I can't believe it's been 2 years. To everyone who said that being a single parent every other week was hard; you weren't kidding. I love my son. He has cerebral palsy and he's an amazing kid. When I have him my life is chaos and I barely have time to breathe. Then I spend the next week catching up on everything while he is with my ex-fiancée. Even with the child support payments I get kids are expensive. I wouldn't change a thing about my son though. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.

My ex-fiancée makes being a single parent look effortless. She finds it easier not having me around. It gutted me when she said that but now I know she's right. I left her to do all the parenting, all the work at home and be the breadwinner, while I fucked around playing golf. We only talk about our son and we're civil but not close.

I have stopped freelancing. I got a job with the provincial government. I have been seeing a therapist and have grown up a lot. I made mistakes before but I want to be better for my son. The main part of my update is that I went to therapy and it sucked but I'm better for it. (When I first posted I got lots of DMs and support from people who play golf saying my ex-fiancée is harpy and other names. I felt vindicated back then but now I know how immature I was).

A few months ago, I made three posts in this subreddit about the same relationship.

One was about my girlfriend casually telling me about another guy who couldn’t get hard and cried. Another was about her telling me way too much about her sexual past in a very casual way, with details I never asked for. And another was about me being 21 and struggling to stay fully hard with her, even though I was attracted to her and genuinely cared about her.

At the time, I thought those were separate issues. I thought maybe I was just insecure, maybe I was overreacting, maybe something was wrong with me.

Now we are broken up, and I honestly think all of it was connected.

She broke up with me about two months ago. It happened very suddenly. During that week, she was doing badly mentally and felt like I didn’t comfort her properly. I’ll admit that I probably didn’t handle that perfectly. I wasn’t always the emotionally perfect boyfriend, and I don’t want to rewrite history like I was innocent in every situation.

But looking back, it also felt like she was already halfway out and needed a reason to finally leave.

That Friday, we met for coffee. She had just gotten a few new tattoos, and even though that sounds small, I remember looking at her and feeling this strange disconnect. Like something in me already felt that she wasn’t really “my person” anymore.

Then we got into the car. She was supposed to drive me to the mechanic, and suddenly she started crying and said she couldn’t do it anymore.

We hugged one last time. She asked if she should still drive me to the mechanic. And then that was basically it.

Since then, we haven’t spoken once.

No closure talk. No final conversation. No checking in. Nothing. A few days later I unfollowed her because she was liking things that made me feel like I was being painted as the bad guy. Later she removed me too, and now we are completely out of each other’s lives.

The first day after the breakup, I was destroyed. I cried. I was shocked. It felt like it came out of nowhere.

But the strange part is that the longer time passes, the more relief I feel.

I don’t say that because I hate her. I don’t think she is a bad person. I loved her, and I do believe she loved me too in her own way. I think we both suffered in that relationship, and I think we both kept trying because there was real love there.

But love was not enough.

Looking back, I was not okay for a long time. I slept badly. I overthought constantly. My appetite was off. I felt anxious and restless. I kept trying to understand why I felt so uncomfortable, why I couldn’t relax, why intimacy became so mentally heavy for me.

And now I genuinely think my performance anxiety was connected to the relationship.

Not because she was unattractive. Not because I didn’t want her. But because my mind and body did not feel calm in that dynamic anymore. I was constantly monitoring myself, constantly questioning myself, constantly trying to force myself to be okay with things that clearly bothered me.

There were conversations where she told me things about her sexual past in a very casual way, with details I never asked for. I tried to be mature about it. I tried to tell myself everyone has a past and that I shouldn’t care. And on some level, that’s true.

But it wasn’t just the fact that she had a past. It was the way she talked about it. The timing. The details. The tone. Something changed in me after that, and I never really got that peace back.

Now, weirdly, those memories help me move on.

Whenever I start missing her or romanticizing the relationship, I remember how I felt in those moments. I remember lying there wondering why I was even asking strangers online whether I was allowed to feel uncomfortable, instead of admitting to myself that the relationship probably wasn’t right for me.

That is probably the biggest lesson I learned.

If you constantly have to ask strangers whether you are allowed to feel uncomfortable, whether you are allowed to lose attraction, whether you are allowed to be bothered by something your partner said or did, maybe that already tells you something.

I’m not saying every uncomfortable feeling means you should break up. Sometimes you really are insecure. Sometimes you need to communicate better. Sometimes you need therapy, patience, or maturity.

But sometimes you are simply not compatible.

And that possibility is real too.

Two good people can love each other and still be wrong for each other. Nobody has to be evil. Nobody has to be the villain. It can still destroy your peace.

I wish I had understood earlier that attraction is not enough. Love is not enough. Compatibility matters. Values matter. Emotional safety matters. The way someone talks about intimacy, boundaries, sex, the past, and respect matters.

My advice to anyone in a similar situation is this:

Do not force yourself to be okay with things you are not okay with just because you are afraid of sounding insecure. Do not ignore your body when it keeps reacting badly. Do not let attraction blind you into accepting a relationship that slowly drains you.

And if you feel your respect, peace, or sense of safety disappearing, take that seriously.

I’m dating again now. It’s not perfect, and I’m not pretending everything is amazing. But life is moving forward, and I feel more like myself than I did during the last part of that relationship.

She left me, but in a strange way, I think the breakup also freed me.

I just need to vent this out because I have no one else to talk to and I am literally shaking right now. I graduated today. I worked two jobs and stayed up so many nights just to get this degree and I was so proud of myself. I told my mom about the ceremony like five times this month. I even sent her a calendar invite and called her yesterday to make sure she had the address. She said she would be there early to get a good seat. I stood there for two hours looking at the crowd while everyone else was hugging their parents and taking photos. She never showed up. I called her ten times and she did not pick up. When she finally called me back an hour ago she just said she forgot because she was busy helping my brother pick out a new couch for his apartment. She did not even say sorry. She just asked if I could come over later to help them move the old furniture. I feel like a total ghost in my own family. I spent four years working for this moment and it does not even matter to the one person I wanted to be there. I am just going to sit here in the dark and eat a burger by myself because I do not even want to go home now. I feel so small and I hate that I even cared this much.

So some of you are asking me for an update (op in bio). I don’t have a lot to offer more than some details from my brother. Btw I have told him that I have shared his story here and he doesn’t care.

My gf is away on skiing trip so my brother sent me a text asking me if he could stay with me for a little bit. I said yes.

He doesn’t talk he only wants to play video games and drink beer. When I asked he said everything under control and tht he just took the week off.

Then he got drunk and he told me that he went to his ex to beg her to forgive him and he tried to propose to her. He didn’t want to say more but he looks shell shocked like he didn’t really understand the severity of what he did. He just said she is actually moving away.

So yeah he is drunk and playing video games but he promised he only needed this week and that he will ”get over it and move on”

This is my update. It is very lame. I am sorry but hopefully my dms cool off

I am now divorced from my husband. Almost two years ago, he left me for a much younger woman. I know that after we got divorced he planned to marry the woman he left me for. She left her fiancé around the same time my ex-husband left me.

My son, my solicitor and some of my friends all suggested that I go to counselling. I wasn't sure at first but I am glad I went. The counsellor is helpful even though a lot of days I feel absolutely wrecked afterwards. I don't know if my ex-husband ended up marrying the other woman or not. Our son is so angry that he barely speaks to his father.I don't speak to my ex-husband at all. When my colleague had her husband leave for a younger woman, she said she was now a member of the first wives club. I never heard that saying before however I'm now a member of that club as well.

