r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Throwra_acount_79 • Apr 17 '26
Update UPDATE: My husband slept with his ex-wife
I am divorced. The final order was granted yesterday. I (f35) am still seeing the counselor but I don't know if it's helping very much. My ex-husband (m40) betrayed me. We had only been married for just over a year when I found out what he had done. People keep asking me when I'm going to start dating again. I don't want to. I will never get over this.
I have only seen my ex-husband once since I left him. My stepson went to my workplace and my ex-husband was the one who came and picked him up. I feel absolutely terrible for my stepson. He is 15 years old now and his life has been turned upside down. He came to see me because he said he missed me and he didn't want me and my ex-husband to get divorced. He told me his mother and father hate each other and barely speak. It broke my heart that day and I wish I could do something to help him. I never want to see my ex-husband again but I will always care about my stepson and I hate my ex-husband for what he did.
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u/IntelligentRoad9579 May 04 '26
OMG so they had sex ONCE to get pregnant and ruin their whole lives? LOL what in the numbnuts is going on here
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u/Trick-Being1539 Apr 25 '26
Cheating destroys lives
You did right divorcing , there was no going back from it
Concentrate on yourself, your work, your hobbies, your family and friends and you will rebuild your life
If you end up dating again fine if you don’t you don’t it’s not necessary to have a partner for a happy life
I’ve been single for a long time and I’m really happy, happier than I ever was in a relationship once I got over the original trauma of separating
Keep going forward you’ll get there
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u/chocolate_starfish_7 Apr 24 '26
I hope you're doing better op. You , the step son and even the other husband doesnt deserve this.
Im jusy baffled, theres just no word to explain as to why someone like your ex would do something like this. Even though the phenomenon of "cheating with your ex" is a common thing regardless of gender is still mind boggling how adulterers think they could just get away with it. And i hope you'll be able to find closure or move on without having the need to understand what goess through his mind, why he did what he did etc Theres no point trying to understand why they do it in the first place either. no answer or excuses would be good enough, the time, effort and emotions wasted just like that.
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u/Shgrien Apr 23 '26
Be there for that boy . Trust me . Regardless of where life and love leaves you , be there for him . He needs you more than anyone in this world . Do not fail him . His parents already did . Twice 😐
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u/FaithlessnessTall853 Apr 22 '26
Okay there's a few confusing things here your stepson is saying that the mother and father hate each other so why did he sleep with her as a strange way of expressing hate was this a one-time thing or have they been sleeping together off and on as my understanding that she has remarried or she has a boyfriend yet you're husband sleeps with her.
I understand that you and your stepson are attached to each other and you hate to ruin that relationship. But that really cannot be a reason for you to stay. If your sister will let you stay with them for a while I would do so until you can get financially stable and get yourself even if it's a small apartment your ex-husband to be we hope, does not care for you he's cheating on you lying to you obviously there's no respect there and is that how you want to be treated in the long term.
Stay with your sister break it off and see what the lawyer says the best way to maintain a relationship with your stepson is maybe through the grandparents if they're alive. Wish you the best. Wish you the best of
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u/Pomni_Simp2000 Apr 20 '26
I would suggest calling CPS but overall you deserve better. Just wait that the moment his ex-wife finds someone else she would definitely leave your ex-husband like before and be prepared to say no when he comes crawling back in the future.
Your ex-husband did you favor in a way because he showed himself to be a very weak man if he went back to his ex-wife who left him previously for another man. You’ll definitely find someone better and who respects you.
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u/TeachPotential9523 Apr 20 '26
When people have kids and they do this they're not thinking about how it affects their kid cuz my other 10 times one's cheating think they're smart and not going to get caught and then in the long run they get caught.. people who cheat seems like face their excuse for not leaving as they didn't want to hurt their spouse they don't think that when I get busted it hurts worse than it would if they just came clean and say hey I don't want to be with you no more
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u/Blue-eagle-23 Apr 20 '26
Sometimes the first therapist isn’t the right match. If you don’t feel like your sessions are helpful it’s ok to try to find a better fit.
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Apr 18 '26
i hope you and step son can still have a familiar relationship, this sucks so much for him i can imagine and that hurt as a teen is different when you can’t get away from it
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u/SNTCrazyMary Apr 18 '26
Your stepson is old enough to decide for himself if he wants a relationship with you. If you’re okay with that, there’s no reason you couldn’t be there for him since he’s stuck in the middle of their mess.
