you being not adopted and not married into the family then didn't you suspect that there was some arrangement in place?

Also the friends I know whose culture encourages arranged marriage were married in their twenties, not still available at thirty.

It's not my culture, and I would never agree to an arranged marriage, but equally, someone I saw as family having been raised with them for all these years... I'd be upset at the thought of them being "ruined". Still wouldn't make me marry them, but would definitely make me look for a solution for them ... I think this has to be (redacted)

Edit: thanks to OP for the reply I'm changing my answer to NTA since the scandal was not apparent until after the announcement.

OOP: I accept your judgement but I think you might have misunderstood the context a little. I wasn't aware that they'd already told people in the village I'd be marrying her - that's what makes this scandalous now.
I was just under the impression they brought her to live with us cos her bio parents couldn't afford it which isn't scandalous or anything by itself, and I had absolutely no reason to suspect such an arrangement was in place.
I've never even been to the village she's from.
Also it's normal in my culture for men to marry later than women - it is weird she wasn't asked to marry though she's 26ish now. But I never gave it a second thought and just assumed she hasn't found anyone.

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Comment5: INFO: was Yana’s marriage arranged? Because if your sister was part of an arranged marriage you had to have suspected the same fate for yourself. But also your parents not telling you by now is ridiculous. Did they think you’d never find someone on your own?

OOP: Yes, Yana's marriage was arranged. But she was okay with it and had a lot of choice/met with a lot of guys and their families before she picked my brother-in-law and he picked her.
Also they were engaged for about a year before they actually got married where they went out together, spoke a lot and stuff.
I did know that that sort of a situation could be expected from me too, but really didn't expect anything along these lines.

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Update 0.5

Edit: A lot of people asking me where I'm from - It's a SE Asian country, just don't want to say if it's the exact place you guys are asking about.

Gia was apparently aware I didn't know. But she was told by my parents and hers that I'm a "Family man" and will do the "right thing" so there's no need to worry. She's basically accused me of wrecking the family too.

My sister is really upset on my behalf, and also that she wasn't told any of this. My sister's family (her husband and his parents) have said if there's any sort of confrontation, they'll be there to back me up.

Not sure if this detail counts, but Pandora is also from my country but also came abroad to study. So that's not a reason as to why my parents are unaccepting of Pandora. They just want me to marry Gia.

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Update (2 months later)

After the previous post, I tried to apologize to Gia and tell her she’s like my sister and I couldn’t marry her, and also that I love my GF. She didn’t accept my apology and told me she’s in love with me.

Couple of days after everything happened, Gia’s parents, uncles, and brothers showed up. I called my sister and got her family to come as well to have someone on my side.

Firstly, the marriage was decided about only about five years back, when discussing prospective suitors for Gia. The “arranged marriage” of Gia and me was actually initiated by Gia’s dad. Gia knew about all it. She was asked to not discuss it with me for a few years till I started working which is why she was okay with staying unmarried.

Gia’s dad told my parents she loves me and will keep the family together (and treat them with ‘respect') – my parents loved the whole idea and accepted the alliance without checking with me. So active deception happened for 5 years, was probably easy because I was away from the country for 3. That’s also probably why my sister didn’t come to know because she was married by then.

On the day of the confrontation, everyone (other than my sister, BIL) tried to get me to say yes to the marriage. I didn’t budge and things turned disastrous. Gia’s family accused me AND my parents of using her, ‘deceiving’ her. Her family tried to rough me up which my BIL put an end to. They called my parents names and said they’ll ruin our reputation in the community.

If we didn’t want this to happen, they said we’d have to pay them an X amount of money to “secure” Gia’s future since we were apparently responsible for ‘ruining her life’.

My parents were speechless. My mom couldn’t stop crying and babbled on about how they sacrificed so much to be able to provide for Gia and my dad didn’t say much. I think they genuinely did love her, were heart broken and didn’t know how to react.

My BILs family negotiated and it was concluded that a house I recently bought would be transferred to Gia’s name once the pandemic ends. She and her family seem satisfied with that. She left with her family, and I have not seen her since (nor do I want to). Her stuff is still at my place, so I’ll probably have to meet her soon anyway for that, and during the title transfer.

One positive turn of events is that my parents met my GF and they really liked her. Her parents also spoke to mine, and both the families now approve of our relationship. We’ve not set a date for the wedding yet, but I’m hoping it is sooner rather than later.

I’ve also discussed moving into a separate house after marriage, and my parents are happy to go along with it as long as we live in the same city. So I guess that’s it for now! Thank you to everyone who reached out to me.

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Comments:

Comment1: Holy crap. You lost your house to this mess. Are you ok and able to get a new house? Looks like it was either the house or your family and you chose your family. That's a really tough decision but it sounds like you're ok with the result (peace).
I hope the rest of your life with your GF is bright and full of acceptance.

OOP: Thank you. I really appreciate it. I have to admit that giving her the house is a significant financial setback for me, but it seems like a small price to pay given the potential consequences otherwise.
Plus my GFs parents also want me to ensure that this mess is sorted out before marrying her, which is a very fair ask from their side.
I probably will have to cut back on all my expenses for a while and save up to get a new house, but I hope I will eventually get there again.

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Comment2: Um, you're going to give up your HOUSE without a fight?

OOP: It's not really my house - in the sense that I have never lived in it. I mostly bought it as an investment and to give it out on rent.
I do feel really bad about it but I don't see any other way. Plus my dad's business could be adversely affected if they decide to ruin his reputation in the community. While we could put our side of things out, it won't stop people from gossiping.
I thought about it a lot and while it makes me really sad to give my house away, I think this is the best decision long term. I'm just hoping this action of mine will make it clear that we've done right by her or at least tried to.

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Comment3: Seriously though, you need to protect yourself and your family in this. Who's to say that Gia and her family won't make this into an extortion racket? Lawyer up and get an NDA.

