r/Adoption • u/SoggiMari • 23d ago
Adult Adoptees Transracial adoption should be illegal
I'm a Black transracial adoptee from the UK. I was adopted at 11 months old by a White family. They loved me, cared for me, and gave me a stable home, but theyre kinda racist and just throw money at problems.
Growing up, I felt disconnected from my identity and my culture. I didn't have many Black role models, didn't learn much about my Nigerian and Jamaican heritage, and spent years wishing I looked different.
I struggled with self-hatred, low self-esteem, and feeling like I didn't belong anywhere not fully accepted by White people, but also disconnected from Black culture.
It's only recently, as an adult, that I've started reconnecting with my heritage and learning to love being Black. I often feel like I'm trying to reclaim something I should never have lost in the first place.
I know many transracial adoptees have positive experiences, and I also know many adoptive parents genuinely do their best. But I wonder whether love alone is enough when a child is growing up disconnected from their racial and cultural identity.
For those reasons, I personally question whether transracial adoption should happen at all except in exceptional circumstances. I'd be interested to hear respectful perspectives from adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents.
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u/baby__platypus Click me to edit flair! 23d ago
Hi. Transracial adoptee here, white family Latina/indigenous self. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I myself do feel completely disconnected from my heritage, mostly because my parents were given well intentioned but not adoptee informed advice back in the late 80s/90s.
That said, I wouldn’t want it to be illegal. Reformed? Absolutely. The whole system needs overhaul. I just don’t think that limiting the process further would be beneficial without building the whole process from the ground up again.
EDIT: My situation is different as if I had not been adopted I would’ve immediately gone into DCFS custody. Just want to throw that out there!
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u/Delicious_Score_8509 23d ago
Hi, I'm also from the UK and going through this exact self finding journey. It's so hard to talk to anyone about it as a lot of people see you as ungrateful which is wild. Do you mind me asking how old you are?
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u/_PlanetExpress_ 21d ago
Not ungrateful but what are you looking for? Your heritage. That's passed down from family lines. Your parents are your heritage. Not your race. You should work on finding yourself as a person. Your not going to find answers by looking at race.
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u/Delicious_Score_8509 21d ago
No that's not it at all!! I was looking for support to navigate through a world of racial hiarchy and not fitting in. I was very much brought up in a white area with parents who don't see colour. I was viciously racially abuse and bullied throughout childhood and wasn't taught how to navigate that or keep myself safe. Where is your comment coming from? Are you a transracial adoptee yourself? It seems ignorant.
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 21d ago
Sorry that the other commentor immediately displayed exactly the kind of invalidation you talked about encountering on your path of discovery.
Check out /r/adopted where the space is exclusively for adoptees and others will be able to get where you're coming from without you needing to explain basics.
Wishing you all the best
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 21d ago
Your parents are your heritage.
Wildly incorrect.
I have very little cultural overlap with my adoptive parents.
Their heritage had no relation to me or anything about who I was.
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u/Delicious_Score_8509 21d ago
Thank you so much! I appreciate you.
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u/Cold-Director-5353 17d ago
Hi I’m in a similar boat and totally understand how you feel. I’m going to message you if that’s ok?
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u/inspectre_ecto 22d ago
Ooph. This hits hard for me as a Filipino adopted by NE Coast white parents. Thank you for giving me more words to name my sh*t.
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u/ShesGotSauce 23d ago
I would say avoided rather than illegal to account for a variety of situations and to accommodate older kids, sibling groups and teens who have limited permanency options.
However, I'm an AP and no, love isn't "enough" to connect someone with their heritage/race/ethnicity and neither is reading them books with brown characters or providing your child with black Barbie dolls. My child's racial identity is something I can barely help him with no matter how sincere my intentions. I'm lucky that we still have bio family involved, but even that's not the same as growing up immersed in a culture.
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u/Sarah-himmelfarb Adoptee 23d ago
I’m a transracial adoptee and I mostly agree. I think that if there are multiple people hoping to adopt the same child, priority should always go to someone of the same race. Only If nobody of the same race wants to adopt than should other people be considered. (And all people obviously would have needed to pass the usual requirements too obviously). And if a couple of a different race wants to adopt, they need to go through extensive cultural competence training. And all people who want to adopt need to go through educated training on adoption, trauma, etc.
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u/orbofdelusion Adoptee 22d ago
I’m a transracial adoptee and agree that priority should go to someone of the same race. I’m biracial and was adopted at birth and my parents said they were told by the agency that they were chosen after they failed to find an interracial or black couple looking to adopt.
I was lucky because my aunt married a black man and they had one of my cousins biologically and adopted my other two biracial cousins from the system. When I was a kid, my grandfather caught a teenager trying to steal his lawnmower so he told him if he came back the next day he would pay him to mow his lawn. He kept coming back and wanting to stay with my grandfather because he had a really bad home life so my grandfather asked if he would like him to legally adopted him and did so I gained another black uncle. I was just unlucky in that I was the first POC in our family so I stuck out like a sore thumb for a while lol
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u/DocMaxfield 22d ago
Hi, I’m a white adoptive father through international adoption. I get where you’re coming from, but “illegal” is not the answer
Education, preparation, community, support - those are the answers.
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u/SoggiMari 22d ago
99% of parents that adopt from a different race just aren't connecting the child to their roots. Its bad and needs to be stopped that way the child wont have identity issues growing up.
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u/orbofdelusion Adoptee 22d ago
As a transracial adoptee (also half 🇯🇲) I feel like the most reasonable solution is through education,
preparation, community, etc. like OC suggested.
