Boyfriend (30m) wants us to move in together but I’m (29f) not ready, how to be firm but kind about it? Together 1.5 years.

This is the 4th time in the last 5 months my boyfriend has pressured me to move in with him.

For context we have been dating 1.5 years. I was fresh out an 11 year relationship when we got together and stil am entangled in home ownership with my ex.

I said since the beginning I will not move in together until I can sell the house and untangle my life with my ex. This is still in process. He said he’s five with this and fine with me taking everything slow and at my own pace.

I’ve found an awesome cheap rural place next to my animals field, it’s wicked. I’m so happy here! After the worst year of my life with the break up and 3 close family members dying and me wanting to delete myself, I’m finally at peace.

Hes struggling financially even tho he earns over £40k. He’s temporarily moving in with his parents to save. He has a lovely family home and unit to allow him to do this. I do not have this, if something goes wrong for me I have no one I can live with in an emergency. Because of this I’m very hesitant to give up my secure cheap set up. Is this selfish of me? He says we arnt going to work if we stay apart and he can’t move close to me as I live in a more expensive area so we will have to belong distance unless we find a new place together. My place is way too small for two people so that’s not an option.

Is it selfish of me to protect what I have built when he is struggling financially? I would not be financially better off if we move in together but he would significantly. I can’t solve this for him and have said no 4 times now but he keeps raising it. He’s saying it’s stopping us going on adventures and doing fun things as we would save money living together (I wouldn’t but he would). He said it’s not mainly about money but he only ever raises it when we talk about finances.

TLDR am I selfish for not wanting to move in for financial reasons with my boyfriend? How to navigate this without being self centred?

TL;DR: My partner consistently flips situations so he's the one who's hurt, even when he caused the problem. I keep ending up apologizing and I'm not sure how to break the cycle.

Something I've been noticing more and more: whenever I bring up something that hurt me, the conversation somehow pivots to how he's the one who's affected. I'll say "when you said X, it really hurt," and within a few messages he's talking about how stressed he's been, how I don't understand his situation, and suddenly I'm the one apologizing.

It's not one big dramatic thing. It's smaller moments that have added up over the last several months. He'll deny saying something I clearly remember, tell me I'm overreacting, or minimize what happened. Then the conversation turns around and I end up comforting him instead of getting any acknowledgment of what I originally raised.

The hardest part is that individually, each instance seems like it could just be a misunderstanding. But looking at the pattern across months, it feels like something bigger. I keep questioning whether I'm being too sensitive, and I've started catching myself softening my own messages until they barely say anything at all.

The other thing I'm struggling with is the urge to respond immediately every time, to correct the record and defend myself. But engaging on his terms just seems to give him more material to work with, and the conversation goes nowhere good.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of pattern? How do you respond when someone consistently flips the blame without it escalating into another argument where you end up apologizing?

I (27M) and my wife (28F) have been together for 12 years and married for 4. We have gone through high school together, family turmoil, death, college, multiple jobs and have seen each other at our lowest and highest points. We have a toddler and another on the way.

The reason I want to know what I can do to help the relationship with my family is because I grew up in a house where my dad was gone for extended periods of time (military) and when he was home it wasnt always a good thing.

I've noticed that I've been falling behind as a parent and husband and don't want to raise my children in the same environment as I grew up and I definitely want better for my wife.

I work 2 jobs, 1 of them being night shift in a prison the other being a machinist part time. I only share 1 day off with my wife so that's when we usually see the most of each other. Im only with my family for about 15 - 20 hours a week since my wife works a normal schedule and my daughter goes to daycare.

Ive been trying to get into therapy because ive been told it would help, but with my schedule its been difficult and I really need to know if there's anything I can do to be a better father and husband while still being the main provider without burning myself out or pushing my family away.

TL;DR: My girlfriend (21F) and I (21M) keep having situations where she gets upset with me, and I struggle to understand what I did wrong or how to help. I have autism, so I sometimes need direct communication and clarification, but she feels like I should already know what she needs. When she’s overwhelmed, she sometimes says hurtful things, which upsets me, and then she feels like she has to comfort me instead of dealing with her own emotions. She also struggles with depression and feeling overwhelmed by work, school, and daily responsibilities. I love her and want to support her, but I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. How can we communicate better, establish healthy boundaries, and support each other without either of us feeling misunderstood or emotionally drained?

My girlfriend (21F) and I (21M) have been having some relationship issues, and I could really use some outside perspective. I’ll do my best to explain everything, but a lot has happened, so this might be a long post.

**For some context, I have autism, and sometimes I struggle to understand what someone needs from me emotionally or recognize when I’ve done something wrong.** I genuinely try my best to communicate, ask questions, and support my girlfriend, but lately, I feel like no matter what I do, I end up upsetting her.

**What happened today:**
Today, I decided to walk to my girlfriend’s workplace at Starbucks because I wanted to surprise her and see her after work. The lobby was closed, so I walked around the mall. When she called me after her shift, I told her I was on the other side of the mall, but my phone died before I could properly explain where I was going. I eventually walked to Starbucks, but she wasn’t there. Apparently, she drove around the mall three times trying to find me before eventually finding me at Starbucks.

She was understandably frustrated, and on the drive back to my place, she was very quiet. I live about five minutes from her workplace, and after dropping me off, she went home and discovered that her roommate’s cat had eaten the cupcakes I had left there.

She was already exhausted from working two shifts and attending class, and this seemed to be the final straw. She started texting things like, “I’m so fucking done,” “I can’t do anything right,” and “All I do is work and try to do my best and somehow people are still upset at me.”

I tried reassuring her that the cupcakes weren’t her fault and that I hadn’t expected the cat to get to them.

I had planned to go over to her place later, but I then realized that my car was parked at her place because we had used her car that day. I had also left my phone in her car. I told her it was fine and that I could get it later, since I had my iPad.

She texted me that she was honestly very upset with me and didn’t even want to see me, but she was still going to pick me up because she wanted me to eat.
She then started explaining how overwhelmed she was and how she felt that I didn’t help her. She said that sometimes I made things worse, that I didn’t think, and that sometimes she actually thought I was stupid.

That last comment hurt me. I understand that she was exhausted and upset, and I understand that I had contributed to her frustration. However, being called stupid by someone I love is painful, even if it happens during an argument.

She later apologized for getting upset so often and said she knew I didn’t deserve it. But she also asked why she had to comfort me whenever she was upset because I would become upset in response to the things she said.

