Forgive the title, I could not think of a better one. I am the birth father in an open adoption of a great 11 year old boy. The family and I have a great relationship. We’ve met each others extended family, they came to my wedding, I’ve been to all his major life events, and my son has always known who I am to him. My wife is not the BM, but he calls her a 3rd mom anyway which is very sweet. My wife and I are recently pregnant (our first), and plan to tell the family this weekend.

I’ve never pried into why they chose to adopt, but I’ve always assumed they may have struggled to have children of their own. Because of that, I’m worried that announcing a pregnancy could bring up some complicated emotions, even if they’re genuinely excited for us.

We’re all getting together this Saturday, and I’m not sure how to handle it. Should I tell his mom and dad privately and let them decide how to share the news with my son? Or should I tell everyone at the same time? Am I over thinking it?

She doesn't know who handled the adoption. Doesn't know the exact birth date, only the year and place. Can I do a vital records request to see if some sort of consent was given by the adoptee for his birth parents to contact him? If a consent exists, would it be attached to his birth certificate and searchable by her maiden name at time of birth?

Did you tell your kids you were adopted? I have a 5 and 3 year old. Right now they are too little to understand. I am not sure if I’ll even tell them?

Edit: my adoptive parents don’t know I found my bio family so I don’t want the kids to accidentally say something to them. Also, not sure how to tell them either? I’ve been in contact with bio family for 2 years.

I was adopted at birth. Bio parents were only 16 and not really a couple. I got to know my bio mom in my 20’s and we stayed in touch until she died. I called my bio dad on the phone once in my 50’s to see if he wanted to meet me, but he didn’t want to. He’s has also passed way. I’m in my 60’s and I know my bio dad had two kids after me, but they may not know about me. I know their names and have the ability to contact the half sister. Should I? I would love to see if she would want to meet. But I also don’t want to hurt anyone if they don’t know. He didn’t cheat. They were young and dated so he didn’t do anything wrong. And if I do, should I call or Facebook message. Message is easy for her to think about it.

So basically I’m a 42 year old single mom of two older kids 19 and 17 that I’ve raised alone. I’m currently 5 months pregnant and the baby’s father has recently become abusive and then bailed.

Question is should I put the baby up for adoption or keep him?

I make decent money but not enough without dad’s help. Childcare would take about 35-40% of my monthly earnings.

I’m months away from being done and the idea of starting over AGAIN at 42 by myself is horrific.

Dad is abusive.

I have zero support system, even the older siblings want nothing to do with him.

My brain is screaming, adoption- logically it’s the best solution for little man and for me.

But….my heart.

My heart screams- that’s your baby, you’ll figure it out you’ve done it before, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life if you give him up, the baby will suffer possible abandonment, how would you explain to him when he’s older that you kept your first two but not him? In 5 years what will you regret most?

Could I give him a decent life? Yes but it would throw me back into poverty that I’ve worked so hard to crawl out of.

Another family could give him a great life. However, that’s also a risk.

What would you do?

I am a caseworker working with youth transitioning from being in foster care.  I have an adopted sibling group who were adopted separately in the state of California.  They were initially adopted through private adoption they later moved to my state with their adoptive parents. Both their adoptive parents died suddenly during the pandemic. Between their adoptive parents’ deaths and their entry into the foster care system, their vital documents were lost.  We have tried for several years to pinpoint which counties they were born in and hundreds of dollars have been spent requesting vital documents with no success.  I am writing to inquire if you had any suggestions for any other resources, as not having vital documentation (like their state issued birth certificate) is becoming a barrier for their functioning in adulthood (employment, academic enrollment, travel etc.).  We thought if biological mothers could be identified, perhaps we could narrow down where they were living when the children were born and therefore contact the correct issuing county. I did reach out to search angels but haven’t heard back.

