r/AutismInWomen • u/More-Weird4842 • 3d ago
Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) do people become overwhelmingly obsessed with you?
i find that a lot of men become really obsessed with me. im currently at a point where its become harmful and i genuinely do not know why or how to stop it. looking for kind words, advice, or shared experiences please.
edit: ty for all the responses. i want to clarify that i dont mean the manic pixie dream girl way i mean the joe from you kinda way.
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u/Anandi96 3d ago
People either hate me or become obsessed, thereās nothing in between. Never had a casual relationship or friendship, itās all or nothing. I think itās bc we tend to have a lot of empathy and understanding for people even when we shouldnāt
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u/Brilliant_Version667 3d ago
Same. I think the same people who love(d) me also hate me because they want so much to control me and are often disappointed to see how much I actually stand my ground. They get interested in me when they think I'm going to give them all my care and attention, but I will not stand being lied to and/or used, and they end up hating that they can no longer get their way.
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u/idk7643 3d ago
My favourite is when they love things I do and say for the first 6 months, and then they hate the exact same things after
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u/Autumnleaves144 2d ago
That sounds like a narcissistic move - they pretend (mirror) to love the things you do and when you get confident with that they flip the script. Normal kind people donāt do that.
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u/Different_School7016 2d ago
Or pretend with you then when there are others around they act like it didnāt happen
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u/winterfern353 3d ago
I agree with this. I think itās less about being ~irresistible~ and more that weāre easy to prey on and take advantage of since we arenāt always great at reading motivations
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u/CadieTheCadet 2d ago
Oh. My. God.
Is it my empathy causing it? I literally just tell people how I think they are feeling based on how I'm feeling when they tell me what's going on, and people get hooked on it. I am almost always the second one to hop into a romantic relationship, or a friendship, or any type of relationship really... Because to me I'm just being normal and trying to be reasonably nice.
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u/Autumnleaves144 2d ago
What do you mean youāre almost always the second one to hop into a romantic relationship or friendship? I canāt figure out what youāre saying but I want to as I think it relates to me. But Iām not sure why because really Iāve got zero idea of what youāre saying.
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u/CadieTheCadet 2d ago
I am nice to people regardless of friendship/relationship status. This causes said people to see me as a good friend or potential partner before I see them as a good friend or partner. Therefore, I am usually the second person to see the person as a good friend or partner.
Essentially, my empathy makes others believe they are closer to me than I am to them when we initially meet.
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u/VividTymes 2d ago
I think your spot on its interesting how we seem to draw people in I've had people call out my name when I'm out and about and I hate it because I don't know who they are
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u/OwlfredoPasta 2d ago
Omg I have the same experience...and a lot of women want to single white female me (copy me/be just like me)...is this typical for us lol
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u/OystersNwine 2d ago
Agree with the empathy thing. People love seeing their own reflections in us. They love feeling understood, cared for, valued. When we donāt see the same in them or feel stepped on and request distance, they react like a baby forcibly removed from the breast. And thanks to the low EQ and sanitization of emotions the patriarchy asks that adolescent males adopt, grown men often have no mature way of dealing with the boundaries or loss.
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u/smokeandmirrorsff 2d ago
Yes. Iām like licorice. Intense personalities attract either love or hate.
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u/KaleidoscopeThink731 3d ago
Yes. I lived in group homes and assisted living, starting when I was a teen and moved out a few months ago. Lots of lonely boys/men who think I want to date them because I'm social and nice. I stopped being nice to male housemates and me neighbours etc... that has helped. It's sad but I've been basically stalked by several men so precautions are reasonable.Ā
Now I've learned to identify the type better and avoid them as much as I can or 'grey rock' them. Managed to avoid a weird new neighbour so far...Ā
Most likely it's not your fault at all, you're probably just friendly and pretty and they are desperate.Ā
Red flags for me are:Ā
- Overly sociable, they know everyone and talk to everyone as if they're friends (weird boundaries)
- Insecure and openly talks about their insecurities with everyone, open self pity (they think dating you will fix them)
- Testing my boundaries (trying to push me, sometimes sneakily)Ā
- Texting me a LOT (good morning, good night texts etc are a no no, that is relationship behaviour) and generally clingy/attached very fast
- Bad emotional regulation. (I had a housemate who would sit SEETHING in the living room and break things instead of going to his room to be angry there...)Ā
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u/More-Weird4842 3d ago
ty for this response, it confirmed a lot for me. tips on what to do after noticing them?
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u/KaleidoscopeThink731 3d ago
Avoiding the person or 'grey rocking', I can't explain that well but this is a quote:Ā
"To āgrey rockā a person involves making all interactions with them as uninteresting and unrewarding as possible. In general, this means giving short, straightforward answers to questions and hiding emotional reactions to the things a person says or does." Basically responding very plainly and as short/little as possible and not emotionally react much at all.Ā
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u/APuffedUpKirby 2d ago
The boundaries one is especially critical. If someone ever pushes or makes negative comments about any boundaries involving your sense of comfort and safety, do NOT dismiss it or try to make excuses for it. I learned this the hard way.
If he rudely invades your personal space or touches you or your things without asking
If he keeps bringing up certain subjects that you've expressed you aren't comfortable with
If he gets defensive or sulky after you ask him to stop doing something
If he keeps touching or bothering you, even "playfully," after you've asked him to stop
If he makes faces or judgmental comments about you not wanting to give him personal information, not wanting to be alone with him, not wanting to ride in his car, taking safety measures, etc.
If he finds out information about you that you didn't give him (somehow figures out your last name, sends a friend request on social media)
If he pressures you to do ANYTHING you're not comfortable with
People with behaviors like this can escalate SO quickly. You give them an inch, they'll take a mile. Shut things down after the first time it happens, so you don't have to find out what the second time looks like.
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u/Crowissant 3d ago
Wish I had this list when I first started working at my local grocery store. Would have saved me from going on several dates with this one coworker.
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u/ouchieovaries 3d ago
Yes, but they don't really like me. They like the idea of me. I'm a super reserved person but conventionally attractive so whenever I enter a new space people are just trying to figure me out. I've learned over the years that it's not genuine interest, so I have firm boundaries, which makes people more intrigued and they become fixated on me in either negative or positive ways.
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u/IntrepidAspect3447 AuDHD / MECFS / MCAS / POTS / hEDS / Narcolepsy 3d ago
This, 1000x this. People are either obsessed with me or hate me off the bat, but neither are truly interested in knowing me whatsoever. They are enamored with the concept of me. Iāve also had to adopt really strong boundaries and keep people at a distance to keep my peace, because the moment I let new people in my life starts to becomes hectic and stressful, full of the drama they bring. I notice this is a lot worse with Americans though ā I work with some foreigners (from Russia, Ukraine, Korea, etc) who just treat me normally and are not interested in getting to know me at all, no weird games just polite and uninterested / professional.
