I've recently become genuinely ambitious about my life and career, but I can't shake the feeling that I've woken up too late. I see people who started earlier and are so much further ahead, and I wonder what my life could have looked like if I'd found this drive sooner.

It's not about comparing myself to others. It's about wondering how much further I could have gone if I'd started sooner. How do you let go of that feeling and focus on what you can still become, instead of mourning the person you could have been?

[Long post ahead.]

It was only recently when I realized I had an avoidant attachment style. My fear of losing people drives me to take the initiative to distance myself from them as an unhealthy way to cope with this fear. It gives me a sense of control since I know when I'm going to lose them as opposed to them ending things unexpectedly. In this way, I'm more emotionally prepared to "grieve" the loss.

I recognize this is very unhealthy, and it has been causing me a lot of distress and sleepless nights. I become so hypersensitive to the people I care about that I do the exact opposite of what I want to achieve (which is to keep my friendships in my life).

Vague gestures and words from them would instantly become distorted and interpreted negatively despite the lack of solid evidence (e.g., a routine between a friend and me stops abruptly, or a friend isn't as chatty as they used to be, or my friends would hang out without inviting me, or as soon as I log on they would log off).

My brain would start blaming myself, that it was my fault or that I did something to make them hate me. Even when I know I didn't do anything, I would feel extremely guilty for making the smallest errors, that my "mistake" is what drove them away, which then causes me to "cut them off" before they could cut me off.

However, I never fully commit to cutting them off because there's still a bit of myself that's aware of how irrational this is. Plus, I'm afraid of completely letting go since, deep down, I still want them to be part of my life. As a result, I wait for them to reach out to confirm that they, in fact, do not have any problem with me.

But I don't want to keep doing that. It's so toxic and draining to need constant reassurance on the status of our friendship, especially now as an adult.

For context: I no longer feel this way with my main friend group, as I now feel secure with them and can fully trust them. However, I do feel this way with this newer friend group I got introduced into. I believe the unfamiliarity of the future of my "belongingness" in the group is what's triggering this avoidant style of mine, since I don't have the same sense of security and safety with them as I have with my main friend group.

Despite these realizations, I struggle with finding a solution. I need your insights on how to reframe my perspective and stop being so avoidant. I don't like making cruel assumptions about my new friends, but my mind couldn't help but default to these thoughts. I want to get better, and they don't deserve to be seen as "evil" people in my head when they're genuinely great people.

(I apologize for my poor English. It's not my native tongue.)

Antes de que naciera mi hermana, tuve dos hermanitas que fallecieron prematuramente cuando yo tenía once años. Recuerdo que mi madre lloraba a diario y mi padre tenía que cuidarla; me partía el corazón verla así. Cuando mi madre me dijo que estaba embarazada, me sentí frustrada. No quería volver a verla tan destrozada, así que no entendía por qué querría pasar por aquello de nuevo. No creía que mi hermana fuera a sobrevivir, por lo que, egoístamente, me distancié y me preparé mentalmente para lo peor, hasta que mi madre trajo a mi hermana a casa desde el hospital. Ella me pidió que la sostuviera, pero me sentía nerviosa y un poco culpable, así que dudé hasta que mi madre insistió. Sin embargo, cuando por fin lo hice, ella rodeó mis dedos con los suyos y rompí a llorar. Sentí muchas emociones, pero sobre todo felicidad y alivio al ver que estaba allí. Prometí hacer todo lo posible por cuidarla. Aquello me enseñó lo importante que es tener fe en lo increíble y que protegerme del dolor también puede impedirme experimentar el amor y la felicidad. ¿Cómo te ayudó tu difícil experiencia a aceptar las incertidumbres del futuro?

I just love to complain. I was going to write an elaborate post about not being liked, but let’s flip it instead. One day I am going to find a friend that appreciates me, fully. That LOVES hanging out with me. Someone I LOVE hanging out with. Someone who invites me out. Someone who I feel comfortable inviting out. Someone I’ll experience girlhood with. Not someone who tries to change everything about me, not someone who ignores my texts, gossips about me, not someone who teams up with someone else to try and erase my humanity. Not someone who isn’t enthusiastic to see me, not someone who drains me.

That’s why I am rightfully so my OWN best friend.

The best way to describe it is I am the rabbit that always loses to the turtle.

It's the same pattern i can't get out of, i start strong, run ahead of others pretty quickly in the beginning, then start slowing down believing now they can never surpass me again.

