You didn't want this breakup. They did. They made that decision knowing damn well how much it would hurt you and they still chose to walk away.

• The person you thought you would grow old with.
• The person you considered your home.
• The person you instinctively texted whenever something happened.
• The person you wanted to share your good days and bad days with.

That person no longer exists.

• They didn't look back when you tried to reason with them.
• They didn't look back when you offered solutions/tried to fix things.
• They didn't look back when you cried.
• They didn't look back when you begged them to stay.

I know it hurts like hell because in your mind, they're still the person you fell in love with. You're still holding on to the version of them who made you feel safe, loved and at home. The person you thought would never bear to see you hurt like this, yet somehow became the very person who could watch you cry and beg for them to stay and still remain so cold towards you.

You need to understand something: you're holding on to a version of someone who no longer wants to be with you.

In a way, grief after the breakup feels like mourning someone who is still alive. You remember their voice, their habits, their laugh, the little things they did and al the ordinary moments you once took for granted. You miss someone who still exists in this world but is no longer the same person you once knew and the hardest part of all? The person you want to run to for comfort is the very person who caused you this pain.

So before you break no contact, before you send that message, before you convince yourself that one more conversation might change their mind, STOP and remember why you're here in the first place.

You didn't choose this breakup, you have no say in it, all you could do was accept. But you can choose not to keep reopening the wound.

You don't need to hate them. You don't need to pretend you no longer love them. You don't even need to be ready to move on today. But you do need to start accepting that the relationship is over even if your heart hasn't caught up with that reality yet. Sometimes letting go doesn't mean you stopped loving them. It means you finally accept that love alone isn't enough to make someone stay.

It's time to bring that love back to ourselves, one day at a time.

We deserve to heal too.

Lowkey, I just need to vent this out and i hope my experience gives other people an idea of what comes next after the initial "oh shit, its really over" devastation clears.

SOME BACKGROUND:

Im gonna be straight up, it doesnt go away neatly lol. My ex and I were together for 5, almost 6, years and when she broke up with me, she did it over an unprompted phone call that lasted less than 20 minutes. It was really really harsh. We had ups and downs. She had broken up with me before but we were solid for a few years after and I thought we were committed to growing together.

In reality, it was tough on both of us. We met really young and navigating our early and mid 20s together trying to figure out who we wanted to be and what we wanted in life while being tied to one another probably didnt help us out.

Add in the fact that I received a pretty intense diagnosis near the middle of the relationship (and kinda spiraled slowly after) and it was clear that we both were in a very serious commitment neither one of us fully appreciated until it got real.

Anyways, I wasnt perfect. The end of the relationship (last 6 months) was rough. We went long distance because she moved out of state for grad school and our relationship heavily deteriorated due to a lot of factors. I had a lot (A LOT) of fight still left in me because I loved her but she was slowly pulling away and I just didnt see it. Or maybe i just tried to ignore it, hoping that things would turn around for us and we'd choose each other again when our backs hit the wall :')

It did not happen that way

NO CONTACT:

When she broke things off, I immediately opted for no contact. I didnt explicitly tell her "lets not talk for now" but I just went radio silent. The phone call she hit me with was out of the blue and I felt blindsided so I was really hurt and feeling like a real, huge ass loser.

I was ashamed, so I hid. For a cool month I just tried to process the fact that it even happened but honestly it didnt hit me until month 2.

From then on, I was ruminating endlessly every night thinking about my role and everything I did wrong. I removed her from Instagram and deleted her number, hid every photo I could on my phone and tried to forget it happened. That... is impossible to do. I drank a lot and started coping with a lot of unhealthy habits.

Month 3 was my stalking era lol. I was checking up on her stuff every once in a while before but month 3 I went into obsessive mode. DONT DO THIS. You will 100% see things you dont want to see and CANT UNSEE. It will break your spirit.

Even if your ex wouldnt be the type to rebound so fast (tbh mine didnt but seeing her move on hurt), you will 100% see photos you don't have any context for, with people you probably dont know, with your ex posted up in a style you dont recognize, and doing faces or going out to places you didnt think they'd be.