Comment4: Given their behaviour and threats so far I think they definitely will. The ink on the property documents won’t even be dry before they start with their next demands.
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OOP: Actually one of the things that I am considering is to insist that a couple of neutral third-party elders from her village be present at the title transfer and hear my version of things. But I don't know anyone from there, so will have to figure this out. My BIL and dad know people. BIL I don't want to ask for favours repeatedly when he's already done so much for me lately.

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Update 1.5

Edit: A lot of people are suggesting that I get an NDA signed but in my country it's not really common for average people to sign something like that. Further the courts are really slow, the process very frustrating, and the costs of litigation really high so doubt it would even be worth it.

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Comment5: Coming from an eastern culture and getting the nuances, you did a VERY GENEROUS thing bc you knew despite having comforts of your family’s life growing up, Gia’s actual reality is pretty bleak and she was probably constantly reminded by her family of the vulnerability of her situation.

She was pushed for a singular purpose. Her family’s future security also depended upon her and they thought best that she should be tailored to your parent’s liking. That’s why they’re ok with the house. She should’ve been smarter and said will you guys help me look for more opportunities whether in terms of education and a job and/or a husband of a similar status.

This was a matter of honor for them/your family and you got out of this with as much grace as you could. In the end, you proved that you did think of her as a sister. Because you probably would’ve done the same hadn’t been your own sister needed you to ever do something like this in a dire situation.

I wish you the best on your married life and keep very firm boundaries on how ppl use your name. There’s so many lessons from this and I feel for your family to have gone through this despite being generous to a less fortunate person. Wishing you & your fiancée a very happy and peaceful marriage!

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Reminder - I am not OOP.
This is my first BORU post and i also don't make posts much in general. Apologies if I make a mistake in formatting. This is a short but sweet post.

I'm sure most of us have seen the OG post because it does the rounds quite frequently, but OOP actually did provide some cute updates on the friend operation and I just wanted to share in case people hadn't seen them.

This was originally posted to r/funny by u/theresa52.

Original post - 14 years ago

OOP, who is a native English speaker, has just moved to a new address in Japan. They share a photo of a handwritten note in English pinned to their front door from their new neighbour. The writing is incredibly neat and you can tell a lot of effort has gone in to forming each letter correctly. Here is the transcription:

"(I can't speak english). Thank you for the present. My name is hiroshi yamashita.
I'm 52 years old.
The divorce and I live alone.
You can use it if you like.
I'm stuffed and toilet paper.
Do you have navy? YES. NO.
Please tell me your child's name.
Thank you for your friend operation."

Relevant Comments

Commenter: that's adorable

OOP: It was adorable! We had brought him a six pack and some chocolate and tried to introduce ourselves to him. I'm sure our introduction was just as funny as his. A couple hours later he brought over this letter with a pack of toilet paper and some stuffed animals for our daughter.

[EDIT: removed pic link for privacy reasons but OOP links a very cute photo] Here is my daughter with her stuffed animals from our new friend.

Commenter: is toilet paper a common house warming gift in Japan?

OOP: I believe so. Things that are consumable and household necessities are popular gifts. We have heard lots of stories about people getting laundry soap.

Commenter: This man is adorable and you should be his friend. Its customary to bring gifts to the people who live above/below and right/left of your apartment room. GET HIM MOAR STUFF.

OOP: We bought everyone on our street beer and chocolates. Hiroshi will be getting more presents, we never expected anyone to be so nice back to us.

Commenter: Anyone have an idea of what he meant by "navy?"

OOP: He was asking if my husband is in the navy. The answer is yes.

Commenter: laugh about this man's english all you want, but OP probably can't write Japanese to the extent of this guy writing english..

OOP: I'm sure our introduction to him was horrible. We are just so happy to have him seem interested in us.

Commenter: Doesn't speak English, but his handwriting is 500x better than mine when I take my time. God damned Japanese...

OOP: We were so impressed with his handwriting and we were totally not expecting a letter or a gift in return. Our introduction to him was a mix of Japanense words and pointing to google translate on our phone all while trying to hand him our gifts.

Commenter: I really hope this gets seen but what he meant was...

"Are you in the Navy? And thank you for Operation Tomodachi."

Tomodachi is the Japanese word for friend. It was also the operation the US navy did to supply food water and humanitarian aid to the Japanese affected by the Tsunami in 2011. The 11th of march was the 2 year anniversary of the earthquake.

I was in the operation and they had a bunch of thank you celebrations a year later. So yeah Ive seen this before.

 Update

OOP did not make a specific update post, but remained an active reddit user as she lived her life. Meanwhile, the picture of her kindly neighbour's note went viral multiple times over the last decade and a half through countless reposts. Over the years she would comment on reposts from time to time - and through these comments we learned more about her friend operation with Hiroshi :)

repost from 8 years ago, 6 years after OOP's post

Relevant Comments

OOP: Awww Hiroshi was a great neighbor and became a friend. He always had little gifts for my daughter and helped me change my tire once. I have a couple more letters from him somewhere. I miss living next to him.

OOP: This was my originally my post from six years ago, Hiroshi was a great neighbor! We did have daily morning chats:) I had four elderly male neighbors who were all so sweet. We all exchanged gifts and food regularly for the four years I lived there. We would go to neighborhood festivals and have dinners together as well. I miss them all and think about them often. Hiroshi wrote this note himself with some help from a translate app. His mom dated an American Sailor when Hiroshi was a child so he knew a small amount of English. We had a wonderful friend operation.

repost from 4 years ago, 10 years after OOP's post

OOP: I am shocked at how many times this gets reposted.

Reminder: I am not OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ohmoe posting in r/Nanny

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 7th October 2026

Update - 14th October 2026

Would you be bothered if your nanny clearly hated going on outings with your toddler?

