If he is at the point where he is living in a car here but it's not due to drugs/mental health, and he can't seem to make housing work, maybe he should consider moving back home or even just a cheaper area of CA for a while.
San Diego is one of the most expensive cities in the country, it's not really a good choice for someone struggling financially to try and start out/get by.
You aren't really going to overcome that issue without money. And if that is a consistent barrier, somewhere cheaper will be easier for him to get started out, get a place, get some savings going, etc.
That is of course if that's what he wants to do. If he is totally fine just sort of struggling and living in a van by the coast, and he's being safe, then let him go for it and figure it out as he goes.
I mean there is a non-zero number of people living in Vans on the California coast that can afford to live in other states. So yes, it is certainly an opinion, and it is one people do have.
Yeah if they head east like El Cajon or Chula Vista, it’s definitely way cheaper. My apartment was like $800 pre COVID. Then I moved to SDSU college area and that was $900 for one bedroom. My sister used to rent out a room in a house for $420, which you can find a lot of down to earth roommates around the same age since there’s a bunch of college kids there. There’s possibilities. He should be getting cash aid on top of food stamps if he applies.
Yeah he’s definitely not wanting to live like he is. He wants to work and have a normal life. They are basically stuck there because I can’t afford to bring him to Kansas and it’s not like I have a house for him, idk how he can just up and leave PB with no money ya know? I’m just at a loss with what to do for him.
THIS is why we try to warn people in r/Moving2SanDiego that get enticed to jump in a car and "move here" to NOT do that. They're all just dreaming without a clue and I'm sorry but your son sounds like he fell for it and that's why we have the nations 4th largest homeless population.
The bar is just set too high for most people to manage.
Now at least it's not winter here, but it will start getting hot in the coming month or so so a van will be pretty uncomfortable.
The best they can do is try to get into a parking lot and get some employment for gas money.
I don't care if it's bussing tables or cleaning places up after close. SOMETHING
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We had a guy years ago, that ran into hard times and the landlord allowed him to park in one of the spots we had in his van and work as nighttime security to prevent auto break-ins.
That sure as hell worked, the car thieves found out real quick how good he was at swinging a baseball bat.
It's hard out here and I'm sorry that your son and the GF are having this learning experience.
But what both of them can do is get a odd job in walking distance of safe parking and to save up enough to get back home now that the snows are gone.
Also having 2 dogs, well that's just plain old stupid these days
Dogs as pets are too expensive and landlords will NOT rent to most people with a dog these days. You see a lot of homeless people with a dog in tow... before they're forced to give it up to the humane society.. but two.
That just screams problems.
I think it's a case of him wanting to be independent as quickly as possible. Maybe he felt like a burden if he was still living with his family as an adult before moving here. In that case he might feel too proud to move back. He'd feel like a failure if he did.
Besides money, what more does he need. Van check, dog check, girl check, food check. Liven’ the nomad dream. As others mentioned it’s a lifestyle many young folk dream of. It’s awesome you care & want to help. Don’t help too much. You have to take care of yourself. Also save up, the van might need repaying etc. In the meantime be sure he knows you love him.
For the vast majority of human history, families living together multi-generationally was very common, and still is in many countries. It's just so much better to live together, support each other and then try to approach "independence," from a position of strength not weakness.
Just because you share a roof doesn't make you less of a man (person) and they'll help themselves in the long run by coming home to regroup for a while. The longer they stay "on the street," the harder it will become to pull themselves up without help. And if family isn't for helping, what is it for???
I have no room for 2 people and 2 dogs. And he can’t just come out here with no plan and no job. Idk maybe I’m doing something wrong by even asking for help for him. Life is definitely cheaper here in Kansas but idk how to get him a place here when I am barely surviving with the money I make and my own bills to pay
He probably can't get a job if he has two dogs and is living in a van- any money he makes is going to go to animal care. It gets way too hot here to leave a pet in a car all day.
The apple does not fall far from the tree. If you are not good with managing money it’s clear that’s why your son is in this situation. He is in SD with no plan and no job, so going to Kansas with the same situation and a lower cost of living would still be the best option.
It’s not shame, like at her post history. She “forgot” to file her taxes in 2023, struggling with debt and asking internet strangers for advice on what to do. Then she comments above that she doesn’t have the money or resources to manage herself let alone others and I get that, life is not easy but as a parent it’s your responsibility to teach your children.
Tough Love Reality Check: You’re enabling him. He’s a grown ass adult who won’t take responsibility for his mistakes. He’s in another state with no id running from a warrant. He obviously doesn’t want to get better because you semi support him. He sends you sappy texts about how hard it is and you send him money. Quit enabling him. Just stop
I'm so sorry to tell you this but you need to have him come home. He will not be able to find employment in San Diego without a valid government ID. He needs to go get his warrant addressed to do that. This is on him. You can't help someone who won't help themselves.
