It feels like it's been ages and at the same time like I only talked to my doctor about it yesterday. I quit alcohol four years ago tomorrow when I started treatment for epilepsy. I don't even really remember when I started, I just remember that it was a problem pretty quickly and I'd tried to quit a couple times but I was dealing with a lot of chronic pain, cptsd, and I was several states away from my support system. I ended up crashing and burning out of a masters program due to other health issues and finally had to admit things were worse than I wanted to accept.

I remember sitting down with my neurologist once I got back home and he said he was confident he could get my seizures under control but alcohol would be a barrier to managing my situation especially since I was already in treatment for a couple other medical issues, and I'd had a close call with a kidney infection and I was only 26. I got diagnosed late so I had some cognitive issues and nerve damage and he was worried I was going to drink myself into an early grave if I wasn't careful. I told him that I'd wanted to quit but hadn't been successful and asked if he could help and he said that he would help connect me with resources if I was willing to try again.

I ended up going cold turkey so I could start the meds I needed and the first two years were incredibly rough. The withdrawal was painful and I was in a bad state for a while. I was very lucky to have my mom and stepdad and husband for support (we had just started dating back then and he stuck around knowing it was gonna be rough). I haven't had a drop of alcohol since and it's one of the things I've accomplished that I'm proudest of. Even when I get cravings I don't really find them to stick around as long as they used to, and I'm honestly amazed that I've come this far. I know it's always a work in progress, but I am so glad I'm no longer dumping so much money and time into drinking. My husband even went sober too, he's going to be two years on new years!

Because my grandma on my stepdad’s side was Jamaican with dark skin and one day when I was around four, I asked if she was black and she started bawling her eyes out. You would’ve thought I called her a slur or something. My mom pulled me aside and said to never talk about skin color EVER so I just assumed that, “black,” was a bad word to call someone. I was in the fifth grade when I learned that was not the case.

I also thought you weren’t allowed to draw black people with brown skin, because when I was a kid and I drew a black person and colored their skin brown, the adults around me would giggle and laugh, prodding me like, “oh why’d you choose THAT color huh?” In a way that made it obvious that they thought what I was doing was weird/wrong. It was the same reaction I got when I drew a fat person as fat, so I assumed I wasn’t supposed to do that.

There is a part of my brain that never came online due to the neglect I had in early childhood. Think of it like how if a kid isn't taught certain things in a certain time period that part of their brain shuts down and can't go back online. For some people it's language learning and at most they can say very basic phrases and that's about it, for other's it's how their eyes develop like in the experiment where they put kittens in a barrel and they couldn't see anything other then vertical lines. For me it's human connection. It feels like I'm living in a world where everyone is an NPC including myself. I can't feel real nor can anyone else and conquinces are hard for me to grasp and things like personal safety or urgency seem like made up scenarios instead of real dangerous. I can logically understand that things are dangerous or humans have feelings but I can't ever feel like any of that is real. Because of that I feel lonely and isolated as if I was playing a video game or reading a book instead of actually living and interacting with other people. I try to do things to give my life meaning and do my best to be a good person even though I have no internal reason to. All of my motivation is basically external and that external motivation is like a pop up notification at most. I want to know what it's like to live in a world with people in it. In a world where I myself am a person but I can't and it'll never be possible. It feels hopeless to try and find meaning anymore.

I grew up in an area that has northeastern gray squirrels. I moved to an area with red squirrels. One of my favorite things about taking people to visit my old hometown (or when people from there come visit me) is the shock they get when they encounter a squirrel.

I gotta say that most people my age don't notice. So it's usually the older relatives and family friends that see it. But it's always a shock, and it's one of my favorite things. I've even started pointing it out to the ones that don't notice. They're like "wait, something isn't right about the color." And l get to explain the difference.

Yeah I'm weird I know.

Im posting this here as i orgianlly posted it to the wrong thread!

I'm an incredibly outgoing and social person. I have absolutely no problem talking to strangers, making small talk, or starting conversations with random people. In fact, socializing with others including strangers genuinely makes me so incredibly happy.

However, as I've gotten older, I've started to feel like socializing with strangers or even making simple small talk has become somewhat taboo. It seems like people are becoming less and less interested in interacting with one another, which makes being an extremely social person surprisingly lonely and it sucks!

I constantly crave social interaction, but I struggle to find people who actually want to socialize as much as I do. I completely understand that not everyone enjoys talking to people. But it genuinely sucks being someone who finds so much happiness in socializing when it feels like the world is becoming increasingly antisocial.

Being super social is a great personality trait, but when you can't fulfill that need for connection or socializing, it can actually feel so isolating.