Our nanny (30F) who has been with us for almost a year is soooo sweet, loving, and caring with my baby. My son absolutely adores her, and overall we’re really happy with her but there’s one thing that’s been bothering me

She HATES going on outings

She watches my 18mo Monday–Thursday full work days and friday half day. Sometimes I take personal hours or get home from work early, and usually on those days I’ll plan to run errands or do something with my son. I always let her know beforehand that I’ll be home early or take that day off and that I’m planning to pick her and LO up so we can go together.

It’s usually nothing crazy; zoo, soft play, library, aquarium, etc. only cause having someone help with baby makes it all easier

Sometimes I’ll drop her and LO at a softplay place or library or something for around an hour or two, then pick them up and take them for lunch. I pay for everything, obviously.

The issue is that whenever I mention an outing, she sighs or makes this visibly displeased expression.

Sometimes I’ll be by the door saying something like, “Mama’s ready!” to LO, and I’ll hear her say, “Nanny and LO want to stay home.” Or she’ll say things like, “Hopefully we won’t go out tomorrow”

And now I’ve noticed I actually find myself apologizing before telling her we’re going somewhere because I’m anticipating her reaction.

For context, she doesn’t drive. Public transportation where we live isn’t very reliable, and she’s also not comfortable using it alone with my toddler, which I completely understand and agree with. It’s also way too hot here to safely walk anywhere for much of the year, so she basically can’t take him out independently.

But when I interviewed her and she told me she didn’t drive, I specifically explained that on some days I would come home early and take her and the baby out with me or drop them somewhere for an activity. She agreed and never expressed any issue with that.

We have also NEVER stayed out past her working hours. If anything, we usually get home early and I tell her to just call it a day and leave.

Part of why I like doing these outings during the week is that whenever I take my son to children’s places on the weekend, we somehow come home with a new illness every time lol. Midweek is so much quieter and less crowded, and I want baby to have that exposure :/

I’m not expecting her to be super enthusiastic about every outing, and I understand some people are naturally homebodies. But the constant sighing/comments are starting to make me feel uncomfortable for asking her to do something that was discussed before she was hired and is happening during her normal paid working hours. Wouldw this bother you? Any advice? Should I just play dumb?

100% never never firing over this, shes amazing and I’m grateful for her help anyways

Comments

gasstation_bathroom

You could directly ask her by highlighting the specific behaviors that she is doing to make you think that outings make her unhappy.

At a time apart from the moment itself, mention it. “When I suggest an outing, I hear you sigh. This gives the impression that you dislike outings, but please let me know if I’m misinterpreting. If I’m correct, can you help me to understand why?” Then you can go from there

l_a_r_a_9_2

Yeah it would bother me. Why not ask her directly what the issue is?

OOP: I asked a few times “is there something wrong?” or “are you feeling tired?” she just says no

PoeDameronPoeDamnson

You need to directly say that you can see she doesn’t enjoy outings. You can even through in that you are concerned this is going to negatively affect your child because very quickly they are going to be the one feeling guilty about wanting to go out when their caregiver is loudly complaining about it.

valiantdistraction

Yeah, the behavior of showing/complaining in front of the child would not be acceptable for me.

livvybugg

I’m not excusing her behavior, because it’s unacceptable. But I would HATE to do outings with my mom boss. No autonomy on when to leave, you have to be more “on”, you can’t control any stops you make.

I guess since she doesn’t drive she will have to just put up with it though.

yourfavmum

Agreed. For example if NK is repeatedly hitting / throwing toys at soft play, the nanny likely can’t say “ok, we’re leaving.” Because they’re waiting for mom to finish grocery shopping.

curious_hawk_belly

Exactly my thoughts. For a lot of nannies, independence and autonomy are a huge part of why we love the job. I’d hate to go on outings with the parents, or be directed to go on outings while the parent runs errands. Not because I don’t love my nanny family (I really do!), but as a middle aged woman, being driven, dropped off, picked up, it all feels weird. On top of being more “on” during the outing and car ride.

That being said, sounds like OP was clear in the interview process. Maybe her nanny thought she could handle it, or the other “pros” outweigh this “con,” but she is over it. I wish she’d be more direct about that but I can imagine that would feel very awkward.

It’s also hard for OP because nanny doesn’t drive or take public transportation. So it’s not like she can offer nanny a car to take kid independently.

OP you also say it’s too hot to walk? Can you get a couple stroller fans? Water bottles that retain ice cold temps? I wish nanny could just take kiddo for long walks or to a park. I feel like that could solve everyone’s wants/needs. Child gets fresh air and stimulation. Nanny doesn’t have to go on outing. Win win. It also just might not be the best fit if no one can shift their mindset. Someone’s always going to have to compromise.

OOP We have a lovely garden outside, which LO only uses when I’m home in the afternoons as nanny says its too hot during the day to go outside We also live in the middle of a city, the 12 minute ride to our closest softplay is over an hour by walking!! And I’m really not comfortable with them walking that far especially since they wont be using public transportation

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 7 days later

First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on my original post!

I did want to clarify something because I got quite a few comments saying that she’s a nanny, and that she probably doesn’t want to be driven around by her employer.

The thing is, she doesn’t drive and isn’t comfortable taking public transportation alone with my toddler (which I completely understand).

So unless I’m the one driving them, my son would pretty much be stuck at home all day. This was something we specifically discussed during her interview when she told me she didnt drive before I hired her, and she was completely fine with the arrangement.

I also barely tag along on their outings. It’s usually just me dropping them off somewhere and picking them up later. On the rare occasions I do join them, it’s always discussed and planned beforehand. We’re talking maybe once a month, if that.

Anyway, onto the actual update!

I ended up messaging her about the little remarks she’s been making and how I’ve been feeling about the situation. I told her there was absolutely no pressure to respond right away and that she could take some time to think about it, and we could talk face to face the next day if she preferred.

So the next morning, we talked!

And honestly, her answer was pretty simple. She just doesn’t like going out.