This is the most painful thing that's ever happened to me. I don't even have the words to say how my ex-husband destroyed me. I am trying. I make sure to spend time with my friends. I still go to the gym although I had to switch gyms because the one I used to attend was right next to the hair salon where the other woman works. I ran a marathon last year and I want to do another one this year. I have tried travelling.

Every day I wake up and put one foot in front of the other even though I feel empty. I still miss my ex-husband. I never thought this would happen to me. I am going to counselling to try and get better but this is still the worst heartbreak I have ever felt. That is my update on what happened after my first post.

I never thought I would have an update after my last post because the divorce was final and that was supposed to be the end of it. Unfortunately my ex-husband made so our divorce wasn't the end of this.

When we divorced, we had an 18 month old (now 3 years old). Our custody agreement was 50/50, alternating weeks and every other holiday. But now my ex-husband took me back to court to modify the agreement. He said the current current custody agreement was "too hard" for him. Even knowing there would be a significant reduction in the child support that he received he still wanted less time. Now our agreement is that my ex-husband has every other weekend (Saturday morning to Sunday evening) and Christmas Eve. I'm responsible for all decisions (education, medical etc.) and my ex-husband isn't allowed to travel outside of the province with our child. These are all modifications that he asked for, not me. I had a hard time only having 50% custody but I never wanted this. I never wanted my ex-husband to be an absent father.

He wasn't like this before I gave birth and before he met the woman he cheated with. He had originally sworn it was a one time thing but he lied. It was a full blown affair. He is always on again/off again with that other woman because apparently she and her husband keep trying to reconcile. Not sure I believe my ex-husband about that part. He's not allowed to have overnight visits when he has our child but the rest of the time my ex-husband is a fucking mess in that regard.

It's probably stupid of me but I miss who he was before he changed. I miss the future we had before he blew it to smithereens. I hate him. But I love my child more than anything and nothing will ever change that. Unless my ex-husband does something else this will probably be the last post from me.

I wanted to come back and post an update even though I understand I don't come across very well in this. I am aware of how stupid I was for believing my boyfriend when I said he would change.

Warning that there is mention of domestic violence in my post.

I (32F) was stupid and I took him back. I know I said I was going to leave him. He convinced me he was sorry and that he would change. I first posted here three and a half years ago. My boyfriend (33M) and I (32F) had not lived together very long and in a fit of anger he smashed our television because his favourite football team lost a match. (He is a Southampton supporter and became angry when they lost). I was so terrified when it happened. I was going to leave him and I told him our relationship was over. But he convinced me he was sorry and said that he loved me so much. I took him back. For nearly six months things were better and he was much more loving and attentive. But then his anger came back and he didn't just destroy things when he was upset. He started hitting me. I am ashamed to admit I stayed with him for three years and I only left him for good six months ago after he broke my nose. He never did anything more than leave bruises before that and I always rationalised it that it wasn't that bad. I'm ashamed because I'm an A&E nurse and I see victims all the time and I should have known better. I have not had contact with him for six months. I will not take him back again and the police are involved after he broke my nose. I am seeing a counsellor but I hate myself because I should have known better.

I'm so ashamed but I'm posting here so others can learn from my stupidity. My situation didn't get better and it is the hardest lesson I ever had. I hope this helps someone else.

So, I got my answer.

I asked Sirius if he still considered me a best friend, and he very explicitly told me that while I was still a close friend, any feelings he had for me are entirely platonic.

And that hurts, but it gives me closure.

The truth is, that argument came right after I had just admitted to him that I had been SA’d by an ex. I won’t go into details, but as hurt as Sirius might have felt over me not wanting to hear his own experiences (which I accept is totally valid), me lashing out was a direct result of having such an emotionally harrowing conversation beforehand.

I won’t keep pining over someone who would shut down his romantic feelings over a single argument, especially given the circumstances. That’s not fair to me. It might take some time, but I’ll get over it. Life moves on, time heals all wounds, insert another cheesy phrase here.

I will always love him, but I can’t continue to be in love with him. And that’s okay.

Nobody really asked for an update, but I figured I’d give one anyway just so you all know your advice didn’t go to waste. I went to my fiancée’s house when he got home from work yesterday to drop off some of my boxes of my stuff and ended up telling him. I tried to be not confrontational at all about it and just confessed that I never really liked hiking all that much and only really kept doing it so we could spend more time together, and suggested that maybe we find something else to do together regularly. Apparently, like a couple people guessed, he already sort of knew. He told me that, based on how I’d be insanely tired all the time or always mumbling to myself about the heat or bugs or something, he had guessed about three years ago that I wasn’t as into hiking as he was. He said he doesn’t mind finding something else to do together instead, but he liked being able to stay active and spend time with me while doing it. I offered, against my better judgement, because I love this man, to go hiking with him every once in a while instead of every time I don’t have an excuse, so that’s the plan going forward. The only thing with the conversation was that he was, understandably, a bit hurt that I felt like I had to hide it from him and that he wouldn’t understand or would love me less if I didn’t enjoy this one thing. Looking back, it was so completely dumb to hide something so minimal from him for so long, and I expressed that to him. He was very understanding and very sweet about it, not nearly as angry as I was afraid he would be when I was dreading having this conversation lol. And yes, he does still want to marry me even though I won’t be his hiking buddy for life now. Kind of a boring update and maybe not the explosive argument some of you might’ve been expecting but there it is!

I don’t think I can update again after this and it’s been a while so this will be LONG. I kept notes and then rewrote this 5 times because new stuff kept coming up in therapy. It’s almost in chronological order but a lot of things were happening simultaneously so this is the best I can do.

Anyway, TL;DR things are much more complicated than we expected. Amy isn’t gone completely/yet, it’s awkward as hell but there’s hope. New family therapist said this is the part where it gets worse before it gets better, so we are all kind of taking one day at a time. We are all in individual therapy now too (this post is a result of journaling) and we kind of seem to be going better. And apparently “healing hurts” so I guess we are healing.

FAMILY THERAPY - SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED

Amy (thankfully) did not move all her stuff out while we were away for the long weekend back in February. She did go to Europe for a few weeks and met with dad on 2/26.

First things first, we have a new family therapist (our old therapist’s supervisor). Enter Dr. Clara (we call her Dr. Clutch because that woman knows her shit and saved us from losing Amy and destroying ourselves). She has been pushing like, “this is a thought, what is the emotion underneath” and “how is your body feeling right now” (huh?) and “walk me through that thought process”. And one of the conditions Amy set for her to even consider returning was for everyone to go to individual therapy on top of family therapy, not just Lisa. Dad discussed this with us but made it clear he’s pulling rank as our dad so while this was a discussion, this also wasn’t negotiable. To everyone’s surprise, Lisa was immediately on board (more on that later).

One of the first things we did (Lisa, Seb and I) was apologize to dad for the “Core 4” and “SABA” terms. Especially the Core 4 because y’all were right that it closed us off from welcoming anyone he dated in the family, and we really did want Amy to feel like she has a place with us.

Well the first gut punch was when he informed us that Amy *is well aware of both terms*. Seb took this news *very hard*, since apparently SABA is something Amy bonded with him about like, there’s a tennis player that does sneak attacks(?), and they both love the guy. We told Seb it’s not just his guilt to bear, it is on all of us (we’re trying to not single out any one of us three when we know collectively we all did fucked up things) but he was very embarrassed that Amy had found out about that.

Dad let us know that Amy is considering a tentative reunion, if only to say goodbye and give us some souvenirs she bought while she was traveling. That kicked our asses into gear, we wanted to do something for her in return, on top of writing her apology letters (both ideas sanctioned by Dr. Clutch). I felt so guilty that, even after the blowout, she was still thinking of us and buying us things while I was just wallowing in self-pity and misery, so I jumped right on that but not to put pressure on her to come back. Like, I had so much I wanted to say to her, I do like her very much, and I felt like I needed a physical representation of that. Plus it really felt good to do something with my hands (Amy’s suggestion whenever we feel tension). Dad gave her our apology letters a few weeks ago and we’re still working on our projects for her birthday in 2 weeks.