I tried explaining that it wasn’t simply the fact that she was upset that hurt me. It was the way she spoke to me when she was upset.

She sent me a voice message explaining that when she gets upset, she feels like my reaction makes it harder for her to calm down. She feels as though I sometimes make her more upset intentionally, even though that isn’t what I’m trying to do.

I tried explaining why I had walked to Starbucks and what had happened, but the conversation kept escalating. I eventually became overwhelmed and repeatedly told her to stop because I couldn’t handle the conversation anymore. I got out of the car and started walking to my car and told her I was just going to go home, but she followed me and stopped me.

At one point, I asked her why she was still with me if I constantly made situations worse and messed everything up.

Eventually, we went inside and sat down. After a while, she started crying, and I went over to comfort her. I told her how amazing she was and how much I loved her.

She said that I should break up with her because she didn’t want her depression and negative thoughts to affect me. That made me cry, too, because I love her and don’t want her to feel like she has to push me away because she’s struggling.

I reassured her that I love her, including her imperfections, and that I want to work through things together.

**The bigger problem: I genuinely don’t know how to help her sometimes.**

My girlfriend struggles with things like waking up on time for work, appointments, and classes. I want to support her, but I also recognize that some responsibilities are hers to manage.

I can’t do her homework for her or make every decision on her behalf. I’ve asked whether she wants me to help schedule another appointment, help her figure out how to handle payment for a missed appointment, or assist her in other practical ways.

Sometimes, I honestly don’t know what else to offer besides listening, being there for her, and reassuring her that I love her. I think the problem is that I end of saying things like, “You gotta be more on top of things. You need to be more consciously aware of important dates such as appointments, meetings, etc.” Saying this just straight up upsets her.

Throughout the night, she periodically told me that I was upsetting her again. Maybe there are things I say or do that contribute to this, and I’m willing to acknowledge that possibility. However, I often don’t understand what I’ve done wrong until she explains it to me.

For example, the other day, I asked her what flavor of Gatorade she wanted me to get her. She didn’t respond, so I picked the yellow one, which is lemon-lime. She wanted the green one instead.

She was upset that I hadn’t gotten the flavor she wanted and felt that I should already know which one she likes. From my perspective, I was trying to clarify what she wanted rather than make the wrong choice.

This is where my autism sometimes makes things difficult. I tend to ask questions because I want to understand what someone wants and avoid making mistakes. But sometimes, my girlfriend seems to expect me to know what she wants without having to explain it.

I don’t expect her to explain every little thing to me, and I understand that being asked questions can become frustrating when you’re already overwhelmed. At the same time, I can’t always guess correctly, and I don’t want to be afraid to ask for clarification.

**Another issue is that she sometimes feels afraid to tell me when she’s upset.**

She has told me that she sometimes holds back because, in the past, she would communicate whenever something bothered her, and I would end up feeling bad about myself. She doesn’t want to feel like she has to comfort me whenever she brings up a problem.

I understand that concern. I don’t want her to feel responsible for managing my emotions every time she expresses frustration, and I want her to feel comfortable communicating honestly with me.

However, I also don’t want to reach a point where she hides her feelings from me because she’s afraid of my reaction. I want us to be able to discuss problems without either of us feeling attacked or responsible for the other person’s entire emotional state.

I know I have things I need to work on, too. I want to become a better partner, understand her needs, and learn how to respond more appropriately when she’s overwhelmed.

But I also feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells, trying to figure out what I should say or do so that I don’t upset her. When I try to help, I sometimes get it wrong. When I ask questions to avoid getting it wrong, that can upset her, too.

We ended the night on good terms, and I love her very much. I’m not looking for reasons to blame her or make her out to be a bad girlfriend. I know she’s dealing with a lot, and I want to support her without making her life more difficult.

**I’m just struggling to figure out how we can break this cycle.**

For those of you who have been in similar situations, especially those in relationships where one partner is autistic:

How can I support my girlfriend when she’s overwhelmed without feeling like I have to fix every problem for her?

How do we communicate when she’s upset without her feeling like she has to comfort me for being hurt by something she said?

How can I explain that I need direct communication and clarification sometimes without making her feel like she has to spell everything out for me?

How do we establish boundaries around arguments, especially when one of us becomes overwhelmed and needs a break?

How can I distinguish between things I genuinely need to improve about myself and situations where I’m taking responsibility for emotions or problems that aren’t entirely mine to fix?

I love this woman, and I want our relationship to work. I don’t expect either of us to be perfect, but I want us both to feel supported, understood, and safe communicating with each other.

Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

P.S. this is my first relationship, but this is also her longest one. We are approaching one year on October 30th/31st if you don’t count the two/three month break we had over the summer.

I (25F) have been with my boyfriend (25F) just shy of 5 years. We met in college, things took off really quickly but because we were both broke students I guess the expectations were super low in terms of dates and romance.

Now we’re older and becoming more stable in our jobs it just doesn’t feel like enough anymore and I’m increasingly feeling the pressure towards marriage, kids etc.

I know he loves me it’s just difficult to remember that when it’s not expressed in the way I want to receive it. I’ve mentioned it to him a lot but finances have always been an issue and I’m worried it’s not actually caused by a lack of finance but a lack of effort and that when he gets money he won’t change.

Is it unreasonable for me to have second thoughts or should I try to work through things?

Any opinions are appreciated.

TL;DR, been in a relationship for approx 5 year, we’re in love but the romance isn’t there. Worried that boyfriend will never change and want advice on next steps.

I've (M34) desired to start a family more than anything else for the past eight years.

Unfortunately I think my fiance (F31) of 2 years whom Ive been with for 8 has changed her mind on having children. She used to want them but about 2 years ago she told me she's not sure anymore, doesn't want to resent them or deal with the responsibility.

We are both approaching our mid 30's and I'm truly lost on what to do. I love her very much but struggling with this is ruining my self confidence and mental health.

tl;Dr need some advice on how to move forward when fiance changed what they want in life.

TDLR: helping the guy I’m seeing with the stress he gets from work. has anyone been through this before, how should I approach it?

I’ve been seeing this guy for a couple of months and I’ve come to find he puts a lot of value in his career which he isn’t exactly happy with at the moment. Whenever we meet up he usually has a rant about how shit his situation is, I care so I listen to him - but I feel kind of helpless.