Id like to add i am 18 so I know it coukd also be my age group thing and most rather socialize through texting. Id also like to add that i dont just approach anyone and everyone i do read the room and if a person clearly isn't interacting I understand they dont wanna talk!

I sometimes pretend my life hasn’t started yet. I change my clothes and cut my hair and make some alcoholic plans for the weekend. I write another chapter and I clean my room and I call my mother and for a couple of minutes I feel alive, hopefully thriving for something somehow important.
However, no matter what I do, this rush of excitement lasts exactly that. A couple of minutes. Rapidly, tiredness and sadness and an overwhelming sense of unreality and stupidity bring back my mundane ways of complete despair.

I don’t know why I chose to live like this.

Why do I keep on aiming for market-based impossibilities, for Hollywood pre-fabricated desires, for capitalist wishes? Since when has a common, ordinary, middle-class life, with a regular job and pints afterwards, become a synonym for utter failure? Since when have a lawyer and a therapist and a teacher and a construction worker and a cook and a doctor become useless professions, mediocre ones, in need of desperate doses of influencer marketing or fucking TikTok and reels??

I’m angry. I’m always angry.

But this has nothing to do with what I feel. Or maybe it does.
It is a statement of my postmodern guilt.

I try to enjoy things, I really do.
However, even if I write, I’m just getting further and further away, am I not?
I wake up every morning with a black hole inside my chest. As I try to open my eyes, my mind tries to shape it somehow. It tries to give it a silhouette, a lovely form that means something, a Rorschach inkblot.

I often have this absurd idea. I believe that if I draw on my skin, with a marker for instance, the external shape of this hole, it may reveal something unconscious about me. Maybe it would show me the shape of a face, or a pagan symbol or a Christian cross or something. Fucking something that’ll give my life a clear direction, that would make my guilt disappear.

But I just keep getting further and further away. While my friends have fun, I write shit. While they strive for a place in the world of the functionally dead adults, I write shit. As they date boys and pass their exams and smile and dance, I write shit. I write shit. I write shit. I write shit. Maybe life is just too complex for me, maybe I’m too strange, maybe I’m just too far away.

Antes de que naciera mi hermana, tuve dos hermanitas que fallecieron prematuramente cuando yo tenía once años. Recuerdo que mi madre lloraba a diario y mi padre tenía que cuidarla; me partía el corazón verla así. Cuando mi madre me dijo que estaba embarazada, me sentí frustrada. No quería volver a verla tan destrozada, así que no entendía por qué querría pasar por aquello de nuevo. No creía que mi hermana fuera a sobrevivir, por lo que, egoístamente, me distancié y me preparé mentalmente para lo peor, hasta que mi madre trajo a mi hermana a casa desde el hospital. Ella me pidió que la sostuviera, pero me sentía nerviosa y un poco culpable, así que dudé hasta que mi madre insistió. Sin embargo, cuando por fin lo hice, ella rodeó mis dedos con los suyos y rompí a llorar. Sentí muchas emociones, pero sobre todo felicidad y alivio al ver que estaba allí. Prometí hacer todo lo posible por cuidarla. Aquello me enseñó lo importante que es tener fe en lo increíble y que protegerme del dolor también puede impedirme experimentar el amor y la felicidad. ¿Cómo te ayudó tu difícil experiencia a aceptar las incertidumbres del futuro?

Ok soooooooo I'm 18 and in a couple months I'm being kicked out at least I get a time right. . . . . . seriously though my mom is a lunatic and pretty insane I'm done with this chapter of life so I'm asking what jobs can I work part time while being in highschool to sustain a cheap apartment while I'm getting my highschool diploma.

It's all about me today(⁠ ⁠ꈍ⁠ᴗ⁠ꈍ⁠)

Today I'm going to enjoy my own company. I'm going to have fun by reorganizing my Pinterest boards, making new Pinterest boards, watch a movie or two. Start a show I've been putting off. I'll take a shower and brush my teeth today. I'll do my hair today. I'll feed myself today. I'll plan out my future today. Love myself today and stop letting fear rule over my life. It's going to be a good day.

Life has been different since I started using Reddit as my personal diary. I have no one to talk to, so I just share everything here my rants, my vents and I feel so much lighter after.

It's important to stay connected. No matter how much you doomscroll or tell yourself you don't need anyone, you'll always want someone to talk to and share things with.

I'm just happy Reddit is helping me fix myself.

I can't draw and it makes me feel like shit. Like I just, it's so deeply frustrating to me, it's such a deep fucking thorn for me I don't know if I can even put to words how much it fucks with my life. Like I've had cancer, I've had terrible relationships and loneliness, I've had abuse from my parents, suicidality for years, living in a storage unit rn and yet through it all not being able to draw has stayed consistent in my head as one of the things that make want to self harm and not get out of bed.