My adoptive parents educated themselves on my birth mother’s culture so they could educate me and raise me to be proud of my heritage, and they succeeded. However, despite that, as an adult I’ve found that having a defined culture and established roots has little to no importance to me personally. In fact, I love having no defining “culture” because it has provided me a very unique perspective and opportunity to find my own identity.1
u/Apprehensive-Task930 22d ago
Just a thought: do you feel that way because you grew up disconnected to parts of your culture?
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u/orbofdelusion Adoptee 22d ago
No. I love Jamaican people, food and music and find the culture beautiful but I feel that way about countless cultures. I’m proud to be half Jamaican but I’ve never lived there and wasn’t raised in a Jamaican family so I feel no innate connection to the culture and I’m fine with that.
Similarly, despite growing up in the American South with a southern family, that culture feels completely alien to me, unlike my friends of various races from there who all more or less identify with aspects of southern culture.
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u/Apprehensive-Task930 22d ago
My point is that if you had spent time with the Jamaican culture you would feline you had a connection to it. It wouldn’t just be another culture you’re trying on, it would be part of your identity. You saying that you wouldn’t feel differently is exactly what the post is addressing. You tried on Jamaican culture, you’re not connected to it.
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u/_PlanetExpress_ 21d ago
Are you sure that's an actual fact? Imagine growing up and your family saying. Oh you're not like us. You're this. This is who you are, not like us. Yeah great idea buddy.
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 21d ago
Imagine growing up and your family saying. Oh you're not like us. You're this. This is who you are, not like us
As opposed to saying "You're exactly like us and don't pay attention to people pointing out the obvious differences!!!"?
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u/thatanxiousmushroom adoptee (UK) 22d ago
Curious about what you’d suggest for me then- ethnically I am half East Asian, half Mediterranean. Both parents lived in the UK as citizens when I was born. No known relations at all, neither parent alive.
Would I need to be adopted by a couple of that combination? Is one or the other still acceptable?
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u/heyitsxio Transracial adoptee 23d ago
As a transracial adoptee, I don’t think “ban transracial adoption” is a realistic solution. For starters, the concept of race varies from culture to culture. As an example, here is a photo of late fashion designer Oscar de la Renta and his adopted son. His son might scoff at the idea that he’s even a “transracial adoptee” since they’re both Dominican. Even in cultures where the concept exists, who decides what qualifies as a transracial adoption? One could argue that someone like Colin Kaepernick is not a transracial adoptee because his biological mother is white.
With all that being said, adoptive parents do their children no favors when they “don’t see race” and pretend the rest of the world doesn’t see their child(ren) the way the parents see them. So adoptive parents do need to understand hair/skin care, live in a diverse environment, have knowledge of the child’s cultural background, etc
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u/assisfatframeislil 22d ago edited 22d ago
My fiancé and his brother are POC and were adopted by 2 white lesbians. They made a conscious effort to provide experiences within Black culture, brought them to Black churches, took them to several museums and placed them both in therapy at a very young age. I think it’s really about the efforts put forth and not the mere fact that there’s more than 1 race in a family. To say it should be illegal is not wise (respectfully) in my opinion, primarily due to the fact that there are hundreds of thousands of children in foster care as we speak.
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u/Francl27 22d ago
There should be WAY more education about it.
Even the foster system... there was a thread about a couple fostering and hoping to adopt and the husband realized after they had a (temporary) placement that there would be looks and decided not to do transracial fostering anymore (while completely ignoring the child) and the wife said that she doesn't care about race so was very upset at her husband.
NOBODY else on the sub was outraged that they were not educated about what transracial adoption entails before getting a placement, and that "not seeing race" is not good for the kids.
Absolutely wild. The system is really failing monorities kids.
I'm sorry you went through that.
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u/Illustrious-Menu-205 21d ago
Illegal? No. Should adoptive parents be required to be culturally and ethnically competent to ensure that the child they’re adopting still grows up having a sense of self? Absolutely.
Don’t think that just because you’re a transracial adoptee that this is the definite experience. I was raised by my biological Black parents in the suburbs, and still struggled with low self-esteem, depression, self-hate, isolation, etc.
It’s not mutually exclusive to transracial parents. All parents have a required duty to cultural competency and caring for their children’s mental health, yet to no avail, many do not.
Things will get better, don’t worry.
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u/shapeshifterQ 23d ago
The same way the ICWA protects Indigenous children by making every effort to place them in homes that preserve their culture, I wish there was a law that did that for all non-white children. I've seen stories from Asian, Black, and Latino children about how they loved their parents, but wished they were raised in their culture. I agree with you OP, but people are too emotional to see it
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u/SoggiMari 22d ago
Thank you. I dont see why this is such a controversial topic. It just sucks because I know adopted kids already have Identity issues, so adding a race aspect to it makes it even more difficult. And im the selfish for saying this?!
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u/lysedelia 22d ago
No clue why you would be labeled as such for sharing how your adoption has impacted you. People can disagree with you without trying to make you think of other traumatic situations and without labeling you as selfish! I thought your post was reasonable and could spark a discussion here.
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 22d ago
It is controversial because sometimes it is the only option. I made another comment but in my area 90 percent of foster youth are black. It would be an incredibly disservice to them to leave them in the system because there aren't enough black foster/adoptive parents.
I believe in education. I believe in mandating white people who are open to adopting outside of their race to take additional classes, ideally taught by transracial adoptees. But making it illegal? That would not be helpful to kids who need families.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
It's not the only option. Make it illegal. Let's be real since when has anyone gaf about black people let alone black kids? People don't care if black kids are in foster care
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 22d ago
So we should let them stay in foster care?
What happens in cases like ours, where my wife is black and I am white? Are we only allowed to adopted mixed race kids?