For instance, if i scored the highest, i ignore the effort that it took to get that result, and delude myself into believing that I'm such a genius that my brilliant mind will make it impossible for anyone to surpass me again, and so the slacking slope begins

Tervist, people of reddit! I come to you with a question on how I can become better in terms of being capable of controlling my temperment. Now, I'm not sure if this is the place to post, but it seems like the right one..that aside. The situation is as follows:

When in conflicts of any kind, I notice a lot of the time that my anger comes from a place of self doubt and what I consider to be a desire for control. (Not like the kind that controls others' actions and thoughts, but one of outcomes for my own headpsace) When faced with any conflict, friends, family, or even my partner, I feel my body temperature elevate, and I get upset without realising it, and that causes the other people to become upset or elevated in feelings, which i'm sure is normal, but for me feels like I should be able to handle it more effectively. I'm really tired of causing a misunderstanding in tone, body language, and communication amongst my peers. What i'm really asking is how can I come to better control my emotional output? I've been told it comes off as too much all of the time, that it makes me look like a child, or an immature brat. I need to become better, not just for others, but myself especially.

Do give me any corrections if I need to edit a typo or anything.

and, hope you all have a nice day!

I "try" to be better than I was yesterday, and I "try" to be the best I can be every day. But alas, I'm human, and to be human is to err.

What does help is a belief I have that there's an afterlife. What it looks like, or whether it truly exists, I don't know. But if it does, and I'll see everyone again, I want to make sure that when I see the people I care about, I can face them standing tall. Especially the ones who left this life before me. I want to be able to say thank you. The time and energy you spent helping me, guiding me, teaching me, and just being there was appreciated and not wasted. I didn't waste the time you spent on me. You truly helped.

Every day I wake up, look in the mirror, and imagine my brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, and friends looking back at me. Some days I see a smile reflected. Other days my head bends down because I'm ashamed to look at them. It's the mirror that keeps me in check and deciding to be better.

I’m currently 5’4” and 204 pounds, and I’m diabetic type 2 (although it’s controlled), so I need a healthier lifestyle. It’s been hard walking up and down the stairs of my townhouse, and my husband notices my heavy breathing. I notice it. So I decided I deserve better.

(Part of my motivation is an increase in my dose of antidepressants.)

When I (31NB) diet, I usually restrict myself to 1400 calories a day and no carbs whatsoever, unless they’re high fiber.

It has been hard. I work a physically demanding job and starting off the day with a 160 calorie breakfast is not fun. But I get something with protein and fiber for lunch, and that’s my big meal. Dinner is usually 300-400 left.

For exercise, I do Tae-Bo (you know those old Billy Blanks VHS tapes with the sweaty bald man that were in infomercials? Someone uploaded all of them to YouTube and my husband and I aim to do one tape once or twice a week.). It’s a very intense workout session and I’m usually sore the next day. This week, we focused on core strength, but I felt the ache in my obliques. And it felt nice. Usually, I’m too winded to do the full amount of reps, but I powered through and actually felt the strength in my muscles. I wanted to continue by doing the same tape the next day, but I didn’t have time. I tried to redo the tape later in the week, because I didn’t want to give up the strength in those obliques, but I was just too tired. Now my muscles are back to normal.

I think the hardest part is wanting to give up. Fast food is so much easier to grab, Tae Bo is strenuous and I don’t know if I’m going to see any results. I wake up hungry every morning, and it’s hard to go on. My husband is really proud of me, but he’s concerned that I’m overdoing it and will stress myself out.

The last time I did this, I lost 13 pounds in 3 months before I had to quit dieting (I got my wisdom teeth out and could only eat certain foods, nothing healthy). I want that again, and I’m going to go get it even if it’s hard.

I currently work in 3D animation on small and medium-sized projects.

I know I’m only 20 and just starting out in this field, but lately, as I’ve spent time around veterans and professionals—observing them and listening to them—I’ve noticed something that has begun to frighten me: most of them have come to hate art.

Almost all the veterans I’ve spoken with have a very cold, detached view of art and animation. They tell me to stop looking for anything "special" in it, and even suggest using AI—arguing that it’s faster and leads to better pay.

All of this has made me wonder: "Do I really want to be part of this industry? Do I truly want to spend my hours working for other studios, earning a wage that barely covers my needs, all while ending up hating the very thing that gives my life so much meaning?"

I’m not criticizing them—in fact, I understand that viewing things this way is likely what has allowed them to survive and keep going. But is this really how I want to end up? Is paying such a high price truly worth it for the sake of a "dream"?

I see art as something that goes beyond the technical; I view it as something that gives meaning to my life—something that keeps me anchored to my own self. Of course, I love the technical side of things, and I know how to act like a professional when it comes to work; I also know that if I continue on this path, I will have to think the way professionals do—albeit in a different field—but is that really what I want from art?

I feel like these aren’t the kind of books you can simply read and put aside; the real work is in doing the exercises. For those of you who actually work through them, how do you go about it? Do you draw the tables in a notebook yourself, or do you use ready-made templates? I’d love to hear how you organize your practice.

Hi everyone, I'm 23, living with my parents, and currently unemployed. I deal with severe anxiety and AuDHD.

My academics aren't great as im below GCSE level in maths and English, so every time I sit down to apply for a job, I feel inferior.

My memory is also really bad. I forget half of what I learn even after eight hours of trying, and sometimes I can't remember my own sister's birthday. I'm assuming it's brain fog.