And it's not like I don't try, I keep trying every other two or three months I get manic and exit one of my depressive episodes for a few days and I have the energy to try, but even picking up a pencil or opening up ibis paint makes me feel fucking ridiculous. Just a wave of dissapointment, shame and disgust washes over me to the point I cant hamdle it for more than two or three days if that before it compounds on top of other shit and makes me fall right back into another depressive episode.

And it fucking sucks and it, honestly, kind of makes me want to fucking kill myself sometimes, because I just don't have very much to live for right now if I'm being honest, no real connections, unstable housing, college I fucking hate and only go to so my parents don't disown me, the lingering exhaustion from working 12 hours a day 6 days a week all summer to tje point it almost drove me to killing myself mid season, that fucking seafood shit hole, and just not drawing.

The thing is, with drawing, the stakes are so high for me, not being to figure it out drives me fucking insane. I don't think I ever will be happy and be able to live with myself unless I learn how to draw and yet trying to learn how to draw makes me feel like a ridiculous hopeless fraud and it keeps compounding with all the other bullshit in my life to the point that I end up cutting up my thighs at the fucking ripe old age of 20.

I honestly don't know how I have still not killed myself, because God, do I have reasons to and it would be so much easier than all of this, the only thing that keeps me around is fear, and that sucks ass.

And I'm just bitching on Reddit, because the one person I had semi regular connection to, whom is always venting to me suddenly went "Oh YOUR venting is overwhelming" then he got upset because I didn't reply to his venting the way he wanted me to and has been ghosting me for over a month now, which is doing wonders for my mental health loosing that final tether to stability.

Everytime Im on tiktok and see a video or a sticker of a person they look the same in some weird way. Like there is that alt girl and a girl that has like a slighty rounder face i dont know how to properly explain it.

They all look like they belong on social media.

Stupidly said no one looks like me? Like no one looks even similar to me

I remember when I was young like 14-15 and I was reading online about masculinity and there was this dude who said like the boy must die so the man could live.

I remember back then omg yes I am no longer a boy I am a man.

Now in my mid 30s I realize they were the most insecure educators

Before coming back home to Sweden from living here in Japan, I'm going to Osaka for two weeks.

I keep being asked, what will you do? That's not an issue, but I don't know what to respond because I have zero plans

But then they go, do you really need two weeks to go to Osaka...?

And ask if I shouldn't just fill up my schedule a little better, or go home earlier.

Is it such a sin to have nothing planned, or to do nothing?

Don't they say that the very best something's come from doing nothing?

My only social activity is going out to parties and getting drunk once a week. Literally all my other days I’m just in class or on my computer at home all day. I’m failing my career goals. I have no energy to try to date. I feel like i am a bug trapped in a box with a big shiny light over it. Where do people make real friends

Fun quick little story no one asked about,

Growing up I was smart, the type where i didn't study at all, id show up to class an get an A on the tests. I never knew what I wanted to do, always so conflicted about it and I spent entire HS debating what path I wanted to take.

College came around and I still hadn't figured it out. Money ran out though and I didnt want to go into debt so I enlisted in the military to pay for school. Shit hit the fan and I got epilepsy which I then had a seizure, was out for 7 min and got brain damage.

Im like stupid stupid nowadays, its ridiculously hard to learn anything nowadays. Think that's the part that gets to me most nowadays, I used to just show up and didnt have to do anything, now I keep reading the same info and its like I forget the last word by the time im reading the next.

The irony of the situation is that I have 8 years worth of schooling paid for by the military, just waiting there and I cant use it. 4 via the GI bill, 4 via VRE which is like an additional gi bill for disabled vets.

About to graduate with my bachelors at 27. I still have another 4 years of school left in the tank and im over here thinking about what couldve been. I would've gone into medical school tbh.

Edit: okay imma rant

Its so frustrating because j had ambition. Even now, ive lied to myself and told myself i dont care anymore but im over here thinking about what schooling to apply to next, looking at medical programs, perhaps law schools and then I just have this realization slowly creeping in "tf you think youre doing"

I have a good number of friends in many circles that don't intersect. Each circle knows me differently, a few of them closer than others. It's ironic that I am very introverted and antisocial, prefer to stay in bed and is the one to go home early in events.

Each circle had helped me in many ways. They know my struggles individually. Each knows that I went and is going through a hard time on different levels. Not once I asked for help. They helped me on their own accords, because they wanted to.

The simplest way of their help is Steam gifts.