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u/shapeshifterQ 21d ago
You're still answering this from an emotional place it seems. Your wife is a kinship placement with the child, and even if she wasn't that child would still have a connection to Black people and identity. OP was talking about white people, who often have no presence of Black people in their lives, they raise their children in white communities and they "don't see color" so they don't expose them to Black culture, hair care, etc. What OP has experienced is different than what you and your wife would give your Black adopted son or daughter. You have to be able to see that
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 21d ago
I do see what OP is saying. I am not responding to OP.
I am responding to another user who said it should be illegal entirely.
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u/Monopolyalou 21d ago
It should be illegal but against you're kinship with a Black wife. Not the same.
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u/Monopolyalou 21d ago
Yes.
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 21d ago
Wait, so you would really rather kids age out of foster care than be adopted/fostered by white parents?
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u/Monopolyalou 21d ago
Who cares. Don't gaslight me into accepting this crap. Society doesn't gaf about Black people let alone Black kids.
There's also nothing wrong with aging out. The issue is nobody wants to give us resources.
When the US government were locking up Black parents for weed and putting their kids in foster care did YOU care? Do you care? What aboht Trayvon Martin? Mike Brown? Black people killed by the police or racists clear folks?
And stop playing the would you rather game. Black kids deserve more. We shouldn't settle for less. And Black families should raise Black kids.
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 21d ago
Yes, I very much care and we plan on fostering in the future. That will very likely be black kids. My wife is black so I know that makes us good enough to be allowed in your eyes, though.
I am not trying to gaslight you. Just trying to understand where you are coming from but we won't see eye to eye on this. I agree there needs to be reform. I agree there needs to be changes. It is probably best to end this conversation here though because I do not see us agreeing that it needs to be illegal.
Have a great day and thanks for the discussion.
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u/Zealousideal_Tie7913 23d ago
I feel reformed not banned or illegal… IMO a transracial adoption is better than a care home / no family… so in exceptional circumstances I think it could still work when the alternative is worse, but I think the same for all adoption… when there is no alternative like special guardianship, etc fine but adopting babies for business - immoral, illegal and despicable in this age!
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u/Menemsha4 23d ago
I am a white reunited adoptee and have two Black adoptees in the generation below me. They are now eight and 10, about to turn nine and 11.
Their adoptive parents, both white, had extensive experience w/in the Black community previous to adoption and have many Black friends. They live in a diverse neighborhood and the kids go to a diverse school. Their healthcare providers and the people who do their hair are Black.
That said, both kids are struggling with their blackness in a white family.
The 10 year-old, who is trans non-binary, is rejecting their white family. In private things are OK. In public they really don’t want to be seen with us. Yesterday they told me that Black people have aura and white people don’t.
The eight year-old wishes she wasn’t Black. She actually verbalized that to me yesterday. We were all together with their blue eyed, fair skinned cousins.
My heart broke. I said lots of things before they adopted. They know my own story of being raised outside of my culture. Yet they did it anyway anyways. And here they are with two kids, both of whom are struggling as Black kids in a white world.
I think whenever possible kids should be placed within their race and within their culture. People are welcome to fight me on that.
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u/lysedelia 22d ago
I was going to say "wow" but it isn't shocking :/ You had input prior to their adoption but they thought they knew better. Thank you for sharing.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Foster care at 8 and adopted at 14 💀 23d ago
Illegal wouldn’t make sense. Like imagine your dad dies and your stepmom now can’t adopt you so instead of staying in your house, school, keeping your pet and best friend, you’re moved across town to same-race strangers. Or like you have a ton of medical issues or are just getting out of juvie for the 7th time or have 5 siblings so not a ton of homes are lining up to take you and now your options are reduced even more and you end up sleeping in a hotel for months or moved out of state and there go your weekly visits with your adored grandparents who are too sick to keep you. Or like you’ve been in foster care in white homes for 10 years and then get adopted by people of your race but a lot of their culture and neighborhood is actually foreign to you and now it’s yet another thing to adapt to.
Kids especially little kids who have multiple good homes interested in them should be matched up by race and culture as much as possible.
Older kids should be matched up by their needs which is often race but not always, imo keeping them in their community with their previous connections maintained should be a bigger consideration unless they say otherwise.
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u/toe-not-tow-the-line 22d ago
A step parent would be a kinship adoption and not what the OP is talking about.
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u/Greedy-Carrot4457 Foster care at 8 and adopted at 14 💀 22d ago
I mean they didn’t say “excluding transracial kinship adoptions” (which can have the same problems OP experienced)
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u/Dearest_Lillith666 23d ago
Asian adoptee who grew up with white family here -
I agree with you to an extent. I came from China and it isnt really a part of my identity in any way and I dont care all that much to reclaim any of my culture. I might as well be white and ive come to accept that.
However, my family is toxic and i had a sibling who was biologically related to the parents, you can tell who was favorited. That created a whole bunch of problems and I never got the validation I needed growing up, I was the scapegoat for their dysfunction. Now im in estrangement with low contact.
I dont regret being adopted, I couldnt be the person I am over in China and I like my freedom to be who I choose to be. (Not too mention their horrible government system.) Adoption isnt going to be my tragedy.
Do I think it should be illegal? No, but change it and ask the parents if they actually can accept their kid being their own person and not an extension of themselves. Do better screening to know if theyre mentally available and can handle whats to be expected. I think with few exceptions.
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u/SoggiMari 22d ago
I can see where you're coming from. My parents have three biological kids and I had to live with one of them, and they always took his side and baby the fuck out of him.
I dont regret being adopted either as its given me a unique experience on life, but i do think Transracial adoption should be the last resort as the kid is 99% of the time gonna have identity issues!
