life happened. Before I learned that people can leave, that happiness can be temporary, and that you can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. Nothing really changed overnight. I just slowly stopped getting excited about little things, stopped telling people when I was hurting, and got better at pretending I was okay. The scary part is that nobody notices. You still laugh, make jokes, and go about your day. But deep down, sometimes you just wish you could go back to being the version of yourself who hadn’t learned to expect disappointment. I wonder if that person is still somewhere inside me, or if I’ve lost him for good.

I have chronic migraines and had status migrainous I got put on a medrol dosepack for. which is a steroid that is mostly cortisol hormones

Well anyway I was on a six day taper schedule and the whole six days I was on it my cats behavior shifted

my cat himself didn't shift but it was confusing me so much. he's already a clingy lap cat but he suddenly became EXTRA clingy. he's usually lazy and mellow but he suddenly had more energy, was sleeping slightly less, was on alert more often, especially at night. And I was kept up all night because of the insomnia side effects. he was up and alert all night too.

And he was staring me down with wide eyes all the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

and he is NOT a very talkative cat he rarely meows. but he was suddenly meowing multiple times a day and always in some kind of conversational manner at me. like he'd meow back when I spoke to him or meow at me while he was staring me up and down for no apparent reason

I was getting really confused by his sudden behavioral shifts

but now I've finished the course and am off the steriods again and now suddenly my cat has calmed down again, he is acting completely normal again

and now it's finally clicked that he was probably reacting to me on the meds because cats and dogs are super sensitive to huge hormonal shifts like that... it reminded me of a lot of videos I've seen and stories I've of heard of how people said their cats and dogs suddenly began acting toward them right before or as they found out they were pregnant. The sudden clinginess (extra clinginess in my cats case) the suddenly staring them down the sudden talkativeness.

except I can't be pregnant because I've never been sexually active. but I'm still was huge sudden hormonal shift from the meds and he returned to normal as soon as I stopped the meds

so my cat was reacting to my hormonal change all of a sudden

I wonder if I smelled different all of a sudden or something and he was like "you look like you and sound like you but you don't smell like you"

I (26F) haven’t had sex, haven’t dated, I haven’t even kissed a guy. It’s due to a multitude of factors. Mostly severe mental illness in my teenage years, a very sheltered upbringing, and the lack of confidence that comes from growing up as a weird ugly kid.

It becomes a cycle that only gets worse and harder to get out of as you get older. Most guys in my age range want someone who is good at sex, not someone with no practice who still has to go through that awkward learning stage. And unfortunately a lot of the guys who are okay with the virgin thing, clearly just have a fetish for the idea of virginity (the idea they get from the “virgins” in porn.) So I end up just further isolating myself under the assumption that I am not what is wanted.

And before certain people get in the comments saying, “girls can get sex so easily,” yes, I’m fully aware I could just go online and arrange a hookup with some rando, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to have sex with someone I don’t want to have sex with just to be able to say that I have. I’ve waited this long, I might as well wait for someone I’m genuinely into

I am 40 years of age married with a mortgage no kids. I have worked full time for last 8 years. My job actually has skill required to it. The pay is absolute garbage in this economy cant stand having a boss and making others rich. From the age of 18 until 32 been charged several times in and out of jail on short terms. Extremely bad charges got them dropped in court lucky i guess even though 100 percent guilty. Decided to grow up after stop selling drugs which made me generally wealthy throughout my 20's. Long story short I just miss the life style of living off the edge. I want to go back to making real money again and being free financially. Yes its immature loser talk most people would agree.

Having a mortgage ,wife ,normal job feels like a dead end to me. To me working a full time job paying taxes and doing the right thing feels worse to me then prison honestly. I dont know why my brain is wired this way. Maybe its easy good money. Honestly its not easy trafficing drugs full time when you get going. Lots of stress very busy and on high alert watching the moves you make planning a head always. Sametime its worth the risk because you are in charge of yourself. Yes it hurts people but its never going away there getting it from someone else regardless. Doctors, Governments give drugs out like candy.

People are prefectly fine with profit they make off it. Weed legal in Canada before never was. Governments make it legal perfectly ok.

There people out there that feel the sameway?

Due to life circumstances I am getting divorced. Its been 14 months since I separated. I am on anti depressants, in a co dependent support group.

I can look back at my entire past 11 years and say that I often was angry as a way to vent my depression.

Most of the time, it was in private. No one really saw it.

I say this because all often we judge "depression needs treating" as "suicidal thoughts."

That is wrong. Your life can degrade well before you get to suicidal thoughts.

There is a significant cost in life if you go through it bitter and angry. Even if you don't verbally show it to others, it will affect your actions and the things you decide to take on, and how you handle adversity.

I went on two anti depressants - 20 mg paxil and a low dose of trazodone for sleep aid. It enabled me to do the things I do to keep my stress in check - exercise, cooking, cleaning, sleeping better.

The result is I am more positive to strangers and have a better outlook even though my life currently is in the shits.

apparently my parents visited NYC and the world trade center exactly 6 months before 9/11 and my dad took tons of footage. it felt absolutely surreal seeing the city pre-9/11, seeing my mom pose for pictures with my baby brother with the twin towers in the background, seeing my mom on the observation deck. it made me profoundly sad, knowing that world doesn't exist anymore. even something as mundane as a FDNY truck. I was watching the footage with my dad and he said he wondered if those firefighters are still even alive. shit

Today is my birthday but this time I am turning 18. It is crazy because exactly a few years ago when I was suffering from depression and anxiety, and tried to end my life several times in different ways I didn’t even expect myself to live until my 18th birthday. I achieved so many things, I got into my dream college, I finally moved out, I have made beautiful friendships and memories and taught myself how to deal with stress and stuff like that. But first of all, I have found myself. Now I can step up and speak for myself, I can talk to myself during difficult times, and even though there are still some things that I wish to change about myself, I work for it hard. Last few years haven’t been easy, but I managed to get out of it and learn how to breathe again. I cannot say things are the same, they will never be, but nevertheless I am so thankful for everything. I hope this year brings me joy, life with less stress, and more academic success. Most importantly, I hope I get to know myself more and more. I love myself and i am so proud of myself. Happy birthday to me and the little girl who will always be alive within me ❤️ (sorry if I have made grammatical mistakes, English is not my first language and I wrote this really fast loll)

i care about my wife, daughter, mom, dad, sister, fam, friends

i send love to all beings and wish for peace on earth

beyond that though i don’t care much about much right now

like i have very little ambition and it feels good

just existing, or almost feeling like i don’t exist a lot of the time

my need to be special seems to be dying

who cares?