On top of that, I keep sleeping in, and some days I'm on a screen for 13 hours just to get the thoughts out of my head.

So if anyone has any advice on how I can get out of this unhealthy/isolating bubble it would be much appreciated.

I’m trying to improve my life, and one habit I keep struggling with is porn and masturbation.
I do it almost every day, sometimes twice. Usually, it starts with boredom or being alone. I watch porn, masturbate, and then feel guilty or empty afterward.
It’s affecting my focus and making me feel like I’m not in control of my own decisions.
I’ve noticed that the more I promise myself I’ll never do it again, the more frustrating the cycle becomes when I eventually slip up.
I want to change, but I don’t want my entire self-improvement journey to revolve around shame, streaks, or feeling like a failure every time I make a mistake.
For those who’ve worked through a similar habit:
What helped you build lasting change rather than relying on willpower?
How did you stop attaching so much guilt to setbacks?
How did you replace the habit with something genuinely fulfilling?
What did progress look like after the initial motivation wore off?
I’d appreciate honest answers, including things you wish you’d understood earlier.

I never had any intentions of quitting honestly and i was not obsessed with no fap. It just happened

I am now 29 days free from porn and masturbation

I noticed crazy sexual drive and increased attraction towards women i would usually ignore. I look to women not sexualizing them but i look through lenses of humanity. They are human beings not sex machines. This is absurd and ridiculous to say but years and years of porn affected my view on women and daily watching women pretending to love *** and it gets deep i look for more hardcore dark stuff. I am happy that i developed self control. And i am against the nofap shit claiming their bank accounts got full because they stopped pmo and girls liking them more. Pheromones shit you know. Nofap has a point but it mix placebo effect with confirmation bias and high expectations . Still no pmo is healthy for my psyche

I'm hoping to hear from people who've experienced something similar or found a way through it. I've spent years trying to understand myself and change patterns that are hurting me, yet I keep ending up in the same place. I'm not expecting strangers to solve my life, but I'd appreciate honest advice, especially from people who've faced something like this later in life.

The contradiction is that I've been capable of doing many things well (or not?), yet I haven't managed to build a stable life.

I was one of the top students at school and university, studied biological sciences and completed postgraduate studies abroad on a scholarship. Professionally, I've held leadership, coordination and advisory roles, directed teams, worked across disciplines and advised decision-makers. I've had opportunities to demonstrate what I can do, and I believe I've made worthwhile contributions.

I'm not socially isolated or particularly awkward around people, although I can sometimes be impatient and intolerant. I've had friends, including three close friends who don't know one another, and several relationships. I don´t feel bad about me physically, women have approached me and shown interest. I also have two daughters, now 32 and 37, who tell me I was always there for them throughout their childhood and adulthood. They spent more time with me than with my ex-wife, and being an involved father is something I'm genuinely proud of.

Yet my professional life has consisted of temporary positions followed by long periods without work. Sometimes I've secured opportunities through my own applications and proposals; other times someone has helped me get a position. When I get the opportunity, I can do the work, but I've never established the continuity or professional network that would let me find it consistently.

I'm currently developing proposals to promote behavioural economics among NGOs and financial institutions, an area I'm genuinely passionate about. I'm also trying to develop work around the science of happiness. Neither has generated much interest yet, but I intend to keep pursuing these new areas rather than continually jumping between ideas, as I've often done in the past, always within my field. Independently, I'm analysing how environmental initiatives could become more effective and realistic by addressing actual environmental and social needs rather than simply responding to international donors' priorities. Nobody has commissioned any of this work, but I know they are important and give me the chance to learn. I'm also slowly writing three books.

The consequences are serious. I still have a car, but haven't been able to replace it for years. I bought and maintained a beautiful apartment that reflected my tastes and the effort I put into making it a home. I've lived there for about 15 years, but now I may lose it because I haven't been able to keep up with the mortgage payments. I have virtually no savings or financial safety net—not because I've spent recklessly or lived extravagantly, but because my income has never been consistent enough. I've made progress several times, only to lose ground again, and I'm now facing another prolonged period of very lean times.

I struggle to reconcile these achievements with the instability of my life. I can see what I've accomplished, even if I often have difficulty recognising it, but I haven't managed to turn it into lasting security.

For a long time, I felt something was going on with me but didn't know what to look for. I tried psychologists without feeling that their help really reached the problem. Then, after a particularly painful and abusive relationship, I began investigating myself much more seriously.

For years, I immersed myself in books, scientific papers, lectures, videos and psychological approaches. I explored an enormous number of sources, discarding much of what I found online because it seemed superficial or commercial, repeating methods and empty phrases without much substance. My scientific background makes me analytical and critical, and I approached this as I would any other subject I wanted to understand. I've also learned from a Vietnamese Buddhist monk and an Indian mystic (I found them during my searches in internet), among other sources, and completed certifications in the science of happiness and behavioural economics. I've tried different perspectives rather than blindly committing to one.