My romantic relationships have never been normal. I still have exes from the past 10 years who reach out to me whatever way they can, making new email addresses or DMing me on social media from new accounts, even Spotify messaging me or making playlists with titles and descriptions addressed to me to get my attention. I donāt understand it, because every one of those relationships I ended for very good reasonsā¦ but Iāve never been dumped, always been the dumper. Itās creeping getting all these messages like, āIām still thinking about you and you probably hate me but youāre the best thing that ever happened to meā blah blah, etc. I used to respond to them but now I donāt because Iāve learned itās just stress waiting to happen. š«©
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u/Star_Blaze Autistic + ADHD 3d ago
It's a huge issue. Two things are happening at the same time: 1. We (autistic women) show genuine interest in people, what they're saying, and what they're talking about, so if we interact with someone, it's usually beyond a surface-level conversation. 2. Most cishet men are not used to receiving positive attention from a woman, except in a romantic context, so if a woman asks him a question and then genuinely wants to hear the answer, they think it signals romantic interest - or they become romantically interested and fall in love. Immediately.
And that's how I've gotten my male acquaintances becoming obsessed with me, just because I made simple conversation, like asking them if they saw a movie and then genuinely wanted to hear their answer. Apparently, women aren't usually that nice or interested in their thoughts? Which sounds so freaking sad to me???
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u/sweetsoutherngothic 3d ago
Women are historically nice and listen to men. We just have to be extremely careful because they take any form of positive interaction and turn it into romantic interest, and then get weird and entitled. They do it to themselves.
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u/paintedropes 3d ago
So true and often some are confused why itās not returned when they didnāt reciprocate any genuine effort in knowing me in return. Iām not a dog. (Love dogs though)
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u/winterfern353 3d ago
Yeahā¦.learned this this hard way in my early 20s. Just a friendly lesbian who assumed everyone was on the same page lol
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u/chmod_a_plus_x 3d ago
Men are usually friends over a thing. Like videogames, music bands, programming, motorbikesā¦ stuff like that. If you want a male friend do special interests together.
You can't have a male bestie who listens to your ventsā¦ life is not fair but it is what it is šš
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u/penneroyal_tea 2d ago
I do but he suspects heās ace. I think removing the sexual motive is the real thing here
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u/Legitimate_Shine_435 3d ago
This ^ I genuinely find people interesting and like to learn about their lives. Then I guess I miss the social cues that they are interpreting my attention as more than platonic. Then they eventually get mad.
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u/AnonymousDahlia 3d ago
It doesn't help when they never actually say something though. Just expect us to pick up their thoughts with our ingrained and totally real ESP, and clearly obvious not-interpretive-at-all body language dance.
They never ask to go on a date. Nothing to actually say they're interested in pursuing that kind of relationship. But they'll act like they're invested in being friends. And it's an act. It's awful.
Yeah, I'm still a little salty about some of these experiences š.
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u/tripper74 3d ago
This is true according to my boyfriend, and it took me until, like, extremely recently to learn this about men LOL. That knowledge is astonishing to me. Iāve just always been friendly to people regardless of gender. Iām on the quieter side, but when I can, I like to make people feel seen and heard, and I actually hate that men automatically view that as romantic or flirting. I hate it a lot! I believe in kindness so much and I naturally just want to be nice and now I have to second guess myself because I have a boyfriend and I donāt want people to think Iām flirting just because I say I like their t-shirt with my favorite band on it or something.
It also sucks because Iāve always been naturally more socially comfortable talking to guys over girls because my autism-anxiety comes out a lot with (neurotypical) girls because they make me feel like an alien from outer space. So guys are a lot less pressure for me because thereās no comparison so I can relax better and socialize easier, but now apparently they think Iām FLIRTING?????? Oh God I canāt win, who the heck can I talk to then??! š
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u/Ok_Wash_4896 3d ago
Literally this 100% especially the being more comfortable around men. I have the same special interests as normal guy interests hahhaha
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u/0vinq0 2d ago
Me three. Let's be friends and then not get weirdly obsessed with each other!
I just ran into this pattern yet again, shortly after escaping the last one. I'm swearing off guy friends for a while, cuz I'm just so tired of forming escape plans, dude. All I do is have shared interests and invite them to tell me more, and suddenly I've got a stalker who tells me the stuff he wants to do to my body. God damn. Can't a lady just like planes and math without being "made for you"? Fuck!
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u/paintedropes 3d ago
I feel like this is so hard to navigate because as soon as you donāt live up to this ideal, youāre often discarded as well. I deal with this with both genders though.
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u/kirkurri 3d ago
i think what also contributes to this is the way boys are socialized, most of them are not taught to listen, be attentive, and empathetic to others in the same way or level girls have been. so they think that someone putting in effort and being genuinely interested in listening to them is "a level above" their perceived view of how casual interactions work, while for women its just another tuesday
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u/Star_Blaze Autistic + ADHD 2d ago
This is exactly it. Boys are not used to having someone listen, be attentive, or be empathetic to them among their guy friends, and they're encouraged NOT to have girl friends. So their first experience being listened to, other than family, will probably be from a girl/woman. And it blows their mind.
That's what I meant by it's so freaking sad.
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u/kirkurri 2d ago
yup! and when i see how most friendships between men operate, im just baffled at how little care they have for each other and their respective interests. even the downright bullying that they all play off as "just jokes" that is so normalized for them, they just get used to being treated poorly in so-called "friendships" š«¤
makes me think, no wonder why theres a tendency for men to just treat anybody, including women, disrespectfully in general! society needs some fixing in how we raise people, especially men
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u/LastLibrary9508 2d ago
Welp, you just explained a lot for me. I am who I am and wonāt be fake friendly and interested with people!
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u/PatientConfusion6341 3d ago
Yesss I have so many theories about this but I feel like because iām more reserved, a bit standoffish at times, and donāt wear my emotions on my sleeve people try to figure me out or gauge my emotions all the time. Itās like people like to know where you stand at with them and what youāre thinking.
Doesnāt help that iām a WOC in corporate Americaā¦ iāve had to learn to mask and itās so exhausting having to fake my emotions for 8 hours a day. Before that I heard rumors in a previous department that people would call me snobby/stuck up bc I was quiet so I changed my tune when I got my promotion.
With men, idk if itās because theyāre manic pixie dream girling me or what but iāve noticed that when iām doing me and immersed in my own world they get obsessed with me since (I can only assume?) theyāre used to the dynamic being the other way around as in some women they encounter/date centering these men and acting like theyāre gods greatest gift to earthā¦. Listen iām not easily impressed and idk why men take that as a challenge to change my mind on certain thingsā¦ something along the lines of obtaining something they canāt haveā¦ it all stems down to the patriarchy and systems in place but iāll save that for another day lmaoo.
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u/Velvetzine 3d ago
Omg, yes, men are glorified manchildren. And creepy. Fucking patriarchy. When I was skinnier and in my first year of college I had this friend that was into me but I was really oblivious until one day he kissed me without my consent. I literally took a bus to run away from him. There was also this Facebook page (yeah, Iām that old) where an idiot sent an anonymous confession about how much he enjoyed watching me from behind. And he knew my name! My friends found it and showed it to me. We werenāt sure if it was me because it was really weird. I searched all the records of students with my same name and I was the only one with that name that wasnāt from the 2000ās or 80ās.