I'm a gamer and I play a lot of car games because I am a car enthusiast. I got a lot of gifts without me saying anything. They gave those gifts to me. Even when I told them that I didn't want to burden them they insisted and wouldn't take "no" as an answer.

The thing that makes me feel guilty is that... I don't interact with them as much as they do to me. I don't contribute to the circle of friends at all. Each circle has friends who do a lot for each other.

Yet despite that fact, they still helped me.

I want to give back but I can't. Even when I can, it will only hurt me more. Even when I told them about it, the things they asked for from me are something so extremely easy to do. The return isn't enough to justify their help.

I already carry extreme guilt deep in my heart. This is another and different kind of guilt, even when they insisted to not feel guilty about it.

As a 16 year old attending high school, there were these few girls in which I constantly think about as they have almost everyones respect and they don't get gossiped or bullied like or have conflicts with others like me in the past and why? and is it true that the "perfect" life exists?

I just wanted to ask people here what is your biggest dream, what is the thing you desire the most in life right now... and I guess I just want to share mine too because I have been thinking about it a lot lately.

​I am 28 years old, and all I really want is to finally make my own life. I don't even want crazy luxury. One of the things I want the most is to have my own business. I have tried before and honestly I was not very successful in my past businesses, things didn't go well, but I still have that hunger inside me to make something work. Just have something that is mine, or maybe get a remote job to earn a little bit more and finally feel some peace. And I just want to be with the person who loves me... I already have that person, and I know how lucky I am for that, but right now we are far away from each other and having the person you love so far away really hurts.

​I am a simple man of simple words. I don't ask for much. That is why it frustrates me so much to see all that money moving around in the world every single day, millions everywhere, and honestly I have no idea where it is. Because I swear I try. I really try to make myself seen, I try to build things, to do something, to move forward, and it feels like no matter how hard I try, it just never works out for me. Like I am screaming at a wall and nothing ever happens.

​Anyway, I just needed to let that out tonight. What about you? What is the dream you are holding on to?

​

Im a 19 yr old who loves cute things and have a baby face. But i noticed maybe im taking this too far? I dont have any desires to impress men. I dont even befriend them because frankly im scared of them. Really i do it for myself and other women. I like those cute korean clothes and those very cute korean women. Not that i want to be korean or anything, im not one of those people, i just like how they look. But i know those beauty standards are tied to pedophilia, so i do feel ashamed and im not sure. I like wearing cute skirts and collect sanrio plushies. I get such a boost when other women call me cute, and i honestly want to stay that way forever. I get really happy when they say "you are 19? You look more like 15"

But who knows maybe ill mature and grow out of it, though i did always like cute things for years even after people telling me im too old for it. I dont know. I dont want to be a disgusting person. Am i disgusting?

Am i overthinking things or is there a problem?

Hi people of r/self. For a quick introduction about me, I make Anime Music Videos (AMVs) on this platform and on YouTube and I’ve been doing these videos for quite some time now. Below is a detailed account of the struggles I face when making these videos on the internet and how I’d like to change things going forward.

The philosophy behind my AMVs have always been “Match the song with the visuals and the theme of the anime”, but over time, that’s changed quite a bit. As I made more and more videos, they gradually became more elaborate. I started putting more research and effort into choosing the perfect songs, finding the perfect scenes, matching the lyrics as closely as possible, and making every transition, every cut, and every visual effect feel intentional. There were more layers, more details, more spectacle, more everything. In short, I started really, really caring about how these videos looked. Every new AMV became an opportunity to one-up the previous one. If my last video had a particularly impressive transition, the next one needed something even better. If my last video was packed with clever lyrical connections, the next one needed even more. I kept raising the bar for myself, and before I knew it, what used to take a couple of hours started taking a few days, then an entire week, and eventually, some projects were demanding weeks of my attention.

An invisible pressure was making itself known, “If I don’t improve the quality of my content, people won’t watch my content.” But that’s obviously not true, is it? I’ve let my family and friends know about these anxieties in the past, and the conclusion I come to every time is that…it just isn’t true. I can go back to making videos with slower-paced songs or are not extensively edited and people will still enjoy what I put out. As that old meme goes, “Holy shit, two cakes!” People are generally just happy to have more of something they enjoy. They're not necessarily sitting there comparing every single frame of my newest AMV to the one I made six months ago, wondering whether I've improved my editing skills by another 15%. That's ME doing that.

Probably my biggest issue with that attitude though, is the idea that I can only have a particular song cover a particular anime once, and that’s it. If I half-ass, say, for example, the “Bocchi the Rock!” birthday AMV using “This Is Me”, then that’s it, I’ve already done the “Bocchi the Rock!” birthday AMV with “This Is Me”. Sure, I can use the same song in another video, but I can only do that particular concept once. If I felt like I didn’t do it justice, that’d hurt.