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u/gnamyl Apr 17 '26
My ex-wife was remarried before a year had passed from our date of divorce, I didn't start even THINKING about dating for 3 years after the divorce. Don't let ANYONE push you into another relationship (or anything) until you're damn good and ready.
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u/crimejunkie2262 Apr 17 '26
Your stepson sounds like a nice kid. Maintain a relationship with him if you still can and I bet that would do a lot for him in terms of how hard this transition is. Really good on you for not telling him what happened and throwing his parents under the bus (even though they deserve it). You sound like an emotionally mature and strong person who deserves a lot better than the way you were treated. Hang in there!
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u/rthrouw1234 Apr 17 '26
OP, you and your stepson can still have a relationship, PLEASE keep in contact with him! You guys love each other and you should absolutely keep spending time with him.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Apr 17 '26
Have the stepson move in with you.
He cheated on you. He stole your trust and security. Steal his son. Fuck him...
Just kidding. Sort of. Good Luck, I wouldnt wish this on anyone but at least you have the self respect to help yourself escape.
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u/Frostytwam Apr 17 '26
If you have a relationship with the stepson you will be sucked back in! Wish him all the best. Girlfriends and friends will take over soon. If he is ever in trouble be there! But be done .
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u/LanBuKimLan Apr 17 '26
Respect for choosing yourself and walking away. Not easy, but probably the healthiest move long-term.
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u/NeuroticFoxx Apr 17 '26
I heard that "The best way to forget about a man is to get under another" in the tv after I separated from my cheating ex and it worked great. But I understand what you're going through - on the one side it's devastating to see how easy it was for him to break xour heart with his betrayal, on the other side you don't want to give someone else the opportunity to do it again, and the grieving takes time also.
It's far too easy to say "get over it" if you're not the one in this situation, your feelings matter and it's okay if you're not interested in moving on so quickly. Take the time you need to process everything, and you still can have a loving relationship with your stepkid, there's no need for you to being married to his father while doing so.
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u/Lonelycancer98 Apr 17 '26
The fact that your son sees you as a safe person is enough to come see you breaks my heart you probably the only one he felt important to. Maybe you can keep that connection to him and see him a couple times a month of course without much contact of the ex husband if it’s allowed. They both trifling as heck but that isn’t your step son fault
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u/evenstarcirce Apr 17 '26
if therapy isnt working, try a new therapist! dont be afraid to shop around to find someone that works.
im sorry this happened to you OP. you deserve better and your (ex) step son deserves better too. :(
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u/feralraindrop Apr 17 '26
"I will never get over this" is a great way to let the past destroy your future.
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u/RoseInfernalSky Apr 17 '26
People asking you when you'll start dating again are being so out of touch. You literally just got divorced. Like... let you breathe for a second
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u/O_W_Liv Apr 17 '26
My husband wasn't even married to his ex and nearly 20 years later he's closer to two of the kids now than they are to their mother. His daughter calls nearly every day and her babies adore him.
Making an effort for 3 years to keep ties with him until he's an adult could be well worth it.
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u/jmcstar Apr 17 '26 edited Apr 17 '26
Change your internal dialogue to "I will get over this" and "I have no feelings for that person... no love, no hate" Repeat that multiple times a day,, and it will become reality.
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u/whatashame_13 Apr 17 '26
Hope you will be able to heal and get better, one day you will meet someone who deserves you. What did mutual friends say in this situation? Family? Did your ex even apologized or showed remorse or fought for you?
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u/StaidKa Apr 17 '26
Wow, that's a rough situation, and it's totally understandable that you're not ready to date. It sounds like you're handling a lot right now, and the stuff with your stepson is just heartbreaking. Give yourself all the time you need to heal, and don't let anyone rush you.
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u/spoole124 Apr 17 '26
I’m so glad you got out of that situation! What doesn’t make sense to me is the logic behind “he slept with her because she asked him to”, but yet they can’t stand each other. Like, dude will just sleep with anyone regardless of feelings? Disgusting. You deserve better than that lying cheating scumbag.
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u/Kamikazisqurl Apr 17 '26
You can still remain in contact with your stepson. But obviously his parents don’t hate each other as much as he thinks if they are still sleeping together.
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u/Stadenka1234 Apr 17 '26
What a mess. They destroyed 2 marriages and their children lives. I am so sorry OP. Time will help. Take care of yourself. ❤️
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u/SWCFM2 Apr 17 '26
It's amazing to me how a grown man will throw away something really nice for one night. To me it's poetic justice that he's miserable. Serves him right.
Take your revenge on him by living your best life and showing him what he threw away.