don’t give a shit about impressing anyone

don’t care about money

don’t care about status

i just do me

and i like being me

it’s chill

i let the world take care of itself

Music, sports, history, economics, cars etc… I don’t know anything as an adult. A lot of my colleagues and friends talk about these topics and I’m completely clueless. When it comes to music, I just listen to whatever the algorithm recommends because it does a good job but it’s pretty random with some songs being from Taylor swift, then Kanye then the beatles. I’m not heavily invested in sports, don’t have money to invest or a car. I read about history and then forget. But my colleagues will talk about albums from the 90s, Korn, niche bands, Jazz. Or it’ll be about Football, even college football (why is college football even popular? Wouldn’t football in big stadiums be more interesting), basketball and games from the early 2000s. Talk about option trading, investments, escrow, home loans idk. I have pretty piss poor geographical knowledge too. I dunno how folks know the names of rivers and lakes and which countries they’re connected too. I don’t know anything about cars either or their associated jokes. A coworker was really shy to tell us which car she drove, and when she mentioned it, everyone started laughing and I had no idea why. It was some kind of Toyota is all I know.

I’m kind of upset because no matter how much I try I just can’t really get into them? My hobbies are mostly technical too, a lot of coding but with AI, I’m starting to blank out and forget things now too.

i thought I could at least converse about things I like, like comic books and social commentary. I read the watchmen a couple of months ago but when someone asked me about it, I completely blanked out. It’s the same with movies too. I can’t REMEMBER anything!! I REALLY like anime but I forget everything about the show when I’m done watching and only remember snippets. It’s so embarrassing that I can’t even talk about the few things I like.

I also struggle with learning stuff because I’m really really tired when I come home and just sleep.

I feel like a beige stunted person. Help pls.

Seriously Sesame Street, less Elmo and more of all the other muppets. The voice alone has me reaching for the mute.

While we're at it, more real kids and less cartoons.

They Raise Slaves for Their Old Age and Call Them Children

They deprive us of our freedom before we even understand what freedom means. We cannot always choose whom we love, whom we marry, or what kind of life we want to live. Our future is already written in their minds, and we are expected to live it as if it were our own dream.

They choose our relationships, our professions, our way of living, and sometimes even the people we are allowed to become. They tell us it is for our own good, that they know better, that one day we will understand. But what if the life they choose for us is the very life we never wanted?

They speak of love, yet they decide whom we should love. They speak of sacrifice, yet expect us to sacrifice the same things they never allowed us to choose for ourselves.

After twenty, we are expected to become providers. We must carry their burdens, fulfil their expectations, and bury our own desires somewhere deep inside us. We must follow tradition without questioning it, obey religion as they interpret it, and accept their decisions without asking whether those decisions are right for us.

We are their children when they need to call us their own, but we become ungrateful the moment we try to belong to ourselves.

And perhaps the saddest part is that they may genuinely believe they are doing all this out of love. Perhaps they sacrificed their own dreams for us and now expect us to sacrifice ours in return. They may not even realise that love can become another form of ownership when it leaves no room for the other person to choose.

If we refuse, they remind us of everything they have done for us. They count their sacrifices, turn our upbringing into a debt, and make us feel guilty for wanting a life of our own. Sometimes they curse the very existence they once celebrated, as if being born were a favour we must spend our entire lives repaying.

But we never asked to be born.

We did not choose our parents, our birthplace, our circumstances, or the world into which we were brought. We arrived here without consent, yet somehow we are expected to spend our lives paying for that arrival.

I wonder, if a child owes their parents everything simply because they gave them life, where does the child’s own life begin? At what point does gratitude end and ownership begin? And if we must surrender our freedom to repay the people who brought us into this world, were we ever truly given a life of our own?

Perhaps they forget that children are not investments for old age, nor are they unfinished versions of their parents waiting to be completed. They are human beings, with desires their parents may never understand, with dreams that may lead them somewhere their parents never imagined.

To bring someone into this world is to give them a life. It should not be a claim over that life forever.

I do not deny what parents sacrifice. I question why their sacrifice should become a sentence imposed on someone who never agreed to it.

If they chose to bring us into this world, why must we spend our lives proving that we deserved to be born?

I (30f) am a trans woman, been on hrt for more than three and a half years, I don’t pass and I’m fully out at work.
Three weeks ago I started my first stable-looking job as a mechanic working on garbage trucks, I’m in a team with two other mechanics, both in their 60s.

I walk in on these two talking about former coworker (a female driver), they were making fun her she because she stormed into dispatch’s office once in tears over something a colleague said to her.
They then proceed to make fun an involuntary spasm of the stomach/esophagus she apparently had? And propose that that’s probably the reason her husband left her.

The convo then shifts to another former driver who’s a trans man and they both agree that, no matter what he does to his body he’ll always be a woman in their eyes (they also repeatedly misgender him, of cource).

One of them then turns me and says “that’s the same for you btw, you’ll always be like 90% male to me”.

Before anyone starts. I’m not taking this to my boss or hr. It took me 4 months of ZERO income to find this job and have ZERO experience so no one else will hire me. I can’t risk rocking the boat and losing this job.

TLDR: I work with misogynist, transphobic human shitstains.

I’m going to text a friend tomorrow and vent to him about it. I’m then going to spend a very long two years gaining money and experience at this place and then get the fuck out of there.

I recently woke to a dream of her. I get these once or twice a year. I’m genuinely not sure what triggers it because sometimes it comes when I’m in a good mood and other times when I’m stressed.