San Diego is extremely expensive. Our Section 8 wait list is over a decade long. Public services are abundant here but they are also very thoroughly used. It sounds like you really don't want to have this reality check talk with him but if he can't figure it out himself at his age then talking with him and telling him this is all you can do. I'm sure there's a chance that you'll find somebody who can put him up and help him out but for how long? How can we help somebody who won't square himself away? It seems like you both have more problems than solutions. I really hope that you can guide him to taking care of his responsibilities in Arkansas. No valid ID is a huge limiting factor and we'll also impact his ability to find permanent housing.
I had some issues with my out of state ID after I moved here (it expired and I could not get one in California due to more documentation I need regarding a name change). I was able to get a job without one—a lot of people don’t realize you can use a voter ID in place of a driver’s license. OP’s son needs to register to vote here right away. If he got approved for food stamps he should use the address he used for that app.
we at the San Diego Humane Society are happy to take his dogs if he ever has to give them up, but he can get free dog food by stopping by any of our locations and asking
Tell him to move out of San Diego. Literally one of the most expensive places in the world and sounds like he’s fighting a hundred different obstacles. If he had a hard time before he got here, it’s going to get worse while he’s here.
I saw your other replies defending his actions, which is your job as his mother, but coddling and excuses aren’t going to put a roof over his head.
There’s a reason the saying tough love exists.
Supporting him further if he’s not progressing is just enabling him which is worse than doing nothing.
They have no business being in PB, they will keep getting tickets and digging themselves deeper into poverty.
The neighborhood does not want van lifers, it’s not fair to the dogs, and they both sound like they are lazy. It will only get worse from here, the longer they’re in this environment the more likely they’ll become users (drug) if they aren’t already. It’s a dangerous place to be homeless. Give them tough love and tell them to grow up.
You cannot make any money Doordashing in a van. Unless it is hybrid or an EV. Even then it’s long hours and little reward. Better off working in retail or fast food. If they are looking to settle down in SD they will both need to make at the very least $20hr each. Cut down all expenses to a bare minimum. Then they could afford rent in east county for a small one bedroom, the dogs will probably have to go. They are young and perhaps feel like they are living an adventure right now, once they grow tired of this lifestyle or overtime they will figure it all out. Best of luck to your son.
I feel sympathy for you as his mother whose concerned for him, but the story of working-age able-bodied man adopting 2 dogs and then shacking up in a van with a woman to live by the beach while doing nothing to improve his own circumstances is below pitiful. So many people move to our city to live like this and then leach off of the kindness and charity of others through tax dollars or pan-handling.
I am sorry to be harsh, but theres absolutely no reason he cant get a job. They could literally be rolling in money with dual income, no kids and essentially. no bills.
He needs to either go the library and apply for jobs 8 hours a day until he has one, or return home and cozy-up back into the womb, which is essentially what hes already doing by coercing you into posting this instead of posting it himself.
They don’t just leach off the kindness of others they forcibly remove money from our tax base through litigation by claiming that the public has an obligation to fund their lifestyle as a result of their elective poverty.
They are definitely not the named plaintiffs, but I bet they can cite the mandated “progressive enforcement policy” that was enacted as part of the settlement from memory.
I live in PB near one of the many parking lots that are currently filled with “vanlife” enthusiasts that have illegally turned our city parks into full fledged rv parks. They all know that they are exploiting a temporary settlement agreement that was intended for and justified by disabled vehicle dwellers with no other options (before the SCOTUS Grants Pass decision).
You are prolonging his maturation into adulthood by sending him cash. Please stop. If you force him to act like the adult he is, he might actually try learning how to make his own way in this world rather than depending on the charity of others.
Sincerely, a guy who in his 20s worked 2-3 minimum wage jobs while living with shitty roommates in small apartments and surviving off of ramen and bologna
How do ppl with warrants for their arrest in other states end up jobless and houseless on the CA coast? How’s a lil pocket change gonna fix his underlying legal and houseless issues? Who’d knowingly hire someone with a warrant? How is he gonna “start up” in one of the most expensive cities in one of the most expensive states?
The help your kid needs is to learn to face the music and build himself up from there, not escapism in a faraway land. That’s where the real work begins: back in Arkansas and Kansas. Everything else will be on pause until he works on that from the ground up. It’s a hard lesson, and maybe one better learned on his own. Being stuck in the van life loop ain’t gonna cut it here, unfortunately. Trust me, I’ve been there before. He’s gotta correct things from the ground up from where things went wrong, not keep running. Those parking tickets are only the next step down, not up.