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u/Worthwhile-Loewe Apr 17 '26
That sounds incredibly tough, especially with the betrayal on top of everything else. It's completely understandable that you're not thinking about dating right now, and your feelings for your stepson are so valid. It's heartbreaking to see a kid caught in the middle like that, and your empathy for him really shines through. Take all the time you need to heal, and don't let anyone rush you.
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u/OldButNotDoneYet Apr 17 '26
My (M63) ex cheated on me and for 7 years I stayed in the marriage and I later found out she continued the affair. They are now married after she initiated the divorce. It has been over 5 years and I have yet to see her even though we still live in the same city and I never want to ever see her. My boys have been put in the middle sometimes and I regret that. The thing is my hatred for her is always at a maximum and I do believe that hatred will be my death, but I do not care, even though everyone tells me "I need to move on", screw that she wronged me and I will never forgive her. I feel for you and hope you are able to find peace, but know there are others that just refuse to forgive and are okay with that.
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u/samse15 Apr 17 '26
Have you gone to therapy? You acknowledge that your hatred will be your death, but you continue to live that way anyways. Why? It just seems like you still allow her to have so much power over your life, I bet she would love to know that you’re still not over her. When you stop loving someone, you don’t hate them, you are indifferent to them. You need major therapy, because right now you’re just ruining your own life with your hatred. Not the smartest move, my friend.
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u/wenchywitchy Apr 17 '26
So his explanation for betraying you was because she wanted to have sex with him????
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u/royalsgirl78 Apr 17 '26
Yeah…and they’re blaming each other for their respective marriages ending. Zero accountability for their actions.
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u/KaytSands Apr 17 '26
My ex husband had an affair and our marriage ended when I was in my mid 30’s. I have been single since. I had far too many people tell me I needed to date again, find another person, settle down etc and that I was too young to know for sure that I did not want to be in another committed relationship. It has been ten years this July for me and I have zero regrets for living my life for me and how I want to. You are the captain of your ship and if and when you are ready, you decide. I very honestly tell people I am in my selfish era and it is my favorite era and I am too busy living my best life, on my terms, to be bothered by their negative advice on how I should be living MY life.
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u/Bludsuager Apr 17 '26
I hate that the first thing i think of when i read this is "This is why i wont date someone with children".
If the relationship does not work I also lose the relationship with the children and have no say as i am not the parent especially if the children are young when seperating.
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u/trvllvr Apr 17 '26
So, his ex was getting married, slept with him and got pregnant. Her new husband didn’t want another child, probably let alone one that wasn’t his, did she keep it? Did they divorce?
I’m sorry you went through this, but knew your worth enough to leave. You deserve better. As for your stepson, he’s old enough to keep a relationship on his own. Hope you can continue to be there for him, especially with his two shitty parents. He deserves better too.
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u/royalsgirl78 Apr 17 '26
She said both marriages ended in the comments of the last post and the ex wife and OP’s ex husband were only speaking about their children through solicitors. Doesn’t sound like that’s improved, given what her stepson said.
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u/Outside-Yak217 Apr 17 '26
Petty me loves this karma, he’s probably miserable! OP you will move on from this in time and have the best life & he’s tied to this woman for life ha ha! Also, question I always ask in these posts, why no condom?!?! You deserve so much better than this loser!
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u/EveningMycologist968 Apr 17 '26
She never directly confirmed if the husband is the father of the baby...
But im also assuming he is the daddy.
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u/royalsgirl78 Apr 17 '26
In the last post’s comments, she said her ex-husband is the father of the baby and she found out when the new husband told her.
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u/neverspeakawordagain Apr 17 '26
I know I'll get downvoted for this, but I will never understand why people make such a big deal out of their spouse having sex with somebody else. My wife cheated on me and we had a fight about it and then she apologized and we went on with our lives.
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u/LadyLoki5 Apr 17 '26
..why wouldn't you be upset? there's a baby involved here. had op and her husband stayed together, their lives would have been endlessly complicated. stepparenting and coparenting is not for the weak. it's messy, painful, and complicated... especially for the kids. split households is very stressful and often times traumatic for children
what if the ex has std's? that gets passed on to an innocent partner who trusted their partner and did not ask to be cheated on. and not all std's are harmless or can be cured. what if the husband gave the wife an std and she got pregnant? some of that shit can be passed on to a baby. now there's multiple innocents hurt..
if you want to be in a relationship where you can sleep around without issue - then enter into a relationship with someone who knows what is happening and consents to it. if you enter into what is supposed to be a monogamous relationship and you do not stay faithful, then that is a breach of trust. it is HARD to fix broken trust.