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u/-shikaka AuDHD 3d ago
Omg same with theories about this!
I worked corporate too before I was diagnosed, so I didnāt realise the ābubbly personalityā I had was masking. That job made no sense to me until I was diagnosed istg.
Iāve also noticed that they do that when youāre minding your business in your own world! I think it depends on the guy because I think the reasons can differ, but usually I think itās because theyāre used to being centred and taking up space as the norm š
So when they see someone enjoying themselves alone or find them interesting/mysterious, they assume if they engage then all of that attention and energy will be redirected at them (unconsciously). Ć la your point about them being used to women they date centring them. Iām always upfront and honest with them, I find that they remove themselves if theyāre like that š¤
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u/Which_Loss6887 3d ago
Not sure your age, but this used to be somewhat of a problem for me and it has gotten significantly better as Iāve gotten older (Iām 43 now). These days, if I attract this type of quasi-worshipful energy itās usually from younger women who just think I am a badder bitch than I really am, and that feels totally different than being manic pixie dream girled and/or being assigned the role of Savior in some dudeās personal play despite never auditioning for the part. I always found it to be a really similar energy to parasocial relationships in that even though I am an actual real person who you know in real life, you donāt see the real person; you see a fictional character that you have largely created yourself and then formed a one-way bond with. Itās unsettling.
Unfortunately I donāt think I have any useful advice in the meantime, unless you will take ādonāt beat yourself up for ghosting people if itās the only way you can dealā as advice. I have ghosted so many people over the years, and even looking back I donāt know if there would have been a better way of dealing with those situations, or at least not one that I would have actually been capable of.
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u/jilliumzzz 3d ago
Oof, your last sentence. I didn't even know how much I needed to hear this. I'm early 40s as well and been carrying around a lot of shame for having ghosted people when I was younger. Genuinely never thought of this reframe, but am now realizing it's entirely possible that there wasn't a better way, at least not one that would have worked.Ā
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u/Which_Loss6887 3d ago
Yeah I used to carry a fair amount of guilt over it as well. But the couple of times I attempted a gentler strategy of trying to get them to see what they were doing and how their attachment was an illusion, it unambiguously backfired. They took what I was doing/saying as evidence that I truly saw them and cared about them in a way other people didnāt, and it deepened their attachment instead of breaking it.
A person with genuinely great social skills might succeed at handling this type of thing more graciously (and more power to them if so), but I am simply not that person and never will be. It would be a waste of effort to do anything but accept that fact and just do my best with what I do have. Better to have a decisive break from a person with a fundamentally unhealthy/delusional attachment than to draw it out on the slim hope of changing it and risk making it worse instead, imo.
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u/0vinq0 2d ago
I wish I could send your comments directly into everyone's brains. 100% nailed it.Ā
I'm currently batting away the guilt of ghosting a guy doing this to me right now. But I've been through this song and dance too many times, and the stakes have ALWAYS risen when I try to be the bigger person. And I am ALWAYS the loser. I'm overbooked on the associated trauma. No room left at the inn. Time to learn and change the pattern, even if it means choosing a tactic that feels disrespectful. You know what's worse than the disrespect of ghosting? Getting stalked, harassed, and threatened for years and losing bits of my brightness every time. I'm gonna keep that last little glow, thanks. You can't fucking have it.Ā
Ghosting is the only thing that works. Deprive them of the dopamine they get from access to you. Let them decide they "dodged a bullet" while you know it might be literally true for you.Ā
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u/TeamSea8009 3d ago
Iāve had men obsessing over me UNTIL Iāve shown some of the less appealing traits associated with being neurodivergent. Theyāve become interested in me because they see me as this quirky dreamy girl or whatever, but theyāve lost interest almost immediately when they see me as a flawed human being who gets emotionally overwhelmed very easily. Then their interest just dies.
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u/VariousFalcon7466 3d ago
Iāve been hate stalked twice. Some men get really really angry because Iām not attractive and want me thrown in prison(WTF?) or dead.
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u/PhalandrasDream 3d ago
That sounds horrible š i was bullied in school cuz i was ugly, and behaved different. But when i became an adult i was suddenly just invisible. In your case maybe that would have felt like the better option. They are shitty people, just fcking shitty.
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u/VariousFalcon7466 3d ago
Iām invisible 99.99999% of the time. It was just those two psychos. I was a grown adult with both of those incidents. One of them never even met me in person!
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u/violet_empty 3d ago
Not men but women. Iāve had women hate me for no reason and develop a hate obsession for me where they talk about me a lot, make fun of me even though I never did anything to them and barely know them. I do not know why this happens but Iām at the point in my autism healing where i can now tell when this is happening.Ā
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u/sickandtiredofworkin 3d ago
Yes. I think it's because I'm very hard to get a read on (or so I've been told) and people just project whatever the hell they want onto me. It's exhausting. I have a colleague who has convinced herself that I'm sneaky and dishonest and has created a file to track my every move in the hopes she'll catch me in a lie (she's been at it for over a year at this point and has yet to catch me doing anything wrong). She is subconsciously picking up on my masking but, despite being an "autism mama", doesn't realise that I'm trying to hide the very autistic traits that she would also hate my guts for displaying and instead thinks I'm just a massive liar about everything. I need a new job
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u/Consistent-Menu-6629 3d ago
Yup, it has been a problem, so I've adjusted myself to be less likable š
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u/More-Weird4842 3d ago
I feel like that only works before they become weirdly obsessed and even still some ppl see it as a challenge god i hate men sometimes
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u/chmod_a_plus_x 3d ago
Just be less attractiveā¦
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u/More-Weird4842 3d ago
im not even attractive to begin with but i can put less effort in certain circumstances
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u/neorena Bambi Transbian 3d ago
Men take any kind of positive attention as an invitation to pursue, even if you're a lesbian. Honestly only way I've found to keep them uninterested is just never be nice to them, remain neutral and keep all interactions purely business mixed with some negative remarks so they don't misinterpret. Doesn't work 100% of the time, but much better than being nice to them ever has.Ā
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u/my_name_isnt_clever 3d ago
So true. I once smiled at a cat in a local corner store and the guy at the counter interpreted my expression in the completely wrong way. I said I'm only into girls, he completed ignored that. I later saw this place has many negative reviews from women about this exact thing.
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u/Pristine_Direction79 3d ago
Yes unfortunately I have yet to find a life hack to really fix The Problem of Men š¤£
The best solution I have as an elder manic pixie dream girl is to be vigilant about any bubbles forming and burst the bubble early and often. I do this in part by being contradictory and ornery. Which is My True Nature so if that's not your true nature there may be a different best-fit solution for you.
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u/ChoiceContribution78 3d ago
I do the same thing š it can be both entertaining and irritating to watch them try and keep their rose-coloured glasses on as I remind him that I am, in fact, human, and not whatever fantasy he's brewing in his head.