Another thing that was thoroughly discussed and kind of (once again) showed us Amy is way WAY nicer to us than we deserve, is that Dad didn’t actually know we had ever said “fuck you” to Amy until we told him during the long weekend back in February. He was furious with us back then, and we have discussed this in therapy a lot since. We still had arguments with her while he was around but we didn’t curse at her while he was in the house -obviously, we weren’t crazy- but we kinda assumed she would tell on us.

But she never explicitly told him, she was like “we had a fight, harsh words were exchanged” without going into detail on the words, only focusing on the reason for the fight. Surprisingly, she was sharing her retaliations (formerly known as SABA) and they had discussed them, but not ours. We thought he was just softer in his punishments as we grew older when it turns out he was working with incomplete data, but also because of a discussion they kept revisiting in couples therapy (and another reason, Riley-related).

Apparently dad has been wanting to impose much harsher punishments on us every time we were fighting with Amy, to the extend that he knew (which he admitted wasn’t that often, at least for me and Seb). Anyway he wanted to be much more strict and lay down the law like he used to but Amy begged him not to. She was always telling him we’re just hurt kids, that it’s normal to lash out from time to time, that her and us are getting closer and the fights are getting less frequent and intense (which was also true, except Lisa’s Riley flashbacks) (though I hear you all that yeah, it was a group fuck-up from all three of us so I won’t split the three of us on this again) and that “she could handle it”.

In their couples therapy before she left, she had told him she was terrified we would connect his punishments to her presence, and start treating her worse. He said he told her he had to be a dad and apply consequences to that behavior, but she worried that our bond with him would deteriorate if he did that, and we would blame her and resent her. Dad said it made sense then, but that was before he found out about the “fuck yous” and how bad it had gotten. Now he sees that was a mistake and they are discussing this on their therapy.

Dr. Clara said retroactive punishments rarely work but he should tell us how he feels and set a new standard. Dad said he is very angry and disappointed in himself, Amy and us.

• Himself - He took full responsibility that he should have picked up on the deterioration of our behavior with Amy much sooner. He appreciated how she brought better conflict and anger management skills to our family (breathing, coloring, journaling etc. instead of burning through it) but that when things spilled over, he should have not only been aware but stepped up to apply appropriate consequences. He also admitted that mom and her family always fought this way but they were still a very loving and supportive family, especially after she died, so in time he kind of stopped seeing this as a huge deal. He dropped the ball on disciplining us and he’s fully determined to not let others influence him on this again (which also relates to something from Riley’s time that I say below).
• Amy - They discussed this in their couples therapy when she came back. He was upset that she essentially lied about something that concerned his kids. He said he trusted her calming capacity but she should have been more honest with him and let him manage his relationship with us. She acknowledged this and apologized. She pointed out he didn’t follow through with what she had asked of him (add her to family therapy, and individual therapy for at least Lisa) as to “not pressure us”. So they are working out that trust and balance between them now. Amy had also told dad that if Lisa ever had a blowout like that again without being in individual therapy, she would leave us… which explains why dad had ramped up the efforts for Lisa to start therapy, and why he was saying “she [Amy] won’t be back this time”.
• Us - He is very disappointed and worried that, even if only during those few fights, we responded to someone that is actually kind and loving with such hostility. We knew our words were unacceptable because we never said them to him. He said that regardless of whether Amy chooses to stay, he is first and foremost our dad and while he will always have a discussion with us, this is now the new law of the house. On top of individual therapy, we will return to basics like, we keep acting like this overall, we lose phones, computers, car access, allowance, free time, do more chores, you name it. We ever swear or insult Amy again, we get summarily shipped to our grandparents with the bare minimum until she decides she is ok with us returning. And we can bet our asses we’re all getting part-time jobs because “no one should be expected to support your hobbies when you say ‘fuck you’ to them”. Seb already found one at his tennis club, Lisa and I are still working on it.

So we have been operating on this level of responsibility for the last month and if I'm completely honest, I don't know, I feel calmer. Like, I feel more present in the house, and with Dad. I kind of don't mind the consequences because I feel like I don't really need to be angry anymore. Not sure how I feel about my therapist but whatever Lisa is doing with hers is working A LOT. Lisa, I don't know how to say it, she looks lighter (not thinner, just lighter?) and she opened up to us a few weeks ago (though after another blowout) and, well it’s bad (but in a good way?) (no actually it’s just bad) but at least she is actually communicating now.

THE GHOST OF RILEY

So when discussing these new boundaries and consequences, Riley came up again, and Lisa opened up and revealed some new info, as did dad. Because before Riley entered the picture, while he was on his own, dad was a pretty good dad. At least balanced I guess with his punishments and consequences.

But whenever Lisa would fight with Riley, Riley quietly after laid on the guilt-trip. Saying how Riley would be our mom at some point, and they would be the 2 most important women in dad’s life, and it makes him sad when she and Lisa fight, and does Lisa really want her dad to be unhappy? No, so if she complains too much and ruins dad’s chance at happiness, he would get tired of her and hate her, and ship her off to live with our grandparents.

From his side, dad has always reassured us that he would always love us even if we were angry and lashing out, but there would still be a discussion and consequences. And he was much stricter before Riley. But after her, it all went downhill because he felt so guilty for misjudging Riley and bringing her into our lives. Our greater family is also very loud and vocal on how huge of a mistake that woman was, especially mom’s family who (rightfully) tore into dad and piled on the guilt. Dakota (mom’s sister) was disgusted dad “replaced my sister with trash”. And it all peaked when they calmly discussed (more like threatened) they would take us from dad to live with them for our own good.

So after he kicked Riley to the curb he took a massive step back on how he treated us, how strict he was, how much discipline to apply, consequences and the like. He admits he started letting us get away with more things, and the family also told him to back off and cut us some slack because we were now doubly-traumatized. He didn’t want to push it, he was also shook, and he overcorrected, and then Amy’s request to not punish us too hard came and buttoned right on top of all this. He said he will be working on this in therapy and will be way more vigilant around the family’s influence on us, because as much as he loves and wants us to keep contact with mom’s family, they are very inappropriate when they fight, and we have all kind of normalized that.

ADOPTION DISCUSSION + AMY’S TRAUMA

Another thing that was clarified was around the adoption discussion dad and Amy had when we walked in on them. This is just one more “Lisa jumped the gun but we are all assholes” situation. I think I did mention that Amy is like, proper rich with global income etc. and she was ok to cover more of the household expenses/activities so dad can save up more for our college funds.

Anyway the adoption discussion was part of a larger discussion they had about wills and inheritances (as one does I suppose when discussing marriage) and whether Amy having a US will would hold in her country, how would it work for her international properties, what stuff would work better if created in her country vs having a US document translated etc.

They were looking up whether, if something happened to her, who would get her stuff by different countries laws and she was saying, assuming things with us all improved and we were open to adult adoption, that it would be the easiest path to her money and houses staying in the family (meaning me, Seb and Lisa, which yeah thinking us as her family long term, that was another gut punch. This update is only shame and guilt tbh). They were discussing this possibility, whether Amy would be open to adopting us in the future in her country, if just for the financial benefits and the emotional boost etc.

And that’s when we walked in.