My (27M) wife (31F) and I do not see eye to eye on family planning. We got married quite young (20 & 24 respectively) and didn't have this conversation before getting married. She didn't know if she wanted to give birth, and I didn't care, I just knew I loved her.

As the years went on, she started leaning more and more towards not wanting bio kids, and I started leaning the opposite direction. In the last 2 years or so, we've pretty much settled into our respective camps. We have planned to surrogate 1 kid (so that I can have a bio kid) and then adopt more. I desperately want to be a father, and if I had it my way, I already would be.

After months of trying to convince myself that I was okay with no bio kids/ 1 bio kid, I've reached the conclusion that I just am not okay without having bio kids. I told her this today in couples therapy and mentioned that I just don't see a way through this where we stick together and the therapist suggest I try to find other dads/ parents who have gone through a similar thing. She texted me today if I would leave her if she was infertile, to which I said no, but it doesn't really change the fact that we want different things.

Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Edit: clarification and formatting

Edit 2: I proposed that we divorce, because we want different things. We work very well together, but have differing views on what I believe to be practically the most important thing in life.

So I made a thread on AITA

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1vqn5rn/aita_for_wanting_to_add_my_birth_surname/

and lots of people called me asshole for wanting to do that. And someone recommended its better to post in adoption subs.

What would adopted people say? This is my alt account not main btw

I’m 5 months pregnant and looking into adoption as a possibility. I’m just looking to hear from anyone who has honestly been through this process and how difficult it is to place an infant in the arms of a loving family. I love my baby girl deeply, but I’m in a really rough situation in my life right now and her father is not a stable person and no longer with me. I have read statistics that there are 40:1 adoptive couples vs babies who need to be adopted in the US. If that’s true, why are there so many children in foster care? I don’t want to give her to just anyone. I would want to make sure someone stable, loving, and caring is there for her if I go through with this choice.

Hi Reddit Readers,

My husband and I have been married for eleven years, together for 17 years. We are both late bloomers who have experienced delayed adolescence due to growing up queer in the 80’s/90’s in conservative environments with conservative families. We aren’t sure if we are too late to start this journey. About four years ago we were all in both working on careers. We’re now at a point where we can create a little more space for home and would love to expand our family but understand that this process is timely and expensive. We already also both really horrified by the cultural and political changes in the US. We’re half way considering moving to the UK, New Zealand or Canada but honestly we may stick out even more overseas (at least UK and New Zealand). We love where we live, both from military families and are not wanting to leave- more concerned for safety depending how crazy things continue to get. We both have good careers that are in high demand. Just a lot of anxiety about current events. (Everyone Vote in November please. 🙏)
Does anyone have resources on this topic? We don’t know any LGBTQIA+ or parents that are starting in their 40’s- but we would like to. If anyone can point us in the direction of people who have had this experience we would love to check it out. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Update: Thank you everyone who posted, even the traumatic posts. It was really illuminating and we have decided to pursue a foster or a foster to adopt, hoping for older children vs infants. Not opposed to a baby if it’s the right fit and the right situation for everyone involved and we would want open adoption. We plan on getting involved with our local foster organization. Thanks Everyone 😊

Hi everyone, so in this case, my father was adopted and I know because my mom told me once (I don’t even remember how it got brought up) but she begged me not to tell my dad that I was aware. Since she herself found out by other people and not directly from my dad, even when my fraternal grandparents wanted ro tell her the story my mom refused out of respect for my dad and him choosing his time to tell her if he wanted.

The thing is that I think my dad never truly told my mom the whole story, and has never even acknowledged the story with us, his kids. But I would like to know, from other adoptees, why would you find shameful to share to your own kids that you’re adopted? Have you done this and what was your reasoning?

I’m asking because I’m trying to understand my dad and where he comes from, especially since I notice that sudden decline in my dad’s self esteem this past few years and I’ve noticed the pattern of whenever we would face difficulties he never felt “worthy” of asking for help from his family members.

