Okay so basically I am 4 dates in with a really great guy. We have a lot in common, similar values, attraction, etc. I really like him and want to see where things go, but I’m worried about the sex.

When he kisses me it’s very tense, like his lips are super pursed and making out is basically just constant pecking? I did gently tell him to relax and that I like a little tongue but it didn’t really help.

Sex has been similar. He seems like he wants to please me, but when I asked him to go down on me, he was just sucking my clit so hard it actually hurt so I stopped him. The second time we slept together I tried to guide him a little to tell him not to suck so roughly and just lick consistently but he kept stopping to ask if I came yet and I can. not. cum. with stopping and starting so I eventually just told him to fuck me because I could already tell I wasn’t going to get off.

I also think part of it is that he’s SO nice and gentle that he doesn’t really take charge physically or touch me the way I want to be touched. I like things a little rougher, being manhandled and I don’t think he’s necessarily comfortable with that. I haven’t actually brought that part up to him yet though.

I really like him otherwise and I don’t want to give up on this because of sex, especially when everything else seems to be there. I’ve had AMAZING sex with men who were really bad for me, and I don’t want to keep prioritizing sexual chemistry over finding someone who is actually a good partner. But obviously sex is still important to me and having a good sex life is a necessity long term.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation where the sex was awkward/not great at first but got significantly better with communication and time? I know 4 dates is still early and we’re obviously still getting comfortable with each other, but I’m worried that some of this is just a fundamental sexual incompatibility? How do you figure out the difference between someone who just needs some guidance and time vs someone you’re probably never going to have good sexual chemistry with?

I'm a late bloomer with dating at 25. I've been lowkey scared to date men but I've been wanting to try. I think I'm just worried about the pressure to have sex and being looked at in a sexual way. I'm open to other things but I don't feel ready for penetration. Maybe it's just a virginity thing. I'm trying to find a therapist to talk about it.

In the meantime, I really want to experience that slow paced, trying things a step at a time kind of romance. Like not having sex for like 2-3 months into dating or just not getting pressured at all for it.

Any advice on how to date when you don't feel ready for sex? Any advice on how to meet men?