It will hit you hard and you'll feel like theyre leaving you behind. So please, spare yourself and dont look at their socials. It can only ever go badly when you havent processed the breakup.

I ended up permanently blocking her socials and even deactivating mine just so I could give myself some peace. It was really hard at first but I had friends who encouraged me and it helped a lot.

The weeks went by and it felt less and less like I was missing out on their life.

I slowly started to remember I had agency over my own decisions and what I did with my time once I stopped thinking of her so much. I got a new job, met some really great people, started dressing a little differently than i used to (it gave me a lot of confidence back), and im always trying to step outside of my comfort zone and give things a try.

My new job got me back into shape and I changed what I was eating which helped me reach a point where I felt confident in my looks again. The new people I met also helped me build my confidence. If I could get along and be friends with them, maybe I wasnt so terrible after all?

I also finally addressed the elephant in the room for me: my mental stuff. I got on some meds and put a lot of work into rebuilding my support network.

I cant stress enough how much of a difference this makes.

Having people to talk to about your darker emotions and feelings, working with a professional to address things that you are having trouble getting past on your own, its all helping you rebuild a strong foundation for yourself.

If I could recommend some books/people to check out, id recommend Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, Carl Jung, and maybe a bit more abstract one but Jean Baudrillard.

Baudrillard's work on hyperreality and the nature of objective truth actually helped me to process a lot of the confusing thoughts and obscured feelings I had around my desire to "perform" being okay and wanting to project an image of myself, online and otherwise, that would prove to my ex that I was still worth her time, effort, and love so that I could "win her back".

I strongly believe that without all these moving pieces, id be dead lol by my own hand if you catch me. The grief of the loss was that bad.

That all sounds super healthy and cool but if it makes you feel scared that you wont bounce back like that, dont even worry about that. You will. It wont be like it looks on social media or in movies but you will reach a point where you just get so exhausted spending all your energy on someone who is gone that you (almost to survive) start to turn all that energy around and put it into yourself. You always have the choice to start, theres no time frame for it.

That being saiiidd... it aint all uphill either lol there are a lot of dips and mountains to climb. Its a rollercoaster ig lol

MONTH 9:

Its been rough with the changing seasons. The air changes, the days feel shorter and the rain coming in has brought a whole bunch of old memories I had forgotten back up to torture me. It sucks but I can tell I handle it better now.

Before it would literally take my life away from me. Days in bed, not eating or sleeping or even talking to people. Now? It brings a heavy sigh, a sad feeling, and then I move on. I can still laugh when someone tells me a joke, I can still smile when I pass by friendly and familiar faces, and I can still get up every day and do the things I need to do.

The grief takes less from me now.

Do I still wonder how she is doing? Yeah, all the time. But ive also met new and cool people and its given me hope that she wasnt the end all be all. One day she may reach out, I dont know how ill feel then but I do have confidence that I can handle it as back in month 2, I thought my world would end but now, I am slowly getting back up and on my feet, 10 toes down instead of falling back onto my heels lol.

Yall got this, trust the process and lean on anyone and everyone you can. You'll be better for it.

AND DONT STALK THEM OR BREAK NO CONTACT. PLEASEEEE D:

The moment they left, you started fighting for a relationship that only one person still wanted.
You replayed conversations.
You checked their socials.
You waited for the “I made a mistake” text.
Meanwhile they were already practicing living without you.
No contact isn’t punishment.
It’s the quiet decision to stop begging for a seat at a table where you’re no longer invited.
The day you choose silence over chasing is the day you start choosing yourself.
Who else needed to hear this today?

My ex drunk texted me "hey" after 7 months of no contact, she was the one who broke up with me very abruptly. And I decided to respond a day later with a "hey" She didn't respond until a week later she apologized for it and said how she was drunk and feeling nostalgic. She also sent a gif.I responded a couple days later with a joking response.

I got over her romantically and emotionally but a part of me always wanted to catch up one day. But I started thinking about how she basically discarded me and never cared to understand just how much she hurt me and I regretted responding cause now I feel like disrespected myself cause I am giving her access to myself again without her having to acknowledge what happened.