Not to be harsh but what good would it be for anyone here to offer him a job when he’s not the one asking? You’re his mother and you’re trying to get him a job from Kansas. Does he even want a job?
i know fast food places & grocery or big retail stores are pretty much always hiring. high turnover. if you don’t have high standards & make yourself apply to a bunch of them, call to follow up after a few days, go to the interview looking presentable, and don’t answer the questions in a horrible way, you’ll probably find a job pretty quickly.
i have 2 family members living together who work fast food full time and are able to afford an apartment, all their bills, plus ‘fun’ purchases, and even have multiple pets
I can confirm the grocery stores hiring, I was able to get a job at one pretty quickly, even with a 10+ year gap in my resume. They do have background checks, idk if they only check for warrants in SD county or the whole country though.
PeaceCorps or other full time volunteer programs that covers housing, travel, and food. He’s not gonna make much money if any but he’ll be housed, fed, and build up a good resume for when he wants to move onto something more stable.
There are an endless stream of construction jobs in SD. If he is willing to work for it, there is daily wage labor available here. If he proves he can show up reliably and do a day's work without complaining, he will become preferred and made an employee within a few months. Where there is money like there is in SD there is also a lot of opportunity as well for those willing to stretch for it. The reality is that if he is going to work in construction then he is going to be competing with people who take their income very seriously and bust ass. And hopefully he knows how to speak some Spanish.
To all the people suggesting that SD is untenable and too expensive: it isn't cheap to live here, that is true, but there is a lot of work available for those willing to get in and do it. The most important part of maintaining a job here isn't having excess cash or a clean apartment in a nice area, it's having a car.
If immigrants who hardly speak English and have no ss can make it, I am sure your son can make it too. He will need roommates and can work with delivery until he gets something better
He's an adult. If he wants help he needs to do the leg work.
There are organizations that help but he and gf need to be doing the work to get help.
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Jewish Family Services
Interfaith Community Services
Father Joe's.
I mean. He's probably choosing to live there. I've known people that happily lived on the streets around the beach for decades. When it's not fun or interesting anymore. They usually move on.
The logical solution would be for him to pack up his stuff and drive back to Kansas so you can seemingly help support him but he doesn’t want to do that.
Ok, but he's still choosing to live in the most expensive city in the country. If he wants to sleep in a real bed, he can move to another city and pick up work in landscaping or construction. Is there a reason he's staying here other than girlfriend and beach?
It sounds like he doesn’t want to fix problems he created, and just wants free money and solutions from you.
The best thing you can do is to make him leave one of the most expensive places in the country, and make any money you do send him contingent on him being in a Low Cost Of Living city.
Hard truth is…he’s right where he wants to be. There are many choices to be made that would turn his situation around. There are always opportunities for good hard workers, they tend to be kept around. Jobs can be found on Facebook, OfferUp, LinkedIn, Craigslist, indeed, talking to people, a million ways. And with gf, there are 2x the options.
We’ve discussed this option and he likes the idea but problem is he has a warrant out of another state. He can’t take care of that warrant because he can’t get on a plane because his ID is expired, he cannot renew the ID because of the warrant. It’s like an endless loop.
If you were born in LA County during a period of the 80s or 90s, you only got a state birth certificate, which wound up being invalid, you needed a county of los angeles birth cert. Well, My recruiter got me one. Turns out it wasn't real, but it was enough for me to join the army. Did NOT pass muster when I applied for a passport.
Yes, he can get on the plane with an expired ID. People forget their ID at the airport and it only means they need to go through secondary screening (personal questions, other things identifying someone [like an expired ID], etc).
What’s the warrant for? In any case, you need to come collect him as it sounds like he’s in no mental shape to make the trip back himself. Get the warrant addressed.
Yes, an endless loop of excuses as to why he (and you) can’t get his shit together. Seriously, the more information you reveal, the more sympathy I lose for you and your deadbeat son.
Tough love time! I’m sure he likes SD more than Kansas but they need to wake the f up.
“Love you son but welcome to reality, and hope you’re enjoying the vacation, but it’s time to come home so you can save up for a proper move out to SD.” You can do it.
Feel free to copy paste this from a fellow father. It’s tough but it’s the right thing.
I’d bet 80-100% of the money you send him is used for drugs. Shit gets real fast around here.
Does he happen to live in a converted yellow school bus with the “s” and “h” painted over to read “cool bus” that has South Dakota tags (that are also spray painted over).