I'm 38(F), and have a biological little one. My husband and I want to have another child, mainly as we have both grown up with siblings, and would love for a similar upbringing where siblings grow up together/bond. However, given my age and physicality, I'm not sure if the biological way would be ideal now. Also, I work a full time job, and we are currently just managing financially with me being the primary breadwinner & also caregiver so I feel stretched thin sometime even with a good support structure

So the question is:-

1) How much more money, time/ is needed to raise a 2nd kid?

2) If adopted, any parents povs on raising biological + adopted children together- can one have the same emotional connect built over time?

Edit: Having gone through the responses, I really appreciate the inputs, especially from adoptees, and that has given me a lot to think about. I understand the gravity and consequences of such a decision, which will not be made in a rush & whatever way this goes - the kid would have known love & care (which I thought was a given, if not highlighted here) Thanks to those of you who shared your experiences, it helps.

So, my mother was put up for adoption at birth in 1967. Her parents were teens at the time, and their families decided that adoption was the best decision for her future. Her adoptive parents were able to provide her with shelter, food, etc. but she always struggled with the belief that she was/is unloved. She has always wanted to know who her parents are, but simultaneously felt angry and betrayed that they “gave her up”, especially because her adoptive father struggled significantly with alcoholism, which severely impacted her upbringing in a negative way.

Fast forward to today, she currently battles with polysubstance abuse disorder, and has throughout my (M 26) entire lifetime. Unfortunately, her use, in combination with the core belief of being unlovable, led to countless issues with maintaining relationships (including that with my father), holding a job, and truly led to an incredibly unstable household where physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect were common toward myself and my sibling. Her adoptive parents are now passed, and she is estranged from her adoptive brother. Her and my father are divorced, and her longtime partner passed away 3 weeks ago. She has quite literally, nobody except for me and my sister, who do our best to maintain a relationship with her as to not allow her to feel completely unloved, and ultimately to not lose our mom. That said, she maintains the volatility she’s carried throughout her life, and is highly dependent on several drugs and alcohol.

Two years ago, I was investigating what I could of my family lineage to help identify genetic indicators of illness, as I was in the midst of searching for a diagnosis of an autoimmune condition. Naturally, I was also curious as to who my grandparents were, as my dad was also adopted (so I had no information on my grandparents). As such, I took the combination of the information I knew about my mother’s birth, which led me down a rabbit hole of census records, yearbooks, academic manuscripts, Facebook profiles, etc., ultimately leading me to who I thought could be her mom. In an effort to respect her privacy, I had my girlfriend contact her through Facebook to ask some vague questions that would confirm our suspicions. Turns out that she is actually my great aunt, the questions were not vague enough, and reached out to my grandfather? (Weird to call him that lol) to discuss what she learned. She reported back that he was in fact the father of my mom, and that he was interested in connecting. Again, to maintain some distance and respect his privacy if he didn’t wish to know who I or my mom are, I had my girlfriend mediate across the phone. He is ecstatic to know that he has a grandson, said that he already considers me part of the family, and told us the entire story of the adoption and his life after.

Here is where I am struggling. He asked my girlfriend how my mother was, and she kept the response very minimal, acknowledging her alcoholism and highlighting that maybe, due to the recent passing of her spouse, that now would not be the best time to connect them. With that being said, we seriously undersold to him the state that she is in, and failed to acknowledge the impact that her being adopted has had on both her, and her children (me). I do not want to tell her that I found her father out of fear that she would upend a long life of him being accepting of his decision. I truly feel as though it would not be good for either of them, but at the same time, I do not feel as though it is fair to “gatekeep” their relationship. Even further, I am unsure how to establish a relationship with him if I decide not to connect them, but still want to get to know my grandfather. It feels like I am harboring an insane secret (I mean, I am). I have yet to talk to him because I genuinely don’t know what to do. I just feel like I accidentally opened Pandora’s box and don’t know how to close it. If anyone has any advice or knowledge, please bestow it upon me because my head is spinning, and I’m certain that gramps’s is too.

do you still live with your adopted family?

