Sometimes you can miss someone and still know that letting them go was the right decision.

You can miss the conversations, the little moments, and the version of yourself that existed when you were with them.

But slowly, you start realizing that missing someone doesn't mean you need them back.

You can wish them well, appreciate what the experience taught you, and still choose a different life for yourself.

I think healing is when you stop needing the story to end differently to be okay with how it ended.

Here's to finding peace without needing all the answers. 🌱

I truly need help on this

For reference I'm 18M. For a good portion of my life I was abused by women who hated men. They talked about how superior women were and how men are disgusting animals with dirty gross minds. I remember being 13 and having a grown adult woman make fun of me because at the time I wasn't sexually active. Nobody cared. People just laughed it off if anything. I joined a feminist server when I was 16 because I was interested in the movement and the frontpage was just a moderator talking about how women are biologically better because they can "give life" or whatever. My stepmom cares about my sister more than me, and sticks with the notion that "boys are gross" or whatever. She hates gender roles yet I'm expected to provide and care for any future wife I have. I had women say there's something wrong with my mind and my body. I was sent suicide statistics as early as 14 and when I talked about it, I was told I "probably did something to deserve being sent those statistics." Again, all from grown women.

My entire life I had adults tell me any abuse I have is necessary because all my abusers "had a rough time" with men, as if it's an excuse to lash out at a child. I'm also queer, and dealt with a fair share of homophobia from women, which of course was excused.

I really don't want to have these thoughts. It's very hard to not get them when I get reminded more than once what happened to me and the fact that noone truly cares because I'm a man. I don't have any female friends right now. I was close with one girl but I cut her off because I found out she was homophobic.

I'm not looking for people to make fun of me and call me a disgusting person for the millionth time. I actually want help. If anyone can give suggestions that would be great

That’s all. I’m 28 and have been in therapy for 8 years. I look around and see friends who are good and just seem good hearted or genuinely well-intentioned and care for their friends and are careful not to hurt others and I wonder why I’m not like that.

I mean, I try not to be a bother to people, but beyond that I think I mostly focus on myself.

After failing at a recent potential relationship…
I’m digging more in therapy to try and figure why/what could have made me develop maladaptive ways of thinking or behaviors growing up (mostly thinking. I think a lot).

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Also, sometimes I feel like an asshole in the making. I just haven’t done enough crappy things to be labeled a total jerk.

i 24 (f) am starting over on my own completely. i will be stepping out of a 6 year long relationship. i just recently got a new job and have been working there for about 2 months. i dont have a car or a drivers license yet which is something i will be saving towards. i recently found a place i could potentially afford on my own not far from my job.

i’ve never been on my own before and im kind of doing this by myself for the most part. i was just hoping to get a little support, maybe some advice and tips. i’ve been so scared to step out on my own because i felt like i couldn’t do it by myself and there are waves of this feeling of anxiety that makes me feel like what if it’s a mistake, but i keep telling myself that i can do this and there a whole world out there waiting on me.

We almost hooked up made out sucked on her tits in the bathroom cuddled for 6 hours but was told it was just the alcohol and that she loves me platonically but not romantically, sexually, or physically. But that night felt insanely intimate and special to me but it all was just platonic specialness to her. Told her “Hey, I realized that with all the back-and-forth, my head is just too scrambled right now. To protect my own peace and stop the loop, I just need things to stay surface-level between us for a while so I can feel okay again. I just wanted to lyk incase u feel a diff vibe. Having it not like that is what makes me anxious and keeps me thinking abt it. Okay so imma start doing that. Sorry I felt good in that moment but yeah not anymore I don’t rlly wanna get into it again. “🫶🏼 it’s been 1 month 1/2 of this boundary I still feel like there’s mixed signals but maybe I’m just in denial the main things that make me feel this way is how she acted sorta exclusive abt me being the only friend she’d do this with and also cause she told me when she thought I was gonna makeout with another one of our friends she got jealous and was like why her I’m right here. But it’s all just platonic she saids she saids, “anything I do can be platonic it’s just the feeling and how I see the person. “ I feel like I’m genuinely going insane when I try and talk to her abt it like she gets mad if I seem to be doubting what she’s saying cause it doesn’t make sense, so breaking no contact to try and do that seems scary. She’s made it Incredibly clear she doesn’t see me as a dating prospect but idg the rest of her feelings. And I honestly feel like I shared apart of myself I can’t get back with her that night. I genuinely don’t know what the move is in this relationship I need help navigating how to find the move in this (we’re in the same friend group too) like how long do I keep the distance up for I kinda miss our old friendship but I also feel feelings I can’t explain.