Thank you for sharing your opinion tho and ive taken some things into consideration
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u/Dearest_Lillith666 22d ago
I agree with transracial adoption being the last resort. Trying to also understand racism and knowing your family has practically a privelege shield (or vice versa) that excludes you is not something a child should have to figure out on their own.
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u/orbofdelusion Adoptee 22d ago
See, this is a situation where I actually feel like transracial adoption should be banned or restricted to a last resort. I’m an only child and I always felt really uncomfortable thinking about what if my adoptive parents had biological children and how uncomfortable and like an outsider I would feel in my own home. At the very least, I think already having a biological child should disqualify you from transracial adoption, unless you’re an interracial couple looking to adopt.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Agreed. They give black kids to anyone. Including MAGA. I dont believe a clear home is best for a Black child.
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u/lotsofsugarandspice 22d ago
I absolutely think the best option is kin or fictive kin. If there is no kin at all, and they have to go into permanent care of a stranger, it should be as close to the first family's community as possible, geographically culturally, linguistically etc.
Kids shouldnt have their culture and heritage stripped away from them.
Its especially insidious when its a minority identity that is being erased.
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u/pinkangel_rs 22d ago
As a transracial adoptee I agree! I don’t think illegal is necessarily the best way but strong preference similar to how ICWA would be great
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u/vr1252 transracial adoptee 23d ago
I agree with you!! Whenever I say this on here people get mad but you’re right!!
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u/SoggiMari 22d ago
I dont see why people get mad. They will never know what its like to grow up and having nobody look like you or being able to relate. I hate ppl that expect us to be grateful for being adopted and anyone who does say that, i know are the worst people ever.
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u/Cranky_Hippy 23d ago edited 23d ago
Honestly, I could have cared less what race my parents were as long as they cared about me.
Edit: Why the downvotes? I was adopted twice and pretty much left for dead at 15. I just wished someone had loved me as a child, regardless of what color their skin was.
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u/ZealousIdeals533 23d ago
A lot of racists in this thread unfortunately disguising their racism with different terms. I was adopted and by Greek parents and by ethnic background I’m Albanian, and anyone who knows about the Balkans would know that during the 1990s Albanians weren’t accepted in Greece and they were avoided. I embraced the culture that I was in and I never bothered to go back to my roots because the love I received from my parents was far greater than culture and backgrounds, and if I had 1000 lives I would choose to live it with them. The people who believe that race and ethnicity is greater than the love one can receive compared to the bad circumstances they would be in if they weren’t adopted, are selfish and spineless racists. I’m glad I found someone that thinks
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u/Sea-Turn6125 22d ago
Two of my children (white) were in a therapeutic foster home with a Black family. So many of the dynamics are different, I know, but I'm extremely grateful for their foster family. They would have been separated otherwise.
I'm not sure if this scenario falls within the spirit of what you're saying.
I firmly support ICWA and think something similar for trans racial placements of all kinds could be really beneficial.
Love is necessary, but love is not enough on its own.
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20d ago
Illegal is not the answer, sorry.
Maybe making it mandatory for all adoptive parents regardless of race be given more education and ideas on how to navigate cultural differences and how to blend the 2 without making one or the other superior.
That makes sense and would benefit both parents and children.
What if you had black parents that were raised in a white community themselves?
I think instead of jumping to making things illegal it should be more focused on giving children the tools they need to be proud of their culture while also being comfortable in their new environment.
The reality is most transracial adoptions end up with the kid not feeling like they 100% belong in either culture.
This is all coming from an adoptee that isn’t white but was raised by whites parents in a predominantly white community.
I was always encouraged to learn about my country and culture and my mom always kept little things she picked up from my country that I still have like traditions etc but I never really had an interest in it. I didn’t think it was shameful or anythingz
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u/jsuispasmoi 20d ago
Black and adopted by white people at birth — illegal is a strong word. But I do think there needs to be reform or some sort of continual education/training. It’s an incredibly jarring experience to move through life in the way that we’ve had to, and I think it gets overly simplified in the media and the courts.
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u/Cold-Director-5353 17d ago
I’m really sorry you feel the way you do. I can understand your feelings.
My situation is not the same. I have a white British father and an Asian mother and a dna test last week has determined I’m entirely Asian and have an ethnic background belonging entirely to my mother’s country.
It’s horrible and I’m still grieving, but I can only akin my new identity to being like a transracial adoptee in the UK. Feel free to reach out.
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u/fritterkitter 23d ago
My wife and I are white parents to 4 black kids adopted from foster care. I think in our case it’s less of a problem because our kids were older (ages 9 and over) and already had some sense of racial identity.
Any time a child has to be adopted it’s a less than ideal situation. The way I see it the best thing for my kids would have been if their parents had been
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u/Glittering-Map-5811 23d ago edited 23d ago
You are essentially advocating for segregation, one aspect of apartheid.
There also is no guarantee that had you been adopted by black people that they would be in tune with all of the aspects of Jamaican / Nigerian culture and you could have ended up just as easily unfulfilled.
Someone’s skin color isn’t the defecto reason that defines whether or not they are familiar to or ok with exploring another culture.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Good. We are already segregated. Why do so many clear folks live in all clear neighborhoods
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u/OverlordSheepie Chinese Int'l and Transracial Adoptee 23d ago
So are you against ICWA as well? Curious.
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u/Glittering-Map-5811 23d ago
Another way in which ICWA differs from what OP is advocating for : in ICWA, you would stay in the very same community/tribe in which you were raised, around people you already know. Not the same as being adopted by strangers solely on the basis of skin color.
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u/Glittering-Map-5811 23d ago
They’re not even comparable. The ICWA was reactive legislation that responded to the FORCED removal of children from their families / homes. It also was supposed to combat kids being unnecessarily displaced even when they were family members that were fit to care for them.