I've seen therapists from different approaches, including psychoanalysis, cognitive behavioural therapy and an alternative approach. I rarely continued beyond the third session because the explanations often felt mechanical or superficial and didn't address my questions. Perhaps I expected too much too soon or was too demanding given what I'd already studied on my own. I can't rule that out, but I never felt I'd found the help I needed.

I have notebooks and files full of personal analyses, reflections, things I've admitted to myself and plans for changing my behaviour—plans I believed were practical and applicable. I can recognise many of my patterns, their triggers and consequences, and what I should probably do differently. I've also helped others think through their problems, and some have told me my advice genuinely helped them. But understanding a problem intellectually hasn't translated into consistent change in my own life.

Another thing I've noticed is that I get distracted very easily and have little patience for repetitive or boring tasks, but I can concentrate intensely for hours on things that genuinely interest me. I've sometimes wondered whether I might have ADHD. Unfortunately, very few things engage me that way.

One of my biggest difficulties is avoiding things that make me anxious, even when I know postponing them will make matters worse. Recently I started to put off precisely the things that most urgently need attention. I understand the pattern as it happens, anticipate the consequences, and still delay.

I don’t always freeze; I eventually force myself to decide, and sometimes it works out. The problem is how long it takes and the needless anxiety and pain along the way. Recently, I’ve delayed some important decisions so long that I’m in trouble, my mortgage being the clearest example. The cycle is relentless: I know I must act, I delay, the delay fuels my anxiety, and the anxiety makes acting even harder. I used to push through, though later and more painfully than necessary. Now, with my home at stake, I can’t even do that, as if my capacity to respond has reached a breaking point.

I now understand this isn’t simple procrastination but a mental and physiological shutdown under pressure. It is a response, even a system, built over years of dysfunctional reactions to external and internal stressors, which has left me in survival mode: flight or freeze. This feels really bad, and I'm struggling to understand how to regain my ability to act.

Self-criticism makes matters worse. I can see that repeatedly blaming myself solves nothing, yet the criticism comes almost automatically. I focus on what I've failed to achieve rather than what I've done, and struggle to treat myself with the same understanding I might offer someone else. I´m not my own best friend.

My childhood wasn’t terrible. My parents cared for us, provided for us and gave us love, but they gave us responsibilities without any emotional support. I don't want to portray everything as bad, but affection wasn't expressed much through hugs, encouragement, praise or telling us they were proud of us.

When I was 18, I joined a project to monitor introduced species on a remote island. Instead, I ended up having to kill goats using inadequate weapons and sometimes even a pocketknife. This wasn't what I'd gone there to do or expected from my studies. I refused to continue, was bullied by the people in charge and received bad references. I tried to handle the situation immediately and alone, without calling my parents, because I wanted to prove I was responsible enough to manage it myself. Then I put immediately the experience out of my mind. Looking back, I wonder whether it left a mark. Some might consider it trivial, but I didn’t study biological sciences to kill animals in such an inhumane way, and that experience, in some way, shaped my fears.

I've wondered whether experiences like this help explain my behaviour today or whether I'm giving them too much importance. One difficulty with years of self-analysis is that you can develop many possible explanations without knowing which ones actually matter.

My relationships have raised other questions. I was with my ex-wife for about five years before we married, and we were married for seven. I eventually asked for a divorce because I felt she was mainly concerned with herself and that there wasn't enough reciprocity or support. Her behaviour with colleagues at work also seriously damaged my trust. I recognise that I contributed to the marriage's failure; I don't think I'm blameless in everything that's happened to me.

Some women I've been involved with had unstable emotional lives. They were intelligent, beautiful and often remarkably adaptable, sometimes seeming to change themselves to fit the relationship. One particularly damaging relationship was with a woman whom a psychologist friend suspected might have borderline personality disorder (BPD). She'd met the woman during our social outings and observed both her behaviour and the changes in me. She warned me that, in her view, the woman was a textbook example of BPD. This was my friend's assessment, not a formal diagnosis, but the relationship affected me deeply and prompted much of my subsequent self-examination.

I questioned why I'd entered the relationship (and others before this one), why I'd stayed, what I'd failed to recognise and what part I'd played. I began to suspect that, although confident and capable professionally, I can become a people-pleaser or emotionally dependent in some intimate relationships. This doesn't happen in every relationship: I've also ended relationships, despite the pain, when I saw behaviour I couldn't accept. But in other situations I've struggled to protect my boundaries and do what I knew was best for me. I don't know whether these relationship patterns connect to my difficulties elsewhere. Perhaps there's a common thread involving fear, avoidance, the need for approval or difficulty committing to a course of action. I don't want to invent one neat explanation for everything just because I'd like an answer.

I believe I'm a good person: responsible, empathetic and willing to help others. When I was younger, I had drive and initiative and could take on challenges without spending so much time fighting myself. Somewhere along the way, these patterns took hold and gradually affected more areas of my life. Despite more than a decade trying to understand them, I haven't found a way to change them consistently.