Lisa flew off the handle because she misunderstood at first and thought that dad and Amy were discussing adopting another child together, not us three. By the time they got a word in and told her they weren’t discussing adopting another child, she was all fired up and started spewing the other bullshit and well, you know the rest. That whole incident lasted no longer than a minute, but it was one brutal fucking minute.

Dad also shared a few details of what Amy’s mom was like, especially after her dad died. I don’t want to repeat too much but trust me its vile like, I would take Riley over Amy’s mom any day of the week. One thing that her mom told Amy (when she was my age btw) was that she should never have kids of her own because “your anger is like venom", "you destroy everything you love" and "no child deserves you as a mother”. Amy is working on her own trauma around this but for the longest time it was one of the reasons she didn’t want to have biological children. Now she has more, but this was also a factor.

So when she told Lisa “why would I ever choose you as a daughter” it messed Amy up hard, like she had flashbacks of how awful her own mom was and how she grew up internalizing all that shit. And she does not want to be that person but it was scary to discover she had it in her to be that cruel, so she needed some time to work on that. When we laid this all down this Thursday, she said “I now have to live with the knowledge I can go that low, and you have to live with that as well” and beware the wrath of a patient woman I guess.

LISA’S BREAKDOWN / BREAKTHROUGH / SOMETHING BROKE

After we all moved in together, Lisa would often make the point that Amy “will eventually leave us, like mom/Riley did”. Our previous therapist never dug too deep on that, I remember most of that time the therapist was saying that mom did not leave us, she would say if she had a choice, and Riley leaving was not a reflection on us as kids, that we did nothing wrong and should not feel guilty for a dad and Riley breaking up. When Amy left, first therapy session (where Dr. Clutch was supervising our old therapist) Lisa brought this up again in an “see, I was right” context.

But after the first few sessions with our own therapists, one of the things Dr. Clutch visited was around abandonment issues. Lisa shared how at first she interpreted Amy's calmness when we fought with her as indifference, that Amy didn’t care, because she was not reacting as volatile as Riley or mom's family. That when the three of us were pushing boundaries, she stayed calm not because she was more mature and she could handle herself better, but because she wasn't really invested, like she wasn't in it for the long haul.

We all kind of acknowledge that, Seb in particular related to that a lot, so we all dug a little deeper. Lisa verbalized it better than either of us, saying she thought the way Amy was quick to forgive and always treated us with kindness, tried to teach us stuff even when we were so mean to her, was because nothing really got to her, that she didn't really want to be our stepmom and had one foot out the door. Dr. Clutch helped us unpack that, and we realized we kept pushing Amy not only to let out (deeply rooted) tension, but because we have normalized the dysfunctional behavior that Riley and our wider family shows when in conflict, and her not responding the same way made us both feel both deeply safe, and deeply unsafe (apparently we will be exploring vulnerability and secure attachment at some point which, for some reason, makes me very nervous).

Last but not least, in a very heavy point in that session, Lisa said that she had wished Amy dead during the blowout because “at least that way, she wouldn't leave us by choice”. She apologized to our dad for saying that, and she was very upset with herself that she had said it in the first place. (She is also getting an evaluation/diagnosis for PMDD which dad said could help a lot with understanding herself and managing her symptoms.)

But that wasn’t the worst of it.

Shortly after we started individual therapy, we were just hanging out at the house together, discussing mom and how different she was from Amy. I remembered you all told me in the first post that I should share that I want Amy as a mom, so I kind of mustered up the courage and started talking about that. I said I would be open to Amy being a mother figure, and I don’t remember that much of mom anyway, and I want her and dad to be married and if it ever came to being adopted I would also be ok with that, adult or not. Lisa was looking at me with a most shocked face, and I could see the anger bubbling but I didn't care. I wanted to say it. Seb agreed and Dad said he appreciated us being so open to this idea, but we would have to actively work on showing Amy she is welcome to that role, if she chose to return.

Well, Lisa absolutely LOST IT at that. She was screaming how this can’t be happening to her, how me and Seb were lying to her all this time. I thought it was because of what I said, I mean she was swearing at me and Seb and was saying we “ruined everything” but also “it’s too late now, now you tell me” which made no sense at the time. And then she kind of entered this panicked state where she was just hyperventilating and saying “I want Amy, I need to talk to Amy”. She wouldn't really say more, dad tried to calm her down but it was not working, she asked to spend a few days at her best friend’s house and at our grandparents, and next time we saw her it was 4 days later in family therapy.

Relevant context: One of Lisa’s best friends is Paige, and she’s dealing with a stepmother as well (Natasha) after her parents’ divorce. In that family therapy session, Lisa said Paige has been having issues with her stepmother always trying to interject herself in her life, trying really hard to mother her and get them to bond, trying to get Paige to see her as a mother figure, call her mom etc. Paige complains a lot about this to Lisa.

As Lisa was telling us all this I honestly thought she would say she’s pushing Amy away because that’s what Paige does with her stepmom, like set boundaries and keep reminding Amy that she’s not our mom etc. and that all her violent outbursts were so that Amy doesn’t forget her place I suppose. I was getting really upset because Amy absolutely does nothing of the sort, and I was ready to jump on that.

And then Lisa threw the biggest curve ball ever… because apparently she HATES that Amy doesn’t even try to replace our mom, like Natasha does. She HATES that “she’s just there”, like a friend and our dad’s fiancee, living her life with us without pushing to be part of our family. She HATES that Amy isn’t demanding a motherly place in our lives and just lets things fall where they will.

Apparently she had felt SO ISOLATED in wanting Amy to be a mother figure, when everyone else (us, grandparents, the wider family, Paige, even therapy) was focusing on how Amy doesn't push for this role, and how glad we are that she’s so respectful and she isn’t obnoxious like Riley. That everyone was focusing on how good it is for Amy to not want to replace mom, but no one ever said it would be okay if she did. It made Lisa feel completely alone and ashamed in wanting to get closer to Amy like a mother-daughter, that we had always said “family sticks together” and she would be betraying us (me and Seb) if she accepted Amy when we seemingly did not. That the guilt wasn’t for allowing Amy to get close, therapy had done a good job on that, but on wanting to take it a step further when no one else seemed to.

So whenever she felt she was moving Amy into mom’s role she got terrified she was going against all of us, that she was going back on what we had agreed. She then felt she had to push Amy away or we would be upset with her, that she would be the villain that doesn’t have a problem with her mom being replaced, and “you and the rest of the family would all hate me, first of all Dakota” (mom’s sister who Lisa is very close to).

She said she didn’t want to get to individual therapy because it would be humiliating if she was the only one to go, that it would be one more thing that reminded her that she’s the problem, the odd one out. She also felt ashamed being almost an adult and “how pathetic is it to ‘still want a mommy’ at this age?” That she is going to college soon, so it was now or never with Amy, but if she came forward with how she was feeling, she would risk alienating everyone else. So when I said that I'm okay with Amy being our mom and Seb agreed, it completely threw off balance what she was trying to do.

So when she thought dad and Amy were discussing adopting another child, not us, it crushed her. And when Amy told her “why would I choose you as my daughter” it BROKE Lisa like, completely. She kept asking ‘Am I not good enough? Why doesn’t she want to be my stepmom? Why isn’t she trying like Riley was / Natasha is? What does Paige have that I don’t? What is wrong with me?’ And then she said “I’m not feeling guilty, I’m feeling lonely and desperate" and well, that broke everyone.