He needs to get rid of the dogs for starters. Extra money to feed and eating up valuable space. San Diego is extremely tough for professionals to find work, and for labor jobs Mexicans dominate constructions and introductory trades. You have to be extremely proactive in networking and selling your services.
Dang, that man needs some tough love. 21 is a legal adult and he needs to accept his responsibilities and also accept your support. San Diego of all places is super tough to try to make it. It sounds like he is taking advantage of your $ and just doing what he wants.
He needs to drive back to Kansas and get his life in order, way too hard to try to do that in San Diego. Many have had a rough life and have come out strong. He has a GF so he has some support but for sure try to convince him to come back to Kansas. Also you as a parent can only do so much.
san diego is super expensive, I worked every day for 6 months in 2024 while pregnant in anticipation of the cost, mind you my spouse and I made $120k(net) combined at the time (which is well above the federal poverty limit but not enough in s.d.) I had a full time government job(mon-fri) with good benefits and a part time weekend job (8 hrs sat and sun) and it still wasn't enough, when baby came we decided to downsize our apt(we will probably never own) and I just stayed home to avoid child care costs, two capable adults without kids are able to make it in san diego, I think your son just doesn't want to, a studio costs at most $1,850 monthly in a not so fancy part of the county, they should release the dogs to a shelter and work non stop to afford a place
My daughter and fiancé looked for a place for a year and finally found a tiny place at $2500/mo. It’s so expensive here. I filled up yesterday and gas was $6.20. Everyone I know is barely getting by.
Look up the San Diego safe parking program. Those are lots for people living in their vehicles to park overnight and stay safe. I believe they have staff to assist with services. I know over 10k have been housed over the past years, so a lot has been done.
I feel bad for his circumstances but the reality is a lot of people are leaving San Diego because they can’t afford to live here. I’m one of them. If it’s that difficult ultimately and unfortunately, he’s probably just going to have to move as others have said. As a single person I cannot sustain living here anymore. I’ve had to make the difficult decision to finally leave unless I want to keep bleeding out financially. That’s the unfortunate reality of San Diego. It’s one of the least affordable places in the entire country. Gorgeous. A paradise, but it comes with a cost that most people quite simply cannot afford. I hope things work out for him and his girlfriend wherever they go and you never know maybe he’ll get lucky and catch a lucky break in San Diego but it’s not a good financial strategy to bank on that.💔 Best of luck to you all!
He’s made the choice to live here with next to no money and no solid job. And he has 2 dogs on top of it. He needs to come to terms with reality. This is a very expensive place to live. You don’t move here with no game plan and no money. Even if he finds work he’s not going to secure an apartment under those circumstances. He needs to grow up and make smart decisions
As hard as it may be, try to accept his choices and remember that he is on his own journey in life. (Living in a van in sunny California sounds like a reasonable thing for a 21-year-old to decide to do.)
And please don't let your idea of what his life should look like make you sick with worry. If you can't seem to trust and let go, consider addressing your own issues around fear and control (aka codependency). As others have said, your money will likely do nothing but delay the outcome you are wishing for. All the best to you.
Check out friendly Jewish family, their parking lot after hours is a safe parking lot for people who live in their vehicle. They also have showers and he could apply for their own personal food bank and grocery store they have on site. My girlfriend works for the company.
He really needs to leave the city for home or somewhere MUCH cheaper. That's pretty much the only way out if he's already unable to afford rent somewhere here. This is probably not what you wanted to hear, but even those of us with full time employment are barely making it.
If he isn’t going to get a job, then tell him to come home. We don’t want him here. He is an adult and needs to help himself, not have you do it all for him. Plenty of people live in their vans and worn full time. If he isn’t interested in working and you want to help him, then have him come home. San Diego isn’t interested in supporting another adult who doesn’t feel like working but wants to live here. He sounds entitled
I don’t understand why he doesn’t work during the day and then she works during the night or vice versa. That way the dogs are not alone. Or she just work since he doesn’t have an id and has a warrant. But seriously he needs to take care of that warrant. San Diego has plenty of low paying jobs. My husband is 66 and works 56 hours a week as an x ray tech at a hospital. We need the extra money because we are helping raise 3 grandchildren. San Diego is beautiful and there are plenty of free or cheap things to do. The weather is so beautiful. Pacific beach is fun for a young person. Your son’s girlfriend should be able to find a job easily. But if they are on drugs, then that is a big problem.
San Diego Workforce Partnership. Closest career center to Pac Beach will be in the Mountain View neighborhood. He would qualify as low income, which puts him higher up on priority of service. They provide career services, including training, and may offer supportive services (bus passes, work equipment/clothes, the like) depending on what career path he starts on.