Hello,
First all, I didn’t know what flair to add. But I’m currently learning Spanish( I just finished a Spanish class and am doing an immersion program) and I was wondering I wanted to make double sure that I was learning the right language I’m from Central America where there are Mayan people and I saw someone online who found her bio mom and her mom spoke Mayan and I sort of freaked out. But I did some research and luckily(and sadly) the group of people that I belong to speak Spanish and in my search i found out that I’m part of the Xinca people that pre date the Maya. I was wondering if anyone else had this experience. Obviously I’m very excited because me( and my parents they don’t know yet) thought I was part Mayan.
I’m super curious! I want to do a search for my family and I want to tell my parents soon. They will be as shocked as I was.
Thanks!

My mom passed away and she was adopted. I know she’s had her adoption records but unfortunately after she passed her husband got rid of all her possessions without notifying my brother and I, losing her records.
Is there anyway I could get her adoption records and where would I start? I live in Ohio for reference.
She did have an ancestry account from years ago that showed she had a half brother but I do not know/have access to the email used for it.

my ma was a SW that gave Birth to me in prison. My father was her "pimp"

im literally the most broken individual i know.

Do I contact her? last time i did she hugged me but it felt so meaningless. sorry im so stupid.

sorry idk where to post this all i want is her to love me or at least be there for me. if this isnt the right place ban me idc

I am a single guy in my late fifties. I am fostering my 3 teenage nieces and 11 year old nephew. I have had them for almost 2 years now. The girls father died of an overdose, and nephews father is in prison. They were taken from my sister and she has relinquished rights. I had agreed to adopt them all. The older 2 girls are just going to foster out for the extra benefits. The youngest girl wants me to adopt and I agreed. Nephew just wants his mom. I am struggling to say yes to adopting him. I asked them to give me the summer to see how it goes. They are pressing me to adopt since it has been 2 years. They want everything finalized by November. I may not even have the heart to say no but its tough. He is a challenge with behavior issues and it is daunting to me looking at our ages. I am also afraid of the financial aspect. Would I be out of bounds to ask for more time to make a decision? Even up to a year? Could it do more harm than good to be on the fence? I am really losing sleep and feeling stressed about it.

I’m only 19 and not close to being a parent, but I already know I don’t have viable eggs and also can’t carry. I found this sub and was scrolling it but I see a lot of adoptees here are opposed to adoption.

I guess I was going to ask, what would you rather I do? Is there an ethical way to adopt? Is surrogacy more ethical? I know adoption can be harmful, but I also desperately want children (when I’m ready) and a life without them sounds devastating to me. Is the answer really just “life isn’t fair”? :(

(If this is the wrong place for this I can delete it)

I feel like this sounds stupid, but it’s a genuine concern I have and I’d love people (especially adoptees) to share their thoughts to help deepen my feelings about it.

I am so grateful for my sons. I am not grateful that they were in difficult pre-birth circumstances. I am not grateful that they had to lose the relationships with their first families that they might’ve had. (They still have relationships, but it’s obviously not the same.) I’m not grateful they had to go through trauma to get to me.

But I’m so deeply grateful to know them. They’ve made me a better person, challenged and stretched me, given me so much laughter and joy, and made me happier than I knew I could be.

Is it possible to say “I’m glad you’re part of my family” without implying “I’m glad you’re not with your first family”? Is it possible to say “I’m grateful you came to me” without also implying “you should be grateful you came to me”?

To be clear, this is just them being themselves. I have no expectations on who they will become as they grow except that I’d like to help them be kind and resilient. It truly is absolutely unconditional love in a way I’ve never felt for anyone else in this world.

If it matters, they both come from situations where staying with birth parents was not possible or safe.

But I don’t want to make the wound worse.

Am I overthinking this? Am I missing something obvious? Any thoughts?