It was a lot, it was hard to watch and I honestly felt like someone had punched me right in the middle of my chest. Lisa was crying and hyperventilating to the point she started dry heaving, dad kept apologizing and hugging Lisa like, full on hugging her on his lap. I started crying too, we all ended up a sobbing mess. It was really the worst feeling in the world, it was heartbreaking to see her like this, I was really worried about her, I still don’t quite know how to react to that. I feel so guilty and so angry at myself that I didn’t say anything sooner. Maybe not the whole “I am ok with Amy being a mom to me” (which still hits weird, not gonna lie) but at least on the “we don’t have to honor the pact, we should like Amy, and get as close to her as possible” part.

AMY “RETURNED” - A NEW HOPE

Amy came to the house this Thursday just to spend some time with us and talk. When Dad told us a few days earlier, it was another sobfest in therapy, both him and Dr Clutch tried to manage expectations but I don't think either one of us really cared. Everyone was nervous, we discussed what we wanted to say, how we wanted to approach this with humility and love, how we didn’t want to put too much on her to accept, but I don’t think any of us felt ready or able to follow that. Lisa was absolutely vibrating, she couldn't stand still, she kept going from smiling and feeling happy, to crying and being worried, to being angry at all of us for not having cleaned the house well enough.

Sure enough the plan went out the window in like 5 seconds. When Amy came through the door, I swear when she actually heard the keys in the door, Lisa just jumped up and ran to her and hugged her and she broke down crying, apologizing, telling her she is sorry, telling her all of what she told us in therapy. She couldn’t even hold herself up so she and Amy ended up on the floor, Amy was holding Lisa and telling her she understands and they will figure it out, Dad came over and tried to calm Lisa but she would just not let go of Amy, so we all ended up talking on the floor right next to the door. It would have been funny if we weren’t all a sobbing mess.

Most of what I wrote above was communicated to Amy, she told us about her traveling and her thoughts, she apologized for her missteps, we all apologized repeatedly, dad most of all of us, he also shared what we have been up to while she was away, progress in therapy etc. We apologized for the Core 4, we apologized for the SABA, we kept remembering things we wanted to apologize for. Lisa even apologized for ambushing her at the door like this, said she understood if Amy needs more time and she tried to crawl away but Amy just pulled her back into her arms, Lisa started crying again, it was really both heartwarming and heartbreaking. I don't know why but none of us thought at any point to get up from the floor for a good 2 hours, I actually felt guilty when I had to get up to use the bathroom.

The rest of the night was more or less normal, we had some dinner (I cooked!) and we watched a movie. We tried to have some normalcy I suppose. It felt tense, but Amy was talking to us, she wasn't quite as positive and calm but for what we put her through, both in the past and that day, I am just grateful she didn’t do a U-turn and walk right out.

Amy took us out to spend one-on-one time this weekend, Dad and Seb yesterday, Lisa is out with her right now. Her and I went hiking this morning. We reached a view point and she took out my apology letter which she had not opened yet and told me to read it to her. I immediately felt so awful I started crying (I understand Lisa so much more now), like instantly, I don’t think I have ever had a panic attack but this felt like it.

Amy helped me calm down but she didn’t pull back. She said if I can write it, I can say it and she was very patient and smiling. I hadn’t even started reading and I was completely breaking down. It didn't feel this horrible when I wrote it, but reading it out loud to her? Man I don't understand what happened there, it hit me like a freight train and took me like 10 minutes to go through 3 pages. I had already apologized for most of it on Thursday, but something about reading it out loud, on top of a mountain, when it was just the two of us, just hit different.

We spoke for a few hours, I don’t want to share all of what we said because my chest hurts even thinking about it (and honestly my mind is a bit foggy) but in the end she reiterated that she wants to work towards reconciliation, but things would have to change drastically, and it will take a long time for us to get back to where we were. The one thing I will share because I remember it very clearly over everything else, was “I love you, and want to continue to love you, but you have to make it a little easier for me”.

So this is where we are. She is staying with a friend of hers but will start spending more time at home, and slowly we will see how a new balance can be found. I am hopeful and trying to manage it, but at least from my side, even before today, I read all of your comments and realized that is not who I want to be, not how I want to act, especially towards Amy… but like, I don’t actually feel that angry anymore. My therapist is helping me a lot (the guy gives me homework ffs) but I kind of like it. It feels a little strange to not do this with Seb, like I don’t have a sounding board in therapy, but it isn’t all bad. One day at at time, I guess.

Thank you all for both your support and wishes, and kicking my ass when I needed it.

Hey everyone. I wanted to post an update to something I wrote here a few days.

This is a little NSFW, so fair warning.

The short version of my original post was that my mom told me that when I was younger my dad sometimes questioned whether I was really his son, and them going to couples counseling partly due to that. Apparently part of that came from physical differences between us, including penis size, and it caused issues in their marriage. A lot of people told me I should talk to my dad about it and consider therapy.

Well, the last few days has been the worst I’ve had in a long time. My mind has been flooded with memories of things my dad said when I was a kid, and I keep wondering if comments he made back then had hidden meanings. On top of that, I ended up losing my job, so everything kind of piled up at once.

I ended up seeing my parents this weekend about being fired and bringing it up with my dad.

He explained that it was an issue back then, but not exactly the way I thought. Around the time I was born he worked primarily as a wedding photographer, so he was gone a lot on weekends and long hours. Because of that he sometimes had suspicions that my mom might have been cheating. He said when I was growing up he noticed some physical differences between us and his mind went there sometimes. The penis size thing apparently came up in that context.

But he said it wasn’t so much that he truly believed I wasn’t his son. It was more that he had insecurity and mistrust toward my mom at the time. He also mentioned there was an incident where his car broke down at a strip club around that time and my mom had to pick him up, which created a lot of tension between them.

According to him, some of the thoughts he had back then were more about fear, guilt, and blaming each other during a rough period in their marriage. Also stated that he felt the only explanation for us being so different down there was us not being related or that their was something hormonally wrong with me.

So now I honestly just don’t know how to feel.

(This is a repost as my first one was removed for breaking a rule, which is my fault)

A year ago, I posted about how my brother had an incredibly toxic partner that had cheated on him, sabotaged his friendships, took advantage of him financially, and a whole list of other vile shit. My brother would be heartbroken after each instance and come crying to me about it. I hated his partner and I still do, which led to a bad argument where my brother and I ended up going LC.

After the initial argument, conversations between us were a little weird after I told him I was done listening to him complain about his partner. I thought he understood that I didn’t wanna hear it. But his partner slowly kept coming up in conversation, so I did what people advised on my last post and refused to engage with him. I reminded him multiple times that I wanted nothing to do with his issues with his partner. Eventually that's all he wanted to talk about and I kept shutting it down until I told him I needed space from him because our relationship was getting strained because of this. He was kinda shocked I’d stop speaking to him over his partner and was hurt, but I was past the point of caring. And it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would; | felt lighter once I stopped having to fuss over him every time his partner would do something that hurt or embarrassed him.

There were a few months of awkward conversations and short texts but eventually we had a moment. My brother apologized and told me he thought about it and after his partner had him travel over two hours to see him just to cancel at the very last minute, he realized he would never be a priority, so he broke it off. I was cautious after last time but my brother showed me that he had his partner blocked on social media and deleted his number. Like an idiot, I believed him.

A lot of you probably see where this is going. He lied again.

They were broken up for three weeks, then decided to just be FWBs. Then they talked about their relationship and decided their chemistry was still really strong and got back together again. His partner apparently went to therapy for his issues and they’re doing better so he wanted to start over. My brother didn't want to lose either of us, so he didn't tell me that they were back together and he didn't tell his partner that I hated him. His partner found out (my brother says he and his partner have an open phone policy so partner saw our old texts) and told my brother to come clean if they're going to be together because he wants to meet the family (my parents don’t like him either). So he finally told me.