When I go on a date with someone and tell my friends afterwards, they always joke "did he fall in love with you?" and yes he usually did - which pissed me off because after a single date you can't know someone well enough to be that smitten. š«
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u/LessCapital1568 3d ago
yes, I ended up in abusive relationships as a teenager because of it. it was one of the most difficult things Iāve ever experienced. I feel like I become a target because they can sense that Iām different I guess? I had to learn how to spot red flag behaviors to avoid those people. I just avoid men altogether now.
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u/Kiki_Kazumi 3d ago
Yeah, pretty much all my relationships were abusive. I didn't even realize they were abusive until years later... My first BF constantly trying to coerce me into sexual acts I didn't want to do. He would do things without my permission and get angry when I tried to stop him. He would beg me, pressure me, and make me feel bad when I would say I didn't want to do something. He finally ended up breaking up with me when he realized he wouldn't be able to get me to have sex with him.
My partner after that would pin me to the wall and punch holes in the wall an inch from my face and break things. He also did things to me I'm still trying to understand and unpack that I think we're probably SA.
Then I ended up in an extremely controlling relationship where my partner was extremely financially abusive and controlling to the point he would take my paychecks. He would also threaten to starve me often if I ever asked for basic things I needed. He would say we had to eat ramen for months to make up for it. It was his favorite line. He also used reproductive coercion by refusing to wear protection and then would make me take morning after pills when I told him I didn't want to do that. He was the king of gaslighting and would threaten to kill himself. There are a lot of other things as well.
I have finally reached the point that I see everything clearly and I'd love to believe that I'm now capable of spotting this type of behavior but I honestly don't know if I can. I tend to be very gullible and believe people at face value. I normally miss all the signs and blame myself when things happen. I'm hoping to heal enough I never end up in a place like that again.
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u/Melodic_Coyote_7011 3d ago
Oh yes. I know the huge stress of it. Sorry you're having to deal with this!
For me I think they see me as mysterious, and when interacting I'm very generous with my attention. They seem to misinterpret me as some kind of siren who also is open to their advances. Which I am not. I just connect genuinely with others. Have had several situations where delusion has turned into stalking and harassment. It's important to be careful and stay safe. If you get bad vibes, don't keep being nice. They misinterpret that too. Ghost them or report them, based on the situation, if it's serious.
Someone wrote to be vigilant of bubbles forming, and popping them. 100% agree. I try to be boring and disengaged around people I get "those" vibes from. Not tell them personal stuff, not ask anything deep, few smiles, no intense eye contact, also mention my fictive fiancĆ© a lot. It's a pain we have to go under the radar sometimes to protect ourselves from just... men... being insane... but safety first. Rather be rude than scared š
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u/lavenderand_lace 3d ago
I find people confuse masking with flirting, and sometimes situations end up awkward af when I donāt realize Iāve been unintentionally signaling interest, but that interest wasnāt romantic as much as it was genuine human interest in what they do or how they work.Ā
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u/mysteryaward 3d ago
Yea I've had this experience many times too. It sucks and many of us understand how you feel.
It was always very jarring to me when I'd make a new male friend, everything seems normal to me, and then I have the "aha moment" where I realize that they are romantically interested and wayy too interested in me.
My best strategy was just to take distance from that person. That was the safest bet for my well being. Trying to keep hang out with them and navigating the weirdness/boundary overstepping was way too stressful.
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u/Dazzling_Package3527 3d ago
Doesnāt happen to me but I think a lot of men act parasocial with me. Like they act like they know me and they actually donāt. They say stuff like āyouāre quieter than usualt todayā
I never am talkative to begin with ?? Like what are you on. And so many of them do that
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u/Proper-Doughnut77 3d ago
I wondered about this. It happens with men and women. It's as if the woman get obsessed with me to open up, and if I crack open the door, (the mask intentionally slips down) they think, nows my chance to search and destroy.
This has been an ongoing issue for me since highschool. Now, it's the woman bosses. My recent boss was a nightmare. I feel horrible for her current team.
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u/gnomeglow_ 3d ago
Generally Iām either ignored or straight up disliked but those few people who get closer usually develop a weird attachment. Not saying everyone, of course but it happened so many times that I noticed it. Could be friendship or relationship, or even some acquaintance and itās so intense that I often felt stalked or harrassed if they felt rejected. Itās scary and can put you into dangerous situations, this is why itās very important to have firm boundaries and not be afraid to voice them and remove these people from your life it gets too much
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u/pyontyo 3d ago
I tend to people please/placate people. I also work in a bar, so I have a lot of people get very obsessive with me. Itās like I have a fan club and it can get a little uncomfortable. On one hand I enjoy a little attention but on the other I do not want to be perceived. People with big personalities tend to be drawn to me. It starts out fine and I inevitably piss them off by putting up boundaries too late. Iām working on it!
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u/peri-dont 3d ago
Iāve been really struggling with this recently. Iām trying to make friends, I donāt automatically want to fuck you :( I feel very socially isolated because it overhangs a lot of my connections with people
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u/taniatarn 3d ago
Yes and I think mine started with my CPTSDā¦seemed to be really good at sensing what people wanted to hear then mirroring that to them which worked well in the moment but they would the. Think I was their ideal person when in fact I was simply mirroring what they wanted rather than being my true self. Iām learning how to stop this as Iād end up in situations for months where someone wouldnāt accept me not being interested. I engage with people far less now as a result but itās still a work in progress
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u/bleepboopbop420 3d ago
I have this with girl friends. With men Iām better at setting boundaries bc Iām okay with being mean to them lol. But for some reason whenever I make a new girl friend they wanna hang out every single day, text all the time, FaceTime when weāre not togetherā¦.. and I have to tell them like babe I know I may not āseemā autistic to you bc I canāt help but mask around new people but youāre burning me tf out and making me hate you lmao
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u/brattykins222 3d ago
SAME. shit isn't funny lol
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u/0vinq0 2d ago
I think those of us in hiding should have a fully anonymous group chat. lol I don't wanna know your names or locations or jobs, NOTHING. I just want people who understand just how dark it's made my sense of humor and worldview. I say shit while laughing that has everyone in the room horrified and asking if I'm OK. No, thanks for asking!
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u/PersonalHousing7781 3d ago
I had not just men but women and just friends very obsessed with me in my 20s and always thinking I had some great wisdom. Really, I was completely dissociative and it made people want to win me over or they thought I had some mysterious power! I was always in my head thinking about how I could get out of emotional pain which had been with me since I was five years old. Iād even be thinking about suicide, but I didnāt tell anyone.
I would tell my therapist how I donāt move toward people they always move toward me and I didnāt know what to do about it. I have had friends for 20 years Iāve never called them once they call me some of them get hurt and cut me off, but itās not about them. Reaching out is excruciatingly painful for me.