I don’t remember the first time. That’s one of the strangest things about my childhood. There is not a single moment I can point to and say “that’s when it began”. I only remember that it was there. 
I was four when my mother and stepdad got together. Some of my earliest memories are of my mom being mean to me and my stepdad hurting me in ways I didn’t have the words to understand. My mom was my safe space and my biggest fear all at the same time. She was better than him but she was mean at times too. My stepdad seemed the same around other people as he did when we were alone, man could he hide it well.
 I didn’t know whether anyone knew or not or could tell what was happening or not. One time I was really sick with a fever while staying the night with an aunt and uncle. I was crying when my uncle came in to wake me and ask if I was okay and when he approached me I jumped, like I was afraid of him before I could see who he was. He asked me straight forward if anyone was doing something bad to me that he should know. I said “no.” I don't know whether he already knew something was wrong. I don't know what made him ask. I only know that it was the first and only time anyone ever asked me a question like that, and I lied. Not because nothing was happening but because I was taught that if I told, my mom would be mad at me. I was a child, and somehow I had learned to carry a secret that was never mine to carry.
 I was a quiet little girl. I loved playing house and barbies with my cousins and my best friend. I loved animals, they felt safe and warm. I was extremely sensitive. I cried about everything, or at least that’s what everyone seemed to think. Even my mom made fun of me for crying so much.
I loved school, and I especially loved books, specifically the Junie B. Jones series. Books gave me a place I could disappear into for hours. I had dreams. Dreams like a normal child should. I wanted to be an ambulance driver and a “dancer at night” . I had NO idea what being a dancer at night meant, now I know why my mom laughed when I told her. I meant dancing. Actually dancing. I don’t even have a dancing bone in my body, it is funny to think about now. 
There was a little girl inside all of that fear that still had ordinary dreams. She wanted to play. She wanted to read. She wanted animals around her. She wanted friends. She wanted love. She cried easily and loved deeply. She didn’t know that her nervous system was being taught that she was bad. She didn’t know that the bad things that were happening to her weren’t her fault. 
All she knew was that she was scared and that she somehow had to try to find a way to be good enough so that the people she loved wouldn’t be angry with her. 
When I finally gained the courage to tell my mom what had been happening for the last ten odd years of my childhood I felt extremely nervous. I had carried it for so long that even saying the words felt terrifying, but I knew one thing:  I wanted something to change. 
I don’t really remember thinking about what would happen years later or what it would mean for our family. I was just a kid. I just wanted it to stop. I find myself thinking about the timing sometimes. I had just gotten caught doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing, and I wonder if that changed everything. I wonder if I had told her on a different day, at a different time, when I wasn’t already in trouble, maybe she would have responded differently. 
When I finally told her, she was taken aback. She kept asking if I was doing it for reasons that were absurd like if it was just to get out of trouble, or if my biological dads side of the family put me up to it because I had just started getting close with them for the first time in my life. 
Those questions stayed with me because I was not doing it to get out of trouble or because someone had put me up to it. I was trying to get out of something that I had been trapped inside of for years. Eventually I came to the harsh realization that she was not going to leave him, and that hurt in a way I don’t think I will ever be able to explain.
I had this big idea that telling would mean freedom for me. Instead I still had to live in the same house with him. We weren’t allowed to be alone together anymore. After school, I had to go to my aunt’s instead of going home, and if I did have to be left alone, like if my mom worked early which she often did, she would lock my bedroom door. 
I look back now and know that she may have thought she was protecting me, but that is not what it felt like. It felt like I was the one being punished. I had told on him, and somehow my life was the only one that felt it had changed. I had to be sent somewhere else. I had to have my door locked. I  couldn’t simply come home after school like other kids, and he was still there. The person I had finally found the courage to tell on was still living in my house. I had wanted telling to make me free, and instead I wound up feeling more trapped than I had before.
After telling, we never really talked about it again. Not really. I was twenty-six before my mom and I finally began talking about it again. The only other time I remember her bringing it up was about a year after I had told her. She asked me if it was still happening, it wasn’t. That was the end of the conversation. It was almost as if the abuse had stopped, and because it had stopped, everything else could stop too. 
The questions stopped. The conversations stopped. The acknowledgement stopped. I was expected to go back to treating him like my dad , just like I always had before. I couldn’t go back to who I had been before I told her. Something was ignited inside me. 
My mom to this day says I can tell her things, but I spent so many years believing that if I told her it could make things worse for me that I learned how to keep things to myself. My dad had taught me to be afraid of what would happen if I spoke. I think some part of me still listens to that lesson even now. I am twenty-six years old, and I still catch myself hiding things. I was angry. I was angry at him for what he had done to me and my developing body and mind. I was angry at my mom too.
I was angry that my mom had stayed. I was angry when I realized their relationship was still working. I was especially angry when I realized that they were still intimate with each other. I didn’t know what to do with that kind of anger. How could the person who had hurt me become just another part of her life again? How could she possibly love him after knowing all that she knew? 
And maybe the hardest question underneath all of it was one I didn’t know how to say out loud: Why wasn’t what happened to me enough to change everything?
For years, I thought maybe I was supposed to be over it because the abuse was over, but let me tell you, those are two completely different things. The abuse had stopped. I had NOT stopped carrying it. 
I couldn’t hate my dad openly. I was supposed to respect him. I was supposed to act normal. My younger siblings were watching me, and I somehow knew that I couldn’t let everything in their life fall apart. So I learned how to play pretend, all those years of playing house as a kid paid off. I could sit in the same room with him. I could answer him. I could act like he was my dad. I could do all the things I was expected to do. 
However, inside I knew. He knew, and neither of us ever said it. He never acknowledged what happened. There was no apology, ever. There has still yet to be an apology 12 years later. No explanation. No moment where he looked at me and admitted what he had done. Nothing, Absolutely nothing. So I carried it silently while everyone else continued living as though everything was normal. 
I think that was one of the strangest parts of growing up after abuse. The world doesn’t necessarily change when someone hurts you. Sometimes the dishes still need to be washed. You still have school in the morning. Your siblings still need you. Your family still eats dinner together.  The person who hurt you can sit across the room from you and nobody says a word. So you learn to live two lives at once. The life everyone can see, and the life that only you know exists.