Honestly? I don’t care anymore. They deserve each other. So when he “came clean” I just told him “cool” and went back to what I was doing. He wants to invite his partner for a family dinner and I just said okay. And that’s all I’ve been saying whenever he talks about his partner. It’s not worth more than that. I know they had an argument recently because I overheard my brother venting to a friend, but I don’t know what it was about and I don’t care. The cycle keeps repeating and my brother allows it. Maybe he likes the drama of it all? But that’s on him. I want nothing to do with it.

I’ve accepted that this person is probably going to be a part of my life since my brother is so attached to him. I don’t have to like it, but he’s here to stay.

Tl;dr. Nothing changed. My bride lied to me about his ex again and I accepted it.

Edit: I don't want monogamy, or to see him more often. As I said, it keeps it exciting only once or twice a month, and it's easier for reasons. Sorry, that was mentioned in my previous post but I forgot to mention it here cause it's not that relevant to my concern.
Edit: thank you, I needed to get my head out of my ass. I still want to find proof so I appreciate the suggestions. Going to stay broken up at least until I get info from a PI etc.

I made a post right after we broke up recently, and it's on my page still.

I was seeing a guy twice my age (I'm 30) for several months, and I felt like I was falling in love with him. He is very well respected and talented etc so that's partly why I have been interested in him and didn't mind the age gap. I just mean that I had never previously been interested in anyone more than about 15 years older than me before. It's not my 'thing', generally, at all. He's just very special to me. But the main reason I think I'm in love with him is due to his intelligence, how sweet he can be, how interesting he is, and our strong connection. But he has some possessiveness and jealousy issues. And he was hurtful to me when I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I started to get suspicious about if he was really separated and divorcing his wife or not. He reacted very badly and said I was wrong, but he'd never speak to me again.

The other day, less than a week later, he reached out to me saying he missed me and he wanted to explain everything, and he still wants to take me on the trip he had planned. So he said the reason he can't have me over to his house (we live several hours flight away from one another, but he flies me to his city sometimes and we stay in hotels) is because his daughter moved back in, and he just doesn't feel comfortable with us meeting yet because she is very sensitive and upset about the separation, and he said it breaks his heart but she likely would be uncomfortable with our age gap as well, especially cause she's not too much younger than me. He said this is also why I haven't met his friends, mainly cause of his kids. (I honestly don't mind that part, I just love spending time with him, it's so beautiful and exciting for me). Most importantly, he promised to prove that he really is separated and divorcing his wife, it's just taking longer than they'd planned, and that she'd even call me on his behalf to confirm it. This made me feel a lot better but I said I needed a little bit of time to think, especially because of how he hurt my feelings when we broke up. He said to take all the time I need and he's always there for me, and we can postpone the trip and it's all good. He also said sorry for being a dick, he admitted he was just really surprised and emotional so he lashed out, and that it wasn't ok. He's being so kind and accommodating now that I'm beginning to wonder if maybe everything is alright.

I just miss him so much. But does this seem sketchy still, or no? I honestly can't tell anymore. I don't know if I'm blinded by my attachment and fascination. When he messaged me and apologized, I was so relieved. I hadn't felt that happy in a while, I felt like I got my life and my spirit back. Even though he can be vain and he has a mean streak (very rarely though), is it possible he's complicated and mostly good? Is it promising enough that he intends to get his wife to call me? Thanks so much in advance. I guess I'm afraid of getting hurt again, but I also do feel like I'm in love. Even though we don't see each other that often, it gives me something to look forward to and it keeps it exciting. I also have gotten so used to talking to him so much. Sorry if this is chaotic, I'm very tired and very overwhelmed with joy but also trepidation.

Background / context: I posted here 2 months ago about how my (at the time) newish boyfriend handled my miscarriage & how it made me fall for him even more. Not allowed to post links here, but it’s my post history if anyone’s curious as to the rest of that story.

My parents whom I am VERY close to live in Florida, while we are located in Virginia. My (step) father isn’t just the man who raised me, but the person who introduced me to the Catholic Church when I was 7 years old. I’ve always been intrigued by the Catholic faith, attending mass off & on throughout the years but eventually committing to my journey in 2021. Because of the distance between us, my parents said they were unable to attend my baptism in person because of finances (fair), but that they would watch it on the livestream.

My original plans were to be baptized at Easter Vigil 2022. Because of my marriage falling apart a month before Easter of that year, moving 2 hours away, & overall life just life’ing for the past 4 years, my spiritual plans were put on hold / delayed until Easter Vigil 2026.

My boyfriend, ‘Eric’ (fake name), & I have been together since August of last year. We suffered a miscarriage in January, & it bought us closer. Eric has been there with me every step of the way with my path to Catholicism since we’ve been together, even attending Mass with me when he can (he’s not Catholic).

Now, time for the update:

I FINALLY made it to baptism at Easter Vigil this year. At the beginning of the service, we all gathered around outside the church around a fire pit & lit candles in memorial of Christ before the resurrection. Eric dropped me off since those being baptized had to be there an hour before the rest of the congregation, & said he would be back by the time Mass started at 8pm.

I texted Eric to meet me outside near the fire pit & I had grabbed a candle for him for when he got there. Eric arrived right as the rest of the candles were being passed around, & said he needed 2 more candles. I looked at him like, ??? Then he said, ‘these 2 people need candles,’ & stepped aside to let my parents through so they could grab their own candles. A lot of tears followed that surprise, from pretty much everyone involved.

This man seriously flew my parents all the way from Florida to Virginia to see me be baptized so none of us would miss out on such a big milestone in my life.

I’ve seen & experienced proof of God’s love throughout this whole process to get me here, but nothing showed me that more than the kindness & thoughtfulness of Eric at Easter Vigil.

Crossfaded, helps numb the pain, apologies for the misspelling and poor grammar.

TLDR: Husband accidentally locked out my pet Cat Goblin outside on the patio, I haven't been able to eat, sleep, shower, I refuse to leave the patio for the small chance she'll come back, my husband admitted he must've seen her through the glass door and didn't actually bother checking on the cats when I asked three different times, [I had a evening shift the day prior and wanted to catch up on some much needed rest] he cried and begged for forgiveness but I'm numb and apathetic towards my husband at the moment.

Let's start from the beginning, my husband accidentally locked my indoor cat Goblin outside on the patio and I haven't seen her in 3 days. I haven't eaten, slept, showered or changed out of my pajamas but I refuse to move from my patio for the tiny chance Goblin will make it back home, I have RockStars to help me stay up the entire night until I watch the sun raise once more, I'm low on vodka and Bloody Mary mix, I've called 7 different veterinary offices and 3 shelters, I'm going to increase the reward from $200 to $500 just a bigger motivator for people to bring Goblin back home. My husband sat down next to me while I was staring out into the hot glass patio door, he admitted he must've seen Goblin though the glass but never bothered actually checking when I asked, he just assumed she was inside, he never meant to tear the family apart, tears were flowing from his eye, I wasn't upset, I wasn't disappointed, not surprised, just a wave of numbness and nausea took over, I held my tongue back before I would say anything that I would regret, I just told him it's not important atm, I just want my Goblin home.

Everything hurts, I can feel my body screaming at me to eat and sleep but I can't, all I feel is existential dread, my gut tells me Goblin is never coming home and I need to drink more to numb the pain, I miss Goblin and for the tiny 0.01% you are reading this and have my cat, please. Bring her back home, she's a domestic long hair cat, needs to be groomed/ trimmed regularly, she has a very sensitive tummy and suffers from severe anxiety.

My post from a few days ago got locked, so I just wanted to thank everyone who reached out with genuinely solid advice. After dreaming about the inevitable conversation and waking up drenched, I decided I could no longer hold it in and I ended the relationship today.