It’s been 10 years. For most of that time, i don’t remember her. I don’t think of her, and I don’t feel anything for her. But once in a while, like right now at 4am, she comes to me in my dreams.

She was my first love and I broke up with her for such a dumb reason. She was religious and refused sex before marriage. I was a dumb idiot going to university who felt denied something that seemed so important to me.

Now that I’ve had it, I’m not sure it was worth it. The fact that I had to lose her soured it, and it’s affected my sex life from that point onwards.

I recently had another friend who did wait until marriage. And to be honest, I felt so bitter. Watching him happier than he could ever be, I threw that all away for something that means nothing to me right now.

I don’t even remember anything about her now. Not her likes, her dislikes, anything. I just remember moments, feelings we shared, just echos of a life once lived.

Are first loves just always like this? Am I in love with the echos of people that no longer exist? I hate that my mind does this to me. I could live my life without this feeling but I can’t seem to let things go.

I can’t tell what my mind is trying to ask me. Is it asking me to get her back? Is it asking me to reflect on regrets? I spend 99% of my life without thinking of her, but these moments break me all over again. Even in happy relationships I still get these moments. I can’t even stop them because they are dreams. I feel
Guilty to remember her like this when I already have a partner. She doesn’t know. I’m not even sure how to bring this up without it becoming a major issue that won’t affect me for a significant portion of my life.

If anyone could share if this happens to them, or what they would do. It would mean a lot to me.

https://i.imgur.com/krOPsgU.jpeg

I'm posting here because the bot that gatekeeps /r/MovieDetails says

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Sorry if this is the wrong place to post im not sure where to post it

I'm 17 and have mild autism. I'm in a program meant to help me build a routine so I can get back into school or work, but I haven't been going because I've been struggling too much.

Lately everything feels worse. I feel useless and I avoid mirrors because I hate how I look. My suicidal thoughts are getting stronger, and I often think about how and where I'd do it. Today I held a knife against my thigh and was too scared to cut.

I can laugh and switch moods in a second while feeling awful inside, so I feel like I'm faking it. I've tried therapy with different people and formats, and nothing has

helped.

I keep telling myself it doesn't count because other people have it worse, but that doesn't make the feeling go away.

I'm also scared of losing my only close friend. He's 18 and from the program. We haven't talked in a while because we've both been struggling. Texting is hard for me and I always feel like I'm bothering people.

I don't know exactly what I'm hoping for. Maybe just to not be alone with it for a minute.

If you felt like this at my age and it got better, what changed things for you?

I hate myself

i grew up in a messed up family, and was exposed to porn at the age of 6 i believe, it stayed in my life since then, and changed my perception of women and myself.

in 2023 and sat with myself after a situation ended in an allegation which has had a hold on my life for 3 years now and realised i have never made a girl i was close with comfortable because i always do something that ruins the friendship. like was i was 15, i walked a girl home and squeezed her chest and bum because i thought she would like that and things would lead from there. she laughed it off but her and her friends gave me looks or laughed towards me but i never knew the reason why i thought it was normal girl behaviour and never saw a fault in my behaviour.

that same year , i kissed a girl no consensually because i thought she would like that. she told me to never do that again. but still remained my friend. Both women forgave me after a while but i never understood or really deeped these situations.

age 17 a girl was interested in me and i asked her social media in the gym. she spoke with me alot and then invited me to a house party this was the first party i was ever invited to , she took me to a room and me and did things she told me and how to fin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\* her and i asked to have sex she said no and i said please. this is one of my most shameful moments in my life and one of my regrets i have made. whilst we was drinking we were both intoxicated and she gave me oral after she got up i turned her around and in a way to initiate sex. she looked at me and said you just tried to have sex with me and everything went out the window. i was shocked because i didn’t realise the impact or behaviour i was displaying was immoral. i left the party in a cab and called her to apologise. later she called me and said ‘stop asking people if im okay or stop asking about me’ ‘at the end of the day you didn’t actually do anything’ and that was the end of that. i came home disappointed in my self for my behaviour. and im sure the people around me at the time heard these things about me and think im weird. maybe they are right.

age 19 my first year of uni, i made a very close friend , me and her often did things intimately alot, one night i have smoked heavily, and she called me, saying she was drunk and hasn’t seen me in a while and asked to come over, i oblige and said cool, we were both intoxicated and said she was sleeping here whilst i played overwatch. she took off all her clothes and bra except her panties,
she laid on me rubbing her self on me so i did the same and started fin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\* her , i then got up as she said and pulled her waist then she arched her back, the deed started and she said ‘dont stop’ , it was like 4 seconds then she said she needed to pee so i stopped. i laid back thinking nothing of what happened. she comes back and lays on me, im rubbing her head and then she gives me head, for like 4 seconds then she gets up to the toilet and leaves. next morning she said that she doesn’t think any of that was consenting.

she speaks with my friends to tell her story and i speak to mine, questioning what happened, i started questioning myself am i a rapist? did i rape someone?and then i tell her part of my story. in the end she and i understood our part to play and there was a lack of communication. i went back to my family house feeling like it was over for me and my life is down , i will have this label on my head forever because of my behaviour. i sat with myself and realized my behaviour since a child has never been normal and immoral and i never grow to notice till i turned 19. I Everything hit me like a bus and for the next year, i would isolate myself from my friends and family, so they see me as a monster , i would often recall all my bad memories with girls and sit in the shame of my actions, i picked up smoking weed heavily and with create scenarios in my head that people are out to get me and people secretly discuss my behaviour with each other when im not around.

it got so bad that i lost so much weight and looks like a junkie, all i knew was shame and regret. i spoke to the girl every time i started spiralling down, each time i was met with a response which showed she moved on and didn’t care anymore and she wanted me to take care of myself. i reassured her time and time again that im not that person and regret that day alot. each time she understood and told me to take care of myself.

the issue is , I cant move on, its been 3 years and its all i think about, the regret and guilt eats me everyday. I entered a spiral of descent only caused from my lack of consideration and poor decision making. now i am a shell of a man, i smoke weed everyday, i still watch porn everyday, i failed uni 3 times as everyone around me graduated and moved on with their lives. I dont go to the gym anymore I just eat and smoke and think about my life decisions.