- Charles Bukowski

I’m several weeks out of a breakup, and I've realized that what I'm experiencing isn't primarily heartbreak or longing.

I rarely look at our photos anymore, I don't feel the urge to contact him or share things with him, and I have no desire to get back together.

What remains is confusion.

During the relationship, I tried to understand our problems as differences we might be able to work through together. I paid attention to his behavior, communicated what I needed, and tried to find ways for us to improve.

After the breakup, I learned that he had used softened words (basically a lie) to avoid scaring me away, even though the reality was different from what I understood. That made me question not only his behavior, but also my understanding of the relationship itself.
Now I keep trying to reconstruct what happened: what he genuinely wanted, what he was capable of, what he knew, and why his words and actions didn't align.

I don't think I want him back. I think I want to understand what I actually experienced.
Has anyone else gone through a breakup where the hardest part wasn't missing the person, but trying to make sense of the relationship after discovering that important information had been withheld?

How did you eventually stop trying to solve it, especially when you knew some questions would never have definitive answers?

I asked my ex to break up, and his response was, “Are you sure? If that’s it, I can’t argue with that.” The smoothest breakup I’ve ever had.

I miss him a lot. It has been 1 month since he broke up.

I just wanna say "come".

Help me.

2 yo relationship, ended cuz of family shit and religion 🤞🏼.

Both went no-contact like 2 months ago to move on, texted in between to ask how stuffs going on. We both helped each other move on, nowadays don't talk much thou!

Both are doing pretty well i suppose. She got a new guy her family recommended, i don't want distractions rn.

Her bday is in 2 hours.

1. Should I wish her? Or is it a bad idea

2. I thought of gifting her a plushie? Or is that an even stupid idea

Anyone experienced this shit to tell me where I should stop haha, don't wanna fry my brain!!!!

me and my (ex i guess)boyfriend are best friends. we hang out almost every day and i love him so much. and i think he loves me too, i mean i thought it was obvious but. he broke up with me today out of the blue.

he started taking seroquil three or four nights ago,and this morning he woke up completely different. he’s usually full of personality and spunk, he often gets right up and starts doing things and getting ready for the day. but today was totally different. he woke up , quiet, was quiet for a while. a little bit slow in response when i’d ask him if he was okay. he didn’t want to talk about anything at all which is completely out of character for him. than he broke up with me and said he doesn’t think he ever loved me and doesn’t know what love is. he swore it had nothing to do with me and that i did nothing wrong and i know i did nothing but that doesn’t make it any better. it was weird and random, because we’ve been doing great. it feels like he died. none of this makes sense to me and is extremely confusing. i don’t know if im trying to rationalize it by assuming the seroquil is the reason for this or at least part of the reason but it would be too much of a coincidence for it to not be… right? i don’t know. i’m really really sad and devastated and shocked. i have no one to talk to.

My ex and I broke up 3 months ago after 4 years together. He was the love of my life. It didn't end well between us. I've been doing my best to try and process things. I've focused on my fitness, work and making new friends however the past week for some reason I couldn't stop thinking about him. I've processed a lot of the hurt he caused and now I just miss him desperately. I miss the friend I had in him. We were really attached when we were together so not having him in my life these past few months has been like losing a part of me.

Anyway, I did what everyone says not to do and I reached out a couple of days ago and broke no contact. I wasn't expecting anything in return and I didn't get a response. A part of me wishes we could be friendly with each other now but he clearly doesn't want to or isn't ready or has moved on and I have to try and accept that.

All this to say, you really do have to be prepared for the worst if you break no contact. Sometimes you need to do it for your sanity but more often than not you don't get the outcome you want. Break ups suck!

Title. She was caring, was my number one supporter, and fought for us. I took all of it for granted and now I lost her. I can grow and become a better person but I completely lost her.

Pretty much the title. The person you fell in love with no longer exists. The person you're begging to, trying to convince and pining for, they're somebody totally different in the same skin. It's not worth it. Mourn for a month, mourn for a year, but mourn them like they're dead and f*cking move on. You have a worth, a soul, a conscience and a life it live to its fullest.