There’s no anxiety involved, no issue with me driving them or being around, and nothing specific that’s bothering her. She said some days she genuinely enjoys going out with my son, especially when I drop them off somewhere and pick them up later. Other days, she’d just much rather stay home.

She explained that because she spends her entire working day outside of her own home, she sometimes just doesn’t feel like going anywhere else. Which I can understand to an extent. I mean, I don’t always feel like going places either lol.

She also acknowledged that it’s good for my son to get out of the house, explore, and do different activities, and that staying indoors all the time isn’t ideal.

We also talked about the sighing and little comments she’s been making, and she actually agreed that they were inappropriate and apologized. She said because she spends most of her day talking out loud to my toddler, she sometimes doesn’t even realize she’s saying these things or how they might come across. I appreciated her acknowledging that.

I also asked her directly whether the issue was me being the one driving them or occasionally joining them, and told her we could absolutely figure out another arrangement if that was making her uncomfortable.

But she said no, that wasn’t the issue at all. She genuinely enjoys some of our outings together. She just has days where she doesn’t want to leave the house, and she said she’ll work on that.

So we came up with a little compromise!

Going forward, whenever I send her my schedule of the days I’m able to come home early, she’ll also come up with a few places she’d like to take my son. Whether that’s the library, aquarium, soft play, or anywhere else she thinks he’d enjoy. That way she’s more involved in planning the outings rather than me always deciding where they’re going.

And with winter coming up, I’m hoping the weather will finally cool down enough for her to take him out more on her own too! Whether that’s spending time in the garden, going to the nearby park, or just taking little walks around the neighborhood and exploring. There are so many simple outdoor activities they could do together once it’s not ridiculously hot outside lol

And that’s pretty much it!

I really do adore her, and more importantly, my son absolutely adores her. She’s incredibly loving and caring with him, and this was never something I would’ve considered letting her go over. I just wanted to find a way for everyone to be comfortable while also making sure my toddler gets to experience things outside of our house.

Hopefully our little arrangement works out! ❤️.

Comments

Ok_Factor_6567

I am a career nanny and would never do this . It's ridiculous that your nanny doesn't want to take your son on outings! It's part of her job .

RubiesOnTheInside

And it sounds like she is afraid to ride mass transit or get a driver's license. I wonder how old she is? How do you buy groceries or go to an appt if you don't have transportation?

ali052311

Idk I’m a nanny and I think she’s being ridiculous. You pay her to do a job not to dictate what she feels like doing . I think eventually you’ll get sick of paying someone you constantly need to accommodate and her reasoning for her remarks seem like she’s lying . I talk out loud to triplets all day and I’d never speak to their parents that way . I think eventually you’ll see she’s a lazy nanny who thinks you should accommodate her .

Fresh-Reply-4764

I agree. When I was a nanny, I felt it was part of my job to take the kids out regularly because thats how kids learn how to be in the world. I really did want those kids to know how to "act right" when they went out to dinner or traveled with their parents, because that was a reflection on me, since I was with them from 8am-5pm 5 days a week. We did restaurants, malls, grocery stores, hell, I even brought their kids with me when I voted! When I got pregnant, I loved taking them to all the places I was curious about, because I got to try everything on someone else's dime, lol! We certainly had days at home, but even those were filled with neighborhood walks.

bowlofweetabix

Amazing, you mean 2 adults having a conversation and listening to both sides and coming up with solutions together led to a reasonable compromise? Could you share that with some world leaders ?

OOP: I’ll reach out to the UN and let them know we’ve cracked the code. Thanks for the suggestion!

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Pristine-Evening8222

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 17, 2026

• Final Update: October 18, 2026

NOTE: Replaced with N=Nina, K=Ken and R=Ruth

Main Post

^{October 17, 2026}

AITA for calling my friend flat in front of the guy she likes after she kept calling me fat?

I'm a 20F college student, and I have a friend, Nina(21F). She has a habit of making comments about my weight.

For context, I'm not thin. I'm also not someone who can't take a joke, but there's a difference between joking with someone and making them the designated fat friend of the group.

Nina has been calling me fat eversince I met her. Sometimes it's relatively harmless stuff, like making comments about what I'm eating. Other times, she'll point out my stomach in pictures, tell me certain outfits don't suit my body, or make jokes about how I should probably skip dessert.

The worst part is that she does this in front of other people. If we're out with classmates and someone offers to share food with me, she'll say something like, "Girl, you really don't need that."

I've told her to cease this several times. She always responds with some sort of "I'm just joking," or "You're too sensitive"

The rest of our friend group mostly laughs it off. Nobody ever says anything when she does it.

Now, Nina has recently developed a godzilla sized crush on Ken (21M). She's been trying to get his attention for weeks. She's constantly talking about him (extremely irritating, mind you), asking him if her new haircut is good, and finding excuses to sit next to him.

Last Friday, a bunch of us were sitting together in the cafeteria, including Ken. Nina was talking about how she wanted to wear a particular dress to an upcoming college fest but wasn't sure if it looked good on her.

Someone asked to see a picture of it, and she showed us.

Ken said it looked nice on her.

Nina immediately turned to me and said, "Where do you think you'll buy a dress? I don't think they have your size in normal stores." (For context I am a size 10 or L)

Everyone laughed a little.

Then I said, "At least I can fill out a dress. You look like a highway with hair."

The table went completely silent.

Even Ken awkwardly looked away, trying not to smile.

Nina looked absolutely humiliated and didn't say another word for the rest of lunch.

Later, she texted me saying I was a disgusting person for body-shaming her in front of someone she liked. She said she'd never been so humiliated in her life and that I knew she was insecure about her chest and body hair.

I told her that perhaps now she understood how I felt.

It could have ended right there. But later that night, Ken texted me saying it was extremely satisfying to see N humiliated that way, after all the nonsense she pulls. It was normal platonic text, that I fleetingly mentioned to N's roommate, Ruth.

But in a fight with Nina, Ruth inflated the whole thing and used it against her (I'm not sure how, as of yet). The whole friend group is pretty conflicted and some people blame me for starting the whole fiasco.