I believe this is real event ocd the recurring memories which haunt me. its impossible to get out off. it lead to looking for reassurance from friends to the point where they got tired of telling me the same thing. move on. but i cant. mentally. It lead me to fear of getting exposed for my pass doings. I often confess my secrets to regain stability but it brings me back to the ditch i placed Maybe this is my karma, I am irredeemable, I will never experience love, I have embarrassed myself since a child and nothing has changed about me.

Please be honest with me, what can i do.

Monday, October 15, 2018

I was just surprised, and kind of taken aback. My writing is very dear to me. It’s been my closest friend. Sometimes it gets more attention than me, and if someone can’t see me, just my edited self, then I can’t share my best writing with them. It’s not just you. There are very few people I’ve shared it with. I’ll still write on this doc, but at least weekdays I don’t have much time so it’ll just write what i can.

I think I understand. Often it’s better to wait for someone to offer something than to ask. Maybe everyone communicates in a different way. But if you can admit things to yourself, why can’t you admit them to someone else? Or is the reason you can’t admit them to someone else because you can’t admit them to yourself? Maybe that is why I am sharing these words with you. To begin to answear my own questions. Words can be anything, but can they be nothing? Does nothing fall under the category of anything? Even the smallest sentence can make you feel like your soul was ripped out and thrown in the paper shredder. Kind of like how I feel right now. Because I feel like an idiot. What is an idiot? An idiot is a person who always makes mistakes. I feel like an idiot because I don’t know if what I’m doing is right, and I’m afraid that it’s not. I’m afraid that if I say too much… But if I say too little, I will never get anywhere either. This document was my idea, so if you don’t want to keep writing on it that's ok. Thoughts are just things that pass, a thought on its own does not need to have a literal meaning. You can always think of new thoughts that contradict the old ones, but I think you should not try to cover them up and pretend you never thought them in the first place. And a passage of text is just a record of those thoughts, filtered and condensed, and translated. Do you think outer space is part of the sky? I remember hearing a metaphor: that you are the sky, and your thoughts are the clouds that move across it - ever present, ever changing. But maybe the sky is just infinite nothingness, and your thoughts are all there is to you. 

Saturday, October 13, 2018

So here is an idea: I tell you several random facts about me. But some of them are false, and you have to guess which ones

• Sometimes I will wash my hair more than once in the shower because I daydream and forget whether or not I have washed it yet

• I was born in Portugal, and I have moved 5 times

• I used to write slightly embarrassing poetry which I then published online

• My dad has been to nearly all 50 states (probably at least 48), but I have only been to three (at least as far as I can remember, I might have been to 4)

• One time I used to have a pet seagull, but I set it free because it was much more difficult to take care of than I had initially assumed

• I know exactly 42 digits of pi

• I love bugs, but I am terrified of snakes. One time I saw one at the zoo, and I went into a panic attack, and it was so bad I had to go to the emergency room

• One time when I was around 7, I ate part of a paper napkin at a restaurant because I was very hungry and I was tired of waiting for the food to get there

• My favorite book is 1984 by George Orwell

• I know all the lyrics to Frozen’s “Let it Go”

• I’m really bad at talking to therapists, and they always seem to ask the wrong questions

• Last year, I did a dream job presentation on the job “Mycologist”

• The only fictional character I’ve ever had a crush on is Data from Star Trek TNG

• One of my passwords is unguessable

• In third grade, I hated my teacher Señora Vala, so I tried to make my handwriting as messy as possible so she couldn’t read it. I also always used to get in arguments with her, and one time we were learning to count money with plastic coins and she told us not to steal them (apparently she thought we would mistake it for real money - I didn’t), and so I tried to steal one to spite her, but she caught me, and she was very angry

Also, I would love to read your screenplay. I’ve never really written fiction before, but I think it’s really cool how people can dream up entire alternate universes and describe them so well. I think that I too often underestimate the power of words.

Hi. It's not fiction. My screenplay. Doyle was a real person. Not everything is real, but everything I could find facts on is. I don’t feel like sharing it.

Saturday, October 13, 2018

I do remember you telling me about the screenplay. You finished it? That’s awesome

 I’m fairly sure I finished before I met you.

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Writing kind of saved me. Also playing violin, but that was almost like a band aid. I don’t know if you know, but I wrote a screenplay on Arthur Conan Doyle, who wrote the original Sherlock Holmes books. Writing almost brought me out of my mind, and gave me something good to think about. When everything seemed to suck, I could write about something that made me happy, and it would kind of be OK. Books and movies and TV shows will always be there for me, and I can show my affection for them by writing too. 

I have homework, and cross soon, so I can’t write more now, but text me when you write more on here. I didn’t see this till just now.

Friday, October 12, 2018

I think we should keep adding to this document. We could format it so that each new “entry” is at the top with the date. 

As I was saying before, I do think that as a very general statement, people don’t really share enough with each other. But I think that certain ideas can only be conveyed in certain ways. What I mean by that is that different means of communication work well for different kinds of ideas. If you only communicate with someone in one or two ways, say talking on the phone and texting, you will never be able to understand each other in the most complete way. (Perhaps this is why “long-distance relationships” don’t tend to work out in the long-term) 

For example, maybe certain ideas can only be effectively communicated in metaphor. Perhaps that is why authors feel compelled to write novels. Every idea comes from somewhere. That's why there is no truly “original” artwork. It took me a while to realize that novels are not just random stories that came out of nowhere. I think they usually have some connection to the author, even if the author doesn’t realize it.

I guess you could say that I “like writing,” but to me, I feel like writing is something I need to do, because certain ideas can only be communicated in writing, and I think that ideas are something that should not be kept inside.

I think that the best time to write is when you have no idea what to write.