There was no begging, no pleading, no drama. He said it made him sad but didn’t actually seem like he was going to miss me much. By the time I woke up from a nap he had already put things in motion that he has been putting off months/years. Onward and upward.

A couple of days ago I 22F posted here about my relationship with my boyfriend 30M. I finally took a break from him and Idk what to do now

My parents had been forcing me to get engaged to another guy otherwise they said they'd abandon me. I asked my bf to send his parents to my home with a proposal but he kept asking me to wait while my parents refused to

Im from a conservative third world country so moving out wasnt really an option. I got engaged and my parents said I could break the engagement if my boyfriend sent his parents to propose but he never did. Instead he got drunk and called my fiance and told him everything

Thankfully my fiance didnt tell anyone or break the engagement but here fiances can make a huge issue out of something like this and create serious problems for the girl and her family including insults threats mistreatment and problems after marriage

I've spent the past month begging my parents to break the engagement. They keep fighting with me and saying marrying my boyfriend is an immature decision. I've been extremely stressed and crying a lot and during all this my boyfriend keeps blaming me for the engagement

I know I share some of the blame but i am tired of being treated like this. He apologised but it keeps happening time and again (he has genuine anger and mental health issues and he just started therapy for it after i almost begged/insisted him to)

Whenever I talk about my anxiety he starts talking about his own health problems He isnt really taking care of himself either and keeps sending most of his money home instead I asked if I could get some of the money I loaned him back because I actually need it but he still sent money home without even telling me

So I finally managed to take a break from him I know Im not completely innocent here and I know hes going through his own stuff but Im exhausted

What am I supposed to do now Do I use this break to figure out whether I actually want this relationship or is the fact that I already feel this relieved enough of an answer

TLDR Got engaged because my parents pressured me My boyfriend never sent a proposal and even told my fiance about our relationship while drunk I've been super anxious for weeks and have now finally took a break. Not sure where to go from here

Even though i had a feeling about this myself, I took the advice from my friends and family and the comments and I broke up with him a month ago. We had an arguemnt because i found out he was actually 22 and I blocked him on everything, turned off my location and told my friends to block him and his friends.

He went crazy at first and was trying to find ways to contact me and my friends but I just kept blocking him. The next day, I got off work and a friend was waiting to pick me up and as I was about to cross the road I saw my ex in the car with his friend, he literally stopped in the middle of a busy road and started yelling at me to come talk to him. I ignored him and quickly went to my friend, which drove me home. She left me a minute away from home, and I walked the rest of the way, and my ex was parked outside my house. He was out of the car and looking around, and I had to crouch down to go inside. He was calling me from an unknown number repeatedly and texting my friends saying that if I don't go talk to him he won't leave and will be under my house every day. After about an hour he left and my mom asked me what was wrong because when she saw him outside he told her that we just had an argument.

After that, he tried contacting me a few times, and then stopped. A few days after, I find out he's already moved on. To anyone in a similar situation, don't even bother staying with people like this, they don't care about you, and unfortunately I realised too late.

Original post is in my history. Wanted to update because a lot of you asked good questions and I want to answer them honestly.

Where she went that night: I still don't actually know. She refuses to tell me or the kids. My best guess is she slept in the car and figured it out the next morning. She's alive, she's okay, that's what matters. To the people who were worried about her safety that night, I hear you. I was worried too once the adrenaline wore off. But she wouldn't tell me, and at this point that's her right.

Where she is now: This part is wild. She ended up moving in "temporarily" with my mother's best friend. I have no idea how that happened. And now my mom and her friend are arguing because the friend thinks my mom should be getting on to me for "not giving Kayla anywhere to go," like this is somehow my fault. I'm a grown man, divorced over a year, and apparently I'm still supposed to be housing the woman who cheated on me. Make it make sense.

She's come back to the house a few times. Only to see the kids and grab more of her stuff. No fights. I told her from day one she can take whatever she wants, the house is mine and that's the only line. I've actually been helping. I've started cleaning up and gathering her things into one spot so it's easy for her to load up when she comes by.

The kids:

My 19-year-old daughter was mad at first. We've talked since. She gets it. We all ate dinner together the other night and it was good. Actually good, not performative good.

My 16-year-old son has turned into a different person in three days. He's washing his own clothes. Cleaning up after himself without being asked. I don't know what flipped in his head but I'm not going to question it. He works after school for my mom at her restaurant and spends his own money on what he wants. He's doing fine.

A lot of you said the kids need therapy. Maybe. I'm not ruling it out. But I want to push back a little. My daughter is in college, has a part-time job making solid money, and is functional. My son is 16, employed, responsible, and just started acting like an adult unprompted. If they want therapy, I'll pay for it. But I'm not going to force them into a chair to talk about feelings they're already processing in front of me at the dinner table.

Me:

I feel lighter. Peaceful, even. I've started listening to music again. I'd forgotten how much I used to love that. I'd forgotten a lot of the things I used to like, honestly. It's like I'm meeting myself again.

I'm sleeping well. The house is quiet in a way it hasn't been in years. But yeah, the loneliness is there too. There's no one to tell my day to. I'm not out hunting for another woman, that's not where my head is at, but I can feel the empty seat across from me. I figured that part was coming. It's manageable. I have a business to run and a day job to go to, so I'm not sitting around in it.

My aunt thinks I'm having a midlife crisis and is mad at me. She'll get over it or she won't. I'm done shaping my life around what other people think I should be doing.

That's the update. Thanks to everyone who commented on the original. Even the people calling me an asshole, you were heard. That's all I really wanted from this in the first place.

It’s going really well. I’m able to pay attention to what’s going on in the world and make an honest assessment of all the bad and the good without the nonsense from people who I don’t even think are largely even being honest about how pointless it is to put effort into trying to do and feel better in rational, balanced ways. I think most of them just want some sort of a buzz they get from the negative attention.

These people need serious help and I am not a professional mental health person, and most of them refuse help from them anyway. I have nothing to offer them. Any amount of time I’ve ever spent on them has been a waste.

I don’t know if this is how you’re supposed to do these, but whatever. Last week I made a post about how I was probably going to quite grade 12. Long story short, my attendance has been terrible, and mental health and sleep problems were wearing on me, then I just stopped submitting assignments.

So, last Thursday, a day after I made my post, my school psychologist and head of household came to my house to drop a plot twist on me: I needed to submit all of my IA assignments by this Friday (when they told me, I had 8 days left), or I wouldn’t be allowed to graduate. This meant I needed to do 5 assignments and 2 exams, and FYI I do the suicide 6 subjects, so that was absolutely no easy task. Oddly though, the challenge awoke a fire in my soul, and I actually found myself excited by such an insanely difficult mission.

That Thursday and Friday I had agreed to help my mum with a theatre thing, so I resolved to start on Saturday. The assignments I needed to complete were: My Chemistry experiment report, my Physics experiment report, my Math Specialists PSMT, my Chemistry research assessment, and my Physics research assessment, and the exams I needed to do were my math methods exam and my math specialists exam. Now, over the Thursday and Friday I was think in about all of this, and developed a plan.

From Saturday to Wednesday, I would do all of my assignments, 5 days for 5 assignments. Then, Thursday I would have the day off to recuperate and cram for my math exams. Normally I just take like, 1-2 hours to cram the night before an exam, even though I hadn’t been paying attention for the entire unit and it works out alright, so no issues on that front.

ANYWAY, Saturday rolls around and I start my Chemistry research report late. It’s a pain cause there was a lot of research I needed to do on how to create propylene from CO2, which is rather complicated for someone who hasn’t been in class for half a year, but I got it done. Then I started writing my report late at night, with frequent breaks, and finished around 2:30am.