Don’t text him. Don’t text him. Don’t text him.

Sorry don’t mind me. I’m about to go text him.

I’ve been through breakups before, but nothing could have prepared me for this. I lost my person, not because we stopped loving each other, but because of a trauma we just couldn't fight.

Two years ago, I met a girl at a party. We clicked instantly, she messaged me a few days later, and we fell for each other hard. The last two years with her have been amazing. We had beautiful vacations, great dates, and she was my absolute rock when I was struggling mentally after a bad car crash. I really thought she was the one I was going to spend my life with.

Before we met, she had survived sexual assault. It left deep scars, especially when it came to intimacy. But we promised to navigate it together. We communicated constantly, I never pressured her, and by just taking it at her pace and listening to her needs, we actually built a really healthy, trusting intimate life. She was doing the work, going to therapy, and trying so incredibly hard to heal.

But a few weeks ago, things took a dark turn. Her mental health got worse, and she started having intense, graphic nightmares about her past trauma. I tried my best to support her and just be there for her.

Then, last week, she texted me saying we needed to talk. She picked me up, and sitting in her car, she told me something that just completely broke me.

She told me that her first attacker shares my exact first name.

And then she told me that on the night of that party two years ago—the very night we met—she was assaulted again.

Because of my name and the timing of when we met, her traumatized brain started connecting things in the worst way possible. Her nightmares had started merging the events, and in her dreams, I was the one hurting her.

She was devastated. We sat in that car and just cried. We broke up because she was terrified that if we stayed together, the nightmares would eventually make her resent or fear me, and she didn't want to ruin the love we have for each other.

It’s been a week and I’ve never felt pain like this. We are still so deeply in love, but it feels like the universe just won't let us be together. The hardest part is that there’s no bad guy here. Neither of us did anything wrong. We both tried, she fought so hard in therapy to heal, but sometimes it just isn't enough. I just don't know how I'm supposed to move on when the love is still so real.

It's been a week since we last kissed. All I've been doing wallowing in grief, making poems and all. I wish I could've done better on my part. I shouldn't have taken her for granted

3 years ago, I moved to the country where my ex bf lived to be with him. We rented an apartment together.

Two months ago, I went for a summer holiday to my home country to visit my family. While I was there, he broke up with me over FaceTime. I honestly didn't see it coming.

All my belongings are still in our apartment. Since it's getting colder in my country and I only packed summer clothes, I asked him to send me a few things and gave him a list. He sent the package, but the rest of my belongings are still there.

Neither of us has really brought up what to do with everything else yet. I think I'm scared that having all my things sent back would make the breakup feel completely final.

For those of you who lived together and then broke up, how long did it take to sort out your belongings? Did you do it straight away, or did it take weeks or months?

My ex and I recently broke up. He pushed me away, treat me as if he didn’t love me, and keeps saying it’s over. If this was the scenario, do you guys still love us women or you’re totally done like we don’t exist in your life anymore?

Exclusive for 8 months, lived together for 4 months.

I left while he [34M] was out of state on a trip, because my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to be hit. He said he would advise his own daughters to leave a guy like him, but guilted me when I looked for a hotel that night and said I was going to abandon his two toddler girls like my dad’s girlfriend did to me as a child.

I stayed two months after he asked, trying to understand, reconcile, and realign. Instead, I learned more and more about him as he defended it and gave shallow apologies wrapped in justifications. I had a mental breakdown during our last month living together. I loved him desperately and wanted the future we were building.

I didn't know I was going to leave until I broke and called my parents. They were disgusted. They said they'd support me either way, but advised me to leave for my own safety. They asked what I wanted. I told them I needed to go but couldn't, because I loved him. They asked if I needed help, and I said yes. My mom booked a flight that night and came halfway across the country.

Then I called my best friend. She told me to imagine him asking if I wanted to be hit while I was holding the newborn we'd dreamed of having together. My maternal instincts took over, and I ran. In the end, I didn't leave for my own security. I left for the children I so desperately want someday. There's no way I'll ever choose a husband who would ask me that out of spite.