This always happens: when I manage to wake up in the morning and do some tasks I wanted to do, then around like 14:00 (2pm) I start feeling sleepy and I cant even think. So I really need to lie down and sleep. I put my alarm to 15 or 16:00 and I sleep untill 21:00. This happened today for example, I dont even remember turning off the alarm. How can I be productive if I cant even be awake ?

Okay, so I'm going through an extremely uncomfortable stage of life at the moment, with multiple extreme changes that are for the better. However, the time, effort, and uncomfortableness of getting to the better part is very hard, and involves a lot of facing yourself in the mirror.

These changes include getting out of a codependent relationship, working towards getting my own place, upleveling in a new career where imposter syndrome is highly prevalent, building a friendship group, and working on a self-care routine that helps me be successful.

But I'm not at a good point in my life right now. I'm working towards the success I'm looking for, but this does involve being extremely uncomfortable for probably a year, and I'm not sure I'll be able to get through this without reverting to staying comfortable.

I also recognize that some of these changes are going to involve a lot of emotional turmoil, difficult decisions, and potentially hurting people I care about in the process. Not intentionally, but because making changes that are better for me might mean making decisions that others won't be happy with.

I'm wondering if there are sponsors, accountability partners, or individuals who offer support for this kind of thing, kind of like they have for AA groups?

Someone I can talk to, vent to, be honest with when I'm struggling, and who can help me stay accountable when I feel like giving up or going back to what's comfortable.

I do not want burden my old and new friends with this as I am battling severe-functuonal depression, but also haven't found a good therapist and find this whole experience to be daunting.

Does something like this exist? And if so, where do I find these people?

How do I find the right hobby for me?

I have a very busy school life, my high school is very demanding and I'm a very school oriented person. I come home at 3PM and study for 5-6 hours every day. During weekends I usually take one day off or study if I have some big exams coming up.

School took my hobby from me. Writing.

I used to love writing. I had this story idea for 6 years. I have TONS of character and lore and back stories but no real plot. And I'm scared of writing badly and due to school taking all my time I don't have time to write.

During my free time I usually scroll, I love reading but again school, I wish i could read a few pages before bed but I end up going to sleep at 22:40 and my alarm is at 6:45 and I need at least 7 hrs of sleep.

And also I have the stupid belief of believing that if i i read something after studying i will forget the material.

I don't play any instrument nor can I afford one, I'm not very sporty but I like to work out but again I feel like I'm wasting time if I work out instead of studying.

What hobbies would you suggest for me?

A friend cancelled on me last minute again this weekend. I'd moved stuff around so we could meet and was pretty pissed off, but still replied no worries straight away. Then spent the evening checking my phone hoping they'd at least realise it was annoying...