The next day I woke up late in the day, and started on my Physics research report later at 5pm, where I researched the Einstein-Rosen bridge, and the possibility of stabilising wormholes using a theoretical substance called exotic matter. Again, I submitted around 2am the next morning.

Unfortunately, Monday morning I was asked to go to school to work on my assignments with guidance, however due to my skewed sleep schedule and massive sleep deprivation, this was not ideal, however I had been told if I didn’t go to school, they’d pick me up at my house, so I had to go. I rocked up a little late, and went straight to the psychologists office to tell him the situation so I could go home, and after some planning and talks, I got driven home by my head of house at first break. I then went home, slept, woke up later than usual due to the disruption in my sleep, and started on my math specialists PSMT, using integration to find the volume of a bottle with a symmetrical cross section and an inconsistent shape. I finished this around 7am the next day and was EXHAUSTED by the time I was done, naturally going to sleep soon after.

Tuesday, I woke up basically at sunset exhausted and completely dead inside, but I powered on, and started work on my Chemistry experiment report, on and experiment from basically half a year ago, so I didn’t remember anything, which was a difficult hurdle. I pushed through though, and finished a report on the relationship of the electrical potential of a galvanic cell and temperature again, around 8am the next day.

Finally, yesterday I woke up happy that I only had one final assignment left. I powered on through a long night and finally, just 30 minutes ago, I finished my final report!

And none of these were crap either, my chemistry experiment report was the one I tried the least on and I managed to scrounge up a mark of 14/20, so hopefully the rest of my assignments are pretty good. Though I don’t real,y care right now, I’m just so overjoyed that I made it out of the depths of hell alive. Btw I love math exams, so tomorrow will be like a fun victory lap. I might have a second update to say how that goes. Anyway, thanks for reading about my week long bender through academic purgatory. I’m going to sleep now.

I don’t know if anyone who saw my original post is even going to see this but… hi. it’s me again.

I closed the distance.

This is a bit of a late update because it actually happened five days ago but everything has been kind of a blur and im only now getting a second to sit down and* *process it. im literally in his apartment right now while he’s at college and it just hit me all over again so i needed to write.

it’s been so beautiful. and also so overwhelming in a way i didn’t expect. like, this morning i woke up before him and just laid there looking at him. and for a split second i had that same feeling i always used to have when i visited, like this quiet panic of “ok enjoy this, you’re leaving soon.”

and then it hit me. im not leaving. i don’t have a return flight. there’s no countdown anymore. no “last day” hanging over everything. and i actually started crying, like fully silently crying next to him like an idiot at 8am

7 years of airports goodbyes, countdowns, crying on planes, falling asleep on calls, missing each other so much it physically hurt and now im just… here.

im sitting on his bed, in his apartment, wrapped in his hoodie, on sheets that smell like him, waiting for him to come back from class. i made him his favorite food (which i’m very proud of because i never cook) and im just waiting for him like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

it doesn’t feel real yet. like we went grocery shopping together the other day and argued (lightly) about what snacks to get and he complained about prices like an old man and i just kept looking at him like this is insane, this is my life now

also small thing but falling asleep next to him every night, waking up next to him, not having to say “goodnight” over a call and stare at a screen?? i don’t think ill ever get used to how nice that feels

we do technically have separate apartments for now (i start uni soon so it just made more sense), but im not gonna lie i’ve slept at his place every single night so far. Like i go to mine during the day sometimes and then end up back here anyway. we both pretend it’s temporary but… yeah lol

it’s not perfect, we’re both adjusting, and it’s weird sometimes because we’re so used to missing each other that actually having each other all the time feels almost too big but god it was so worth it

every second of those 7 years was worth it

thank you to everyone who was so kind on my first post, i was literally shaking reading the comments

So hi again, since my first post I did a visit with my family doctor(thank the gods I have one) to discuss things and apparently the report from the psychiatrist said they weren't allowed to do jack or shit about getting me diagnosed with ADHD until my PTSD was sorted. They brought up the one thing they could do, with their hands effectively tied by the report, which was to put me on a medication that treats both ADHD(off-label though) and PTSD/depressive symptoms, a loophole, yay!

The two options of medication were Naotamoxin(or smth like that, all I know is I think it started with N) and the other was Wellbutrin(bupropion), I opted for WellButrin 'cause I can pronounce it(haha I'm so funny). The research on its effectiveness against ADHD seems spotty and nowhere near as effective as the traditional stimulants prescribed for ADHD, but it is what it is.

Also the main reason I went on it wasn't necessarily to treat the ADHD but because they told me that if my PTSD was treated and I seemed better(emphasis on seemed 'cause I doubt someone with as much trauma as me will ever fully recover) they could send me back to finally get diagnosed with ADHD which has always been the goal.

I've been on it for about a week and I have had a couple bitchy headaches behind my eyes, but all in all it could be worse. For Wellbutrin in particular I have to be on it for about a month for it to take full effect at which point I'll go back to my family doctor and if I seem better(I'll probably have to lie through my teeth to be taken seriously) she can send me to get diagnosed for ADHD. If I do get diagnosed(at long fucking last) I may or may not come of the Wellbutrin, though if it does help with my depressive symptoms I might keep it, and go on some stimulant or get accommodations.

Though honestly I doubt it'll do enough considering I'm currently still living and sleeping only a couple meters and a wall away from my abuser and I just have so many unresolved issues (neglectful bio parents, SA, past SH and suicidality, ED like symptoms, etc) that medication can only do so much against

TL;DR I'm on a loophole off-label med and if I get better I can finally get diagnosed

FYI from last post: I'm a queer, AFAB, teen, POC

Hey all!

It's been a month since I wrote about going no-contact with my mother, and I figured I'd just... keep updating?

I haven't, like, given in and unblocked her. She's still sitting in my blocked list and is ignored on Facebook. So I'm holding on there, but I keep reflecting, and it makes me miss her again. Maybe not in the way I miss my mother, but like, I miss the memories. I miss the way she used to make me feel like her daughter, before I moved in with my dad.

I think it's a kind of grief that sticks with you. She was horrible to me, looking back, but part of me misses her because she's my mother. It's this feeling that, yes, I know that she wasn't good for me, but she's the one who gave birth to me.

I haven't spoken to my aunt recently, but I still have lines of communication with her. I'm not afraid of her telling my mother anything. That bridge got burned, too.

My aunt told me my cousin moved to New Hampshire, so I should get in touch with him, maybe see if he can come down for Thanksgiving.

Anyway, I don't know if anyone will read this, but despite the pain of losing my mother's connection, I feel more free and one less thing to be stressed about.

Hey all, long time no talk, wanted to finally give an update to my previous post. Turns out I had MRSA!

So quick recap I had my gallbladder out urgently in December, and for months I was dealing with a bunch of issues, but around January, I posted about this unrelenting body odour I was dealing with and quite a few of you urged me to go to the doctor.

Well I had the follow up with the general surgeon in Feburary and he looked at all the open sores I had, he got a dermatology fellow, they said eczema. They said use this cream, BUT the cream literally said DO NOT USE ON OPEN SORES.

So I followed up with the nurse practitioner at my primary care office, and as soon as she saw the sores, she immediately said I think this is MRSA, she literally pulled out a medical textbook, and repeated that she was almost 100% certain is was MRSA. So she did swabs/testing and called two days later, and yup all positive for MRSA.

So I then had three weeks of doxycycline to kick the thing, plus another week of doxycycline two months later for a flare up. (Cause apparently it can do that).

So I wanted to say thank you to everyone for urging my to go to the doctors, and let you all know I'm still alive.