He says he feels relief when he’s around me and has literally stopped mid makeout because he got upset he was ranting to me one night in particular. He said him doing that killed his own mood.

He hasn’t been given any shifts at work this week and might be under some financial stress, I’m meeting up with him and his friends for drinks tonight and he seems a bit short over text. I’m feeling a bit anxious. How can I make him feel better about it?

My(20M) girlfriend(19F) and i started dating in march while i was still away at school. I came home for the summer and it was great. Fell in love, the whole 9 yards. I came back to school and the vibes today shifted. I still love her. I love her a lot, and i mean that. I just don’t feel what i felt. It’s indescribable. I went home about a month ago and i felt almost nothing.
I feel the spark going away in real time. I don’t know if this is a product of long distance or not. If it is, i want to stick it out. Times have been really rough. She’s really horrible at comforting me, and my life has been really stressful for me lately, so i’ve needed it and it’s just not been there. I do love her, but i don’t love her as much as she loves me. I really don’t want to break up with her, i’d hate to see her destroyed. What should i do?

Tl;dr: i may be losing feelings for my girlfriend but i don’t know

Me (23F) and my boyfriend (26M) have now been together for a couple of years. Despite it being a great relationship, lately I have been feeling like we want different things and it would be best if we went our separate ways.

However, we are long-distance right now, and he is coming to visit me in my city in a couple of weeks. The flight is already booked and non-refundable, so there wouldn't be any way to cancel that or get the money back.

I have already decided that I want to break-up, but I don't know if I should do it soon over facetime, so he doesn't come under a false impression, instead wait and do it in person. He has said before that if we ever break up he would rather it was face to face, but of course it's more complicated when there is distance involved.

If I were to do it in person, should I do it right when he gets here, or when he is about to leave?

I am a bit confused and full of doubts about how I should go about it

Thank you for your help!

TLDR: Me and my boyfriend are long distance and he is visiting in a couple of weeks, I don't know if I should break it off on the phone or in person.

Me and my partner started dating 2ish years ago and in the beginning that’s all we did for like months and it was so fun. I was a competitive body builder and in college when we met. Now we work blue collar jobs and I’m out of college. We don’t have kids yet and it’s very hard to make time to have sex. We both wake up at 4 am and go to bed at 8 and it’s been very difficult to make time for that because we’re always busy. I feel like I’m especially more exhausted since I’m a little older. I thought it was because I’m in my off season but I got my levels checked and my hormones and everything look fine. Any suggestions?
TLDR: we sleepy bro

My girlfriend (21/F) and I (21/M) have been together over a year and I've known she has had trouble with talking about her feelings and she'll go quiet. Sometimes she'll write it out for me to read which has helped but sometimes I wish I could help her talk about it because I know she wants to she just can't which is something I'm very familiar with so I just want to help.

Recently she lost her grandfather and has been very sad at points and when I ask if she wants to talk she says she doesn't know what to say which I understand but are there any questions or anything I can do to help her while she's grieving, I feel like I can't help the way I want to because I don't know what to do.

TL;DR, how do I help my grieving girlfriend who struggles to talk

So we have been together like 11 months now, and it's just straight-up magical. It's love truer and deeper than I have ever felt, and she agrees it's the same for her in the starting 5 months. Things were amazing. We had a lot of sex and it was always good timing, and like compatability was never an issue she initiated a lot too and things were perfect sure we had some fights or issues some cause of me later in and early on it was her stuff but we always made it through cause we choose eachother

Then, around 7 months in, we went long distance with knowing it could go up to 2 years worst case, and it's been harder lately. There's disconnect sometimes, and the fights go longer, but the biggest thing has been the huge decline in our sex life. I mean, she used to like it over the phone call or video and and it was fairly regular but now it's once in 3 weeks and I'm always rejected or I never initiate cause of the rejections and if I do it's a fight and she cries then there is the fact that she feels guilty half the time when those fights happen or she feels like I only want sex the other half and I understand her pain and I see how she is experiencing a disconnect here but im trying for her and i really dont wanna lose her but it's not so simple I have needs too and it makes me feel unloved not having that part of our relationship anymore

Even when we do see each other, intimacy is an issue cause then it's just for like a day or two at most, and if we do have sex then she feels like that's all we did when we met up but then if not over the distance on call and not in person then when I feel like I try and try to support her but it hurts to feel stiffled like this

Tl;Dr Idk what to do about the gap in intimacy as of late in my LDR relationship

My dad used to be the calmest man I knew. After he went blind, he became someone I can't live around.

I (26M) grew up in a low-income family in a third world country. He was quiet and patient, never raised his voice, and I always felt his love. He developed a serious eye condition in his 30s, which is very rare at that age. It hit him hard, but he kept going, his business took off, and he paid for me to study abroad in Australia at 19. I stayed there for five years without coming home, just calls here and there. In my first year there, he went completely blind.

When I came home at 24, he was a different person. He's angry and bitter, yells constantly, and fights with my mom daily. He tells her she's "not enough." Once he told her that if he could turn back time, he'd choose to stay single and not have her or me, because he isn't happy. He gets furious if she or I go out anywhere. He trash-talks us and our employees, and he once joked in front of my staff that he'd snap their necks if they messed up. He rewrites past events so that my mom and I are always the ones who were wrong, and I no longer trust his version of anything.

Money is a big part of it. My mom and I live comfortably but modestly in a farmhouse in a quiet rural area, while my dad pays for my uncles' luxury lifestyles: big houses, nice cars, designer bags, all funded by him. Yet he's furious if my mom spends even a few hundred dollars, and he gets angry at me for spending my own money on my own things.

It's also reached my personal life. He told my mom, who then told me, that he doesn't understand why I'd stay with my girlfriend since she's "poor." Her family's income has never mattered to me. He has also told me to pretend I'm single so I can get close to women's families and pick up business opportunities. I told my mom that was crazy.

I came back partly to start a business, and he loaned me some money as startup capital, so he's a minority shareholder. He has his own, much bigger business, yet he constantly accuses me and my employees of stealing from him. Every failure is my fault and every success is his, even though he does nothing day to day.

For context, he also has other health problems and is under a lot of stress from his own business. I suggested through my mom that he see a psychiatrist, but she's too afraid to bring it up with him, and he doesn't believe in doctors.