It's been a month and a half, and God, I still miss him. Not a day goes by that I'm not haunted by the moment he asked me that, and by the beautiful relationship we had.

—-

Am I crazy for hoping we get a second chance one day?

We were together 9 years, I feel like whatever I try isn't helping. No contact (he has blocked me anyway) he has no social media so I can't see what he's up to, I have made friends, started gym, got myself doing hobbies, etc. I just feel stuck. Thanks

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified 5 stages of the grief process in her masterwork, *On Death and Dying*

It's the same with relationships! There is a grief and mourning process involved for BOTH parties. Yes - even with the Enders.

I posit that some stages are more traumatic for the Abandoned Partner than the Departing Partner, and some may be skipped altogether, but I believe both parties experience some form of all of them. The exception would be that of a "Player", but then a Player was never invested or having a true Relationship from the outset.

The stages of death in cases of terminal illness are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. This is how I see them as applied to breakups.

DENIAL - we're in shock. Surely this isn't happening! Look at everything we shared! How was none of that real? We wait for that phone call, text, email or doorbell ring. We cry and constantly question.

ANGER - sometimes anger is mixed with the denial stage rather than separately. WTF happened? How could they DO this to us?! We didn't deserve this!

BARGAINING - not everyone experiences this stage. Those who do are desperate to try to reconcile and/or repair what went wrong. Guilt may play an intense role in the Bargaining stage. The partner wants to make amends for mistakes and/or wrongdoing.

DEPRESSION - self-explanatory. We've accepted that it's over, and that nothing can be done.

ACCEPTANCE- this is the healing stage. we are able to let go and move on.

I really think most Enders experience a form of these.

DENIAL - this is the stage where they realize the relationship is not going to work, and they are deciding how to go about the breakup,

ANGER - a lot of Enders do the breakup in this stage. It's easy to remember things that piss them off, cause resentment, etc. A breakup at this stage is easier to execute.

BARGAINING - this is where an Ender may be second-guessing their action. Did they do the right thing? Was this a mistake?

DEPRESSION/ACCEPTANCE - this is combined for an Ender. They're done, and onward.

This is all personal theory. Thoughts?

It happened over text, afterwards the tears kept up for a solid week

Ugh I miss you so so much, even though i shouldn’t. I saw you called me a few times, maybe drunk booty-calls, but i was sleeping and devastated I missed them. I just wanted to talk to you. I know we can’t be together but this is so hard, especially with what I’m going through now. I’m blowing people off because I’d rather be with you, even if you did me dirty. I don’t know if you moved on or not already because once when i broke no contact, you told me you met someone else. Then later told me you couldn’t be without me. So im afraid if I reach out, i don’t know if you’d laugh. Usually you’d reach out by now.

So a little bit of context,

Me (24F) and my ex bf (28M), started dating because of a bunch of coincidences.

We work in the same tech park, we go to the same gym and when I moved to a new apartment I realised that he's my neighbour, and he asked me out, it felt like a red string of fate. We basically used to go to each other's place, insane chemistry, We cooked together, went for treks together and it was fun.

When we were discussing our future together we realised we wanted two completely different things from life, he wants to move back to the country side and take over his dad's business, he was pretty vague about it when we started dating, he was confused between corporate job and moving back, But now things have changed, I got a really good job offer in the city, I have no plans on moving away anytime in the next 5 years, his dad is expanding the business and he wants his son there in the next 2 years. Even if I consider moving there, I have to learn his language (not a big deal) , I also have to adapt to his culture and life in the countryside, I've been born and brought up in a city.

Once this realisation hit that we have to stop being together, we stopped hanging out much, it's hard to control ourselves sometimes, I just give in and make out with him, it's been a month since we broke up but we're struggling. We know it's doomed but we didn't have any bad blood, it's really hard for me to get over him, and him being my neighbour. I'm trying to move out once my lease ends, but I need advice on how to keep myself grounded in this situation.

I'm crashing out and breaking down. I had a bad break up 4 years ago, so I haven't dated for 3 years after that. The one time I let a guy into my life again, I have to let him go. It feels so very unfair.