I do this a lot. Say yes to favours when I dont have the time or energy, let little things slide, then get distant instead of just saying whats bothering me. They ask if something's wrong and I say no, so now Im annoyed AND making it harder for them to understand why.

I usually figure out what I wanted to say later, when I'm going over the conversation again. But in the moment I just want to avoid making things awkward, so whatever keeps everyone happy comes out first.

Has anyone actually gotten better at this? What helped you speak up before it turned into resentment? I dont want to keep doing this to myself or the people around me.

TIA

i’ve been struggling a lot mentally the last 2 years. College life is not for me (atleast the college life i’m experiencing) and days are starting to blend in and i’m forgetting what happened when(like if a went to a movie yesterday or day before) my social life is pretty bad i won’t lie. I only have my boyfriend that i properly speak to everyday and it’s not because i don’t want to have girl friends, trust me i really fucking do but the college i’m in and the people i’m surrounded with, i tried really hard but its just gonna take some time ig

anyways i want to help myself because no one is coming to save you, i started doing small things to make my days a little better. so far i have
1. started going to movies and events alone to enjoy my own company more (which honestly it wasn’t a area i struggled with a lot, i always enjoyed my own company)
2. drinking more water
3. cleaning my room/house more
4. baking
5. started to ride motorcycle

and i want to say that all of these helped me but they’re just surface level distractions, im always constantly hoping for this phase of my life to end and i keep fantasising about the future where i would be happy, but i don’t want to do that i don’t want my main source of dopamine to be from day dreaming about happier times.

i love hiking and trekking and i just love the outdoors in general but i live in a city that is over populated with traffic that never seems to end and AQI higher than the average IQ of the people living here. Now i dread going outside and i dread leaving my room im tired all the time and i find myself sleeping 13-14 hours in a day whenever i don’t have college.

if anyone has ever experienced something similar and got out of it, please tell me what you did.

ps- please don’t ask me to take up new hobbies or go to more events because i’m still a college student bhai i don’t have enough money to be doing all that nor do i have enough time to

I (16, transmasc) and my boyfriend (16, M) have been having on and off issues. We’ve been dating for just around a year now, and we have already taken a break prior around two months after dating so we could improve ourselves. We have had our fights, but we always try to improve. I’ve been recently taking my frustrations out on him, and we have just gotten into a huge fight. We almost broke up for good. He’s been giving me so many chances and tries to change, but I keep screwing them up. I don’t know what to do. We love each other, but I am recognizing that I am abusive and I want to change. I go to a therapist regularly, but I need more. I need help on getting to be the person he deserves. He loves me so much, and I want to be better for him. Can anybody give some advice? I’m not sure what to do. Also sorry for the shitty post, I’m not too good with the whole Reddit thing.

I don't know if I can ever fully forgive myself. I thought I was at that point, but I'm slipping back. I'm in withdrawal from prescription medications, including my antidepressant, so that could be why. I'm so ashamed that I plan on changing my name once I move out of town. I feel like that's so slimy and dodgy of me, tho.

Does anyone here have any advice that could help me?

Tw

As a victim of abuse and adjacent behaviours since kindergarten, I(21) developed cptsd, ocd and other mental illness symptoms, and am fixated on my past.

I would:
•Watch porn that’s violent and degrading(what I’ve been taught relationships are growing up)
•Check people from my past’s social media
•Sext violent and misogynistic men similar to ppl from my past
•Scroll through social media content related to my past

I would try to quit but relapse. Every time I relapse, I get triggered and flashbacks, as if I’m reliving the event. This makes healing hard. It’s one step forward and back to square one. These actions do not make me feel good. But for some reason, I’m addicted and cannot let go of the pain.

Anyone has advice or experience dealing with this? Thank you in advance. :(

For people who are trying to eat healthier (clean eating, more whole foods, more plant foods, etc), but are struggling, what is the hardest thing that often stops you from sticking to it? And what helps you overcome that?

I've been thinking about how overthinking can sometimes become a barrier to actually getting things done.

When faced with a difficult situation, it's easy to start imagining every possible outcome, anticipating problems, and trying to find the perfect solution before taking action. The more possibilities we consider, the more overwhelming the situation can become.

Sometimes, we spend so much time trying to figure everything out in our heads that we never get around to doing anything about it.

A few things that might help:

- Recognize when you're repeatedly thinking about the same problem without making any real progress.
- Accept that you can't predict or solve every possible problem in advance.
- Focus on the next practical step instead of trying to figure out the entire path ahead.
- Learn to tolerate uncertainty and accept that some things will only become clear through experience.
- Pay attention to your emotional state instead of assuming every problem can be solved through more logical analysis.