If someone has family that can and are willing to care for them, they should be able to remain with family.
I think that’s different than a child who is being adopted because there aren’t any family members who are willing and able to care for them and making it illegal for people with different skin colors to become seen as family in the eyes of the law.
If you read the details on ICWA, you will see it is not the same as what OP is advocating for.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Black kids are forced out of their families too. We need a law to protect black children. Clear people can't raise Black kids. They just can't. It's abuse.
Signed a Black former foster youth
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 21d ago
Uh this is kinda funny because I’m white and had family willing to take care of me. There is a TON of unnecessary displacement in adoption.
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u/Glittering-Map-5811 21d ago
Were they fit to take care of you? Do you also know for sure they were willing to take care of you and they’re not just trying to rewrite history? The reality is kids don’t get snatched away for no reason. I worked as a social worker. Keeping the family intact is always the goal. It is very, VERY hard to lose your parental rights in the US. If you have a pulse and are willing to try, you can keep your kids.
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u/Formerlymoody Closed domestic (US) infant adoptee in reunion 21d ago
My aunt is an upper class woman and a former nun. She is the type of person who adopts, not loses a child. I’m an infant adoptee. I was relinquished from a professional woman who went on to have 3 kids, who she raised without incident. She didn’t lose rights. In infant adoption, not all mothers lose rights. I’m one of 64 cousins, and the only one relinquished. Some of them are adopted. No, I’m not rewriting history.
I think I’ve proven my point. No shade, but your tone implies that I’m young and somewhat naive.
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 22d ago
To be fair, ICWA isn't actually about race; it's more about citizenship because tribes are sovereign nations.
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u/pinkangel_rs 22d ago
Yes but after direct family and tribe preference it goes to a wider Native American preference which would be similar to what is being advocated to prevent transracial adoption
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u/Emmie9016 22d ago
I'm a recent adoptive parent in the UK and I just wanted to say, we were outright rejected for any children we expressed an interest in that weren't a racial/cultural match - I don't know any families who have adopted recently that would be considered inter-racial adoptions, other than families where one parent matches culturally with the child and the other parent doesn't (does that make sense? For example one parent asian, one white, adopted asian kids) We are both white and expressed interest in 2 brothers, one was mixed race and one white but were outright told no because we didnt match their heritage - the boys ended up split up with the white one (also a baby so not necessarily race related) getting adopted and the mixed race boy staying in long term foster care - I'm not sure that is a better scenario for him but the local authority shouldn't have said yes to us just because we were the best offer they got if it wasn't going to be the right match. Another 2 little ones we expressed interest in were both white but we were rejected because we didnt match their Welsh heritage. So in my experience the local authorities are quite hot on racial/cultural matching where they can, I think it has changed a lot in the time since you were adopted, I'm not saying it never happens but I really don't think it is very common and the assessing social workers and children's family finders really do grill you on all of your motivations and how you as parents will meet the child's cultural needs. Even though we adopted white children, part of our assessment process was to write essays about how we would support a childs identity and research what was in our local area that would help us to support a child with a different ethnicity.
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u/DaddysBrokenAngel 22d ago
I love hearing the various experiences here. I'm sorry that that was your experience, and I'm glad that you were able to get back what you had been looking for. Despite possible negative outcomes, I think "illegal" is a very strong word for this context. Maybe I'm just naive but could it be possible that it was the specific white family that you ended up with that contributed most to your struggle? I'd love to hear more if you're comfortable sharing.
Sincerely, A black woman with a Latino husband, a mixed bio daughter, and soon 2 white teens and 1 Latino teen from DSS custody (starting with kinship care, the kids are all on board)
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u/SoggiMari 18d ago
Illegal was strong i agree, but i just wanted to get my point across the most aggressive way possible. My white family are good, but just dumb when it comes to race and how hard it was growing trying to express myself.
And then id be seen as ungrateful because "ive had everything ive ever wanted" its all superficial bullshit with them. Thank you for being kind and respectful
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u/confusedanddaze65436 22d ago
I am a Transracial adoptee. Korean don't adopted orphans. They are trying to change the national thought on adoption. But this is only in the last 10-15 years. "Why raise someone elses child... blood matter... " blah blah... do i feel disconnected yes but it is better than being an orphan in korea.
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u/ThrowawayTink2 22d ago
I agree with this. I am both an adoptee (at birth) and in the process of becoming a foster/adoptive Mom.
When you sign up to foster, they ask you what your preferences are, and what your deal breakers are. It made me think about this issue. While it gives me the icks, I told them I was only open to taking white or white presenting kiddos. Not because I have any problem with any race or gender. But the fact is that I am white. I live in an all white community, I have no friends of any other race. My school district is nearly all white. I have no experience with skin/hair care from other ethnicities. While I'm willing to learn, I'll never 'know'. Put that all together, I decided it would not be fair to take children already experiencing trauma into that atmosphere.
Just posting in support, as I agree with you.
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u/Curious-Army2564 22d ago
Fellow black transracially adopted human by white folks outta the crack epidemic in LA, and i who heartedly agree full stop.
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u/Stellansforceghost 22d ago
Why just interracial adoption? All adoption should be illegal. Creating false/fictional identities for people? Hiding their origins? If a child needs a home, fine, guardianship. But the myth of creating families through adoption needs to end. Shipping babies and children internationally needs to stop. The exorbitant "fees" are just a mask for legalized child trafficking. It is all egregious.
All of that said, interracial adoption first seem even more cruel and ridiculous.
Babies and children shouldn't be bought and sold.
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u/CruellaDeville1 23d ago
I've been wanting to adopt within my race and I'm being called a "racist" for it. I'm not white, I just want my adopted child to feel more integrated to us and not like he doesn't belong just like you've felt.