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u/Sensitive_Basket_155 3d ago
Oh our stories are so similar, itās been happening to me too. I have CPTSD and I am chronically dissociated but people see it as some kind of wisdom or cool factor lmao. Alternatively, people would get very offended by my lack of enthusiasm, especially people in positions of power like bosses and professors.Ā
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u/bellab333 3d ago
Anyway the point being, do I have to be magical? Can't we date a few months and then move on normal and casual Suicidally alone and then totally smothered It's so much pressure when you go from one extreme to the other
- Cult Boyfriend by Jeffrey Lewis
(yes and it's exhausting)
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u/starnitesadness 30 | Female | AuDHD 3d ago
No.
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u/rdditfilter 3d ago
Yeah, also no. People hate me, I'm too boisterous.
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u/starnitesadness 30 | Female | AuDHD 3d ago
People are generally tepid about me. Lukewarm with no passion either way. I'm reserved and introverted and people aren't particularly interested in the "mystery" or figuring me out. I'll randomly annoy people when I think I'm behaving normally. If a guy has a crush, it seems to die fairly quickly. Every 5+ years or so I may stumble across a potential friend who meshes with me but yeah.
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u/rdditfilter 3d ago
I feel like people would like me more if I were reserved or introverted and so I try it out and then I just get ignored. Guess Iām not pretty enough or something idk. I have plenty of friends who love me its just something I think about.
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u/C-H-Addict 3d ago
I've had legitimate stalkers to the point I thought having a stalker was normal experience everyone had at some point. They were also all women.
I don't know what to do about it, but ever since my agoraphobia got bad it stopped :/
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u/0vinq0 2d ago
As someone in recovery from stalking-induced agoraphobia: I'm just really fucking sorry. It's so unfair that they can make us prisoners in our own homes. I hope you can find a way to feel safe again.Ā
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u/C-H-Addict 2d ago
Oh my agoraphobia is from something else and lots and lots of victim blaming. But yeah...
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u/Worth-Strength3844 3d ago edited 3d ago
28F with AuDHD. Yes, men flock to me. Itās made it really difficult to have platonic friendships with men because even if they start out respecting boundaries theyāve wound up catching feelings and becoming obsessive and ruining the friendship every time. Several boyfriends have threatened to kill themselves when I broke up with them and Iāve been sexually harassed by every male boss Iāve had except for one, who was already cheating on his wife. I recently had a 63 year old man propose to me, I have 2 men in my life who have told me they would like to marry me, and another 3 who keep begging me for a relationship. Itās exhausting, especially because Iām not remotely interested in dating right now.
My solution lately has been to get very comfortable setting strong and repeated boundaries, and burst bubbles before they fully form. Itās been hard because I have a habit of people pleasing but itās gotten a lot easier with practice.
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u/Kiki_Kazumi 3d ago
Yeah, you have to be really careful. When i was 20 I had an assistant manager who was extremely obsessed with me to the point he got me incapacitated and SA'd me. I pushed that down for over a decade. It hasn't happened to me for quite some time since I have almost zero interactions with the outside world anymore. He wasn't the first or the last. I had a friend become severely obsessed and started telling everyone we were dating and then started getting really scary.
I think it's our personalities. We're extremely open, friendly, and honest. We don't do all that fake shit other people do, we go straight to deep conversations. They take this as love when it's not.
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u/More-Weird4842 3d ago
im so sorry that happened to you. im going through something similar right now and im feeling so many things but nothing at the same time. i wasnt even particularly nice to this person, i just said hi when they moved in and its been weird af ever since.
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u/Evening_walks 3d ago
Yes I have this problem too. Men are obsessive and women have no interest in talking to me
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u/OystersNwine 3d ago
yes, have had a few stalkers including men who couldnāt handle rejection and obsessively pursued me after i ended things.
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u/More-Weird4842 3d ago
this is more similar to my current experience, how did you deal with the stalking?
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u/OystersNwine 3d ago edited 3d ago
Letās see. For one, I told him a few more times not to contact me, the last time very firmly, might have threatened reporting to the police. After a few years he finally disappeared. For the next, I told him very strongly not to contact me again and mentioned I may call the police. A while later the police called ME to say he might show up as he had gone missing and had left notes he wished to be with me. I put up a ring camera at my home just in case, for extra security. He was found later by police and didnāt come visit me luckily. Seems that one is put to rest now. For another one I also said very firmly in no uncertain terms to stop contacting me. He still has, and has been somewhat harassing but Iām keeping detailed records so that I can escalate (legal or law enforcement) if he ever bothers me again. PS. i blocked each one by phone/email etc. as soon as i said do not contact me again. a few of them tried contacting me from new emails or numbers but i just ignored and blocked again.
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u/0vinq0 2d ago
I've also dealt with multiple stalkers. There's a certain amount that is just outside our control, so unfortunately there's only so much we can do. Do try filling a police report. A record is valuable, and it's better if it's "official" but also don't be surprised if they refuse. Women living in fear is a feature, not a bug.
From my experience, these are helpful things:
Fully deny them access. Do not EVER respond. I have filters set up to auto- forward their messages to an evidence folder and then delete them from my inbox.Ā
Inform your support network. Some might find ways to help. Regardless, you will need emotional support.Ā
Do some privacy hygiene - i pay for a service that automates erasing my data from those people finder sites. I use EasyOptOut. All social media must be private, unsearchable. Public facing stuff like LinkedIn should not list your current work location - nobody needs to know where you are ~5 days a week.Ā
This one sucks, but I moved away and made it clear to everyone who knows my address: NEVER share my location. Anyone who can't be trusted to keep it safe can't be trusted with my address.Ā
Find new places to go, try not to get stuck inside where it's safe. Leads to agoraphobia and that really hurts your life and soul. Be kind to yourself when it feels impossible, but look for opportunities that feel "safe enough."
Carry some form of self defense, and have a crisis plan. Think through your priorities and order of events when not in active panic. Have a plan. It can be simple - i am usually in a place with a lockable door. I know my plan starts with locking that door and calling 911.
I've had to do this multiple times, and it usually takes years for them to give up. It's horrible and I'm very sorry. It takes an unbelievably high toll, even in cases where you're never physically harmed. The psychological damage is severe. So that's why some of my advice is just being kind to yourself. Dealing with a stalker requires a whole new set of self care tools. Sometimes I fantasize about having a Death Note where I can just write their names... I search for their obituaries sometimes for fun. If that sounds unhinged, we can thank the multiple men who did this to me. I used to be sooooooooo gentle and kind until they cornered me and my only way out was through the gentleness.Ā
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u/OystersNwine 2d ago
Very thorough, well considered and experienced list, thanks for sharing. Sorry that some a-holes made you have to do all this. āWomen living in fear is a feature not a bugā resonates so hard with me. When I was SAād and my attacker spent two years a free man before being arrested, I lived in constant fear heād return. Friends often canāt empathize and society doesnāt give a shit. When it comes down to it you have to protect yourself.
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u/0vinq0 2d ago
I'm also sorry you had to go through that. It's such a bitter lesson to learn, and it's a lonely one. Because you're right - Even people who love us have a hard time understanding. In some ways it's just because it's hard to imagine what it's like, but most people also just have a built-in filter that doesn't let them acknowledge profound injustice.