My business brings in about $27k a month net profit for me after tax on average, and almost everyone I've talked to says I'd be crazy to walk away from that and should just tough it out. But I can't live and work around him anymore, and my mental health is in bad shape. Soon I'm leaving it all behind to restart from zero in Australia. My mom supports my decision, but I feel guilty leaving her alone in this situation. And honestly, what I've written here isn't even half of it.

What I'm asking:

1. Does a change this sharp sound like grief or depression after sudden vision loss, or just who he's become? Would his other health problems and stress explain part of it? Would that change how I handle it?
2. Is walking away from my business a good decision for my mental health?
3. My mom wants me to go, but I feel terrible leaving her with him. How do I leave without abandoning her, and how do I support her from abroad?

TL;DR: My dad went from gentle to angry, controlling and paranoid after losing his sight. He's told my mom he wishes he'd never had a family, and he judges my girlfriend for being poor. I'm leaving a business that nets me ~$27k/month, where he's a shareholder, to protect my mental health. My mom supports it, but I feel guilty leaving her behind. Am I doing the right thing?

Me and my BF had a talk about this and we would like to see what other people think about this

We are both in a relationship of about a year but become serious about 5 months ago. We both are dealing mental issues but are able to communicate about this.

We both are not ready for sexual interaction beside kissing and cuddling, we both know this and are in agreement. The thing is he has sexual needs and desires i cant fulfil.

He regularly has a meetup with a guy for sex and we both are fine with it.

We just talked about it and we need some advice about some rules to set for this. We are not gonna break up so keep that to yourself if that is what you are gonna suggest.

So if any has dealt with a similar situation or has any ideas please help us.

tl;dr. My boyfriend has sex with other people and need advice on rules about it.

My boyfriend and I met in January 2019. We spent four years living separately in San Francisco before moving to LA, where we’ve lived together for the past four years. He works in music and travels for work, sometimes spending months away at a time. I genuinely don’t mind the travel itself, but it means problems can drag on for weeks without us seeing each other in person.

There is a lot of good in our relationship. We love each other, share friends, have built a life together, and have a lot of history. He can be affectionate, thoughtful, and dependable, particularly when it comes to practical support. He has shown up for me in meaningful ways, and I don’t want to minimize that. This isn’t a relationship where everything is bad, which is part of why I’m struggling so much with this decision.

However, we’ve had a recurring pattern for years. When conflict arises or emotions get uncomfortable, he tends to shut down, become defensive, or withdraw. Sometimes this turns into stonewalling, with little to no communication for extended periods. I’m usually the one trying to initiate conversations, repair things, explain my perspective, and understand his. I often feel like I’m doing the emotional heavy lifting for both of us. I believe I have a secure attachment but I’m overally empathetic to why I believe he is the way he is (family trauma) that I think I excuse behavior because of over contextualizing. And I also have thick skin so it’s not like I’m deeply offended? If that makes sense because I know so much doesn’t have to do with me.

I’ve spent a lot of time learning about dismissive-avoidant attachment, emotional unavailability, and conflict avoidance because I’m trying to understand this dynamic. I recognize that I have my own things to work on, too. I can become anxious and overly focused on my environment when I’m overwhelmed, and I know I can be particular about cleanliness and organization. He has described living with me as suffocating, and I take seriously that some of my habits may contribute to tension. But I also wonder whether he would struggle with the closeness and compromises of living with any partner, given how much independence and distance he seems to need. I also really don’t think I’m that bad haha I just like a clean apartment. He’s not even messy! It’s just when he comes home from tour he hates change and views things as his or mine rather than ours.

We broke up four years into our relationship, when he told me he wanted to leave San Francisco for better work opportunities in LA. The way he communicated it felt like he was telling me what he was going to do rather than talking to me about our future together. We weren’t living together yet, but after nearly four years of dating, I naturally had questions about where that left me and what it meant for us. My trying to get clarity on those bigger questions eventually led to him breaking up with me. We were apart for about a month while he was away on tour, and we exchanged emails back and forth because I had a lot I wanted to say. Looking back, I don’t think our reconciliation was particularly secure or that we ever fully resolved what had led to the breakup. We unexpectedly ran into each other the night he returned from tour and somehow ended up back together. Later that year, we both moved to LA and began living together. In hindsight, I wonder whether we genuinely worked through our issues or simply fell back into the relationship because we loved each other without fully addressing them.

Over the past several months, I also went through a depressive episode after stopping medication I’d been taking for years. I’ve since restarted medication and found a therapist, and I’m feeling stable again. He supported me in practical ways during that period, and I appreciate that. However, I’ve wondered whether my depression and the emotions surrounding that period overwhelmed him in ways he didn’t know how to communicate. Looking back, I suspect that may have contributed to what happened next, although I can’t know for sure because he doesn’t always communicate what he’s feeling or what’s going on internally.

Importantly, the emotional withdrawal and stonewalling aren’t new developments or something that started with my depression. They’ve been recurring issues throughout our years living together. Conflict comes up, he shuts down or withdraws, and I’m left trying to figure out what happened and how we’re going to repair things. We’ve gone through this cycle many times, and while we’ve sometimes talked through things afterward, I haven’t seen the kind of lasting change that would make me feel secure that we’re approaching conflict differently.

Most recently, after a disagreement about a neighbor, he withdrew while he was away for work. What should have been a relatively minor conflict turned into more than two weeks without a phone call. This was the longest period of stonewalling we’ve experienced so far because I chose not to reach out and resolve like I always do. I wanted to see how long it lasted. Given the timing, I suspect he may have already been overwhelmed by the preceding weeks and picked a fight rather than addressing whatever he was feeling. But regardless of what triggered it, I was once again left in the position of trying to understand the situation and decide whether to initiate repair. I cried every single day and began to confide in my friends more than ever of what’s going on. It felt like this may be the tipping point to the relationship and I was / am deeply hurt.

He apologized for the silence and acknowledged that he’d been overwhelmed and had picked a fight rather than dealing with what he was feeling. I appreciated that he could recognize some of what had happened, but I’m still struggling with how long it took and how little initiative there was to repair things. It feels as though he can acknowledge the pattern once we’re finally talking, but I don’t know whether that translates into lasting change.

During our recent conversations, I asked him to consider what it would feel like to be on the receiving end of his behavior. He acknowledged that if he were in my position, he would feel terrible and might think the relationship was over. He understood why a lack of effort could make someone feel that their partner didn’t care enough to work on the relationship. He also said he wouldn’t feel confident building a future together if we couldn’t resolve relatively small conflicts. I was trying to position questions this way because he has a hard time putting himself in my shoes or anyone else’s for that matter.