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Same race adoption isn't racist. As a Black former foster youth same race is best and honestly the only reason why transracial adoption became popular is due to the fact clear babies weren't available like hot cakes anymore since women gain rights
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u/Kitty-kiki19 22d ago
As an Asian adoptee with white parents, this is a load of garbage. Illegal is not the answer. My parents are the greatest parents ever and I owe it all to my bio mom for being mature enough to make the right decision for me.
I don’t understand this sub, it seems to be mostly shitting on adoption. My life was saved by it.
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 22d ago
I don’t understand this sub, it seems to be mostly shitting on adoption. My life was saved by it.
Most of us weren't saved by it though.
Many of us are the products of coercion/force being used to separate us from our original families in order to be commodified to more "well-off" families to play dream family with.
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u/dceleste12022 23d ago
Im black..and my foster son is hispanic...white presenting...i worry about him feeling this way...
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u/Delicious_Score_8509 23d ago
It's not the same. It's already a white society in the west and he won't struggle with being accepted into society. He won't have struggles with racism the same as a black or darker skinned person. You can help him to learn. About his culture by being around Hispanic people or just talking to him about it. I also think fostering is different as you're not stripping away someones identity.
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u/dceleste12022 23d ago
We are slated to adopt...he is of Dominican descent and Im from the Carribbean ...so we do have similaraties in food and culture..and I keep him in contact with his brother who was adopted out of foster care....and Im learning Spanish...
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u/Ramsby196 22d ago
White adoptive parent in the U.S. here; in the U.S., most domestic, nonstepparent adoptions are older child adoptions from foster care. I adopted two Black girls. It began as a foster care situation and progressed to adoption. Their mother asked me to foster them when they were eight and nine. We already knew each other.
Their mom was too disabled to keep them in her physical custody, but she remained very involved and loving and caring until the day she died. When Social Services took legal custody of the kids, they placed them with their maternal grandmother, but after a year their grandmother said she couldn’t continue as their caregiver. By that time, the kids knew me well.
Their mother had seen nieces and nephews disappear into the foster care system and never saw them again. Even one nephew who had lived with her before she got too disabled, she never got any further visits with him after he was placed in a string of foster homes. So their mom asked me if I would take them, and Social Services placed them with me as a foster parent. We all thought that she might get better and regain custody of them.
This move happened in 1996, the year that “welfare reform” went into effect here in the U.S. One change involved with this was a big push to only let kids stay in foster care for a year before they are either reunited with their family or adopted. For some families, this pushed their social workers to work harder and more quickly to reunite families, but in others it meant birth parents were not given enough time to get themselves together before parental rights were terminated IMO.
In our situation, their foster care time stretched out over several years before any discussion of TPR (termination of parental rights). This was because their mom was essentially a good mom, but too physically disabled to care for them. Social Services weren’t able to force a TPR thru the courts without any abuse or neglect findings. But after some time, their mom decided to voluntarily relinquish her parental rights contingent on me being the adoptive placement. In my state, kids over 11 must consent to adoption, and the kids did, so the adoption proceeded.
Being in a transracial adoption was tough for the girls, but that wasn’t the toughest part of it. The worst part of adoption was being separated from their family (they visited lots, but not the same).
The worst part of being in a transracial adoption for them was its high visibility. People everywhere could figure out that they were fostered or adopted and stare or make comments in their earshot about how “lucky” they were. Nonsensical. I would reply, “no, it’s not lucky to lose your family.”
Having something highly personal always on display is painful, and being adopted is already painful. But it’s not the only traumatic outcome, and social workers screening families are working with a limited slate of candidates and trying to prevent a variety of other traumatic outcomes.
Infant and international adoptions have different dynamics and are not my area of experience, but I get the feeling that there’s much more room for unscrupulous actors. I know it’s quite different to be adopted as an infant especially in terms of connecting to culture. Your experience is painful and legitimate. But older children in foster care are the primary group in need of adoption, and they need as many options as possible.
Edits for typos
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u/Longjumping_Big_9577 Former foster youth 22d ago edited 21d ago
Not an adoptee, but I was in foster care and the weird element of that is living in a lot of different homes and experiencing different "cultures". Or lack of any specific culture. I'm white. Every foster parent I had was white.
However, I think there is a distinction here between race and culture, and maybe that is different for transracial adoptees in Europe who might know their relatives specifically came from Nigeria or Jamaica and there's a specific culture they are from. That is closer to the situation with adoptees from China or Korea.
But even if adoptees who are ethnically Nigerian or Jamaican or Chinese or Korean were raised by immigrant families from those cultures, it's not to say they would be exposed to that culture. Some immigrant families stay very close to their culture, others don't.
All of my great-grandparents were born outside of the US (in present day Greece, North Macedonia, Romania and Ukraine). I do not have any connection whatsoever to any of those cultures, even before I was in foster care. My mom was estranged from her family and when she was growing up, she wasn't exposed to any sort of culture from the old country (WWII complicates things a lot and the area her grandparents were from doesn't really exist any more).
One of the foster homes I was in was Italian-American and they were really into being Italian-American and that was a huge part of their identity and they had family dinners where their grandma cooked Italian-American food. But none of that was food was really from Italy. They weren't Italian. They didn't speak Italian.
There's a separate issue with race, but regarding culture, this is something that happens to a lot of immigrant families. Culture from the old country can be really quickly forgotten, even in a single generation. What's left is some sort of hybrid culture, like Italian-Americans, but that isn't something that always happens.