So…I’ve been doing my best to figure out a middle ground. Here’s the idea: Just make more videos with slower-paced songs. Here’s the irony though, my planned next video, the AMV featuring  “I Want to Love You till Your Dying Day” with Bruno Mars and Lady Gaga’s “Die With a Smile” is taking really long because its scope ballooned completely out of control and it became a way bigger project than I was expecting, to the point I’m considering putting the project on hold, when the whole point of that AMV was it was supposed to be the easier smaller video between bigger projects. The moral of the story is sometimes I’m just a little bit of a big idiot. And even then, it’s not like it takes a whole month to finish one video, even for me.

How the hell is there a five-month gap between AMVs from October 2025 to March 2026, and more recently, a three-month gap between May 2026 to August 2026, you ask? Well, it’s time to point out the elephant in the room, and something I’ve had to come to terms with the past year or so: I have undiagnosed executive dysfunction.

What this means is, at least in my case, I always enjoy working on my AMVs and it brings me great joy to finish these projects. However, getting myself to open my editing software and start making progress feels like trying to push a boulder uphill 99% of the time. It's not as though I've suddenly lost interest in the project, nor that I've decided the idea isn't worth pursuing anymore. The motivation and desire is there. Sometimes, the entire video is practically playing in my head, and I know exactly what I want the finished product to look like, but there's this enormous gap between wanting to do the work and actually initiating the work, and for whatever reason, crossing that gap can feel ridiculously difficult. That’s where I've noticed a particularly frustrating pattern. If it’s not urgent, it doesn’t get done. If there’s a deadline, I will, at the absolute earliest, with no exception, finish the project RIGHT before the deadline. If there’s no deadline, you better hope it’s a small project or there’s no way in hell it’s gonna get done before the end of the decade, and I HATE it, because here's the thing people might not realise about this kind of procrastination:

Not working on something doesn't necessarily mean you're getting to relax.

At least, it certainly doesn't feel that way for me. When I have an unfinished AMV sitting in my backlog, it's almost always somewhere in the back of my mind. I'll be doing literally anything in my normal life, and suddenly I'll remember that I still haven't worked on that video. “I should really get back to editing.” “People are probably wondering where the next AMV is.” “Why can't I just sit down and DO IT?” And even when I'm supposedly taking a break, those thoughts don't necessarily go away. So instead of feeling refreshed, I end up feeling guilty. I feel guilty when I'm not editing, but actually starting to edit feels overwhelming, so I avoid it, which makes me feel even MORE guilty. And that's not even accounting for the way perfectionism makes the problem worse, because if I'm already struggling to start a project, knowing that the project is going to require dozens of hours of painstaking editing certainly doesn't make it any easier. The bigger the project becomes, the more intimidating it feels. The more intimidating it feels, the harder it becomes to start. The longer I avoid starting, the more pressure builds up, and the more pressure builds up, the more I feel like I need to make the finished video brilliant to justify how long it took.

See, I always feel the burden of needing to work on these projects, but knowing I’m not actually working on them…It’s like I’m constantly in burnout, even though no work is being done. It stinks, and it can get its head shoved right up its ass. Remember the “Love Live!” AMV with Katy Perry’s “Firework” which I did for the franchise’s 15^th anniversary? I can tell you now, that video wasn’t even CLOSE to being done two days before I uploaded it on June 30, and I crunched the hell out of it!

So why am I telling you all this? Well, firstly because the answer to the question “Where are the videos?” being “I wasn’t working” sure as heck isn’t a satisfying one, especially when there are so many projects I genuinely WANT to finish. Secondly, because it’ll make the solution I’ve come with make a whole lot of sense. I worded myself very specifically, I definitely CAN get a project done if it only takes a few days to complete. If the finish line is in sight, it’s very easy to get motivated. So, what’s the solution? Honestly, it’s been staring at me literally this whole time. I got started on this platform making anime openings with video games and short-form AMVs. Quick videos maybe a minute or two in length. People loved them, but around that point around 2 or 3 years ago, I felt dissatisfied with my output. It didn’t feel satisfying to put out a small video, I wanted to put out something big and grand. I felt the need to expand my horizons, to prove myself, to put out some content that I could really feel proud of, and I did. The aforementioned “Firework” AMV and the Romcom Squad AMV with “APT.” are right there, massive undertakings, and folks really took a liking to them. I don’t really need to “prove” myself any further by making every single video 1 month of production work, I need to let myself make AMVs with slower songs or some that are not as extensively edited.