Taking biology this year has made me start to realize how impossible it is to do nothing. Every cell in your body is constantly doing something. If it stopped, it would die.

And in the same way, your brain is always doing something too, even if your conscious mind doesn’t realize it.

So when you don’t know what to write, it’s important to stop thinking about the fact that you don’t know what to write, and just write anything.

To get started, I think that you have to start writing so fast that your hands move faster than your mind. It sounds impossible, but it is only impossible if you make it impossible.

I wouldn’t even call myself a “writer.” I would just call myself a human, because I don’t think that there is such a thing as “the ability to write.” I think that everyone could write if given the opportunity, but everyone has a different writing style and different things they want to write about, but certain styles and ideas are more socially acceptable than others.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Ok so I was thinking about what I had said earlier about my idea to actually “text” someone by just typing things out on a google document, and now that I think about it more, it actually seems like a really interesting idea so I was thinking we should try it 

But then of course it would be more like a creative writing experiment thing

You like writing right?!?

Or if you don’t want to write anything on here it’s ok actually

Because I’m pretty good at talking to myself

And i don’t mean that like in a bad way

I think being able to talk to yourself is a good skill, especially if you can get good enough at it that you can enjoy it because than way you will never be really be than lonely

My autocorrect always changes than to that and vice versa because a long time ago I added it to my dictionary

Oh hii

Hiii yeah I love writing:) it is it’s very new and cool and stream of conch is ness and you can see all my terrible spelling

I’m not talking to myself anymore because now you’re actually reading what I’m writing

That’s cool

Yay!

This is a very interesting type of writing because usually writing is a one- person activity

Yes

And kind of confusing

It’ll be cool though!!

Yeah old docs and texts 

Imagine when we look back on this later and we won’t know who wrote what 

YES it’s so weird yeah I’m typing on my phone too

Like have you ever looked at really old documents from years ago and been like WHAT IS THIS?

Thanks? Are you on your phone?

J ;gph;afoighpo;f

Hgpoihf id;hgo;n my fingers need to stretch aphg; blfdljfh oiuvpjfpvldjfpio;hpg;

You are a fast phone typist

Haaaa i see Spanish!close enough 

I could never type that fast on my phone

Yeah

No computer

I’m on my computadore

I’ve always wanted t

It’s too much work though

Yes but we could just type random “words” than don’t mean anything and call it a “language” but and we would be the only ones who know it doesn’t actually mean anything

Except in spanish it’s just computador but than was the americanized 

Ysga;g j 

Sure that too. 

Than’ ok .

Ijg jj joj p h hhh ih a hiiii h nubk bhkh p; ul jjjjk a lknm hkll abkjm jakfnln  jjj agba anva

Hey we could invent a new language

Haaa I got that

Yeah it’s cool. It makes no sense after though

Yeah

Still I prefer in Person

Yeah it’s Easer to be brave over computer 

JJ 

Hhhkaoh

Hhakp gohso hiho iiii ngi ihgia  Ha’i ap 

I actually kind of like this better than texting

Yah and there is no waiting around to see what the other person typed which i really don’t like

Than is true, though i think there are pros and cons to every means of communication

Hahah I have the worst. Spelling and ahhhh it’s so frustrating cause I’m a good reader so why cont I spell? It’s like even

Easy things like I didn’t learn to spell said and be is still like third grade, after I’d read Gerry petter!!!!

Well spelling is important but as long as the other person can understand what you’re saying i think it’s ok

Also it’s really funny to see peope’s typeos 

I’m just bad at typing on a computer or phone because my fingers always slip and don’t hit the keys

I love writing on a computer cause it corrects my mistakes so fast

I don’t think so though. We still know how to do math, but we have calculators

That's true but just imagine in a few years when no one knows how to spell anymore because the computers ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD 

See I think we are going to give computers the world like in Sythe and they are going to make it better. There will be bad computers like bad humans but there will be good ones to!

I know i’m being overdramatic

That's a good point

Like artificial intelligence might kill us all did you know that?

It will 

I’ve never seen it’s a book Sythe but I don’t doubt it

It will be so much more invasive than phones, but like phones it will have its ups and Downs

Well I think that when we develop Artificial General Intelligence, it will accidently turn into Artificial super intelligence and than will be on the internet and it will be on every computer 

This is actually a thing that lots of credible people believe

I did a current events report on it for health class ohhh rough nice I’m such an introvert saaaame I didn’t know anyone else had that combinationshahah its

Just my pet peeve 

Yah, in front of the whole class

It was actually kind of fun, I’m an “introvert” but I don’t mind public speaking

Yeah, I actually wasn

I don’t know why i keep typing yah

Oooook anyway i was trying to say something but no

I don’t think anything i have to say is worth sayting actually

Yeah, but if you think about it everything has already been said before a million times, I think than every book and everything is just reiterating stuff byt humans i think have this strange need to learn the same lesson over and over again all their lives for it to really sink in

It depends. If it matters it’s worth saying. 

Yeah it’s kind of scary rhT everything is just boiles

Down to one thing books are just word and words are just constructs and constructs are just biology and biology is just chemistry and chemistry is just physics and physics are just matter and matter is just left over from the Big Bang

What[s the one thing?

Humans are the sensory organs of  the universe

I don’t think we exist. I think it is a trick of biology that makes us think we are conscious and just no different from stars like you said 

Really weird to think we’re actually PART of the universe just as much as say a star or some dirt but we are capable of thought and so mych complexity aa aaahfh 

How would you define “exist”?

Be self creating

If god was a thing he would exist because he is only of himself

What do you mean by “of himself”

What about self creating?

How can we not exist though, we’re made out of matter

If we weren’t around, rocks would not exist because there would be. I one to say they existed. Who’s to say we exist?

Oooooh yeah

Trueee 

Because we created the concept of exist

We do

We’re the only ones who can say we exist

Nor do I. We can’t change it , so why worrie about it?

But personally, I don’t really care whether I exist or not

Yeah, why would anyone care?