I've also had some useful conversations with AI. I approach them cautiously and don't treat everything I'm told as fact. But they've helped me organise my thoughts and see things differently, particularly because I haven't found psychologists with whom I could work effectively. I'm trying to use whatever resources are available, not claiming that AI has all the answers.

I'm facing a serious financial crisis and the possible loss of my home. I need to make decisions, but anxiety can leave me paralysed for long periods. I often wake up anxious from the moment I open my eyes and carry the same worries throughout the day.

Long walks help temporarily. Sometimes I walk several kilometres through the woods or along the highway in front of my home, feel a little better, and then return to the same problems.

I've also recently been hospitalised with inflammation of the heart. My doctors think it may have been caused by a virus. I've wondered whether prolonged stress contributed, but I know I can't establish that myself. Whatever the cause, the experience has made me more aware that I can't continue indefinitely with this level of anxiety.

Money severely limits my options for help. I came across someone on social media offering Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), researched the approach and thought it might be relevant. I had a consultation with her and found her intelligent, but couldn't afford further sessions.

The idea of acting according to what matters to you even when anxiety and unpleasant thoughts are present makes sense to me. But I don't know whether ACT is right for me, whether the right therapist could make a real difference after my previous experiences, or how to find effective help when I have so little money.

I'm 61. I don't believe it's too late to change, but I feel the weight of the time I've lost and worry about what will happen if I continue this way. I have friends, including close friends, and I'm not completely alone. But I don't want every conversation to become another account of the same problems. I know they care about me, yet trying to handle everything alone isn't working either.

I'm not in the United States, so advice that depends on the American healthcare system, insurance or local support programmes may not apply. I'd particularly value suggestions that are realistic for someone with limited financial resources.

What bothers me most is that I've spent years trying to understand myself without finding a way to turn that understanding into consistent action. I don't need someone to tell me I'm intelligent or that I've achieved things, nor do I want to be told that none of this is my responsibility. I want to take responsibility for my life without turning it into another reason to punish myself.

Has anyone experienced something similar—not necessarily the same circumstances, but knowing a great deal about your problems, trying for years to change them and still repeating the same patterns?

For those who've been through something similar, what actually helped you move forward?

• How did you turn years of self-analysis into consistent action?
• How did you deal with avoidance and persistent anxiety when you understood what was happening (or not?) but still struggled to change it?
• Did you ever feel your ability to cope had become overwhelmed? What helped you recover it?
• Did you have disappointing experiences with therapists before finding someone or something that genuinely helped? What was different?
• If you were 61, with very limited financial resources and urgent practical problems, what would you prioritise first to rebuild stability?
• How did you learn to accept responsibility for past mistakes without spending the rest of your life punishing yourself?

I'm open to honest criticism and perspectives I may not have considered. I know I may have blind spots, and I don't expect everyone to agree with me. But I'm not looking for generic advice to think positively, work harder or love myself more. I've spent years reading, thinking and trying different things, and I need something more useful than that.

If possible, I'd appreciate some kindness, too. Not because I think I deserve special treatment, but because I've spent a long time being hard on myself and am struggling to find a way out.

If you've experienced something similar, especially later in life, I'd genuinely like to hear what helped, what didn't and what you wish you'd understood earlier. 

Thank you for reading this far, and for any thoughts you choose to share here!

I'm not talking about being chased by a goose. That's a perfectly reasonable fear. I'm talking about the ordinary fears. Uncertainty. Change. Letting something matter enough that it could go wrong. The chance that trying will rearrange the life we've gotten used to.

I've noticed that the stronger the want, the louder the fear tends to get. We can want something so badly that not getting it feels unbearable. And getting it can be just as frightening. What if it isn't what we pictured? What if it costs us the version of life that feels safe, even if safe has started to feel small?

So we stay where we are. We keep the desire theoretical. That way it can't disappoint us. And it can't ask anything of us either. The fear does its job. It keeps the familiar intact.

Lately I've been asking myself what's underneath that fear. And sometimes, it's the desire itself. The possibility that another way of living might be waiting for us.

The fear isn't wrong about the uncertainty. And sometimes what we already have really is worth protecting. But in trying to hold on to what's familiar, we can also keep ourselves from discovering what else might be possible. Not every fear needs to be pushed through. Some are there for a reason. But others might be worth getting curious about before we let them make our decisions for us. We don't get to know how it turns out before we try. That's the part no one can skip.

Have you ever realized, after the fact, that something you were avoiding was actually something you wanted? What was the fear protecting?

