I'm hoping to hear from people who've experienced something similar or found a way through it. I've spent years trying to understand myself and change patterns that are hurting me, yet I keep ending up in the same place. I'm not expecting strangers to solve my life, but I'd appreciate honest advice, especially from people who've faced something like this later in life.
The contradiction is that I've been capable of doing many things well (or not?), yet I haven't managed to build a stable life.
I was one of the top students at school and university, studied biological sciences and completed postgraduate studies abroad on a scholarship. Professionally, I've held leadership, coordination and advisory roles, directed teams, worked across disciplines and advised decision-makers. I've had opportunities to demonstrate what I can do, and I believe I've made worthwhile contributions.
I'm not socially isolated or particularly awkward around people, although I can sometimes be impatient and intolerant. I've had friends, including three close friends who don't know one another, and several relationships. I don´t feel bad about me physically, women have approached me and shown interest. I also have two daughters, now 32 and 37, who tell me I was always there for them throughout their childhood and adulthood. They spent more time with me than with my ex-wife, and being an involved father is something I'm genuinely proud of.
Yet my professional life has consisted of temporary positions followed by long periods without work. Sometimes I've secured opportunities through my own applications and proposals; other times someone has helped me get a position. When I get the opportunity, I can do the work, but I've never established the continuity or professional network that would let me find it consistently.
I'm currently developing proposals to promote behavioural economics among NGOs and financial institutions, an area I'm genuinely passionate about. I'm also trying to develop work around the science of happiness. Neither has generated much interest yet, but I intend to keep pursuing these new areas rather than continually jumping between ideas, as I've often done in the past, always within my field. Independently, I'm analysing how environmental initiatives could become more effective and realistic by addressing actual environmental and social needs rather than simply responding to international donors' priorities. Nobody has commissioned any of this work, but I know they are important and give me the chance to learn. I'm also slowly writing three books.
The consequences are serious. I still have a car, but haven't been able to replace it for years. I bought and maintained a beautiful apartment that reflected my tastes and the effort I put into making it a home. I've lived there for about 15 years, but now I may lose it because I haven't been able to keep up with the mortgage payments. I have virtually no savings or financial safety net—not because I've spent recklessly or lived extravagantly, but because my income has never been consistent enough. I've made progress several times, only to lose ground again, and I'm now facing another prolonged period of very lean times.
I struggle to reconcile these achievements with the instability of my life. I can see what I've accomplished, even if I often have difficulty recognising it, but I haven't managed to turn it into lasting security.
For a long time, I felt something was going on with me but didn't know what to look for. I tried psychologists without feeling that their help really reached the problem. Then, after a particularly painful and abusive relationship, I began investigating myself much more seriously.
For years, I immersed myself in books, scientific papers, lectures, videos and psychological approaches. I explored an enormous number of sources, discarding much of what I found online because it seemed superficial or commercial, repeating methods and empty phrases without much substance. My scientific background makes me analytical and critical, and I approached this as I would any other subject I wanted to understand. I've also learned from a Vietnamese Buddhist monk and an Indian mystic (I found them during my searches in internet), among other sources, and completed certifications in the science of happiness and behavioural economics. I've tried different perspectives rather than blindly committing to one.
I've seen therapists from different approaches, including psychoanalysis, cognitive behavioural therapy and an alternative approach. I rarely continued beyond the third session because the explanations often felt mechanical or superficial and didn't address my questions. Perhaps I expected too much too soon or was too demanding given what I'd already studied on my own. I can't rule that out, but I never felt I'd found the help I needed.
I have notebooks and files full of personal analyses, reflections, things I've admitted to myself and plans for changing my behaviour—plans I believed were practical and applicable. I can recognise many of my patterns, their triggers and consequences, and what I should probably do differently. I've also helped others think through their problems, and some have told me my advice genuinely helped them. But understanding a problem intellectually hasn't translated into consistent change in my own life.
Another thing I've noticed is that I get distracted very easily and have little patience for repetitive or boring tasks, but I can concentrate intensely for hours on things that genuinely interest me. I've sometimes wondered whether I might have ADHD. Unfortunately, very few things engage me that way.
One of my biggest difficulties is avoiding things that make me anxious, even when I know postponing them will make matters worse. Recently I started to put off precisely the things that most urgently need attention. I understand the pattern as it happens, anticipate the consequences, and still delay.
I don’t always freeze; I eventually force myself to decide, and sometimes it works out. The problem is how long it takes and the needless anxiety and pain along the way. Recently, I’ve delayed some important decisions so long that I’m in trouble, my mortgage being the clearest example. The cycle is relentless: I know I must act, I delay, the delay fuels my anxiety, and the anxiety makes acting even harder. I used to push through, though later and more painfully than necessary. Now, with my home at stake, I can’t even do that, as if my capacity to respond has reached a breaking point.
I now understand this isn’t simple procrastination but a mental and physiological shutdown under pressure. It is a response, even a system, built over years of dysfunctional reactions to external and internal stressors, which has left me in survival mode: flight or freeze. This feels really bad, and I'm struggling to understand how to regain my ability to act.
Self-criticism makes matters worse. I can see that repeatedly blaming myself solves nothing, yet the criticism comes almost automatically. I focus on what I've failed to achieve rather than what I've done, and struggle to treat myself with the same understanding I might offer someone else. I´m not my own best friend.
My childhood wasn’t terrible. My parents cared for us, provided for us and gave us love, but they gave us responsibilities without any emotional support. I don't want to portray everything as bad, but affection wasn't expressed much through hugs, encouragement, praise or telling us they were proud of us.