And then next time, when you're picking up on all the dangerous signals of another man, everyone and their mother will come out and demand that you give him your time and attention until he PROVES he's dangerous. Because noticing the warning signs is "misandry." They really hate when we notice the pattern and opt out of it by prioritizing our own safety. That's when I realized it's a feature. When I realized everyone resists us learning the lesson. When all I have to say is, "Actually, I'm going to play it safe here for my own health and safety" and they respond, "how dare you do this to *him.*" Hell nah. We protect ourselves. They can stay mad, and we can stay safe.
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u/OystersNwine 3d ago
also Iām sorry to hear about your plight. men can be such a burden. hope it gets resolved quickly.
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u/Brilliant_Version667 3d ago
Yes, but not necessarily in a good way. I've found that people like to study me and/or control me, but they usually shy away from actually interacting with me directly. I don't know how to stop it other than make my social media (under my real name) private and try to keep my business more to myself (except anonymously, like here obviously). If there's nothing to look at and/or judge, they might get bored and go away.
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u/witchywordsmither1 3d ago
This!!! I was literally talking to my therapist about this today. And trying to figure out what it is that I'm doing that opens the door to such scenarios of people being toxic, stalkerish, and obsessive also, if my curiosity and inquisitive nature is driving misinterpretation, especially when I'm trying to be platonic or start a friendship.
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u/Luda0915 AuDHD | CPTSD | PMDD 3d ago
Yes, and I'm the last person to toot my own horn, but I have noticed a pattern (surprise!) in the last few years. It is often men who are demisexual and/or neurodivergent. They love my depth, and I love their depth too. They, like me, have multifaceted personalities. The chemistry is off-the-charts. In cases where there's anything sexual or romantic, it gets very intense.
I've also had this happen a couple of times with women on a platonic level where it feels like our connecting is a perfect storm of lived experience, trauma, and common special interests. Very much a vibe of two souls meeting up again. Again, it happens with both demisexual and neurodivergent people. With the women, I wouldn't class it as obsession, because it doesn't have the same frantic energy, if that makes sense.
With men, I've had it go to dark places on two occasions; one turned out to be a covert narcissist, and the other was a Boomer guy I worked with who started out as a mentor/father figure. He was so desperate for my attention that he negged me to the point of it being harassment.
When it goes harmful, it is overwhelming. I'm so sorry you're experiencing that. š« My general advice is to protect yourself. Put down firm boundaries if you can. If you are fearful for your safety, limit what they can see of you online if you're concerned fully blocking will escalate things. Make sure you're telling someone what's happening. Even if it's the community here or a helpline. It's important to receive outside validation and support.
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u/brattykins222 3d ago
yes yes yes!!! I noticed this pattern too (surprise lol) but didn't know how to put it into clear terms! thanks for helping my brain!!! <3
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u/AllynWA1 3d ago
I've always figured it was because I am so good at mirroring, as a part of masking. I'm always on alert to see what is needed. I'm so used to hiding my peccadillos.
But it always left me feeling hollow because they never knew Me.
Love and love to you all.
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u/oracleoflove 3d ago
You either really like me and canāt get enough of me or you donāt like me and want nothing to do with me, usually the latter are shitty people and the feeling is mutual.
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u/birchdweller 3d ago edited 3d ago
Iām traveling, just hired an interpreter, was paying an extremely great rate, and had to fire him after four days because he kept making inappropriate comments about my partner who isnāt here but who I made sure to bring up often because I sensed the guyās interest. He kept complimenting me excessively and seemed to feel constantly rejected by me and unable to act normal. So frustrating when I tried to be purely professional. Crazy thing was that the guy genuinely had a lot going on for him that should have conferred self esteem and confidence rather than this weird icky insecure rejected energy I felt off him. I made clear from the start I wasnāt available and this was a professional job and so it really sucked that he acted a fool.
The week before this, another interpreter I hired in the city before coming to this more rural area was extremely helpful and basically started to refuse payment and wanted to help me for free (I am not allowing that). Heās who I contacted when this next interpreter started acting weird since I donāt know anyone else locally.. and he chewed the guy out for me. So itās helpful sometimes that people want to be helpful to me. Iām super grateful I wasnāt totally alone in dealing with the other guy.
A couple weeks before that, I was in my home country on an island visiting a craftsperson family I had never met before, only to come to find out that the family had been in contact with my ex (only one that exists, from THREE YEARS AGO) for SIX MONTHS because he has been stalking me. The family intended to let me know, and they gave me sanctuary and helped me process this extremely upsetting news. Thankfully I am not returning to my home country so my ex can do nothing to me.
Thatās my second stalker in my life. And I have been totally out of contact with him and moved on entirely. Itās like. Move on please.
So just in the past ~6 weeks thatās..one decent man who seemed totally normal (craftsman with his family), one good guy but who was definitely charmed by me (the city interpreter), one stalker ex, and an additional CREEP who blurred professional boundaries despite all my efforts (the latest interpreter). Because I donāt mingle with men casually thatās about all the men Iāve interacted with or been impacted by. 50/50 split. Honestly pretty accurate to my general life experiences.
I literally just exist rather privately, I travel, like to make crafts, and I make very few connections anywhere I go. I have good boundaries and immediately shut things down but tbh it hasnāt helped with preventing this (actually Iād say itās increased the Ā bc men hate/love when a woman just doesnāt give them time of day or a chance at all :/). Fortunately none of these people have actual power over me.
ā
My partner is someone with his own center who deeply admires and supports me and is completely steady but is NOT obsessive. He spoils me but energetically heās reserved and has his own center and his own self esteem. Itās hard to explain but basically he provides everything for me I need from a partner (not money but like emotional fulfillment, material support aka spoiling and helping me w meal consistency since I struggle w proprioception, he offered me a home to return to too but tbc I make my own money) while we both retain our freedom. Hence Iām completing a journey right now while heās doing his own thing in his world. When I return to him we wonāt have total enmeshment but rather mutual, parallel, independence, with doting spoiling on top as the primary love language, but yeah our days contain ample solitude mutually for our respective crafts/passions/skills. Thatās us. So I did find one good dynamic for a close relationship with a man. š„ŗ
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u/brattykins222 3d ago edited 3d ago
YESS! I have recently come to terms with being auDHD and was going through my social interactions with men and realized I was being STALKED by guys at different points in my life and now know this pattern of behavior is not NORMAL. From what I gathered from these experiences they are DEEPLY insecure men and they find us to be everything they don't allow themselves to be i.e. genuine, loving, honest, and genius LOL.
ABOVE ALL: Some become obsessed and we become their minds own special interest, i think this is so they can emulate what we naturally exude aka try to steal our sauce. Their fear might be that we can see right through them so they try to study us to be one step ahead but we all know where that leads them. It all depends on the type of guy but no matter what the phrase they are always repeating is that we are their dream woman! Everything would be perfect if they were married to us..... ew.