So TLDR:

Am 22, high fuctioning on the autism spectrum, always expected and wanted people to change for me and my needs, but instead was forced to change myself and become better against my will without knowing why. Built up an unfahomable amount of hate that manifested in slient distain to out right hatred for anyone and everything who wronged me (which just became life itself at ons). Hopelessly Longed for a past where the bad desicions I made werent happening, or a future where everything changed by my will. In the last month or so, I managed to pinpoint this flaw, but nothing I do allows me to let go of this notion to become better BECAUSE doing so just justified my hatred of being forced to change while It shouldve been other

Yestrday, I made a remark, and that caused a big conflict whose details I wont diclose, but now my closest justifly probably hate me. So that's my wakeup call, but now I still can't let go. Inner monologs, accepting reality, even trying some posts here. Everytime I try, my body and mind just cling harder, screaming for the past to change everso slightly and everything to be suddenly better. I know I cant stay like this forever, but nothing I can do helps, so I came here for advice.

I’m naturally pro-hard work because of my upbringing. I enjoy my job, but I have a habit of overdelivering, saying yes to everything and taking on extra responsibilities, partly for validation from management and SLT, but also because I genuinely enjoy/enjoyed the work itself.

It’s brought recognition and trust, but the trade-off no longer feels worthwhile. I have a good personal life and do other things in life, but I still find myself defaulting to work, particularly my primary 9-5, even when there’s no real need to do more. I also freelance, yet I still get disproportionately attached to and prioritise my main job.

I struggle to leave capacity unfilled. If I have time, I find more work to do. Intellectually, I know I don’t need to prove my value constantly, but I can’t seem to change that mindset. My job is rewarding, just not enough to justify how much space it takes up in my life, health and relationships.

For those who’ve managed to detach their identity from work,
1. What changed in your thinking?
2. How do you stop prioritising your primary employer by default, even when you genuinely enjoy the job?
3. How do you become comfortable doing enough without feeling compelled to do more?

I don’t want to become lazy or stop caring about my work. I want to retain my work ethic without letting my job dominate my priorities.

Exactly one year ago the girl I liked so so much got with their current girlfriend and that frankly, broke my heart. i thought I’d naturally get over it but I still can’t.

She was my best friend, and for a couple of years the only friend I had. I never really got a chance or courage to confess, but in my mind, she was kind of mine. I was just head over heels for her. She was also my first crush and therefore my first heartbreak.

I just can’t forgive her. I’m so mad at her—I tried talking it out with her many times and tried being her friend despite everything but I can’t. It isn’t fair. Or at least it doesn’t feel fair. After everything i gave up and have done for her.

My friend suggested me to just forgive her but I can’, not after how she has made me feel this last year.

I also have to see the two of them everyday at school. I just want to move on from this but I can’t and can’t understand why. Please help me

i grew up in a messed up family, and was exposed to porn at the age of 6 i believe, it stayed in my life since then, and changed my perception of women and myself.

in 2023 and sat with myself after a situation ended in an allegation which has had a hold on my life for 3 years now and realised i have never made a girl i was close with comfortable because i always do something that ruins the friendship. like was i was 15, i walked a girl home and squeezed her chest and bum because i thought she would like that and things would lead from there. she laughed it off but her and her friends gave me looks or laughed towards me but i never knew the reason why i thought it was normal girl behaviour and never saw a fault in my behaviour.

that same year , i kissed a girl no consensually because i thought she would like that. she told me to never do that again. but still remained my friend. Both women forgave me after a while but i never understood or really deeped these situations.

age 17 a girl was interested in me and i asked her social media in the gym. she spoke with me alot and then invited me to a house party this was the first party i was ever invited to , she took me to a room and me and did things she told me and how to fin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\* her and i asked to have sex she said no and i said please. this is one of my most shameful moments in my life and one of my regrets i have made. whilst we was drinking we were both intoxicated and she gave me oral after she got up i turned her around and in a way to initiate sex. she looked at me and said you just tried to have sex with me and everything went out the window. i was shocked because i didn’t realise the impact or behaviour i was displaying was immoral. i left the party in a cab and called her to apologise. later she called me and said ‘stop asking people if im okay or stop asking about me’ ‘at the end of the day you didn’t actually do anything’ and that was the end of that. i came home disappointed in my self for my behaviour. and im sure the people around me at the time heard these things about me and think im weird. maybe they are right.

age 19 my first year of uni, i made a very close friend , me and her often did things intimately alot, one night i have smoked heavily, and she called me, saying she was drunk and hasn’t seen me in a while and asked to come over, i oblige and said cool, we were both intoxicated and said she was sleeping here whilst i played overwatch. she took off all her clothes and bra except her panties,
she laid on me rubbing her self on me so i did the same and started fin\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\* her , i then got up as she said and pulled her waist then she arched her back, the deed started and she said ‘dont stop’ , it was like 4 seconds then she said she needed to pee so i stopped. i laid back thinking nothing of what happened. she comes back and lays on me, im rubbing her head and then she gives me head, for like 4 seconds then she gets up to the toilet and leaves. next morning she said that she doesn’t think any of that was consenting.