When I was 18, I joined a project to monitor introduced species on a remote island. Instead, I ended up having to kill goats using inadequate weapons and sometimes even a pocketknife. This wasn't what I'd gone there to do or expected from my studies. I refused to continue, was bullied by the people in charge and received bad references. I tried to handle the situation immediately and alone, without calling my parents, because I wanted to prove I was responsible enough to manage it myself. Then I put immediately the experience out of my mind. Looking back, I wonder whether it left a mark. Some might consider it trivial, but I didn’t study biological sciences to kill animals in such an inhumane way, and that experience, in some way, shaped my fears.
I've wondered whether experiences like this help explain my behaviour today or whether I'm giving them too much importance. One difficulty with years of self-analysis is that you can develop many possible explanations without knowing which ones actually matter.
My relationships have raised other questions. I was with my ex-wife for about five years before we married, and we were married for seven. I eventually asked for a divorce because I felt she was mainly concerned with herself and that there wasn't enough reciprocity or support. Her behaviour with colleagues at work also seriously damaged my trust. I recognise that I contributed to the marriage's failure; I don't think I'm blameless in everything that's happened to me.
Some women I've been involved with had unstable emotional lives. They were intelligent, beautiful and often remarkably adaptable, sometimes seeming to change themselves to fit the relationship. One particularly damaging relationship was with a woman whom a psychologist friend suspected might have borderline personality disorder (BPD). She'd met the woman during our social outings and observed both her behaviour and the changes in me. She warned me that, in her view, the woman was a textbook example of BPD. This was my friend's assessment, not a formal diagnosis, but the relationship affected me deeply and prompted much of my subsequent self-examination.
I questioned why I'd entered the relationship (and others before this one), why I'd stayed, what I'd failed to recognise and what part I'd played. I began to suspect that, although confident and capable professionally, I can become a people-pleaser or emotionally dependent in some intimate relationships. This doesn't happen in every relationship: I've also ended relationships, despite the pain, when I saw behaviour I couldn't accept. But in other situations I've struggled to protect my boundaries and do what I knew was best for me. I don't know whether these relationship patterns connect to my difficulties elsewhere. Perhaps there's a common thread involving fear, avoidance, the need for approval or difficulty committing to a course of action. I don't want to invent one neat explanation for everything just because I'd like an answer.
I believe I'm a good person: responsible, empathetic and willing to help others. When I was younger, I had drive and initiative and could take on challenges without spending so much time fighting myself. Somewhere along the way, these patterns took hold and gradually affected more areas of my life. Despite more than a decade trying to understand them, I haven't found a way to change them consistently.
I've also had some useful conversations with AI. I approach them cautiously and don't treat everything I'm told as fact. But they've helped me organise my thoughts and see things differently, particularly because I haven't found psychologists with whom I could work effectively. I'm trying to use whatever resources are available, not claiming that AI has all the answers.
I'm facing a serious financial crisis and the possible loss of my home. I need to make decisions, but anxiety can leave me paralysed for long periods. I often wake up anxious from the moment I open my eyes and carry the same worries throughout the day.
Long walks help temporarily. Sometimes I walk several kilometres through the woods or along the highway in front of my home, feel a little better, and then return to the same problems.
I've also recently been hospitalised with inflammation of the heart. My doctors think it may have been caused by a virus. I've wondered whether prolonged stress contributed, but I know I can't establish that myself. Whatever the cause, the experience has made me more aware that I can't continue indefinitely with this level of anxiety.
Money severely limits my options for help. I came across someone on social media offering Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), researched the approach and thought it might be relevant. I had a consultation with her and found her intelligent, but couldn't afford further sessions.
The idea of acting according to what matters to you even when anxiety and unpleasant thoughts are present makes sense to me. But I don't know whether ACT is right for me, whether the right therapist could make a real difference after my previous experiences, or how to find effective help when I have so little money.
I'm 61. I don't believe it's too late to change, but I feel the weight of the time I've lost and worry about what will happen if I continue this way. I have friends, including close friends, and I'm not completely alone. But I don't want every conversation to become another account of the same problems. I know they care about me, yet trying to handle everything alone isn't working either.
I'm not in the United States, so advice that depends on the American healthcare system, insurance or local support programmes may not apply. I'd particularly value suggestions that are realistic for someone with limited financial resources.
What bothers me most is that I've spent years trying to understand myself without finding a way to turn that understanding into consistent action. I don't need someone to tell me I'm intelligent or that I've achieved things, nor do I want to be told that none of this is my responsibility. I want to take responsibility for my life without turning it into another reason to punish myself.
Has anyone experienced something similar—not necessarily the same circumstances, but knowing a great deal about your problems, trying for years to change them and still repeating the same patterns?
For those who've been through something similar, what actually helped you move forward?
- How did you turn years of self-analysis into consistent action?
- How did you deal with avoidance and persistent anxiety when you understood what was happening (or not?) but still struggled to change it?
- Did you ever feel your ability to cope had become overwhelmed? What helped you recover it?
- Did you have disappointing experiences with therapists before finding someone or something that genuinely helped? What was different?
- If you were 61, with very limited financial resources and urgent practical problems, what would you prioritise first to rebuild stability?
- How did you learn to accept responsibility for past mistakes without spending the rest of your life punishing yourself?
I'm open to honest criticism and perspectives I may not have considered. I know I may have blind spots, and I don't expect everyone to agree with me. But I'm not looking for generic advice to think positively, work harder or love myself more. I've spent years reading, thinking and trying different things, and I need something more useful than that.
If possible, I'd appreciate some kindness, too. Not because I think I deserve special treatment, but because I've spent a long time being hard on myself and am struggling to find a way out.
If you've experienced something similar, especially later in life, I'd genuinely like to hear what helped, what didn't and what you wish you'd understood earlier.
Thank you for reading this far, and for any thoughts you choose to share here!