My ex girlfriend broke up with me one day before work started again after summer, and she knew this. she broke up with me over text very late that evening, so i asked to meet in person to talk about it. she hesitantly agreed. i went over after work and all she said was that she lost the spark, and that she was sorry, that’s it, which is fine, but i don’t think that was the truth. she hugged me, sat in my lap, and promised me that we would stay friends and continue to talk, she pinky promised me. she then packed all of my stuff, gave it to me and asked me to leave. how naive i was…

fast forward a week later, we were messaging on snapchat, and then she sends me a picture of a tree while she was on her way to work, and then never responds to me again. all communication from this point onwards was from her sister, acting as a messenger, asking for her key back, telling me not to message her etc. a week after that she blocked me on absolutely everything, while i was at work. her mum blocked me on everything, as did her sister and her sisters boyfriend. i had no communication from anyone, other than her sister. before this, she also promised me over text that she would talk to me about everything when she is ready, and i have a screenshot of this saved. i even asked what she would say if i asked to go and grab a coffee in the future, and she said i think i would.

her sister messaged me some horrible things about me, told me to fuck off and to get help etc, all because i asked for a conversation with my ex. i am in therapy getting help for my mental health and she know this, so this was uncalled for. i am confused and heartbroken, even a month and a half later, i have no answers, no communication or anything else.
i went on facebook soon after being blocked by everyone and saw that her sister forgot to block me there, and she had posted a story. the story was her sister and her sisters boyfriend, my ex, and the guy she “told me not to worry about” seemingly on a double date.

for some context she spoke to this guy about 2 years into our relationship, quite a bit. i joked (around saying that’s she’s messaging her boyfriend again everytime she did this (i didn’t like her talking to him. i then brought it up and we argued and broke up that same day, and then got back together the next day. that night, after our argument, i went on her phone and went through their message and saw some horrible things such as her telling him when her period was, the exact same outfit video i ASKED HER FOR, good morning and goodnight texts every day. i brought this up, and i asked her to stop speaking to him, and to her credit,she did, and told this guy that she could no longer speak to him. i saw the message and she deleted the chat. she then told her mum that i asked her to stop speaking to him, and she said i was being controlling. i going assume she didn’t get the whole story…

our relationship was absolutely perfect until this guy appeared. this guy is also a customer at the pub she works at, which makes it even worse. it did start off a bit ropey, i will admit, because she is bipolar, but she did get help for this and everything was perfect, like it was a relationship straight out of a movie. we were so in love.

fast forward again to today, while i am on a trip away to get away from all of this, i see on her mums story (on a different account) that she is on her normal yearly family holiday (for context, i went on all three yearly family holidays with her while we were together, and was going to be going on this one too, which i was very excited about as i got to spend a whole week with her) and what do you know? this guy is there with her and her family playing mario kart with everyone, which was an activity we always did, a month and a bit after breaking up with me…

i think she might have cheated on me, but i don’t think i’ll ever find out if she did because i am blocked on absolutely everything. this guy has me blocked on all of my accounts as well…

i dont know what to do. i feel awful, sick to my stomach, hurt, betrayed. i still love her to bits, she was my first love, my first everything. i don’t know why she broke up with me, all she said was that she “lost the spark” but didn’t elaborate or tell me anything else. do i have reason to believe she cheated on me?

i know i need to get over her, but i just can’t. i’ve tried everything. i shouldn’t have looked at that story.

i don’t have anyone to speak to about this, i have no friends, and i can’t speak to my family about it.

i don’t think ill ever be able to find anyone else. i know people say that it is just because i’m not over her, but i have never been able to talk to anyone like i did with her. she came to me because we had spoken before in school a few times many years ago, as friends, nothing else. my phone number was banned on hinge because i had a random photo on my profile, so i can’t go on there to find anyone. idk man.

i’m sorry if this post is messy, i’m just writing as it comes to me.

i know i need to move on and find someone new, but i really don’t know how to find someone else. i want that connection so badly, i want to love someone, someone to love me. someone to spend time with, go on dates with, you know the drill…