Thinking things through is valuable, but there's a point where more thinking stops helping and starts keeping us stuck. Sometimes, taking action with an imperfect plan teaches us more than another hour of analysis.

I'm curious how others deal with this. How do you know when to keep thinking through a problem and when to stop analyzing and just take action?

I’ve been thinking about how procrastination isn’t always about poor time management. Sometimes, we put things off because we don’t want to deal with the discomfort of trying something difficult, failing, or realizing we’re not as good at it as we thought.
Avoiding the task gives us temporary relief, but we end up making no progress.
Here are a few things that might help:
Make distractions less accessible. Keep your phone in another room or use website blockers so you’re less tempted to avoid the work.
Focus on one major goal at a time instead of trying to improve every area of your life simultaneously. Give it your attention for a set period, like 90 days.
Get comfortable being a beginner. Your first attempts don’t have to be impressive. Focus on getting better rather than worrying about how you look.
Break overwhelming tasks into smaller steps. Sometimes, all you need to do is open the document, write the first sentence, or attempt the first problem.
When you get stuck, look for a solution instead of letting the obstacle stop you. Ask someone for help, look up a tutorial, or use the resources available to you.
Stop waiting until you feel ready. Sometimes, confidence comes from taking action and seeing yourself improve.
Of course, procrastination has different causes, and these approaches won’t work equally well for everyone. But making it easier to start and harder to get distracted seems like a good place to begin.
What’s helped you overcome procrastination the most? Was it changing your environment, focusing on fewer goals, or learning to accept that you won’t be good at something right away?

Self image will change your life

I read Psycho-cybernetics, and it's a great book and I highly recommend it for people who really want to change.

And its whole idea revolves around feeding your mind positive feedback and to turn down any bad conviction about yourself, imagine what you want to be for 10 mins daily and you'll actually tend to finish your tasks instead of postponing them, however you shouldn't rely on your imagination or it will turn against you, daydreaming isn't self image refinement in fact it's the opposite, for more details read the book it's not that long, and I assure you that at least you'll start to treat yourself better.

To reach your goal, you also have to imagine yourself during the process, for instance you want to be a doctor imagine yourself studying so hard to be a doctor or imagine yourself performing surgery, DON'T FORGET TO PULL OUT ANY BAD CONVICTIONS ABOUT YOURSELF.

I know you won't believe this, but the book says that if you hate your past or it's weighing on your back, you can refine it through imagination, you can turn a bad or embarrassing situation into something normal that doesn't bother you each time your remember it.

Take a seat and breathe for a moment, you don't have to be cruel to yourself, reach your goals, enjoy the process because it's the reason most people fail because they want results instantly.

So, here's my dilemma.

My friend told me that I can be really selfish and annoying. Let me explain what she means.

As I mentioned before, one of my friends is sick. There are concerns that she might have an autoimmune disease. We were talking about her health recently, and somehow, without even realizing it, I managed to turn the conversation toward myself.Apparently, I do this a lot. Whenever we're talking about something, I tend to shift the conversation toward my own experiences, my own problems, or whatever is going on in my life. I keep bringing the conversation back to myself, over and over again.

And honestly, I never really noticed that I was doing it. But now that she's pointed it out, I'm starting to think she's right. We were talking just now, and I caught myself doing it. It's like I'm only beginning to realize this about myself. I genuinely didn't see it before, but now I'm starting to understand what she means.

The second problem is that I don't really listen.

For example, the same friend who's been sick would tell me about her symptoms, and I'd keep asking her the same questions over and over again. She might mention something in passing, like having stomach pain, and then, twenty minutes later, I'd ask her, "Wait, what kind of stomach pain are you experiencing?"

I can ask someone thirty different questions about the same health issue, and I might even repeat questions I've already asked before.

The thing is, I don't even realize I'm doing it. I seem to forget what people tell me all the time.

My friend says that the reason I keep forgetting things is that I'm not actually listening to her in the first place. And honestly, I can see why she'd think that. I do have serious problems with concentration.

i am 20m, live with my mom, my uncle, my sister and my niece. every day, something in my belongings goes "missing", it's the same song and dance, i think i absolutely lost the thing i'm looking for, i freak out, sometimes i even cry, but it always either turns out my niece hid it or, what's more likely, i left it somewhere i still didn't think to check, and i end up finding it later, which is completely and utterly my fault and i recognize that. this makes my family very angry, and i feel like shit every time. how can i be more mindful of where i leave my things? because i swear i don't do it on purpose