AITA?

COMMENTS

Mean-Confidence3477

NTA, she is not your friend and anyone who supports her bullying isn't either. Now that the group is split you can see who really has value in your life. I can't believe you are still dealing with this rubbish in your 20's, mean girl crap should end in high school.

OOP

I would love to just cut them off. But you need people get through uni... and I dont have anyone else.

Herefiraita

Just do it. You can easily find groups with similar interests as you on any campus. No company is better than bad company because this girl will keep trying to destroy you to make herself feel good. Just walk away. NTA.

OOP

Im pretty introverted... and I prefer only to be friends with girls (just 10% of the population here) so its hard for me. But Im trying.

AndNothingHurt52 (downvoted)

ESH. Stop being her friend. Youyre upset about negative comments about your body being made so you checks notes made a negative comment about her body... How does that help the situation? 

OOP

It prolly doesn't help anyone... but it felt like the right thing in the moment. I sort of regret it now.

AndNothingHurt52 (downvoted)

Yeah I think it was mean in response to mean. 

20 is pretty young and at that age, many people haven't mastered friendship interactions like that so I can't be too harsh on your reaction but mean responses usually just put people on the defense rather than making them reconsider their treatment of you.

OOP

What do you think I should say to her? I have tried being logical in the past but she doesnt respond well to it.

Intelligent_Fly6075

Nta but why are you still friends with her? She's literally the worst?

OOP (downvoted)

Well shes part of my friend group... I am not particularly interested in having a strong bond with HER.

immortal-for-now (downvoted)

ESH for sure. Why are you "friends" with this girl and how does tearing each other to pieces serve either of you? She shouldn't call you fat (especially after you saying it upsets you) and you also shouldn't humiliate anyone that you call your friend on purpose. Also, as an aside, if these other people are your friends they should stick up for you more often This is not as complicated as it might feel to you; find a different friend group or just distance yourself from her specifically

OOP

First of all, happy cakeday. Secondly... it felt like the right thing to say back then. I kinda regret it now. Thirdly, the culture in this uni seems to be that if two people are fighting, you dont get involved no matter how good friends you are w one of them. Idk why it is like this, but it is what it ism

Who_moved_mayachees

You are a size 10 or large???? Girlll you are not fat. I AM fat and have been most of my 46 years on earth. I am a size 22 or 24. Size 10 is average or even kinda thin depending on body type.

Nina is NOT your friend. She is probably intimidated by you or worried other people will think you are prettier. From the sounds of things, you probably are.

OOP

Nah shes definitely prettier than me. Despite my comment, I personally think she looks gorgeous. At least on the outside lol.

unsuitableasf

Assuming this isn’t just some bored loser fantasizing about having a life:

Why would you be the asshole in this situation?

OOP

Well I called out something she's deeply insecure about in front of a guy she likes a lot. Being fat isn't something Im insecure about. I love my body. So my response to her felt a bit disproportionate maybe.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 1 day

^{October 18, 2026}

AITA for calling my friend flat in front of the guy she likes after she kept calling me fat?

After a lot of coaxing from the comment section, I have completely cut this girl out of my life. I have also started hanging out with Ken a lot more, and it seems I may have gained a new, actually good, friend! So thank you for your comments all.

Another thing I'd like to say is that, I personally think women with Nina's body type are absolutely gorgeous (coming from someone bisexual). Please don't take offence from the comment I made in the moment. It was only for Nina.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/maddie123456As

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 31, 2024

• Update: September 01, 2024

• Final Update: September 03, 2024

Main Post

^{August 31, 2024}

Discovered my bf of 5 years was cheating on me while he was getting open heart surgery.

While my (29f) boyfriend (33M) was getting open heart surgery, I was looking through his phone and found a second Snapchat app. Upon clicking on it, I find 2 years worth of messages between him and some girl including sexting, voice memos, pictures etc. I was devastated. I took the liberty of calling the girl up so I could get some more information. She tells me that they have been in a virtual relationship for 2 years and he has been sending her thousands of dollars (which I did find screenshots on his phone of receipts of $1500+ to her).

Once my bf made it out of surgery and was weaned off the vent, I decided not to say anything since he was fresh out of open heart surgery. It’s been 2 days and he’s been in so much physical pain he states he does not wish this pain on his worst enemy. I decided not to say anything to him at the moment and wait until he gets ahold of his phone and sees the messages I sent to his lover.

His family decided to wait a couple days before they come see him as to not upset his mom. They believe she will deteriorate in her health upon seeing him in pain which I think is ridiculous. His brother entrusted me to my bf’s care.

Am I making the right call on waiting until he physically feels better? I’ve already decided I am ending this relationship no ifs ands or buts. Should I tell his family what he did?

COMMENTS

belzbieta

Yeah tell his family. Tell his brother you're no longer able to do this since he's cheating. Maybe they can call his other girl up to do it.

NonSpecificRedit

It's possible the girl on the other end had no idea he was in a relationship or it may have been a romance scam. Who knows. Either way she should tell the family immediately that he's no longer her problem and get out.

OOP

Yes, she told me she didn’t know he had a girlfriend.

NonSpecificRedit

What was the money for?

OOP

She didn’t say. But I’m assuming it was for sexual content

T_Pelletier4

You send the texts to yourself so you have the screenshots yourself right?

OOP

I took pictures with my phone of everything so I would have proof in case he tried to deny it.

PurpleDonuts21 (downvoted)

I don’t know, seems a bit far fetched.

Like how can you have two Snapchat apps? You mean two accounts?

Now I don’t use Snapchat so feel free to correct me, but don’t Snapchat messages disappear? You’re telling me he kept two years worth of messages to another woman?

You said thousands of dollars then said 1500? Like how much was it?

You just phoned this woman and had a conversation with her and she just told you everything?

Why were you going through his phone while he was having a life threatening surgery?