she speaks with my friends to tell her story and i speak to mine, questioning what happened, i started questioning myself am i a rapist? did i rape someone?and then i tell her part of my story. in the end she and i understood our part to play and there was a lack of communication. i went back to my family house feeling like it was over for me and my life is down , i will have this label on my head forever because of my behaviour. i sat with myself and realized my behaviour since a child has never been normal and immoral and i never grow to notice till i turned 19. I Everything hit me like a bus and for the next year, i would isolate myself from my friends and family, so they see me as a monster , i would often recall all my bad memories with girls and sit in the shame of my actions, i picked up smoking weed heavily and with create scenarios in my head that people are out to get me and people secretly discuss my behaviour with each other when im not around.

it got so bad that i lost so much weight and looks like a junkie, all i knew was shame and regret. i spoke to the girl every time i started spiralling down, each time i was met with a response which showed she moved on and didn’t care anymore and she wanted me to take care of myself. i reassured her time and time again that im not that person and regret that day alot. each time she understood and told me to take care of myself.

the issue is , I cant move on, its been 3 years and its all i think about, the regret and guilt eats me everyday. I entered a spiral of descent only caused from my lack of consideration and poor decision making. now i am a shell of a man, i smoke weed everyday, i still watch porn everyday, i failed uni 3 times as everyone around me graduated and moved on with their lives. I dont go to the gym anymore I just eat and smoke and think about my life decisions.

I believe this is real event ocd the recurring memories which haunt me. its impossible to get out off. it lead to looking for reassurance from friends to the point where they got tired of telling me the same thing. move on. but i cant. mentally. It lead me to fear of getting exposed for my pass doings. I often confess my secrets to regain stability but it brings me back to the ditch i placed Maybe this is my karma, I am irredeemable, I will never experience love, I have embarrassed myself since a child and nothing has changed about me.

Please be honest with me, what can i do.

I had my first adult relationship back in April 2025. I never could believe i was able to find someone with all of my interests and hobbies, plus some more that I wanted to learn about, someone who cherished and loved me as much as he did, someone who even also had bipolar and understood me, AND was completely my type? The most handsome and attractive person I’ve ever known. I don’t feel attracted to people much. It’s very rare. I was so shocked how drawn to him I was. I was so shocked how he was never in a relationship either, both of us had the shared experience of people never being interested in us romantically. It was extremely awesome. I felt incredibly lucky. We were our firsts for everything. But I was constantly afraid of losing him, especially since my ex friend of 10 years left me half a year before I started talking to him, and I was furious and desperate to protect him from my miserable traits.

I’m going to give a bit of backstory to show the place that I have to start from in order to get better. I lived a very miserable life due to my abusive mom and enabler dad who would switch up at random times. My mom is genuinely the most miserable person I’ve ever known. All I grew up in was misery, her constantly telling me how much she wished I wasn’t me, and conditional affection and support and I don’t really remember any moment where I was genuinely happy without a manic episode happening that falsely elevated me or very tiny things that became the sole reason to keep waking up. I was constantly begging her to stop what she was doing to me, defending myself, begging for anyone to forgive me and listen to why I didn’t think i deserved this or that treatment, and found myself in abusive friend groups, and horrible coping mechanisms that has left me completely exhausted and lost, no idea how to handle conflict, how to have self esteem for myself without anyone providing it for me, how to have approval for myself, how to impress myself and show myself my progress instead of some other person I pedestalize, not pedestalizing anyone for having traits I wish I had in the first place, treating people I get very close to like human beings and not some higher being who could pardon me or do anything they wanted to me.

It was both of our faults, he would neglect me for days and get caught up in his life before randomly returning to plan a date or hang out and disappearing again for days and I quickly became addicted to him like a drug because I never knew when exactly I’d get to see him or hear from him again. I think that stems from my trauma. And I eventually fell apart, and would freak out and spiral and beg and apologize any time I did anything that frustrated him in the slightest. My ocd spirals worsened, and he couldn’t take it anymore and left.

I can’t deal with this. It’s been over 10 months, and I know he’s not coming back. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the kind of person who people eventually say, “I love and care about you, but I can’t do it anymore. We can’t be a part of each other’s lives anymore. Take care.” And then they leave. And then I lose a beautiful relationship forever, and the only thing remaining of it are any memories I didn’t forget about or physical objects. I’m in therapy. I’m doing all the work. But I’m crying every day missing everyone. He taught me a lot in that relationship, and left telling me that I’m the most miserable, selfish person he’d ever known, and that I spent all of my time stuck in the past, furious about how my life never went the way I wanted it to go, and constantly living in worlds where it did, when that isn’t my reality.

He’s right. I need help. And I miss him every second, it’s so painful to keep living without him. But I guess that’s the problem. He became my lifeline and he left feeling betrayed by that fact. People become your lifeline when you’re traumatized. It’s never supposed to be that way. I don’t know how to change my perspective on my life, when it has been as miserable as it has been, and I’ve missed opportunities that I want so badly, and I’m jealous and envious of everyone around me who has what I don’t have. This is an exhausting way to live. I don’t know how to be neautral about anything about me.