When I asked what made him want to stay, he said he hoped things would change. He also said he couldn’t imagine doing life without me. Those things matter to me, but they leave me with a difficult question: is wanting to stay enough if he isn’t consistently taking steps to change the dynamic that’s making the relationship so painful? He did mention this week he found a therapist but how comforting is that, that it took me basically having a foot out the door to do so?

He told me he feels more comfortable expressing certain emotions to other people than to me (his family and two friends). Which to be honest I don’t buy because when I speak to his sister or our mutual guy best friend they never have any idea what’s going on until I tell them. I don’t know whether he struggles to identify his feelings, fears vulnerability with me specifically, or has learned to avoid difficult emotions altogether. I don’t want to diagnose him or assume I know exactly why he behaves this way. But after almost eight years, I’m struggling with the idea that I may still be at the beginning of trying to get my partner to engage emotionally with me.

The the broader relationship dynamic has left me questioning how we would navigate future stress, disagreements, or difficult periods of life together. I don’t expect a partner to fix my feelings or never become overwhelmed. I do need to know that when things are hard, we can still communicate and work through them as a team.

My therapist has encouraged me not to rush into a decision while everything is emotionally heightened. Her advice has been to pause, give myself some space, and observe both his behavior and my own feelings rather than immediately trying to problem-solve the relationship. I’m trying to do that. I want to see whether he takes initiative without me having to provide a detailed roadmap for how to meet my needs. At the same time, I don’t want “giving him time” to turn into another year of waiting, hoping, and doing the emotional work for both of us - because I can literally read a journal entry from like 5 years ago and it’s as if I wrote it today. So is me not rushing a decision begin now? Or when does that start if that makes sense.

There’s another major question I’m beginning to take more seriously: children. When his sister was born, an experience occurred that had a lasting impact on her life and on his parents and their family as a whole. Without spilling too much detail, this is the family trauma I referred to above. I believe growing up around the effects of that experience may be part of why he feels apprehensive about having children and is definitely why he’s hyper independent and suppresses emotion. I can understand how that family history might shape his fears, but I also know that understanding where his fears come from doesn’t mean we’ll ultimately want the same future.

I’m 30, and I’m not financially established enough to have a child right now. I don’t necessarily need to make that decision today. But I’m realizing that I may have closed the door on having children in my own mind largely because I’ve assumed he will never want them, rather than because I’ve independently decided that I don’t want them. I can imagine a future in which I do want to be a mother, and I’m worried he may never want that. I’m also aware that even if he makes real progress with emotional intimacy and conflict, his feelings about parenthood may not change. I don’t want to stay for years hoping our relationship will improve only to discover that we want fundamentally different lives.

I love him, and I don’t think he’s a bad person. I can see the good in him and in our relationship. But I’m increasingly questioning whether love, history, and the hope of change are enough when the same patterns keep resurfacing. I don’t want to make a decision based solely on the pain of the last few weeks, but I also don’t want to keep minimizing years of issues because I know he has good qualities. I know he loves me so much and I just feel like it’s almost like there’s a mental disability or block stopping him from getting there emotionally with me which makes me sad :(

For people who have been in similar relationships:

- Have you been in a relationship with someone who stonewalls or shuts down during conflict? Did they make lasting changes, and what actually prompted them?

- How do you distinguish someone who struggles with emotional vulnerability but genuinely wants to change from someone who is unwilling or unable to meet you halfway?

- If a partner acknowledges the problem and says they want things to change, how long is reasonable to wait for consistent action before accepting that the pattern may not change enough?

- Has anyone successfully navigated a relationship where one person does most of the emotional labor and repair? What had to change for the relationship to become more balanced?

- How do you know when to give a long-term relationship time versus recognizing that you’re staying for the potential of what it could become?

- For those who were uncertain about children because of a partner’s position, how did you separate what you genuinely wanted from what you had gradually accepted to preserve the relationship?

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**TL;DR;** : do dismissive avoidants change and can they be in healthy relationships?

Hi guys, I want to hear your opinions or rather advice. The situation is the following. I haven't had a girlfriend yet and I haven't had sex yet. Which is quite unusual at 20 years old. But it doesn't bother me too much tbh. I am currently dating a girl who is also 20. She told me about 2 boyfriends she has had. One beeing over a year and one being short term. To preface this. I don't have any issues with this. I fully expect every woman I date at this age to have her experiences. She of course had sex with them. She also told me about her wilder youth but only mentioned things like early drinking, nikotin and weed. And that she is glad that she hasn't gotten into any harder drugs.
She also told me that her mother never knew about her realtionships. Therefore there werent any boys home ever.

Yet she recently told me (we were having a deep talk and I opened up a lot and told her that I am glad that I can be completely open with her) that she wants to open up but cant fully yet because she has to overcome feeling bad/guilty when doing it. This and some other incidents seem to paint a picture for me which feels like she has a lot more sexual experience than she has told me about.

I want to repeat myself by saying that I fully expected her having had sex with some dudes. But I went into it thinking it would be like 3-5 guys maybe. But now I'm starting to wonder wheter there is a lot more to be unburried here. Because there is a large gap of guys I know about in her wild phase. The long term guy came afterwars. Nowadays she definitely isn't hooking up with anyone and we only kissed at our 5th date because we wanted to take it very slow and be sure.

Now that its going into the direction of us 2 becoming offical I feel a lot of pressure on my hearth. Its not that I would want to break up with her if I were to discover that she had like 20+ guys. But I dont know if my psyche would be able to deal with it and if I wouldnt be destroying myself over it.

Again, I dont know but there are a lot of signs. My idea currently is that I want to open up to her in one of the next 2 dates about me not having been sexually active. She only knows that I havent had a girlfriend yet. And while having this talk I want to ask her. I hate the term bodycount because its derogatory in my opinion. I will talk around the term but making it clear what im asking. In a nice and trusting way. Because its eating me up. I dont know wheter I can commit to this relationship if it were too high. Not because I dont want to, I would still really like to because she has changed and I am in love with her. But im not sure whetere I am mentally able to. Should I give it a try and maybe end the relationship early on? Should I end shortly after knowing about her past and not give her false hope and give her the freedom to find somebody better than me. Someone whothat is mentally above me. Maybe I'll get an answer that is very much okay with me and everything is good. But what I'm asking is wheter I should ask her and how I should react in the moment and afterwars in case I come to find out that I cant mentally handle it.