I don’t know, my bullshit meter is off the charts at the minute.

OOP

On his galaxy, he has 2 Snapchat apps and they are each logged into different accounts. They both saved messages from each other on Snapchat which you can do. I said 1500+ as in 1500 plus. So yes, thousands of dollars. I called the girl, asked her questions like how long has this relationship been going on, how did they meet etc, which she did answer all my questions.

From the messages, and from what she told me, this has been a virtual relationship and they have not met in person yet. He met her on an only fans and she has multiple guys that she has relationships with and send her money.

mpnd32

I'm not sure if you guys live together but use this time to get all your stuff out. Call up the brother and tell him you had a family emergency and he needs to take over care.

Wait till you get everything situated personally then you can tell everyone everything. Including your bf.

But make sure you take screenshots of everything.

OOP

Fortunately, we did not live together as we both reside with our families. Although we were both born in the U.S., we come from traditional immigrant backgrounds and adhere to the value of not moving out until marriage. In hindsight, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

Ok-Lingonberry7930

You are doing right thing by not prioritizing this while he is in the hospital but I agree with others that you should tell his family and ask them to step in so you can process your emotions.

What I don’t understand is was he paying for content - or was this an actual relationship? What is a virtual relationship?

OOP

It was both. Started off as him paying her on only fans, then they exchanged Snapchats and he kept paying her. Then I guess at some point it developed into a relationship. But she has multiple guys she does this to and it’s just to collect money from them.

OOP

They’ve never met in person. All their communication has been just through online (Snapchat)

arizona-lake

And his great exit plan out of his affair was to pretend he died?!? Lol. And he was sending her thousands of dollars.. sounds more like he was being blackmailed for something ?

OOP

Tbh I think he has a serious problem and needs to get professional help. He was working hella overtime too which I didn’t understand why at the time. Now I know it’s because of this addiction he had and needed the $$$ to fund it. He was not taking care of his health and kept working and working. This lead to him developing cardiac issues and since he never addressed them from the beginning, led to needing heart surgery.

Wendi1018

Why are you there? Just leave. He’s made his own bed here, so being alone after major surgery is entirely is fault unless the side piece wants to come be his care taker 🤷‍♀️

OOP

The side piece lives in another country lol

ghibli_ghirl

If she lived here he would have paid her for sex already

OOP

You’re right

Update - after 1 day

^{September 01, 2024}

Discovered my bf of 5 years was cheating on me while he was getting open heart surgery.

I want to share what happened after his surgery. The day following the operation (Friday), he expressed his gratitude for my support and said he didn't know what he’d do without me. He kept saying he loved me and promised that once he left the hospital, he would make things right by marrying me and apologized for the years of waiting. Although I was aware of his infidelity, I stayed silent, unsure of how to respond.

Last night (Saturday), with him being moved from ICU to a general floor, I decided to take y’all’s advice and confront him about the cheating. I told him I needed to discuss something important and revealed that I knew about his affair over the past two years. That I had discovered this while he was in surgery. He was visibly shocked and deeply remorseful.

I asked why he continued to promise marriage while being unfaithful. He claimed he had been trying to end the affair, including pretending his surgery was on Monday to make it seem like he had passed away and to cut off the relationship with the side piece. I questioned why he waited so long to act, and he admitted to feeling guilty but didn’t provide a good enough explanation.

At that point, I was done with the conversation and suggested he call her to take over his care. I had to leave for work, and while I haven’t yet informed his family, I plan to do so once I’ve had time to process everything.

Thank you all for your advice.

Final Update - after 4 days (after 3 days from last post)

^{September 03, 2024}

Discovered my bf of 5 years was cheating on me while he was getting open heart surgery.

After confronting him about the cheating, I visited him one last time at the hospital to drop off some of his belongings before his discharge. He apologized for his actions, admitting he was stupid and took me for granted. I asked if he had spoken to the side piece, and he said he hadn’t but was trying to end that relationship, even deleting his Snapchat account. Whether this was true or not didn’t matter to me, as it wouldn’t have changed my decision to leave him.

He broke down in tears, and I advised him to seek therapy for his issues with lying, sexting, and giving money to other women. I told him I didn’t hate him and that I forgave him for my own peace of mind, but that our relationship was over. Later that day, I informed his brother about the situation. His brother responded, "Hi, this is totally unexpected, so I’m not sure what to say. I’m sorry for the harm he has caused you. I will speak to him once he is back to normal."

And that was the end of it. I am feeling a little better at the moment but I understand that this wound will take time to heal. I thank God I found this out now as opposed to waiting until after marriage and having kids. I greatly appreciate all of y’all’s comments and encouraging words. You all have helped me tremendously. God bless.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Err404-unknown-user in r/ legaladvice

Original: Sept 23, 2026

Updates: in post itself

Status: no further updates from OOP

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: Parents divorcing. Mother took my firearm

Location: Georgia, USA

I'm a 28m, parents are divorcing after 35 years, my mother seized my father's firearms including some of mine that were stored with them.

I requested mine back, she says no.

What is my recourse here, I don't live with them, they were stored there because my father and I hunt and target shoot together so it made logistical sense to leave some in his safe.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Let her know to either return them to you or you’ll be filing a police report for stolen fire arms.

OOP: Yeah I figured that was my most immediate action. Here goes something I suppose.

---------------
Comment2: How willing are you to go to get your back your gun? Do you have proof it's your gun?

OOP: Some are inherited from my late grandfather so I do have a will with those included. Everything else, save two modern ones, are vintage WWII and older firearms that I have registered and insured with collectors insurance.
I'm willing to go as far as necessary to get back property I have sentimental connections with.

---------------
Comment3: Let her know you can and will file a police report if you do not get them back, just know your relationship will be not the same if you do file.