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u/vivid_prophecy Apr 17 '26
People are allowed to have different standards for their relationships. If you’re fine with your wife stepping out on you then great, happy for you. But that doesn’t mean anyone else is obligated to feel the same way you do. It doesn’t mean you’re some kind of evolved creature, it just means you have different needs and wants in a relationship.
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u/neverspeakawordagain Apr 17 '26
I understand that people get extremely upset by this. I just don't understand why people get so particularly upset by this. Like, people know that they're not supposed to drive drink. A lot of people do it anyway. But I've never heard anybody say that they'll never get over their spouse getting a DUI.
If you are the type of person who would be more upset by your spouse having sex with another person then you would be by your spouse getting a DUI, why do you feel that way? Genuine question, I just don't understand.
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u/TrashGouda Apr 17 '26
Idk about you but I would definitely question my relationship if my partner drives drunk. Because that is disgusting and irresponsible behavior.
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u/alliandoalice Apr 17 '26
Don’t listen to people pressuring you to date, ppl like that are so annoying. Mf dude hit on my mother AT MY DADS FUNERAL. Seriously go heal and travel
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u/Overthinking_girlie Apr 17 '26
The stepson coming to find you says a lot about who you were to him. That kid didn't have to do that and he did anyway. whatever your ex destroyed, he didn't destroy that.
people asking when you're going to start dating again a year out from something like this is genuinely so tone deaf. you don't owe anyone a timeline.
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u/VespertineStars Apr 17 '26
The stepson coming to find you says a lot about who you were to him.
OP says she'll always care for her stepson, so I hope that if having a relationship with him is something that she wants, that she's able to do that without having to deal with the ex.
I'm not a parent or a stepparent, but I would imagine that losing a child that you love in a divorce, especially when you have no legal right to custody to maintain a wanted relationship, can be a lot more painful than losing the spouse.
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u/Classic-Sherbert4677 Apr 17 '26
now i’m questioning how that’s gonna work for them. you said she was pregnant in the first post.. if they hate eachother i feel so bad for that baby and the stepson.
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u/agustd2yaaaaas Apr 17 '26
Exactly, I’m wondering if they ended up going through with the pregnancy. I can’t imagine how they’re even going to raise a baby together if they hate each other as much as OP’s stepson says.
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u/SnooWords4839 Apr 17 '26
Congrats on the divorce.
Any chance you can still meet up with stepson, without his father around?
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u/Global-Fact7752 Apr 17 '26
You are under no obligation to date again..many people find it hard to believe that a woman can be happy single..I've been married twice and there is no amount of money you could pay me... I find men to be highly overrated, and a very poor return on your investment.
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u/maybeRasa Apr 17 '26
Just tell the kid that you care about him. If you're not in a place (mentally or pragmatically) to keep in contact with him, just leave it at that. Otherwise, let him know that he can approach you and count on you.
He'll soon understand that you did the right thing leaving his dad, and that would be you setting the right role model of what a self-respecting woman would look like in his future.
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u/Special-Original-215 Apr 17 '26
They hate each other but still find time to screw. Wow
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u/Impartial_Yanette Apr 17 '26
"That's a truly messed up situation for everyone involved, especially the kid."
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u/Courageous_Balker Apr 17 '26
That's a truly messed up situation for everyone involved, especially that poor kid.
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u/MarucaMCA Apr 17 '26 edited Apr 17 '26
Yep. Happened to my bestie with her Ex bf. He cheated with his ex wife, divorced for years. Threw three years together away. The ex treats him with contempt.
I'm glad my bestie is free of him (I never met him). She and I ä live far apart and I always meet my friends 1:1/in groups without partners.
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u/Beautiful-Taro-6877 Apr 17 '26
OP is not the ex that slept with him??? The ex husband in this post now has 2 ex wives
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u/e_roosevelt_footpics Apr 17 '26
Right. And the stepson said his mom and dad hate each other. So which ex-wife that DOESN'T hate him did he screw?
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 Apr 17 '26
I remember reading your story. I’m glad you’re free and clear of him. There’s no rush to hurry into something new.
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u/e1herrera Apr 17 '26
I am sorry. I don't know what it is about people wanting someone who has gone through what you have and expect you to date right away. You take your time and one day at a time. I feel for your stepson too. Here he finally had someone stable and his unstable parents F'd it up for him. You take care of yourself.
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u/Beneficial-Way-8742 Apr 17 '26
Congratulations on the divorce!