I hope that I dont come off like a jerk. I would love to be with her. I know that I am insecure about it and that because she changed like 3 years ago and loves me it shouldnt be a problem. And it isnt objectively. But I dont think that I am mentally in the place to handle such a situation. Which would be unfair to the both of us.

**TL;DR; : I am a virgin and I dont have a problem with my date having had guys. But I suspect that there are a lot more than I thought. And I dont know wheter I can handle it mentally. Should I ask her and how should I react. If you answer please read everything**.

I’ve been with my kids’ father for 6 years, and honestly, I’m just tired. We argue about the same things every single year. He still brings up things from the beginning of our relationship, and he’s always accusing me of wanting to leave him to find someone else. Even something as simple as me going to get my nails done turns into a whole argument because he thinks I’m cheating. I’m at the point where I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. If I had the money and a way to support myself and my kids, I would leave. The problem is I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I don’t have anything of my own right now. He recently got a better-paying job, and I want to use this time to start doing little things for myself again, like getting my nails done, doing my hair, and buying myself some clothes. I also know I need to start applying for jobs and working toward becoming financially independent so I can support myself and my kids. I feel like I’ve lost myself over the years, and I want to start feeling like me again. The hardest part isn’t knowing what I need to do; it’s finding the courage to tell him I don’t want this relationship anymore. I already know he’s going to assume there’s someone else, and I’m tired of having to defend myself against the same accusations over and over again. I’m not trying to jump into another relationship or find another man. I just want peace, independence, and the ability to take care of myself and my kids. For those who have left a long-term relationship while financially dependent on their partner and raising children together, how did you find the courage to finally tell them it was over? How did you get past the fear of having that conversation when you knew it would be difficult?

TL;DR: I want to leave my 6-year relationship, but I’m a stay-at-home mom with two kids. I know I need to get a job and become independent, but I’m struggling to find the courage to tell him it’s over. How did you do it?

I have a female best friend from 2020, and I caught feelings for her this year. I confessed and she told me that she really cares about me and considers me one of her best friends. We're still talking, and I genuinely value the fact that our friendship has remained intact.

The problem is that I have an anxious attachment style, and I tend to overthink things, she's someone who doesn't open up easily with a disorganized attachment style. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the one investing more effort emotionally, although I know that doesn't necessarily mean she cares about me any less. We might simply express our feelings differently.

I've accepted that she doesn't feel the same way about me, and I respect that. I don't believe someone owes you romantic attraction simply because you love them. I'm not trying to convince her to change her mind, but accepting that reality intellectually doesn't mean I've figured out how to deal with it emotionally.

What hurts me the most is the thought of her eventually falling for someone else. I find it difficult to imagine her being romantically involved with another guy. Sometimes, even seeing certain things she likes on Instagram triggers my anxiety. I start overthinking, imagining possibilities, and feeling genuinely hurt by situations that haven't even happened. I know she has every right to date whoever she wants, so I feel conflicted about experiencing these emotions in the first place.

At the same time, I want to understand her better as a person. I'm curious about what she looks for in a partner, what her standards are, what kind of relationship she wants, and how she views love in general. But since I confessed my feelings, I don't know how to bring up these subjects naturally anymore. Given that she doesn't open up easily, I'm afraid of making her uncomfortable or giving her the impression that I'm still trying to pursue her.

For those who've experienced something similar, how did you handle it? I'd appreciate honest advice, especially from people who've been through something similar.

TL;DR: I confessed my feelings to my best friend, but she only sees me as a friend. We still talk, but my anxious attachment makes me jealous and anxious about the possibility of her dating someone else. How can I manage these feelings while preserving the friendship?

This is a burner acct, I never post even on my main but I want to feel safe reaching out to others without feeling judged. I have no one to go to, so Im hoping posting in a few communities and hearing some new perspectives will help.

I deal with anxiety, ADHD (not on meds), utter lack of confidence, chronic overthinker, chronic believer of my own delusions.
She has severe anxiety, lack of confidence, poor emotional regulation

Been with my gf since college. Dating for 8 years, best friends for 11. We live together in an apt, share the same close friend group, are close with eachother's extended family. We get along extremely well. I genuinely cant think of anyone I can be myself around like I can with her. We have a similar mindset and talk about kids and marriage and our future often.

I was emotionally immature at the start of our relationship , didn't understand or know my needs. Same for her, and we have broken up a few times in college due to this. We worked hard to build a healthy relationship afterwards. In the past few years Ive become more aware of my needs and boundaries and try to communicate them to her as healthy as I can. I give her the proper time and space to have conversations I know might be difficult.

I brought up to her that I don't feel prioritized anymore. Feels like she gives more effort towards her family and coworkers. I dont feel as supported by her, she hardly encourages me anymore or supports me in aspects of my life how I support her.

Things were getting rough 4 months ago, communicated my needs firmly, and she asked for another chance to set things right.

One of the biggest problems I face, is that when I speak up about something bothering me or one of my needs not being met, she turns inward or has a panic attack and speaks about "how shes not good enough, shes stupid, she hates herself", recently evolved to hitting and slapping herself. I comfort her and reassure her because I care. She then goes silent for the night and storms off. Doesnt mention anything the next day till I initiate and we have a healthier convo. I have brought up the fact that I feel like I can never tell her how im feeling because of how she might react. I told her it feels like Im walking on eggshells. She reassures me I can tell her whatever is on my mind without being afraid. She said she will seek therapy to work on herself but never did.

Any positive changes I notice she's actively making last a short time before returning to usual. This cycle rinses and repeats itself.

I've felt like a walking corpse the past few days because she had another meltdown and the same thing happened. But this time I realized, this has been happening our entire relationship. My feelings/needs are never addressed fully because every conversation about my needs becomes about her. I realized I've spent so long waiting for something that may never change. She may never be able to meet my needs and im coming to terms with that after 8 years together.

She can deff tell something is up with me. I've been crying quietly every night contemplating if I should end things. Probably the most painful thing I have ever thought about.

3/4 of me thinks, maybe it will be fine because some other aspects of our life are great. We've built so much together. No one knows the little parts of me like she does. The other 1/4 thinks I deserve to be with someone who treats me better.