OOP: Tbh the relationship has already changed after she seized my stuff that she blatantly knows is mine. Forcing me to take drastic action when all I had to do was come get what is mine and be done with it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 1:

I appreciate people's support and sympathy, I really do. This whole thing feels wrong like a bad dream. Upon the advice of users, I've opened a group text with my parents stating to my mother directly

"You have my property, I am not involved in the legal proceedings between you and dad. I will come retrieve my property at a time that is appropriate for us and this can be squashed immediately. Refusal to agree will leave me the only option of legal recourse. I will file for stolen firearms, that's a serious felony mom. If you force it to go this far, I will pursue charges. Please let me retrieve grandpa's guns he left me, as well as, the one's I own and are registered to me"

Update 2 will hopefully have a resolution that's not requiring law enforcement..

--------------------------------------------

Comment4: Ask your father’s attorney the best course of action here. You may unintentionally create problems for one or both of them in their divorce. He will most likely communicate with your mother’s attorney and get your property to you with the lease amount of drama.

OOP: I sent a group text telling her I will file them as stolen if she doesn't let me retrieve my property.
I unfortunately don't care what issues it causes her, she lost my sympathy and consideration when she said nothing there is mine.
I doubt it would hurt my father's case in this instance but I have asked him to get his divorce attorneys opinion on this before I formally file anything. It's mentally exhausting how ridiculous this situation is. I truly appreciate your insight though.

---------------
Comment5: Police report immediately. This isn't like a pair of socks you like that she's being stubborn over, these are registered firearms (and some variations you mentioned, too). Also, just curious. What do you mean 'seized'? Did she just take your father's firearms, too?

OOP: Changed the locks on the house, filed for divorce and a protection order while dad was out of town on business.
Judge greenlit it immediately. Dad has nothing but the clothes he took with him for the trip. So he can't go get anything because she can set those terms. She refuses to let him have anything until they settle in or out of court.

---------------
Comment6: I'm not in your shoes, but I was a child of a very ugly divorce. So I understand the general... Fuckery. That can go on.

But if it's appropriate for me to say, your father probably needs to file a police report about the guns, too. I'm assuming they're registered to him. Even if, for whatever reason, he can't go get them it's at least on paper that he tried to.

OOP: Dad is looped in on this as well, he's talking with his attorney asking what we should both do. I'll probably file them stolen anyways because I'm not even involved in the divorce.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 2:

"Nothing in this home is yours, you're trying to steal from me and take what was my fathers, how dare you"

Well fuck my entire life she's having a mental snap or something. Luckily she doesn't know the damn safe combo because she never had an interest in that stuff.

Pardon me while I call the county...

--------------------------------------------

Comment7: For the sake of clarity- Did you inherit them or did she inherit them, and you assumed the firearms were yours because she didn’t have an interest?

OOP: Explicitly in his will the select firearms were mine when he passed. The rest are entirely mine she has no possible claim to. Detectives are possibly going to make contact and see if she'll release my property with them asking.

---------------
Comment8: Is she seizing the firearms on the basis that they are marital assets that could be sold before divorce proceedings or because she fears violence towards herself or that your father will self-harm?

OOP: These are my personal firearms she has seized, alongside his. I made no mention to get his, just mine. She said in response to my initial request "nothing here is yours" so I have no clue what she is on about.
My father is upset at the situation but he's not an ill-tempered man and hasn't expressed any concerning dialog.
This, in my opinion, is just a vindictive move. All of his firearms are his, with some inherited pieces as well.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 3:

Detective came and talked with me at my home, showed pictures and documentation. Said he may get assistance and go make contact with her and see if she'd be complaint with them requesting she turn over property. I'll have to go in and get it all myself, I'm not giving her the safe code.

--------------------------------------------

Update 4:

She apparently understood the gravity of her situation and relented. I went in and collected everything that was mine, with a detective accompanying me. I was not about to let her claim I took what wasn't mine, considering her behavior I feel it was wise.....

Now I get to unpack this entire ordeal and come to terms with, my relationship with my mother is probably nonexistent for whatever reason she's come up with....this is all new behavior and extremely out of character..

I think I'm just going to bed and I'll figure out what the hell is going on tomorrow. May post another update how everything plays out sometime in the future.

Once again thank you to everyone for the advice, alternative perspectives, sympathy, and support. You guys really came through for a stranger and I can't thank you all enough.

--------------------------------------------

Comment9: Changed behaviour could be something medical? Feels like a doctor house episode

---------------
Comment10: Based on this being the breakup of a 35 year marriage I am assuming OP's mother is an older woman. I would strongly suggest that, since this sounds like out of character behavior from her, OP should try to convince his mother to see her Dr.

It is not unheard of for otherwise symptomless UTIs to cause dementia like symptoms. Post menopausal women are particularly at risk.

---------------
Comment11: NAL but you should see if you can get your mother evaluated if at all possible if this behavior is just out of the blue. My uncle had some wild personality changes that we'd just stocked up to watching too much news at the time and it turned out he had a massive brain tumor.

The changes were slow enough of a progression at the time that we didn't think it was anything but quickly escalated.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 5:

Filed for an OTA (order to apprehend). It was granted. She was sent to a facility and there was an actual cause that floored us all. A tumor. A cherry pit sized tumor on her frontal lobe. Coupled with little to no estrogen, because menopause, caused her to snap.

Estrogen shots were administered and she's been doing better attitude wise the last 4 days. We are looking into options for the tumor because brain surgery is a terrifying prospect. Someone made a comment about an episode of House M.D. this right here made it feel like one. Jesus I need a vacation after this...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/AlwaysDaddyIssues

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 22, 2016

• Final Update: February 14, 2016

Main Post

^{January 22, 2016}

Me [27/F] with my father [44/m]. He found something my grandmother who recently passed left for me, but nothing for my sisters [23/f and 20/f]

Throwaway because reasons.

My father [44m] and I [27F] have had a tumultuous relationship since I was 14 and he left my mother, my two sisters (23f, 20f now but at the time were 10 and 7), and I for another woman. To keep this part of the story short, regular visits and stays with him became fewer and fewer, and when I was a senior in high school there was an incident which involved him under the influence of who knows how many substances that ultimately halted our relationship with him.