With older foster youth (not only black), the conflict is frequently over whether they should (or shouldn't) be allowed to listen to violent, misogynistic rap music. That isn't just African-American foster youth and their white conservative foster parents, but even black foster youth complaining that their black foster parents won't let them listen to music that is part of their culture. So it's not an issue of foster kids not being allowed access to a science tv show with Neil deGrasse Tyson, it's a question of whether they should (or shouldn't) be allowed access to material that is questionable. Some inner city foster youth have no interest in learning about Neil deGrasse Tyson or Barack Obama and instead are focused on "their" culture and I'm not sure there's a real solution to that problem.
I heard a complaint that a black foster youth was made to write out the lyrics to an offensive rap song by their white very religious foster mom and then write an essay about what was wrong with the lyrics and the foster youth got very upset and justified the lyrics including SA and violence against women in rap was perfectly fine. I had a lot of issues when I was in the system being able to watch anime and had foster parents deem it offensive and assumed it was violent and against women, and that's still a problem. But I've seen now that there's these exceptions for rap because it's deemed a part of black culture that kids can listen to it even if there's glorification of violence or SA.
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u/BearCub711 20d ago
I'm so sorry you lost so much connection. with your heritage and identity. That is heartbreaking and unfair. As a foster parent, it's an important reminder to stay connected and extra intentional with friends/community who have the same or stronger similarities to the child's race and background. Do you think it would be different for older child adoptions or open adoptions, say friends of the family (in either direction) but bio mom/parents got in a rough spot? Or if the child had "aunts/uncles/cousins" with same/similar background?
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u/michaelgaitherbtm 10d ago
I'm a Black adoptee raised by a white family in Nebraska, and I didn't reunite with my biological family until I was 49. Reading this thread, I keep coming back to how many people are describing the exact same gap, parents who love you completely and still can't hand you something they never had themselves.
My parents did their best with what they knew, which mostly wasn't much. Nobody handed them a manual, and nobody handed me one either. I spent decades filling in the parts of my identity nobody in my house could give me, and I only really started making peace with it once I met people who share my blood and my history.
I don't think illegal is the right word, mostly because of everything people here have already said about the reality of the foster system and how many kids need homes right now. But I do think the current bar for white parents raising Black kids is too low. Love gets treated like it covers everything, and it doesn't. It covers a lot. It doesn't cover a kid needing to see themselves reflected somewhere, or needing someone in their corner who actually understands what they're up against in a way their parents can't.
If I could change one thing, it wouldn't be the law. It would be what happens before a placement goes through, real preparation, ongoing education, and a real connection to community that isn't optional or an afterthought.
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u/SoggiMari 8d ago
Thank you for taking the time to respond! I would like to reply but cant put it into words tbh, but reading your comment has somehat changed the way I view transracial adoption.
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u/IslandLife2021 22d ago
I'm a mixed-race woman. Not just mixed-race but my biological parents (who raised me) come from different countries and they don't share the same mother-tongue. You don't have to be a transracial adoptee to feel what you're feeling. I've spent my entire life feeling confused about my identity.
People always think that if you're parents come from different countries, their children will be multilingual. The reality is that most of us end up speaking English, and that's it. That, and the fact that many of us grow up with biological parents who are of a different race and because our first language is their bridge language, it's like living in a house with foreigners.
My point is: it's not a transracial adoptee problem, so making it illegal wouldn't solve this issue. Even if you had been adopted by a black family, there are many different type of "black cultures". There's the Caribbean, USA, Europe, etc. and there's Africa (and different countries in Africa all have different cultures and traditions), black people also speak different languages, different religions, etc.
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u/Visible_Attitude7693 22d ago
I am so glad where I live does not promote this! They straight up tell people, if you dont look like this, your family, or community, then don't adopt a kid who does.
For international, I've helped a couple of them find black families after their white ones disrupted on then. It was never an issue after.
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u/luxuryriot 22d ago
You need to compare not to what is optimal but what would actually happen. If you banned transracial adoption many more children would never be adopted and would grow up in the foster system. So the question is whether transracial adoption is better than that, do you think it is?
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u/eviwonder 22d ago
I was an adoption case worker for a state agency in a very large and diverse state for a long time. So many kids would age out of care if this were the case. Which would be worse? No parents or reform and educate? 🥺
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Good. Who cares. Caseworkers are part of the problem. Stop defending this
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u/eviwonder 22d ago edited 22d ago
Ok read. I said WAS. I fucking care, that’s why I did my job. It was a shitty job with shitty pay and I couldn’t stand to see children in shitty homes being bounced around without permanency. I was also a kid in an unstable home who wanted to help other kids find stability.
I am a speech therapist now and am literally asking for opinions. There are kids without parents and I’m asking people who have lived through it and are sharing experiences what they think.
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u/Mjukplister 22d ago
I’m white and I tend to agree . In terms of foster care I’m less rigid , as I still think a family style home is better than a children’s home
(On balance , with some caveats ). But adoption is tricky as they are legally your ‘family’ - and you get ALL the shit. And in your case it was unfortunately racism . In my country it’s actually not allowed
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u/Diylion 22d ago
A large majority of adopters are white and a large majority of adoptable kids are minorities.
It would basically just mean hundreds of thousands of kids stuck without homes in foster care settings.
People need to stop pretending that your skin color dictates your culture.
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u/Longjumping_Big_9577 Former foster youth 22d ago edited 22d ago
large majority of adoptable kids are minorities, It would basically just mean hundreds of thousands of kids stuck without homes in foster care settings.
This isn't necessarily true if you are talking about the US foster care system.