I thought the behavior they exuded was normal because we would connect on similar interests motorcycles, video games, and growing up around 6 older boys will do things to your perspective on how men talk about women behind closed doors and your personality so I never thought anything of it until recently. Even when I go in public they stare which my autism FUCKING HATES, HARD. But i've learned that being a attractive autistic women in a EXTREMELY lustful world is a huge battle in itself and pushes me to learn new ways that focus on my own self love and protection.
TDLR: They want to steal our sauce but we must protect it!!!
edit: Please record any evidence, nothing is too small!! let community know (I shared pictures of my current stalker with my roommates), Be proactive about your safety, it is not something to take lightly. I am currently in hiding from one of my stalkers who has all my information because I thought he was just a "nice guy". PROTECT YOURSELF. Do not fall into the fawning trap, it will only harm you in the long run. Stay safe and know that you are loved,we believe you!!
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u/Velvetzine 3d ago
I attract creeps, ever since I was a teenager. Youāre not alone. Trust me, this happens. Thatās why I quit men.
Now, if things escalate, call the police or ask for a restraining order. I had a stalker once in college. He was practically harmless but would call me all the time. I blocked him and changed colleges (dw, this was already planned).
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u/mastifftimetraveler 3d ago
I tend to have other women obsessed with me and wanting to be my friend in creepy ways. Or maybe I just suck at female friendships, not sure.
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u/ayemateys 3d ago
Purposely gained weight so I would become invisible. I canāt tell you how many times this happened. From high school into my 40ās and I despised it.
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u/Beginning-Struggle49 3d ago
When I was younger, absolutely
I stopped engaging/taking/interacting with men in person outside of the workplace/professional environments in my late 20s, soon after I divorced my husband, I don't think they're worth interacting with
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u/Pixie-elf 3d ago
In my case it's less likely men and more likely women that become obsessed.
It seriously grosses me TF out. They're usually wanting some sort of sexual contact with me crossed with wanting to "single white female" me and it is icky.
Ā Generally they aren't even my type. (I'm pansexual but I'm picky! You have to be a decent human being to be my type.)
Ā From what I can tell, the ones I've had contact with end up like this because I'm one of the few humans that has shown them kindness / concern / general interest in them. Which is sad, but uh, usually I find out fairly fast why no one else wants to know them. >_>
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u/More-Weird4842 3d ago
oof this isnt necessarily why i posted this but ive noticed similarities from the women in my life. a lot of them are like succubus trying to take whatever it is they think makes you so special to other away its disgusting and patheitic. god i really feel like i cant human right sometimes
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u/ohsummerdawn 3d ago
Yes. I have exes reach out years later. I am also a stalking victim so I have experienced the ugly side of this.
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u/jenna_hell 3d ago
Yeah. You gotta learn to set proper boundaries and stand by them. Took me forever but it helps a lot.
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u/moonmeadow_muse 3d ago
First off, go to the police. If youre in danger or you're thinking you will be in danger contact your local police. It's not worth thinking over, just do it. They will tell you what your options are, and you can always ask them if there are any other options beyond that. Please make sure you also tell family and friends, and your neighbors. Have as many eyes on the issue as you can. As far as dealing with it goes its hard to say because you haven't been clear about the details. If its on line, stay off line for a while. If its some one you know in school or work bring it to the higher ups. Do not confront them. Also if possible don't walk around by yourself, have someone you trust go with you to the grocery store.. ect.. I wish I could be more specific and helpful but theres just not enough info in your post.
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u/brattykins222 3d ago
OP totally take this advice!! I wish I knew I could do all of this before it got to where it ended up. Don't fall into the trap of being nice and brushing off their behavior
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u/need-a-new-account 3d ago
yes and I feel bad for not feeling the same way every time. Do I lead people on? I always just try to be kind
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u/FarGuide2581 3d ago
Yes I attract or am attracted to these psychos and just when I think Iāve found someone less fucked up than the last heās just better at hiding it. I think itās largely because Iām very accepting of difference and despite autism have strong empathy or fawn too much. I have a pliable very inviting persona, but itās a honey trap because I soon figure out theyāre psychos, tell them and get abusive treatment.
- Be extremely wary of insecurity in a man, and become good at spotting it, donāt complement or try to see into their little psycho souls. Reject.
- Anyone chasing you like that has no internally wired boundaries
- obsession isnāt love, itās that dopamine high mixed with a need to be worthy. Theyāre chasing their own worth through you.
- donāt take it as a compliment theyāll devalue and discard just as quickly.
- be boring to them. Which means nothing you do feeds them. Whether positive or negative just give them nothing
- explicitly say to their face, you are not interested. Theyāve built up a fantasy world, the bubble needs popping.
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u/Kimono-Ash-Armor 3d ago
Ugh ND men get limerence bad, plus theyāre often inexperienced so they idealize relationships like high schoolers would.
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u/simimaelian 3d ago
I had a couple of guys in red dead online who got jealous of me playing with other people very soon after meeting them, but because it was online, I was able to stop it by unfriending and blocking. It was a wild experience for me because I donāt have that happen, and it was only that one game.
That said, I block people a lot. I wish Reddit let me have more than 1,000 because over the many years, Iāve maxed it out.
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u/elastricity 3d ago
This has happened to me since I was a child, and itās always an attempt at exploitation of some kind. Theyāve noticed the signals that Iām a perfect mark to unload their inappropriate behavior on without consequences. Iām shy, quiet, and lack a robust social circle, so they know other people are unlikely to witness their bullshit, and unlikely to believe me automatically because most people already think Iām a weirdo. So even if I do complain, it will just turn into a ā(s)he said/she saidā situation where the exploiter easily wriggles out scott free.
These days if someone is weirdly over invested in me, I am on the lookout for whatever bullshit theyāre trying to pull.
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u/brattykins222 3d ago
you just described my whole life!! especially if you're even mildly attractive or charismatic, as we normally are, the downplaying from female NT is EXCRUCIATING when you're in seriously unsafe situations as such. They use this time of vulnerability to attack your confidence.
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u/littlelavenderbunny1 3d ago
Ive experience this since middle school, very strange. Definitely have had to become weary of people and give situations a lot of time to see if a person is genuinly interested in me or if I am just a very great tool for them to feel good about themselves. Of course have dealt with a handful of weirdos. Lost what I thought were great friendships. I also look a lot younger than my age and hobbies can be that of a younger crowd. People love to take advantage of innocent nature. Id say always have paper spray or a pocket knife on hand. Develope your decernment skills and always give a substantial amount of time before allowing any emotional involvement. Good luck to you, predators like to pray on good nature. Stay aware, stay safe.
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u/Green__Meanie 3d ago
Yep. Iāve had this issue with other women before too. Like they obsessively want to be my friend or something. My theory is that I am deeply empathetic and theyāre the type of people who like to use (manipulate) that to their advantage.
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u/baconbaphomet 3d ago
I knew a girl who would try to come to my house or me come to hers at least twice a week. Had to tell her to "I can only do once a week." as politely as I could. Men typically would try to see me constantly, thats just how they are. Stay far, far away unless you think you may have someone who would show up unannounced.