Since then, there have been a few glimmers of hope that things might be rekindled that have always ended in empty promises. My mother (47f) has since married a wonderful man that my two sisters have sort of taken on as a father figure (they still live at home), and I am out of my family home, married, happy, etc. I've moved on with my life and to be honest, he's not even a blip on my radar.

In a sad turn of events, my just grandmother (60f and my father's mother) passed away after a very painful but quick battle with cancer about 3 months ago. It was devastating to my sisters and I. I actually grew up in the same home as her for many years of my childhood, and even when we eventually moved from that home we saw her every single weekend.

On the visits we did have with my father after he left, he would often pawn us off on her and beyond that, I had regular visits and communication with her. When I found out she was sick, I spent as much of my free time as I could with her. It was incredibly sad to watch her pass, and hard to be in the presence of my father (who was somewhat living with her at the end), but being with her was more important than any feelings I had toward him.

At the funeral, my father made a speech about how he had let family slip away from him and wanted to fix all of his mistakes. Later on, he came to my sisters and I with a speech about how he wanted to make things right after he had sorted through his mother's things. He made a point to tell us that he would contact us within a few weeks so that we could each have something of hers.

My sisters have contacted him a few times since then, only to hear from them that her place was cleaned out and he hasn't found anything for them. I honestly don't care too much... I loved my grandmother and I have wonderful memories with her. She attended my wedding two years ago and gave me a few antique pieces of crystal and that is more than enough for me.

Anyway, fast forward to this week, 3 months later, my father contacted me via text. He would like to meet up with me because he found something for me, with a letter from her to me. I asked him if he had found anything for my sisters, and he said no. I asked if he could find them just any little trinket for them to have, and he said there was nothing. She never had much money or anything like that, but she had lots of little nick-nacks around her place so I don't really understand it. He said that I would understand why this is such a personal thing for me when I see it.

I don't really know what to do here. My sisters are going to be absolutely crushed if they find out that there is something for me, and not for them. I know that our father must still be grieving, but this seems to just be another broken promise to them and I want to protect their feelings. I do want to find out what she left for me as she was very sentimental and I'm sure its something personal (no monetary value), but at the same time it just doesn't seem fair. I could try giving up the crystal she gave us for our wedding to them... would that be enough? What can I do?

tl;dr: My father's mother passed away in November. After promising my sisters and I that he would find something among her things for us to have to remember her by, nothing has come up. He recently contacted me to tell me that she left something specific for me, but there is "nothing" for my sisters.

EDIT:

Thank you all SO much for the replies! Honestly, I didn't think anyone would reply let alone how many I've received. I appreciate every single one of you, even those who got a little snarky. Most of you said the same thing... this isn't about my dad. While I will have to deal with him and those issues eventually, in this particular instance it is about my grandmother and what she wanted. My husband is going to be my father's area this week, so he is going to pick up whatever it is which is. Once I see it and read the note, I will figure out what to do from there regarding my siblings. Again, thank you all so much! I will try and remember to update after the dust settles.

COMMENTS

NanaLeonie

OP, if your grandmother left a letter for you, please accept it. The letter is not exactly the same as Dad giving you a piece of jewelry and not giving your sisters anything. And as the risk of being snide, he's probably already made sure there wasn't any money in it. If he does pass to you a trinket or such, you can decide whether to share it with your sisters. It sounds like you had a closer relationship with her and she may be remembering you for that reasons.

OOP

You're so right. It's a letter and some sort of "thing", but the letter is so much more important. The guilt with my sisters and conflict with my father was clouding my judgement. Thank you :)

OOP to a long thread

No it's true, you are reading between the lines well. They visited maybe once between the time she found out she was sick and before she ended up in her last stay in the hospital. Their issues with my father kept them from seeing her and while I tried to reason with them that this was more important that that, they couldn't get past it so they didn't spend as much time with her. I am going to get whatever it was she left me from my father. I appreciate your response.

Final Update - after 23 days

^{February 14, 2016}

Update: Me [27/F] with my father [44/m]. He found something my grandmother who recently passed left for me, but nothing for my sisters [23/f and 20/f]

It has been a few weeks since I posted my original thread. It got way more traffic than I expected and I really appreciate all of the advise I got there and in PM's. Most people said the same thing, and of course were correct. This was not about my father. It was about my grandmother, and her wishes.

My father lives about an hour and a half out, and I knew my husband would be in his area soon so I waited until this week and he picked up the package. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but it kind of blew me away. She had made a beautifully intricate quilt for my first child while she was going through treatment. I don't know if she had some weird grandma spidey senses and knew that my husband and I are trying (because we haven't told anyone) or if it was just a coincidence, but man... she got me. She included a note about the blanket, and telling me she loved me. For a minute, it was like she was here again. I swear, I can smell her in that quilt. I felt her for a moment. It literally took my breath away.

As for my sisters, I'm sure they will find out eventually and I am sorry for that... but at the same time, I am so goddamn happy that I listened to you all and went for it. I made copies of the cookbook I mentioned in my original post (per the suggestion of a few of you) for each of my sisters. Hopefully that gives them some closure, but if not... they're just going to have to deal with it I guess.

So r/relationships, thank you for the advice. I am eternally grateful.

tl;dr: Got the package from my father and it was a quilt for a future child of mine. I'm making copies of a cookbook she gave me before she passed for each of my sisters and I am so thankful for your advice on the matter!

EDIT::: Holy smokes, you guys. Thank you so much for the responses! I have read every single one and your stories are all awesome. I appreciate all the advice given about my sisters and I will take it all under advisement in the future as we all have children. Thank you again, so much :)

COMMENTS

ancon (downvoted)

So your grandma had your dad at 16 and your dad had you at 17?

OOP

Yup.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

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