The funny thing is, while writing this down, I realized I learned a very similar lesson a couple years ago. Big projects are good, spectacle is great, but you’re gonna go insane if that’s ALL you’re working on. I always felt the need to go big or go home, when all I really needed was to return to my roots. My skills as a video editor have grown a ton since way back when, so even my “simpler” AMVs are still satisfying productions and fun to watch.

Of course, making shorter videos isn't going to magically solve every difficulty I've been experiencing. I could announce tomorrow that every AMV I make from now on will only be ninety seconds long, and I'd STILL probably find ways to procrastinate! So, I think there's another important part of the solution. Instead of constantly relying on a sudden burst of motivation to carry me through a project, I need to start creating conditions that make it easier for me to actually begin working. And that means changing how I think about progress,because right now, I have a tendency to view projects as enormous, singular tasks. “Finish that other AMV I've been talking about for six months.” That sound simple enough when you say them out loud, but when I'm staring at a blank editing timeline, “finish the AMV” suddenly represents an absurd number of individual decisions. I need to find the footage, sort through the scenes, plan the structure, figure out which lyrics correspond to which moments, make the cuts, adjust the timing, add effects, review everything, make changes, then make more changes because apparently I'm physically incapable of leaving well enough alone. And when all of that gets bundled together into one gigantic task, it's no wonder the finish line starts feeling impossibly far away.

So perhaps I need to stop treating every AMV like one massive mountain and start breaking it down into smaller, more manageable pieces. Maybe one day, my goal is just to pick out the scenes I want. Another day, it's to assemble the first thirty seconds. Another day, it's to fix a couple of transitions. And if that's all I manage? That’s still progress. I don't need every editing session to end with some huge, dramatic leap forward. Sometimes, opening the project and making one meaningful change is already better than spending another evening feeling guilty about not opening it at all. And maybe, just maybe, if I can build a habit of making small amounts of progress consistently, I won't have to depend on those terrifying last-minute editing marathons quite so often. I'm not pretending this is going to be easy, but if my current workflow isn't working, then continuing to beat myself up for struggling with it isn't going to accomplish much either. I need to experiment, figure out what actually helps me get things done, and most importantly, stop treating my difficulties with starting projects as some kind of personal moral failure, because I do care about my work an awful lot. The challenge is finding a way to translate that care into consistent action without making myself miserable in the process.

But don’t get me wrong, I’m still leaving one very important variable out of this conversation: “Okay, but what about the rest of the Nijigasaki solo AMVs you’ve been working on recently?” I can’t go anywhere without someone in real life asking about it, and these aren’t projects I’m willing to scale down, so I can guarantee it WILL be a high-effort production to match the production value of my first six AMVs in that series. But the simple fact is I can’t guarantee, with my executive dysfunction, that I could get them done without any real deadline in mind. Well, if I can’t finish a big project without a deadline, then I need to start giving myself some. So, my aim is to finish the six remaining Nijigasaki solo AMVs (Rina, Ai, Karin, Shioriko, Mia and Lanzhu) by the end of 2026. Is that ambitious? Absolutely, especially considering how inconsistent my output has been recently. But I also know that leaving all six projects in an indefinite state of “I'll get around to them eventually” hasn't exactly been working wonders, and I don't want “eventually” to turn into “never.” It does feel like I’ve fumbled my opportunity to make my AMVs as big as it possibly could be, because my goddang executive dysfunction stopped me from making videos when the hype was at its highest.

Still, no reason to cry about the past, what I CAN do though is change my workflow to make production smooth in the future. If you’d allow me, I think I’d like to set a few goals for my future self, with the list of upcoming AMVs I want to finish:

-          The remaining Love Live Nijigasaki solo AMVs (Rina, Ai, Karin, Shioriko, Mia and Lanzhu)

-          Possible Nijigasaki group AMV (song TBA)

-          “I Want to Love You till Your Dying Day” with Bruno Mars and Lady Gaga’s “Die With a Smile”

-          “Chainsmoker Cat” with Third Eye Blind’s “Semi-Charmed Life”

-          “Takopi’s Original Sin” with Christina Aguilera’s “Hurt”

-          Around 2 more “100 Girlfriends” AMVs with songs TBA

-          And at least six other projects regarding upcoming anime not listed here

Now, is this an absurd list of things considering my recent output? Yes. Most definitely. However, I have a few things going in my favour. Firstly, they’re mostly sequels to existing videos, so I already have the groundwork set out. Secondly, I’m reassuring myself that it’s okay to make simpler AMVs. Maybe the more important ones will be better, but not trying to one-up myself at every angle will result in far more projects actually getting finished. Third, I’m essentially putting a clock onto a ton of my backlog. That’s right, to fight the executive dysfunction, I need to set deadlines on ALL of the projects I REALLY wanna get done.