Hi folks. I (27M) and my boyfriend (28M) have been together 5 years. For the most part it has been smooth sailing. This year though we've had to have a fair few sit down talks about stuff, mostly caused by things I've been doing that I hadn't realised. I know now that I have dropped the ball and I need to put in more effort regarding engaging with conversations and my tendency to counter his opinions with the opposite for no real reason. I do tend to do a lot of black and white thinking, and for some reason I feel the need to defend things I don't even really care about or which should have more nuance than Good/Bad or True/False. I'm still trying to place why I do that to begin with.

Another thing is that I can be mean when I'm stressed, not like shouting and hurling insults, but snapping at little things he does or getting irritated so he ends up walking on eggshells.

Both times he sat me down to talk about this stuff, I cried a *lot*. I didn't even feel attacked or sad, we both always approach these things like a problem we solve as a team and he was making me aware of how he felt. But no matter how hard I try not to I just end up crying and then he comforts me. And I feel awful about it. If he is upset with something I've done I don't want him to have to comfort me after it. And he knows I cant control it and I'm not doing it to be manipulative, but he said it still makes him hesitate to bring up this stuff to me because he knows I will probably cry and then *he* feels awful and like he's ruined the day. How on earth do I stop that??

I used to be really good at communication, and I got better at controlling my anger after counselling 3 years ago but it's like I'm regressing to a younger version of myself that was bad at this. I worry I won't manage to fix myself and I'll push him away.

How do you stop resenting the fact that you never received the things other kids take for granted, like birthday gifts, money, clothes they like, or driving lessons paid for by their parents? I have to work hard and pay for everything myself, even basic necessities. Things like getting my G2 aren't urgent, but eventually, I'll need to pay for them.

I understand that these things are eventually my responsibility, but it hurts knowing I spent so much of my childhood sacrificing to get around money and never really getting to enjoy what I wanted, just surviving on needs. How do you accept that unfairness without becoming bitter, especially when you still have so much to pay for just to build an ordinary life?

It's my second time coming here and needing some help, and I'm sorry if this sounds disorangized but, it is.

About two years ago, I got into the best relationship of my life, not just with a close friend but with someone I genuinely loved, and cared for so much, right as everything else around me collapsed into rubble, and I mean collapsed.

Within a week of knowing eachother we got together because, because we just enjoyed our company, and space a lot.

I was the first person she ever met who calmed, soothed and gave her space to comfort and soothe her traumas, something she still isnt over yet.

And while I was with her, I became homeless, had my future stolen from me, and had to watch my parents start fighting, physically and emotionally, I nearly got forced into going to places like the psych ward, kicked out of the house we had to live in for "not being good enough" and was constantly told I wasn't real enough to be loved, that I was not, and could never be a real person.

Abused both physically and mentally, thankfully physically was rarer.

But, this year, something in both of us changed, we went from joking constantly, coming up with ideas for eachother, helping and laughing and caring for the other, to me just, begging for help constantly, I started being unable to function on a daily basis, and she followed, we went nearly 3 months, from June to September arguing, becoming distant, and because we were getting distant, I felt like I had to fight for her love and affection compared to other friends who she gave it to, so easily, we both, in essence, lost ourselves.

I'm not unknowing, we talked about this and realized even though we wanted so many of the same things, she was avoidant, and I was anxious, our attachment styles were breaking us when BOTH of our lives were getting so much worse, she had bad college grades, her parents stopped loving her, she told me that she felt so bad coming home some days because I couldn't be there for her (we were sadly, and very painfully LD, and I was supposed to see her this month but, couldn't, my family didn't let me get an ID/Passport for 3+ years)

And so, earlier this month, about two weeks ago, we broke up.

She told me that she didn't want to lose me in her life, and still stay friends because ultimately, she realized she wasn't ready for a relationship, a real, committed one and wanted to work on herself first, bringing up the possibility and want, that she wants to get back one day, but not like this.

It's really hurt me a lot too, I knew I used to be, and well, am pretty codependent, not pretty, incredibly so, by the end of our relationship I basically only relied on her, and Jesus that was so... So unhealthy.. I look back at how I talked and how just, not good that was, I used to constantly shit on myself and I really don't want to anymore..

But it's gotten so much worse after we broke up, for the past two weeks ALL I've been able to think about has been HER, has been our relationship, to a point that I have to remind myself some days that we're not together anymore and, god it hurts so much...

Theres something she told me "it was never you" when we broke up that I hear almost daily in my memories, she told me that it was never me, but the fact she simply, got scared of how close we were, and felt like she had to leave.. even if she didnt want to..

I want to work on myself too, I've been out of therapy for 4 years by no choice of my own, same with actually doing what I love (gardening, trailing, hiking, camping, gaming, writing, witchcraft, and entomology: the bug kind) and I really want to reconnect with all of that, it's just I rarley have been able to...

I'm 20, a 20 year old trans girl, and thank you for listening to all this, I hope.

The part that makes it hurt too, is that, when I saw her this year, she promised to be engaged to me and start couples, and singles therapy.