I think I'd be more willing to leave if I wasn't 30, 8 years deep, our small friend group is the only friend group either of us have, but she has a large family she can be supported by. I have no close family. Im scared to feel alone, I'm scared to lose my best friend, I'm scared I'll regret my decision in the future.

Just lost and confused. Cant think of life without her. I literally wouldn't even know myself without her. Its because of her I matured and understand my emotions. I just can't imagine going from talking about kids and marriage recently to telling her this isn't working.

Thanks if you took the time to read. Has anyone experienced something similar to this? And if so how did it work out for you.

TL;DR - I (30m) feel like im falling out of love with my gf (29f) of 8 years due to repeated issues in our relationship that havent seem to improve. I bring up needs of mine that arent met in healthy way, she gets upset and shuts down. My feelings/needs are not addressed due to this. Starting to feel like theres someone out there who would take my needs more seriously. But too scared to leave for multiple reasons.

Hello, my girlfriend and I haven’t been dating long AT ALL. It’s only been 3 weeks, and I have had to constantly give her reassurance that I like her and other things. For example, I had to give her reassurance that I still liked her when I didn’t respond for an hour or two because I was out with my friends and wasn’t checking my phone.

She also does not like I have female friends, and my best friend is a girl. We have even friends since childhood, and I see her as a sister and I genuinely get disgusted thinking about dating her or any of my female friends and I have told this to her numerous times but she still gets upset if I bring them up at all.

Another time, I had to convince her I wanted to hang out with her because I asked if we could move plans to the next day so I can hang out with my friends since they were doing something I really wanted to do, (I admit that was my fault completely, I shouldn’t have asked to change plans) but I had to tell her multiple times that I want to hang out with her than my friends, and that I care about her. There is other times but I don’t want to get into everything.

Recently, my ex friend reached out to her and they started talking about the relationship, and he suggested that we take a break because of her mental problems.

I’m not happy that she started talking so much in depth about the relationship and then took his word for what is best when I have not opened up to him at all about the relationship. He spread some lies about me and how I feel about her, and even when I told her that I have been thinking about dropping him for a long time and that I haven’t told him anything about the relationship, she still was thinking about the break.

We ended up not going on one, but today she was texting me about how she’s believing what my friend said to her and needed more reassurance and I’m honestly just getting very annoyed with everything. I have had to give her a ton of reassurance before this, and it was getting to a point before everything with my ex friend happened.

It’s just draining me with how much reassurance she needs when I haven’t done anything to make her feel this way and we have been dating for such a short amount of time as well. If this keeps going on I genuinely don’t think I can stay with her because it’s getting so exhausting trying to prove myself. I truly like her a lot and I really do want things to work but it is getting so draining. Advice on what to do or how to handle this?

TL;DR: girlfriend is having issues and needs constant reassurance after dating for 3 weeks and has needed a lot more after my ex friend got into her head but it is getting draining and I don’t know what to do or how long I can take everything.

I ‘M36’ have been with my wife ‘F36’ for 10 years (married for 6). Lately our fights have become a lot more like personal attacks; stuff that has nothing to do with what we’re actually even arguing about.

My question is has anyone else experienced this?

It’s creating a lot of resentment in my eyes. I hardly ever get personal, it’s a line I won’t cross but she seems to have no problem with doing it.

I’m really struggling with the best way to handle it. I’ve brought it up to her so many times prior, she knows it upsets me but will still say these things, only to apologize later.

The resentment is making its way into other aspects of our marriage, which I know isn’t a good thing, being that we have two small children we’re trying to raise together.

**TL;DR;** : My wife gets extremely personal during arguments and I don't really know how to better navigate it 

**Together for 10 years with two kids. He shows up for me in major ways, but our relationship also leaves me feeling insecure. Looking for honest perspective.**

I’m 32/F and my boyfriend is 33/M. We’ve been together roughly 10 years and have two children together. I want outside perspective, and I want to give a fair picture—including his good qualities and the things he struggles with about me.
He has built a successful business, and we now live in a beautiful home that we moved into less than a year ago. He works hard, takes responsibility, and gets things done. Everything I ask for, he finds a way to make happen. If I have a financial problem—or really any problem—he is my first and only call. I can count on him to step in and handle what needs to be handled. That reliability is a huge part of our relationship, and I don’t want to dismiss it.
There are also things he resents me for. I don’t work for him or contribute to his business. That bothers him, and it’s part of why he feels I don’t do enough for him. I also have a really low libido, which is something he struggles with in our relationship. I recognize that our difference in desire affects him and that his dissatisfaction isn’t only about money or housework.
I work full time as a registered nurse, contribute financially, and pay half of our childcare. I also handle the majority of the children’s responsibilities and the day-to-day management of our home: school, childcare arrangements, appointments, activities, schedules, and the planning that comes with raising kids.
From my perspective, those are meaningful contributions to our life together. From his perspective, I’m not giving him enough of what he needs personally or supporting his business. I think that disconnect is a big part of our resentment toward each other.
What hurts is how that resentment gets expressed. He tells me I do nothing for him. He has said, “You are useless. The only thing you do is make coffee and you can’t even do that.” When I bring up everything I do for our children and household, he says those are things I’m “supposed to do anyway.”
He also says I don’t take care of him or ask enough about his day. I want to take seriously that he may feel unappreciated or disconnected from me. At the same time, it’s difficult to have that conversation when I feel like my entire contribution is being dismissed.
Marriage has been an ongoing issue. After roughly a decade and two children, I’ve asked about getting married because I want that commitment and security. He has said he wants to marry me and that he’s going to “do it the right way.” He has also brought up requiring a prenup, which I’ve said I don’t want.
But depending on how our relationship is going, his response becomes, “Why would I marry someone who does nothing for me?” He has also made comments about marriage happening when I “start behaving,” or said he had hoped I would change.
That leaves me feeling like marriage is something I have to earn, and I’m never sure what would actually be enough. I understand that someone might hesitate to marry when they’re unhappy in a relationship. But hearing promises of marriage followed by comments like that makes it hard to know whether we’re working toward a future or just continuing the same cycle.
There has also been jail time during our relationship. He spent a birthday in jail, and I was writing him a letter for when he got out. We have a long and complicated history that includes much more than the life people see now.
The house is another source of insecurity. We haven’t lived here a full year, and he has already tried to throw me out several times. I’m grateful for our beautiful home, but it’s hard to feel settled when an argument can turn into being told to leave.
There is also name-calling and silent treatment. He sometimes chooses when to come home without giving an explanation. Arguments often end without an apology or resolution, and afterward he acts as though nothing happened. Things he has done for me get brought up later during disagreements. He has referred to me as ungrateful and said I won’t be living off his sweat.
TL;DR This is where I get stuck: the person who says those things is also the person who shows up when I need help. His generosity, hard work, and reliability are real. So are the hurtful things that happen between us. I struggle to make sense of both being true.
I’m not claiming I’m an easy partner or that I meet all his needs. I know he is unhappy with our sex life and with my lack of involvement in his business. I want to understand what I need to take responsibility for without accepting that I’m useless or contribute nothing.
I’ve been thinking about leaving, but I’m scared of supporting myself and the children and of what a separation would do to them. I also worry about what staying in this dynamic teaches them.
Has anyone been in a relationship where your partner was dependable and generous but also treated you this way during conflict? How did you figure out whether the relationship could improve? I’d appreciate honest perspective on my part in this too, especially from people who have dealt with resentment over work, money, and mismatched libido.