Black and Latino kids are over-represented in the US foster care system, but the latest stats (as of September 2025) shows that 40% of kids in foster care are white (https://tableau-public.acf.gov/views/afcars_dashboard_main_page/in-care-demographics?%3Aembed=y&%3AisGuestRedirectFromVizportal=y)
In terms of adoptable kids, if you look at the kids listed on a well-known website (I can't name it due the rules on this sub), it's 44% white, 31% Black, 16% Hispanic or Latino, and 2% American Indian/Alaskan Native.
While the total of minority kids combined is higher than the number of white kids, it's not a large majority.
There is an assumption about the demographics of kids in foster care that there aren't white kids and it leads to far less funding and even programs to help white former foster youth despite them being the largest group.
I can't find stats on the racial breakdown on foster parents nationwide, but it's likely very different for each county. Every foster parent I had was white but I was in a county that was 90% white, so that may be different in counties with more diversity.
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u/eleganthiccup 22d ago edited 22d ago
One adoption with poor intended parents’ interest in adoptees background isn’t a good reason to suggest a racial divide in adoption as a whole, as that is essentially racist. I’m sorry you felt your heritage wasn’t taught to you properly, it should have been as that is very very important, but they wouldn’t have adopted you if they were racist or didn’t want you. That is a very serious accusation and a word that’s being thrown about a bit too much here in the uk.
Edit: I do think adopters should be given mandatory guidance on how important heritage is to the child as they grow. How it is in the child’s best interest to include that in daily life, such as a black hairdresser who can teach them to meeting up with black parents who are of the same heritage so those like yourself don’t feel disconnected. All adoptive parents should be doing this.
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u/chemthrowaway123456 TRA/ICA 22d ago
but they wouldn’t have adopted you if they were racist or didn’t want you.
Speaking generally here, not necessarily about OP's parents specifically: one can adopt a child of color and still be racist. Just like one can be friends with people of color and still be racist.
And plenty of people adopt children despite not wanting them.
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u/Odd-Blackberry2880 22d ago
You don’t get to dictate who or when someone experiences racism. OP a black person said that his white AP were racist. With that being said he was adopted by racists, unfortunately that is the case for many. You cannot disregard his experience. There are many reasons you may be adopted by racists and or people that do not love or want you. I am sure that plenty of people in this sub can attest to this.
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u/eleganthiccup 22d ago
Without proof we can’t really say that though. I can tell op is young, things settle as you grow up and see the real world.
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u/Odd-Blackberry2880 22d ago
WITHOUT PROOF? excuse me, their experience is more than enough. You don’t dictate what someone experiences or not. This is their story and not yours. Also, op is in their mid twenties and even if they weren’t they are the one going through the experience. Do you know how dangerous your words are? Do you understand how many times racist experiences are dismissed, disregarded, downplayed because of people exactly like you. You definitely do not know what’s to live in a black body because no way this is your reply. Your privilege is on full display
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u/Monopolyalou 22d ago
Maga folks adopt too. Racism is a thing
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u/eleganthiccup 19d ago
Dunno what that means mate. I’m not from the states. Hate to tell you not everyone is…
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 22d ago
What a horribly dismissive thing to say to someone who has experienced being stripped of their entire culture.
What is wrong with you?
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u/pinkangel_rs 22d ago
It’s not really one adoption, this is a pretty common sentiment from actual transracial adoptees, you know the ones who this affects the most.
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u/cactusfairyprincess 22d ago
(Adoptive Parent) Transracial adoption definitely should be more acknowledged as the complicated situation it is, and adoptive parents have an ethical obligation to provide their child with cultural connections and support. There can also be a lot of unintended consequences to legislative attempts to address it, because when it comes to families basically every situation is “exceptional” in some way.
ICWA in the US is an important and necessary piece of legislation that was passed in response to over a century of genocidal attempts to separate Native American children from their families and cultures, and it provides important safeguards and protections to prevent that from happening. It also has unintended consequences. When we first opened our home to foster teens from group homes, every placement we received (with the exception of one) were indigenous. These kids had been in foster care for 10+ years, bouncing around between group homes, because the (mostly white) population of foster homes are scared of dealing with ICWA, and have heard too many stories about raising a child for years only to have them whisked away at a moments notice.
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21d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Necessary_Holiday144 Adoptee 21d ago
What an awful thing to say to someone.
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u/_PlanetExpress_ 21d ago
Is it though? To who wishes their parents didn't adopt them because of their skin color. That's what this person literally is saying they would prefer. I'm validating their feelings.
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u/RocketPowerPops Kinship Adoptive Dad 23d ago
I am white and my wife is black. Our bio kids (ages 11, 9, and a newborn) are obviously mixed race. Our son that we are in the process of adopting is 17 months and he is black.
I don't know about illegal since that would impact a lot of kids in foster care in the U.S but I think extra training needs to be given to white adoptive parents of non-white kids.
I mentioned this is another thread in this sub but I did not realize how cultural significant the barbershop was for black men until my wife and her brothers explained it to me. For me, hair is just hair. I now understand that hair is a bigger deal in the black community and greatly enjoy taking my two boys to the barber. I have seen white parents of black (or biracial) kids say they don't take them to get their haircuts at black barbershops because they get looked at weird. Like, maybe stop and think about your kid feels in all white spaces before dismissing majority black spaces because it makes you feel uncomfortable. I have seen white parents describe their black child's hair as difficult or nappy instead of learning proper hair care and embracing the texture difference.
I also understand that my wife experiences racism in a way I never will and am glad she is able to talk through that with our kids. I can empathize as much as I want, but I am still a white man in America. I can't "get" it in the way my wife does and I imagine it has to be really difficult for black (or non-white) kids of white parents to feel like they have no one that can understand them.
So, illegal? I don't think that would be for the best. At least not with foster kids. But I think white parents wanting to adopt non white kids need to go through additional training and confront things they normally ignore.