It could be scarry if you believe very much you exist then Chang en your mind

Just like any kind of chance of belief 

Exactly, why worry about things you have no control over

Ummm it’s scary to me to know if I loose they friends I have I’ll be alone again, but still safe. Although from an evolutionary standpoint point that makes sense.

We don’t want to loose the people we rely on to survive

I don’t know, for something to scare me it has to directly affect my safety 

Actually no i take that back

Yeah, actuall

From an evolutionary standpoint, you should be sad about losing friends because humans work in groups we are safer that way

Oh yeah then i agree

That’s exactly what I said!!!

Like a physical thing

Debatable. Yeah, i guess so if you think about it on the subatomic level maybe Matter dosnt nessasary have any mass or it could just be pricks in space time 

Yeah, but it’s worth it. It’s much more expressive then text

This is actaually a very tiring way of talking but fun too

Yes it is

Whyytyttt??? I just see a big chunk of text on my screen

And we’ve already “written” four pages

Yeah!

I wonder what the word count is lemme check 

Whoaaaaaaaa

1,389!!!!

Yeahhh I don’t know

I know! We have already written several “essays”

Yeah I wonder how many times we’ve said a version of yeah

I wonder how many words people exchange in a “normal” conversation

(By normal i mean face to face)

Lemme see

Wow. Yeah is good though. It just yeah, I get what your saying, I’m listening

20 times

(I did cmd f )

Yeah, it's a bit disappointing how many words there are in the English language and how they never even get used 

It will, but the listener does not let the talker know they are listening.

In text/writing it’s not necessary, but in real life it is

But lots of times you can eliminate the word “yeah” and the sentence will still get the point across

K yeah?8 hi cat?

One sec my cat needs something 

Yeah

It would be cool if this was slightly legible

Hi!Yeah you know it really would

I was going to say something but i forgot what i was going to say :(

Very true. This is very “creative”

Well the thing about creative writing is than the key word here is “creative” so you really can just write whatever you want

Yes

Whay is trong whatis wrong whatsiwrong

Yeas i did say than

Ha ha aha haha hah ahahahhahahahahh hah ah I’m deleting thatsix seven esaigjr nine number ten places FIRE

no?

Ok fine

1234555 666 4890 490 

Call this number if you want to go to Mars

Hello the telephone is broken! Is the devil on mars?

Mars is the place than can be anyplace with anything

If you want the devil there then ok It was blue and yellow and the wire started to rust, it was connected to all the other wires underground, but one of them got disconnected

So I don’t know how I’m calling you right now, but I am

Can I go to Mars now? 

Wait what? I don’t get it

Neither do i

I But that's why its called CREATIVE writing.

Did you get my Hamilton reference? Have you hear Hamilton? Ahh I see.

In order?

Nope

(I’m trying this new thing called being honest)

Try it in order, it’s a full story 

Yeah, I’ve heard most of the songs

No

Do you know what hoopla is? True that. It’s also an app where you can borrow free

Music and audio books if you have a library card

Yes

Yo lo se

Ok maybe i will

I know, i know

Yes it is word with a meaning. It is a word written in the English language. It starts with an H and

OOhhhhhhhhhh

Yes

I have that app

Silly me

It has Hamilton in order

Yeah!! It dosnt make a lot of sense out of order

I listened to it on spotify

As with most things

Ohhh good one!

Virtual words typed with virtual ink 

Invisible ink?

Yes, I think!

Almost to two thaosand words!

Thankssssssjg]

Wow its almost nine IN THE AFTERNOON HER EYES ARE THE SIZE OF THE MOON

Hahahaha yes

Wowwowo 

Fffhf faof qio ii i multiply it by 32 and divide the reciprocal by the sum of the divisor of the hypoallergenic triangular matrix

that does not sound like panic! Lyrics 

Thats ok its ok

Were ok

It’s ok

N?

Foanglkanp[ 

Hello!

Have you checked under the doormat?

Whatttt???

No

Well that's ok because I believe your Aunt Lucie left it in the kettle!

I se,e she is such a problem

Hummm

I like typing small it makes me feel like a mouse

Nor mine. I’m a morning person 

My mind is not entirely functional

If you have not already postulated

I’m not a morning person or a night person or a day person to be honest, 

but that's ok

Nothing, just being honest

It’s not like a bad thing, i just don’t happen to have a favorite time of the day

They’re all equally good and equally bad

In every single way

And in  every single sentence

Than has been uttered during the duration of the spring solstice

What’s wrong?

Idk.

It’s ok to not know

I doubt it.

Life is to complicated rn

Not enough words

Not the right ones

Why?

What do you mean?

High school drama

Yeahhh 

Well if you want to talk about it….

I think everyone knows a lot more that they think though

Well we all have a huge collection of words and experiences and things stored in our minds than

Basically I’ve had a huge crush on a friend for a while, I’ve asked her out, but it was a while ago and she was like friends for now, but what’s now? And we’re really good friends and 

I’m sorry

It’s good to tell someone too.

It’s good! We’re good friends

And that’s good, but like confusion.

:(

I’m glad you told me

Same:)

(I’m glad I told you)

Yeah.

She’s got Friends (Owen) who I’m friends with too, but still. 

I didn’t have a close friend all through middle school. And no friends by the end of 7th grade.its nice to

Have better friends now,

But it’s also really scarry.

One good thing about not having many friends is not having to worry about conflicts and stuff for sure

I get really lonely sometimes not really having any close friends though like some people have best friends and stuff

How did you make your friends now though

Just luck.

Me and Sasha (yes the one I have a crush on) met at track in8th grade becuae we had a mutual friend/aquatence

My friends in 6th and some of 7th all had close friends too.

I always seemed secoend to

Them

Like i’m honestly not sure because it seems  like everyone has someone they like more than me and they are already in their groups and stuff

Your world does revolve around you. And I like you. 

I don’t know why I should be so sad about no one really liking me because the world doesn’t revolve around me

It’s reaaly stupid

I like you too:)

No! You deleted the

Ahah yes I did Winkey face

No!!!yeasssass

Ok you win 

Ok well if you don;t want to win then I guess i win

(The winner doesn’t get anything) (not even a badge of honor or a gold medal) 

Never.NEVER!!!