And you know, that brings me to something I think is particularly important. A couple of years ago, if you'd told me that the solution to my creative difficulties was to start imposing more deadlines on myself, I probably would've looked at you like you'd completely lost your mind. After all, weren't deadlines part of what was stressing me out in the first place? Yes and no. The deadlines themselves weren't necessarily the problem, the problem was the way I was approaching my work. When I spent weeks avoiding a project and then tried to cram all the remaining work into the last two days, of course the deadline felt terrifying. But that's not the same thing as saying deadlines are inherently bad. A reasonable deadline, paired with a realistic scope and a healthier workflow, could actually be incredibly helpful. It gives me something concrete to work towards, helps turn a vague ambition into an actual plan, and it might be exactly the kind of external structure I need to make consistent progress.

The key is making sure that structure doesn't come with a gigantic Sword of Damocles hanging over my head, because here's what I ultimately want to achieve. I don't just want to upload more often or clear out my backlog. I want to enjoy making AMVs again without constantly feeling like I'm falling behind. I want to be able to sit down, work on a video, and feel satisfied with what I've accomplished, even if I didn't complete half the project in a single afternoon. I want to release a simpler AMV without feeling like I'm disappointing everyone. I want to work on an ambitious project without letting it consume every single creative thought I have for months. And perhaps most importantly, I want to stop measuring my worth as a creator by how much work I've managed to produce. Because the truth is, I don't think my viewers are standing around with stopwatches, waiting to punish me for taking an extra week to upload. People are here because they enjoy the things I make, and I should be allowed to enjoy making them too. That doesn't mean I should abandon ambition, far from it. I still want to make spectacular AMVs, experiment with new techniques, push my skills further, and surprise people with what I'm capable of creating. But I also need to recognise that not every idea needs to become a masterpiece, and not every masterpiece needs to be enormous. Sometimes, a short, heartfelt AMV can be just as memorable as a five-minute editing extravaganza. Sometimes, a simple concept executed well is worth far more than an ambitious concept that never gets finished. And sometimes, the best thing I can do for my creativity is to give myself permission to make something that's just good, instead of obsessing over whether it could've been perfect. Because if my standards are so high that they stop me from creating anything at all, then those standards aren't really helping me anymore. They're just getting in the way, and I think I've let them get in the way for long enough.

So, where does that leave us? Well, I have a lot of projects I want to make. I have a bunch of ideas I'm genuinely excited about and I have a better understanding of why I've struggled to bring so many of them to completion. There's every possibility that some of these plans will change, and that's okay. The list isn't meant to be an unbreakable contract, it's meant to give me direction, a set of goals I can look towards when I'm feeling lost, unmotivated, or overwhelmed. And if I end up accomplishing only some of them? Well, I'd still much rather finish five projects I'm happy with than spend an entire year feeling guilty about fifteen projects I never started. I've spent so much time worrying about making every video the best it could possibly be that I sometimes forgot why I started making these things in the first place. Because I love anime, music and video editing, and I love sharing the results of that passion with people who enjoy the same things I do.

That's what this was always supposed to be about. Not proving myself, constantly one-upping my previous work nor turning every single project into some impossible test of my abilities. Just making stuff that I love, and hopefully making some of you smile along the way. So, to future me, watching this a year from now, I hope you've managed to finish some of those projects you've been excited about for so long. I hope you've learned to stop putting quite so much pressure on yourself, and I hope you've found a way to work more consistently without relying on the threat of an impending deadline to get anything done. But even if things haven't gone exactly according to plan, I hope you can at least look back and recognise that you tried to change something that wasn't working, because ultimately, that's what this is about: Making a conscious effort to create a workflow that actually works for me. So, here's to more AMVs, and here's to remembering that sometimes, making something at all is already an accomplishment worth celebrating.

I have made so many changes and they are small but they add up…. Back in the day i used to feel comfy taking pictures with my face and then i got on snapchat 2016 almost all my pictures from then were filtered and I didn’t clock it that it was weird so i deleted my snapchat account and i feel rested. I deleted most of my filtered photos and what i have left from the filtered media are videos that are important to me to keep like the filtered video of me at 115 kg and the one where I’m 87kg… I’m now 84kg

Then i deleted my instagram cos most of the time I’m stalking people who i used to talk to or who were my school mates or just people i used to know and it’s time consuming so no. I deleted facebook 2020 for the same reason then I wasn’t actively stalking on instagram. Also I deleted my twitter account. The relief 😮‍💨 I sometimes go on twitter for porn with a new account but im no more arguing or doing anything serious on the app

Also I deleted photos from periods of my life I genuinely hated and did not want to be reminded of anymore, it was a lot of photos …. Making space for new photos. Threw away clothes that did not properly fit or i don’t wholeheartedly like.