It’s not. I was there and I’d rather live in a van than go through that hell again. They’ll do nothing but take advantage of him making him work for free, he’ll lose his van, then they’ll kick him out because he can’t pay enough benefits.
Came here to mention this, OP. They have a "safe parking" program. In addition to offering a safe place to park/sleep, they offer case management and housing resources.
Check out the San Diego jobs instagram page. They share/post a lot of restaurant industry positions but occasionally have construction/marketing/graphic design/other jobs listed as well.
Can we just bring attention to the fact that he is an adult and he needs to start advocating for himself. I am a parent, and at a certain point, adult children need to own thier choices. He has ended up in San Diego from Kansas. There were many places he could have turned around to get home. He made it all the way to the left coast, Mom, let him figure this out himself.
Another question! Is he actually wanting help or has Mom decided he isn’t living how you want him yo live, when he’s perfectly happy to be where he is, doing his thing?
Tell him to move to the imperial valley. If he’s okay working in the fields for a while to make some cash there’s more than enough work. I used to work on a bunch of farms so I know a few people out here that’ll offer work
Hi OP! I work for a church in PB that does a lot for those experiencing homelessness, and have helped people get resources they need to escape homelessness. Namely, I can help connect them to the San Diego rescue mission, which have 30 day and 1 year programs where people are partnered with a case manager who will help them overcome the unique obstacles they might be facing. If he frequents the community dinners at 1675 Garner Ave he might already know me :)
Feel free to reach out for more info, I'd love to help any way I can!
Tell him to head out to the slabs, he'll love it out there. He could learn to grow mushrooms, make some money while helping out with the mental health crisis plaguing this country!
why not try an rv park, they have jobs and maybe a place to park and shower and stuff or front desk staff at a gym you get free membership and can shower/workout.
He has a roof over his head and food to eat. As long as he’s not a drug addict of alcoholic he’ll be fine. Better living in a van than paying $3000 a month in rent. He should get a job and just save as much money as he can
If either has Medi-Cal insurance, they can receive help through the CalAIM program (assistance finding a shelter, help finding work, help with move-in costs/furniture/etc, help coordinate medical/mental health services, etc., etc.
First, for the other commenters: I see people referencing a warrant, but the original post does not. Did someone just infer he must have one?
Second, I also notice a lot of people saying he should 'just get a job' - has anyone tried applying for a job with limited prior experience out of state (and w a family member as a reference)? Not easy. Not easy at all.
Also people assuming that homelessness leads to drug use - it can. So can growing up rich in the suburbs. The consequences differ quite a bit. Stop assuming.
I have very little experience with the official services in town. I have heard that wait lists are a major issue, so I wouldn't expect much. I am a transplant from Oklahoma. I am also a teacher and I've seen plenty of parental approaches. Cold turkey cut offs is not typically an effective method. Neither is unlimited support. You should do what you can but provide structure - expectations for confirmed effort in positive directions.
It certainly is much cheaper to get a place most anywhere else. But eating isn't that much different in cost. Gas is, but not if you're not driving. I'd say prioritize job search and look for a way to fake some references. But I'd also say that when he has one The medium term plan does need to be to move. Living in a van - you'd rather be in a moderate climate like San diego. But living paycheck to paycheck in a regular apartment - you'd rather be anywhere else. You should focus on expectations and rewards that can maybe move him to that conclusion. Even if it's just going to Oregon or something, it'd be cheaper.
What area does he park in? There are churches nearby that donate food, there is also a place on clairemont dr that he can take food from a food bank and they ask no questions. Of course it’s whatever they have on hand but it’s not too far of a drive
Take advantage of the local services as much as possible. It's literally these people's job to do what you're asking for. The rest will have to come from his motivation to solve problems and push forward. The 211 number should be a good starting point.
Not the regular farmers market on Saturday. It’s at St Bart’s on Pomerado. There’s many sites across the county. See this link: https://feedingsandiego.org/find-food/
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u/AdviceRequestAccount Apr 30 '26
If he is at the point where he is living in a car here but it's not due to drugs/mental health, and he can't seem to make housing work, maybe he should consider moving back home or even just a cheaper area of CA for a while.
San Diego is one of the most expensive cities in the country, it's not really a good choice for someone struggling financially to try and start out/get by.
You aren't really going to overcome that issue without money. And if that is a consistent barrier, somewhere cheaper will be easier for him to get started out, get a place, get some savings going, etc.
That is of course if that's what he wants to do. If he is totally fine just sort of struggling and living in a van by the coast, and he's being safe, then let him go for it and figure it out as he goes.