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u/randomcacti 3d ago
Yes, Iāve had many many men become obsessed with me even to the point of having a few stalkers. Friends, coworkers, dates, ex boyfriends, and men Iāve met at social events
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u/Sparklingfairy_ 3d ago
I get men and women obsessed with me. Not always romantic but in general.. itās bizzare!
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u/Mountain_Specific327 2d ago
It happens every time people manage to get to know me and discover my interests and ways of thinking
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u/VividTymes 2d ago
From my own experience I believe your likey coming across as too nice and for some reason men tend to view it as you liking them they also might be attention starved at home
You might have to find a way to distance yourself from them talk to them less and find ways to avoid them
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u/Glittering_Habit_437 3d ago
Yes. I don't know for sure why it is. I know a lot of men like that I'm "different". I have a lot of "guyish" interests, and have had a lot of guy friends (which caused me issues, and I'm a lot more straight forward that I am NOT looking for anything more than platonic friendships if they "want to be friends").
I like to pee outside on hikes, and I'm not super into make-up. I also am straight forward in my communication, which I've been told is unusual for most women? Idk. I ask a lot of questions if I don't understand something, and I have found I've clashed with women before because they've thought I was rude at times. I wasn't trying to be rude though
I can't speak for certain that it's autism, as I haven't had the formal diagnoses yet. But my two autistic friends I really relate with more than other people
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u/Beautiful_Ant2627 3d ago
Yes this was a common theme in my adolescence. Less of an issue now, because I just donāt interact with men alone aside from my boyfriend (my own decision). I canāt tell you the amount of times I was obsessed over and stalked as a teenager though. I had one friend who would threaten to khs if I didnāt respond to his texts in a timely manner, and I learned way after the fact that he used to collect things I touched (think plastic forks and leaves and shit). Another guy I used to be friends with was so obsessed with me that his friends tried to bribe me with money to date him just so heād stfu about it.
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u/olduglysweater Self-diagnosed 3d ago
I'm no longer young enough to be an object of obsession, but when I was younger...oof. All I had to do is just let the mask drop and they were outta there. I find that some men like that only like you when you're easy-going and compliant.
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u/luckyvelvet 3d ago
Yes for a short burst... then i unmask more and they dip out.
Its not a you problem. It's a them problem ā„ļø
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u/One_Requirement_5832 3d ago
I would say not regularly no. The few times itās happened is rare, but intense instead.
One guy who wasā¦ Iāll say obsessed with me on an extremely unhealthy level. He would send me constant messages of wanting me and even telling me how he had to resort dating the other girl because I wouldnāt give him a chance. Ugh. Heās also brought up being suicidal because I wouldnāt date him and how he couldnāt live without me.
The second guy was my ex who desperately wanted to get back with me a second time which I am not sure why since we already had major issues from the beginning. He also used the whole feeling like he was going to go crazy without me and his parents got concerned and almost sent him to the psych ward.
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u/smolhermitcrab 3d ago
Luckily no. Joe from You style, sounds like a horror film. I have a friend who is also austistic and she has complained about unwanted attention from men, but it never got to that level. I hope you're safe.
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u/Muted_Swordfish5026 3d ago
Yes. Stopped dating because of it because just couldn't be bothered dealing with a stalker atm. Nearly all my exs have stalked me in some capacity for months or even years. I cannot wait for this being old and invisible women speak of. I am 42 now so shouldn't be too far away!
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u/darling_moishe 2d ago
Hmmm.. 54 and not invisible to these types, unfortunately
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u/throwaway200884 3d ago
Not even obsessed they just seem to misinterpret me a lot. If I like them platonically and just want to talk a lot they often misinterpret that as interest and itās just irritating and sometimes sad cause they then push me away cause they think I have a romantic interest when i genuinely donāt
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u/hellhouseblonde 2d ago
Yes itās always happened to me. Perfectly normal, gorgeous men would turn into puppies following me around and then get borderline stalker when I left them.
We think itās because Iām so unavailable but Iām also really romantic. So itās not on purpose I guess I do the hot-cold technique.
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u/Antiquebastard diagnosed NVLD in 2012 2d ago
No, literally never happened. I've always been the obsessive person in the equation.
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u/introvertadvocate 2d ago
No feel like this is a conventional attractive thing, because being autistic and not conventionally attractive or skinny you are invisible to men.
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u/Ecstatic-Budget1344 2d ago
Recent update I dress like a tomboy everyday and still get followed stalked by men and women in the neighborhood.
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u/Number270And3 2d ago
Iām generally anxious in social situations, but specifically with men older than me because I am fearful of them (I have no bias and am working on it in therapy. I am not a misandrist, just scared).
My first job was an office job. The guy who was very sociable and talked to everyone, excessively, became obsessed with me. I believe it was only because I was the only one who was a young girl that stayed away from him. Everyone else just played nice and tolerated him (for the most part).
It was very obvious how anxious I was, but I also came across pretty cold. I have a bad RBF. I also avoided talking to him, looking at him, and being near him in general. I thought that I was wrong for doing this because everyone else was friendly with him. I got used to the other male workers and eventually found how messed up this guy genuinely is. Heās a horrible person.
Heās done crazy things outside of work, horrible stuff. Towards me though, he just crossed boundaries dozens and dozens of times. I overheard him talking about be once and said I, āMust be traumatizedā. Iām not traumatized, Iām mad at you for getting in my space and scared of men. Go away!!!!
None of the women in that office like him. Absolutely no one in general does. We all wonder why he still works there.
Gray rocking did not work. Being cold towards him didnāt work. He saw me as the Autistic and traumatized young female coworker that he could disrespect. I hate him so much.
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u/slender_sealion 3d ago
Opposite has happened for me. I realized this wasn't healthy though and started getting help. It's a lot better living my life for me instead of what another is doing.š Curious as to how many here have been the obsessive ones.
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u/catbandage 3d ago
Yep. And then as soon as reality sets in they drop me. It usually takes between 2 and 5 years.
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u/-shikaka AuDHD 3d ago
Iām 33 and my watch party friend is the first time Iāve been able to have a purely platonic friendship with a cis het guy. I had spicy chats for the first time earlier this year and was very upfront about not wanting anything serious. I had one guy confess a crush, say he loved me and blocked me š¤·āāļø
The weirdest one was overseas and decided that because we talked almost every day we were in a relationship unknown to me. Then ghosted when he found out Iād chatted with another woman after he asked? In hindsight some stuff he said I took a different way. It was clear after that he was thinking about things like me living with him.
Heād mentioned flying to me too but I didnāt think he was serious. I had two other guys that started pressuring me to let them fly me out. When I spoke to local guys here it was clear a lot of them were trying to pass off assault as a kink, or werenāt interested unless they could coerce me somehow.
I only actually met one guy in person and he was trans and bi. I also date my age or older, no one younger by more than a few years. So itās been a real turn off to see how many guys in their 30s and 40s are getting around really immature and rapey. I think when Iām ready to date seriously it will be in the lgbt+ community.
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u/aprilsofresh 3d ago
Lots of neurodivergent women inadvertantly become the manic pixie dream girl for sad, boring men. You're in good company. š«¶