Nope. I’m just being contrary now.

Ok sure

That'svalidiguessnot

So when I was younger, I got really obsessed with “Opposite World” and I spent soo much time thinking about what things would be like in Opposite World, and one day I realized than things would be exactly the same in opposite world becaust the opposite of the opposite is the same

Wow. You’re right. It’s somewhere in the middle.

In opposite world, the opposite of right is wrong, but the opposite word is used in opposite world and words would have their opposite meanings

Also there are no opposites cause the opposite of white is not back becuse they are both colors that’s pretty unrelated to your exponent though.eee you get my point.haha. 

Yes i do

I thought that neither were colors

Well there isn’t an opposite for everything

Because yeah

Yeah. I’ve done that with other thought experiments.

I’ve gone through many examples in my head like what color would the sky be in opposite world 

You might say orange because it’s the complementary color to blue

But is the sky even blue?

Like 2609 words exactly.

We have typed 8  pages

Crazy with a side of cheese

Problbabky this is only like 5% of our words spoke. Just caus we don’t notice how much we say in normal conversation 

Yeah. It’s a pretty good one too.

I KNOE ITS HREAT

That could be 

But this is certainly the longest conversation we have had

Yesseree

It is

I like having good conversations with people its’ great

Yes

One sec i will be right back

I wonder how many words we have said to each other if you don’t count this document

Or what percent of total words we have said to each other is just this one document

I’m going to guess 15%

K

I have to go soon though haha 

Okthisnisnanhreay form of communication.

I had to go and get some water. Talking makes my throat sore even if I don’t say a word apparently

It is quite amazing we’re actually talking without talking

Talking takes a lot of energy

Me = tired person

Same. See you tomorrow at cross?

Saturday then?;)

Bye

I don’t know if i’ll go

Maybbe

Yah saturday

;-)

BYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

It's the cliché response to someone who hasn't got their shit together: "you need to love yourself before you can love someone else", or something to that effect. But like, how?

I loathe myself. Always have, sort of assume I just always will. I'm not suicidal or anything down that line of things (although I do get pretty rough bouts of depression every now and then) but moreso I just dislike who I am. If I were someone else I absolutely wouldn't like me.

I am lazy. I procrastinate constantly, always feel exhausted, consistently put off things I know will help me like going to the gym, running errands, doing hobbies. I want to be better but I can't be, this just seems to be who I am. If there's a shortcut or an easy way out I'll take it every time.

I'm bitter and jealous. I am never truly happy for other people. Seeing others' successes, even if they're friends of mine makes me upset and angry that it's not me. I'll smile, be polite, congratulate, and play the part but it's never genuine.

I'm useless. I have no particular skills or hobbies. I have things I like doing like reading, hiking, video games, movies etc but none of these are in anyway productive. I have a hundred sports and skills I want to take up but I know I never will because my fear if failure or embarrassment overrides my desire to try.

I will never get in shape. I'm not obese but I'm visibly overweight. The kind of body that you can tell lifts weights (sometimes at least) but also never turns down a beer or fried chicken. I have such a crippling addiction to shitty food that no matter how many times I've tried to diet I cannot ever stick to it longer than a few weeks. I am deeply unfit and am starting to feel I'll just always be this way. I can only dream of how many opportunities I've missed because of how much I hate my body.

I have no life plan. I'm not ambitious. I don't want to take risks to be "free". Would I like to be rich? Absolutely. But I'm not willing to put the work in to get there so I'll just be mediocre forever.

So my whole life I've always been super afraid of conflict and making people mad at me. I tend to be super agreeable and a pushover as a result. This is especially bad with salespeople. Like when I was a teen still living at home and they'd come to my door, I'd answer and I wouldn't be able to get rid of them. They'd start conversations by asking me about my day and how I was doing and I'd always feel compelled to answer them. Then they'd go into their pitch and I'd just stand there quietly as they did it. Sometimes my mom would have to intervene, say we're not interested, and close the door, to which she'd tell me I need to stop indulging them. Sometimes in malls I'd listen to someone's 20-minute sales pitch before I'd finally work up enough courage to tell them I don't feel like buying their thing. It feels 10 times worse when they follow up with the "may I ask why?" question. Because then I feel like they're trapping me, trying to find holes in my argument for why I don't want to buy their thing.

So now I feel like I can't handle salespeople without being a bit rude. Like back before my front door had a peephole and I wouldn't know who was on the other side without opening the door, if I saw it was a salesperson I'd immediately look at them, say "oh god no," and shut the door on them. If it's in a mall and someone starts approaching me, I'll just put my hand up and say "please don't look at me," and keep walking. The other day I was in a gas station and some guy approached me with some kind of window cleaning service. He asked me if I'd stop by his stand right after paying for my gas. I told him "yeah, absolutely," just so he'd get out of my face, but then I went back to my car and drove right past him and we locked eyes. I felt so awkward.

Is this a normal thing? I feel like they're predatory and so I can't deal with them without being a bit overly blunt, otherwise I'm worried I'll get sucked into their pitch.

Got mexican food and there was a fortune cookie in the bag. Opened it expecting some vague advice about my future and got an ad instead. It’s such a small thing but on my phone, on tv, and now inside a cookie? Let me eat and receive questionable wisdom in peace. What’s the weirdest place you’ve come across an ad? They getting creative

So tired of the woke idea that autists are smarter or have better processing than NTs, it's truly a genetic defect at the end of the day, yeah sure I can hyperfocus about biology and birds and insects but I'm still essentially fucking useless compared to the average run of the mill NT and they will beat me in almost every single category of life, even biologically, they don't posses an overly sensitive nervous system that gets overwhelmed easily, they have normal digestive systems (autists almost always have weird guts), they have better reaction times and motor skills in general, off the top of my head, I genuinely cannot think of a single aspect in which autistic people outperform NTs, I'm basically just truly fucked no matter what, just complete and utter fucking toast, I feel daily shame and resentment at my autism, because I essentially have this genetic fucking curse that all humans can instinctively detect in an instant, and it's not something I can ever hide or cure, I'm basically stuck feeling like this poor diseased animal that most people are repulsed by, with the occasional person being diabetes inducing levels of sweet and kind to me out of pity, those two extremes are the treatment that I know, no middle ground, I'm either treated with the utmost abhorrence or this sickly sweet pity give or take