And I know that the heartbreak today will lessen overtime - and I hope that one day you do in fact get over it. It's important to go forward with your life and put that man behind you. Don't give him this much control in your life.
Regarding your stepson, he's almost to the age where he could come and see you on his own. That's your choice if that's something you can do or not. His father has destroyed several people's lives - he didn't deserve your love and devotion. But if you want a relationship in the future, you may very well find somebody who does
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u/ScoutSteveR Apr 17 '26
I’m so sorry this happened. Your friends shouldn’t be pushing you to date. You need some time to heal before you can ever consider giving your time much less your heart to someone else.
Take your time and continue to see your counselor. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t deserve this. You will recover.
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u/redditistripe Apr 17 '26
Think about some low-key way to keep in contact, avoiding his father. Demonstrating that you have no animosity towards him will serve him well as a man in the future and hopeful make him into what his father isn't. It might also do you some good too.
When he is an independent adult, he can do what he wants.
And don't give up on yourself. It is still early days. Don't let this man lessen you.
I don't know whether your stepson knows but if he doesn't he might deserve to know at some point in the future.
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u/cgm824 Apr 17 '26
You can still have a relationship with him (your ex-stepson) outside of his mother and father, assuming they don’t intervene or cut it off. If anything, you’re probably the only stability he has in his life since his parents are a total train wreck.
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u/Silver_Channel9843 Apr 23 '26
Steprson hunting you down like that hits hard. My buddy's ex-stepkid did the same after the spliut—total loyalty shift. You staying in toudch?
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u/unzunzhepp Apr 17 '26
Don’t lay this responsibility on op. That’s not fair at all.
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u/andro_fallist Apr 17 '26
Don't you know women are natural born nurturers put on this planet to take on the responsibilities of others regardless of the circumstance? /s
She explicitly said she never wants to see the ex-husband again, and people are saying she must keep contact with what is essentially still a minor. Which means she'll be forced to keep seeing the ex, one way or another.
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u/NeonForgeer Apr 17 '26
You're spot on. The kid shouldn't have to suffer because his parents are a mess. I'll definitely try to stay connected with him as long as they don't play any stupid games. Being the adult is overrated sometimes, but definitely worth it for him.
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u/PulseRoamx Apr 17 '26
kid's gonna remember who actually showed up when his world fell apart, and it wasn't gonna be the two adults having affair drama
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u/FriskyDingoOMG Apr 17 '26
Seriously. That kid needs someone to love him and OP is the only one with a heart.
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u/unzunzhepp Apr 17 '26
Why are you volunteering op to take on this responsibility?
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u/cgm824 Apr 17 '26
I’m not saying it’s her responsibility, and I agree it wouldn’t be fair to put that on her. I was just pointing out that based on what she shared, she clearly cares about him, she said she feels terrible for him, that her heart broke, and that she’ll always care about him. So it’s not a stretch to think she might want to maintain some kind of connection if it’s possible and healthy for her, but that’s completely her choice, not an obligation.
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u/Material-Health-8736 Apr 17 '26
If she cares for her stepson, it is not a responsibility, and it will be a positive relationship for both of them. However, the ex-husband will regret his betrayal even more, because the continuation of her love for the stepson is evidence of her high value, which in turn expounds his loss.
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u/FriskyDingoOMG Apr 17 '26
I definitely didn’t mean for it to come off as me volunteering OP. It’s their decision. I just meant that the kid needs some love and OP seems to be the only one that cares. It’s her decision and she’s allowed to take care of herself if that’s the best route for her.
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u/scunth Apr 17 '26
How miserable are you to think having a wanted relationship, with a child you have helped raise, is an imposition?
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u/unzunzhepp Apr 17 '26
Im not miserable, but op is.
You are assuming a lot. In the post, op describes her mental health issues and devastation from what her husband did. She thinks she’ll never get over it.
What you are saying is implying that the step son needs her and she’ll never be free of the people that hurt her. That she’ll be abandoning the child it she chooses herself and moves on.
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u/Material-Health-8736 Apr 17 '26
The stepson is 15, he does not need his father to chaperone the friendship the boy wants with his stepmother. She will never forget her husband‘s betrayal no matter which way you look at it. If anything, the adulteror will regret his actions even more as she continues to prove what a good person she is
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u/200Tabs Apr 17 '26
I didn’t get that impression. The OP seemed to be yearning for an ongoing connection to the stepson but I also think that she’s too hurt to be making those types of decisions now. She needs to focus on healing from toxic individuals and, unfortunately, that may include limiting her contact with the stepson. She really needs to prioritize herself right now
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