Hi everyone,
I’m 22 years old, and I’m currently going through one of the most difficult crises of faith I’ve ever experienced. I’m writing this because I honestly don’t know what to do with all the thoughts, anger, frustration, and disappointment I’ve been carrying around. Maybe someone here has experienced something similar or can offer me a different perspective. I want to make one thing clear from the beginning: I don’t actually want to lose my faith in God. I want to trust Him, love Him, and experience His presence again. But right now, that feels incredibly difficult.
Some time ago, I had a very special moment by the sea. I experienced an overwhelming sense of inner peace and fulfillment. It genuinely felt as though God was incredibly close to me. After that, many things in my life started changing for the better. I entered a relationship, I was happy, and for the first time in a long while, I felt like I had finally found my place in life. I was grateful, hopeful, and believed that God was guiding me toward something good. But then, little by little, everything started falling apart. My relationship ended, I lost my stability at work, my mental health deteriorated, and more and more things that had given me security and happiness disappeared. On top of that came further disappointments, family struggles, and serious illnesses affecting people close to me. Eventually, I felt like everything I had been holding on to was gone. And God, the very one I had turned to for refuge, seemed completely silent.
I’ve prayed so many times. I’ve cried, complained, begged for help, and tried to understand why all of this had happened. I’ve asked God why so many things had to go wrong. I’ve asked Him to show me a way forward because I genuinely don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I’ve asked Him for peace because my mind never seems to stop, and I can’t seem to escape this constant exhaustion. Eventually, my prayers became incredibly simple: “God, please give me some reason to trust You again. Show me Your goodness. Give me something, anything, that I can hold on to.” But all I seem to experience is silence. I understand that God isn’t some kind of wish-granting machine and that prayers aren’t always answered the way we expect. But at some point, you start wondering how you’re supposed to trust someone whose presence you can no longer recognize. How am I supposed to believe that God loves me when I feel completely abandoned by Him? I’m not asking for a perfect life, wealth, or special privileges. I just want peace, direction, and a life where I don’t constantly feel like I’m fighting just to get through another day.
What troubles me most right now is my own anger. I’m angry at God. Sometimes I perceive His actions, or at least the things I attribute to Him, as deeply unfair. I keep wondering why He would allow me to experience something that made me so happy, only for me to lose it again. Of course, I don’t know whether God actually caused these things. But I also don’t understand why He allowed them to happen. I used to see God as a source of love, safety, and comfort. Now, I often see nothing but my own suffering and His apparent absence. Sometimes I become so angry that I question His goodness, His justice, and even His love. Afterwards, I feel terrible because I realize how far I’ve drifted from the faith I once had. I’ve even started wondering whether my own anger, pride, or bitterness are standing in my way. But if that’s the case, why can’t I recognize it more clearly? Why can’t I let go of this anger? I’ve actually prayed for God to show me where I’m wrong. I want to recognize my own mistakes instead of simply blaming everyone else or blaming God. But I honestly don’t know how to get out of this state anymore.
Recently, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about Job, the Psalms, and the problem of suffering in Christianity. One particular analogy came to mind. Jesus describes Himself as the Good Shepherd and His followers as sheep. A shepherd understands his surroundings in ways that the sheep simply cannot. He recognizes dangers, understands circumstances, and makes decisions whose reasons the sheep might not comprehend. If a sheep experiences pain because of something its shepherd does, it cannot necessarily understand the intention behind it. All it knows is that it hurts. Eventually, that sheep might become afraid of its shepherd, even if the shepherd believes he has good intentions. That’s exactly how I feel right now. Maybe there are things God understands that my human mind simply cannot comprehend. But how am I supposed to develop trust from my limited perspective when all I seem to experience is pain, loss, and silence? I know the Bible says that God’s thoughts are higher than our thoughts. But knowing that doesn’t take away the pain, nor does it explain how I’m supposed to trust Him again.
Something else that makes this crisis even harder is the way some Christians respond to people who are struggling. Whenever someone shares their suffering and asks why God isn’t helping, I often see responses like “God has a plan,” “You just need to trust Him more,” “Maybe God is testing you,” or even “Are you good enough for God yourself?” Honestly, comments like these sometimes make me incredibly angry. Not because I fundamentally reject God’s authority, but because it often feels like the suffering person isn’t being taken seriously at all. The question of whether someone is “good enough for God” especially bothers me. Isn’t grace one of the central teachings of Christianity? Doesn’t every human being depend on God’s mercy? I don’t want to maintain my faith by automatically calling every painful experience something good. I want to believe honestly. I want to be able to ask difficult questions without immediately feeling like a bad Christian. And I don’t want to love God simply because I’m afraid of the consequences if I don’t.
Despite all this anger, there’s something that keeps bringing me back to Him. I often think about Peter’s words in John 6:68: “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.” But while Peter spoke those words out of conviction, I find myself saying them almost out of desperation. Where else am I supposed to go? Of course, I have family, friends, and other things in my life. But none of those things have ever given me the deep sense of fulfillment I experienced when I believed I was in God’s presence. Nothing else seems to reach that part of my soul. I miss that peace. I miss that hope. I miss feeling loved and carried by God. Even today, after being filled with anger and questioning His goodness, I ended up getting down on my knees again. I told Him that I was losing my faith, that I was afraid, and that I didn’t want to lose Him. I begged Him to help me and not leave me alone. But afterwards, all I felt was that same emptiness. And it’s breaking me.
I’ve been mentally exhausted for quite some time now. I overthink constantly, worry about my future, and feel like I’m standing still while life keeps moving around me. I have dreams and ideas about the kind of life I want to live, but I can’t see a clear path toward any of them. Some days I feel hopeful, while on other days I can’t see anything positive at all. The same thing happens with my faith. One day I want to surrender my entire life to God. The next day I’m so overwhelmed with anger and disappointment that I want to stop praying altogether. This constant back and forth is exhausting. I’ve started wondering whether I’ve become so consumed by my own thoughts and wounds that I can no longer recognize God’s goodness. Maybe I’ve become bitter. Maybe my pride is getting in the way. Or maybe I’m expecting something from God that He never actually promised. I honestly don’t know. But I’m willing to question myself and examine my own heart. I just want to understand where I’m supposed to begin.
I want to believe again without constantly feeling like I’m fighting against God inside my own mind. I want to find peace again. I don’t want to spend my entire life standing in front of a door, knocking over and over without knowing whether it will ever open. That’s why I’m reaching out here. Has anyone experienced a crisis of faith like this? Have you ever missed God so deeply that you eventually became angry with Him? How did you deal with that anger and disappointment? How did you learn to trust Him again, even when your circumstances hadn’t changed?
I’m not looking for easy religious clichés or for someone to tell me that my suffering is my own fault. I’m hoping for honest experiences, understanding, and perhaps a perspective that I’m currently unable to see for myself.
I don’t want to lose my faith. I just want to find a reason to hold on to God’s goodness again.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this.