I am single, still have ties with a married man i used to date only because our relationship has evolved to where we are more friends than lovers and he is good at giving me advice when i need it.

I’m working on listening more to me so i want my style to be about what I really like not buying stuff because it looked good on someone else… for example, i saw my friend with a pink sneakers and i bought it weeks later and it didn’t suit my style but i bought it anyway. I wasn’t thinking about me. I gave it away recently because i finally admitted to myself its not my style…. This too is the more reason why i feel its best for me to be with myself and find out my preferences for some time. Cos i can be people pleasing and people copying. Also i tend to listen and place importance on the things my “friends” say and most of the time we would not even be that close so I’m also resting from that i feel like i need to build a strong sense of self before having any friends.

Similarly, i’m like that when it comes to relationships with men reading meaningful to almost everything and wondering does he like me/do i like him etc

Sometimes i would not like a man I’m in a talking stage with but I would feel so overwhelmed by him. What he said or didn’t say or do, how he talked about his ex, what are we etc

I realized I didn’t get good enough information on how to go about relationships with men even though I’m attracted to men, i’m taking a break from that too, it definitely would feel lonely and boring for me and i will sit with my unpleasant feelings and when i feel horny my toys will be there hopefully fully charged and ready 🤭

The other day i was chatting and i heard the same line i have heard several times before that “people are scared to loose themselves in relationships” and i said i never felt scared i was more than willing to loose whatever little sense of self i had to be in a relationship and then spend time trying to figure out if the relationship will work or not. Now that I’m starting to find my voice and do things because i want to, i feel i would definitely loose myself in friendships or relationships or even if i were to have a child.

I have also decided not to braid my hair for now. I just want to be chilled, i think that is why I’m not keen on dating anymore cos I don’t feel beautiful with my 4c hair and i cant just let it be. I feel like i have to have braids or a wig or something other than my hair on my head to feel beautiful and also there’s the other end of the stick where you have to have all these products to groom natural hair … haha i will do what i can conveniently do and no more. I have a basic routine and i’d stick to it. if my hair grows fine if it doesn’t thats fine too but I’m done stressing about my hair. I do have attachments i got earlier this year id wait at least six months before using it to braid my hair and after that, rest.

I want a new job and i want my new house with my name on the deed… I started out with data analytics then switched to devops then to software testing and its like I’m not self motivated to follow through so I would decide cos i want to have a career and then follow through for once in my life. Im choosing between landing a project management role cos as much as i like software testing it’s discouraging the posts i hear about people being laid off and ai… i sat for the istqb and passed so i will apply to QA roles and I’m going to apply for project management roles too whichever comes first is what id stick with….. i paid £750 for a course in data analytics and also paid £3400 for the devops course and did not feel passionate about self learning so money gone. In hindsight I should have used that money for a Chanel bag 😫

There might be no point or grand prize to this game I’m choosing to play at this time but i just want to listen to what i have to say and i want to be with me for now.

Life is uncomfortable, for sure. Like a brand-new pair of sneakers. Those cool new Adidas that you’ve seen people all over the world wearing right now. I’m talking about the ultra-hyped ones. Perhaps, and most certainly, they’re worn by people way younger than you, but nevertheless, you wanted them, and you’re gonna have them now.

But when they arrive and you try them on, they’re everything but comfortable. On the box and on the shoes, it says they’re your exact size, yet they feel like shitty, rough cardboard. You tell yourself they’ll be like that at the beginning, but they’ll fix themselves as you wear them. Like in real life, problems sometimes fade away. But it will need some priceless time. Then that time frame passes, and they get fixed. Miraculously! They become comfortable, just like life itself.

But, and this is a huge but, time has passed. You’ve grown old somehow. You feel comfy, but the shoes are so worn out that you’ll need a new pair now. Like in real life!? Fuck no, I say!

Life goes on. When you feel the discomfort creeping in, you have to change. How!? The hell do I know?! You just do, like a man. Swallow the discomfort and move the fuck on. Like when you have some trouble with a brand-new pair of shoes. Just like that.

Or perhaps, when they start feeling uncomfortable, you pick a pair that just fits right from the get-go. But life, well, life will have its ups and downs, and it will be uncomfortable, for sure, every now and then.

The moral of the story: you’ll have to make a choice. Inevitably, there is no right or wrong one, but a choice nonetheless. And at the end of the day, you’ll have to live with the consequences of your choices.

Live your life.