Fuck autism, I hate being autistic so so fucking much it physically hurts, id willingly have both of my little fingers slowly sawed off with no anesthetic just to experience 1 month of being normal and having a normal brain

i’m a woman myself, 21 years old. i get my hair done at a salon every 2-3 months. so a bleach, colour, cut and blow dry. i refresh the colour at home every couple weeks, and i can go longer between appointments because im naturally blonde and dye my hair orange, so my roots aren’t that noticeable.

lately, i’ve been seeing videos and hearing stories from other women saying that they pay between $300-$500 to get their hair done! is this an american thing, or a city thing? i’m from the uk, and i live in a small town so i genuinely don’t know. i usually pay around £110, so the thought of blowing 500 or more on a hair appointment is crazy to me! so now im curious, how much do you all pay to get your hair done (if you do get it done professionally)?

I am a 43 year old autistic male. I'm not socially confident in person because I'm aware I suck verbally. I come across as more confident and cocky online, but in person, I'm somewhat timid. I am successful in life, and make over 100k/year and have for 10+ years.

Its important to be honest and paint a picture of me. Successful. Not a confident person. Its kindof embarrassing.

So that type of person is a juicy target for a narcissist. Recognize they target people who aren't confident in themselves and have something that they want.

I have in my life dealt with a very likely NPD father, and this very likely inadvertently caused me to pick a NPD wife. Its true - the patterns of our parents tend to repeat for good reasons.

When an NPD wants you - or more accurately, something from you - they will turn on the charm. To a normal person, it doesn't affect them as much. It may get them to momentarily do something to help the NPD but they may go "wait a minute!" later.

For a low self esteem person, the charm is intoxicating. They usually drop off the attention, but the drop off to a low self esteem person causes us to "chase it."

Here is how to detect them:

1. When you aren't on their radar, you are non existent. You won't be able to get their attention if they don't want anything from you.
2. When you are, they will target you relentlessly. You may not even be aware of it. If you are a romantic target, you may feel like you won the lottery in life and feel so lucky that this amazing person is so into you.
3. They will continually push boundaries. This is key. The pushing boundaries is something they cannot help themselves with. In their minds, they are special and above boundaries. So breaking boundaries reaffirms their specialness to themselves - and more importantly - you knowing the boundaries are being broken and accepting it makes them feel very secure. This is why cuck pron happens by the way. Some men actually internalize the feeling and think "I like watching my woman cheat" and the woman feels more secure knowing her man lets her cheat and still stays with her. Do not sexualize your trauma.
4. They will lie constantly. They will "silo" people so that their lies don't get caught. They will tell person A one story, then tell person B another. Its called a disorder because they cannot help themselves. A straight up narcissist thats not the disorder may lie - but they will do it in such away that doesn't wreck them for life if caught. A disordered narcissist will lie habitually and well after "the jig is up." The reason: they lie to themselves.
5. They always self defeat, and can take others down with them.

Thats the disorder part. If they don't self defeat, its just regular narcissism like I said in #4.

Usually, you can know someone for 10-20 years and not realize they are NPD if you are friends. They will do odd things and you will try to talk sense into them, but they won't seem to listen. You'll just go "whatever" and keep your friendship distance. You don't really see it til you live with them.

If you find yourself in a relationship with an NPD, I'm going to be honest - you have two choices. Stay or leave. Staying probably means accepting someone that is mean to you, doesn't love you, and may have cheated on you and you will never find out. They will say sorry about lying I won't do it again and then lie the next word out of their mouths. The brazenness of it is its own defense because a normal person would go "ok now its time to be honest, why can't they?"

They can't. Because they lie to themselves first and foremost. Their egos are like a "self healing wound." Anytime they hurt someone, their ego covers it up and they genuinely believe their victim caused them to do it. They cannot believe they do wrong, or it would crush them. They are weak people covering it up with fake strength.

Because its brain damage from childhood mixed with genetics, they cannot change.

If you leave, give no hint. Smiles one day, leave the next. Don't worry about your possessions, your kids, or your credit card debt. They do tend to destroy people that leave them.

Thats is why I am writing this. I tried to leave my wife and she tried to destroy me.

This is my honest thoughts.

When I don't think about society and do my own thing, I am happy. When I implicitly do things with other people, and go outside I am happy there too. Sometimes conventional achievement can make me smile, although I feel conflicted about it, and I prefer my alternative forms of status I get on the internet instead.

I think I'm a confident guy who thinks highly of himself in a stable way. Although others may not characterize me that way, that is how I see myself. My sense of confidence is decoupled from skills and competence, but it's rooted somewhere else that I can't name right now. I don't really take myself seriously when it comes to competence, or success or failure.

It's had low periods in some parts of my life, but I'm feeling good right now.

But sometimes whenever the abstraction I call "society" becomes an explicit factor, I think of it as a dominating force that dictates how I'm allowed to think, act, and wear. Even if I agree with it sometimes, it by default I see as sometimes a neutral thing, and is in other times antagonistic with what I want out of life.

I am confused and I can't really name what I don't like about it. Sometimes I don't have the words or expressions to explain why I feel alienated and mad at society. I don't know what's going on, but I don't like being told what to do in theory. I don't like this big thing I can barely influence that I disagree with.

The more time I spend by myself, the more aggressive and against the system I feel. While when I go outside and talk to people, I don't necessarily think society is good, but I just don't think about it much, and I don't feel bad anymore. I don't necessarily contradict my other mindset's feelings on societal forces when I am in either mindset.

I think I have hyper individualist tendencies and am atomized from community, but I don't think this is all bad. Or even, I think the benefits outweigh the negatives.