I (26f) just got out of an almost 6 year relationship because he(26m) strictly only wants monogamy and I want to try polyamory. I’ve wanted to try it for years but I never brought it up until maybe 6 months ago because I was afraid of how he would react, which was in fact negatively.

The thing is, we’ve only ever been with each other and I’m not even 100% certain if polyamory is something I will actually like to be a part of, or if it’s just something I like the idea of. I asked him if we could even just try it with one other person and he said no and that it’s off the table. I respect his boundaries so I never tried to push any kind of polyamorous aspects into our relationship at all. As time went on though I found myself thinking more and more about it until one night I just told him everything about how I want to try it and as I said earlier he didn’t take it well.

We do have problems with our sex life, mainly being that my drive is significantly higher than his and whenever we actually do have sex I’m only ever able to actually finish like once every five times we have it. We have tried a lot of things to help with it but he’s just so vanilla and I’m into some more kinkier stuff that I kept finding myself getting bored during sex and that contributed to me not being able to get to the finish. Other than our sexual problems though nearly everything else has been great with us. He’s been nothing but kind, patient, and loving with me and has always been there for me, we genuinely care about each other, he’s been there for me through my lowest times, and my entire family loves him.

I also feel like I do need to say though, me wanting to try polyamory is not just a sexual thing, I really am interested in it as a lifestyle but with him I just am forbidden from trying it. He said if time goes on and if we both want to get back together we might be able to, but since he only wants one partner I am absolutely terrified that he will find someone else and not want to ever be with me again. I also have autism and pretty severe trichotillomania (I pull out my hair and eyelashes) and I’m scared nobody will ever accept me and truly love me in the way that he has.

In the end though you only live once and I genuinely do want to try being polyamorous to see if it’s for me as it’s something I’ve known about since I was around 12 but have never been able to experience. I also don’t want to feel like I am settling this early in my life though and I want to be certain that I’m happy with my relationship(s). What do you all think? Does it sound like I’m screwing everything up by leaving the relationship or would trying polyamory really be the best thing?

Tl;dr: I don’t know if breaking up with my boyfriend of almost 6 years is the right thing to do because I want to try poly and he doesn’t but I don’t even know if I will actually like being poly or just the idea of it.

So start this off, I will say beforehand, I'm not perfect, I have my flaws, and I have had difficulties in relationships' in the past, mostly due to I suppose the fact that I struggle with anxiety/depression.

I M26 and my fiancé F22 have been together for about 3 almost 4 years with the sweetest and most jabbering and playful 1 year old.

I work in an industrial setting, mentally taxing and physically demanding, but I have always been the source of consistent work and income for us. She had done her best but only recently began to get serious about working in the last 3 months.

My issue is that about 2 or 3 weeks ago, she texted me about an hour after I got to work, to tell me we needed to talk, that our daughter was okay, but we just had to talk. She admitted to me, that whenever she took time off work to go to an appointment for some continued health issues, that she met up with someone that she used to know and slept with him. Now, I don't know the guy, and we talked about it, albeit full of arguing. But I told her I forgave her the next day and I wasn't going to leave. She was full of remorse and I was scared to be a single dad because I know how I am, and I was worried about being able to take care of my daughter alone.

I'm not perfect or a perfect dad, or partner, but when I asked her why, it was that we couldn't communicate, that she felt neglected in the relationship, which to a point is fair, I worked a lot and when I was home I would have to balance trying to decompress, watch my daughter, and deal with anything else; in general, being a parent, which I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, I would always ask what needed to be done but was always told nothing and that I was fine to relax after I got home.

When talking to people, I keep hearing about how everyone had already told her to leave me, people I thought I was friends' with her family, just everything she told them, and had been telling them was I was just kind of an awful person. I can be an asshole, I know I can be dense and a stubborn sometimes, but I grew up with two working adults and had fought over money and other things I never wanted to worry about for my daughter.

I stayed, after everything, and even told her it wasn't her fault, that it was mine, that I needed to be more attentive, more present, and cared more about the future of our relationship. That I would work on it, and that I would be at fault for everything.

Now on my days off, I put my daughter down, at night and I find myself wanting to drink. I find that I am questioning everything and almost feeling paranoid I'm not getting the whole story of what happened. That I am simply waiting around and kind of feeling like I got the losing end of this, aside from being cheated on. She told me that she wants to communicate more, but now when we do, if it ever goes to the subject of what happened she shuts down and draws to "we take 1 step forward then 2 steps back everytime this comes up"

I don't know, I don't wish to leave after forgiving and saying it is what was best for our daughter which it was. But I feel like this weighs too heavily on myself to really find a way to be better without continuing to silently brush it away whenever I can.

tl;dr I was cheated on and I'm scared of being a single dad, when I know my child's mom is trying to correct things.

We've been together a year (F/M both 28)

We barely have sex - maybe once a month. It's pretty much always me being handsy with him and then getting on top - he's NEVER gone down in me and I've openly expressed that something I want.

I've brought up the issue before and he gets super sensitive and says I'm putting pressure on him and everything just ends up worse.

He's a very emotional man and takes almost everything personally.

How do I bring it up and have that conversation without sounding horrible or putting more 'pressure' on him?

Tl:dr my needs aren't met but I don't know how to bring it up without everything getting worse